To feel upset me and DS have lost friends and it wasn't our fault

[WiseOwl24]

DS is 10.
Since age 5, he's been best friends with a girl in his class, let's call her Mia (not her real name). They've spent 5 years being each other's best friends. And in that time I've become really close to Mia's mum. 5 years of playdates, park after school, entire Sunday afternoons spent together, going out for lunch at weekends as families, I've had them round to mine as a family and hosted them on numerous occasions. Bought lovely birthday presents for them as they have done for us. What I'm trying to explain is, we ensured been close for 5 years.
A few months ago, out of the blue, DS came home from school upset saying that Mia had suddenly started saying mean things to him like "I hate you". "Every one in this school hates you". "Your face makes me want to vomit". "You've got no friends". All this was out of the blue. There had been no fall outs or anything.
I talked to Mia's mum and told her that Mia had been saying these things to DS, and I asked if there was a problem I didn't know about. Mia's mum said "Mia simply wouldn't say anything like that. Your DS is lying". She then called Mia over and said "Did you say these things?" Mia said "No" and Mia's mum turned to me and said "See. She says she didn't say it." Then stormed off without saying bye and made it clear she was furious with both me and DS - she literally glared at him with fury as she stormed off. He became worried and said "Why is Mia's mum angry with me?".
The next day at school, Mia ran up to DS and said "You're a snitch!!! I hate snitches!!! I hate you for snitching on me!!!". DS said "You said those things to me Mia, it really upset me, I thought we were good friends, I'm not a snitch, I just told my mum about it". Mia gave him more horrible personal insults and ran off.
The insults carried on for the next few weeks, with DS coming home regularly telling us that she was saying really horrible, nasty, spiteful, personal mean things to him at school, and she totally dumped hanging out with him and switched to a new friendship group of 'cool kids'. They are much older in their ways and their attitude than DS is, much more streetwise, sarcastic, mouthy, argumentative, trendy 10 year old boys walking round in teenage style clothes like ripped jeans and oversized skateboard tops and beanies with smartphones and using a lot of swearing in their general chat (I see them hanging around the park a lot outside of school). DS is nothing like this, he's still very much a child.
After a few weeks of Mia saying spiteful things to DS at school, I spoke to their class teacher about it and told her everything Mia was saying and I asked her to see if she could help with trying to sort out what was going on, because DS was coming home in tears about it. I imagined the teacher would get the 2 of them together and talk it through, knowing that they'd previously spent 5 years as best friends. Instead, the teacher spoke to Mia alone and came down like a tonne of bricks. At pick up, she said to me "I've blasted Mia today for what she's said to your DS, I'm coming down on her like a tonne of bricks and I've told her I'll be watching her closely and I've told her you've spoken to me about her behaviour so that she can't lie about it and so that she knows we all know".
From that day on, Mia has never said another thing to DS, but equally she now just blanks him. He says "She looks through me at school like I'm air".
Likewise, Mia's mum has stopped talking to me and either blanks me on the school run or gives me sliitted eyed evil stares.
We've both lost good friends. Long standing friends who became family friends that we spent a lot of time with. Mia's mum constantly referred to my DS as "Mia's bestie" from age 5 to 10.
DS is asking me how it went from him and Mia being best friends, to Mia turning against him literally overnight without anything bad having happened between them, no fall out, nothing.
He's asking me about it a lot and says he's really upset about what has happened and that he thought he and Mia were close friends.
I don't know how to explain things to him, because I literally don't get it. I don't understand what has happened.
I've never encountered anything like this before!
AIBU to feel upset that we've both lost close friends without either of us having actually done anything wrong?
How do I advise and explain to DS when I myself don't understand Mia's behaviour after years of them having a happy friendship where Mia used to actively seek out and love my DS, and ditto Mia's mum towards me?

It's really hard for you both and sounds really upsetting. I think you have to find a way to accept it and move on. Hopefully they will be in different classes and schools in the future. I don't think it's a good idea to get kids that close to each other and try and have a few people rather than an intense friendship as it usually ends In tears when kids develop and change and this age is about that time especially for girls. Just keep reassuring him it's nothing he has done and try and take his mind off it and have new friends over

I'm sorry your ds experienced this. It's understandable confusing and hurtful. It is good to hear that the teacher came down hard on it. Mia's Mum behaved deplorably - sadly some people really can't handle any situation in which their DC isn't perfect and can't see that all kids are still learning (including our own) and need guidance sometimes. Mia may have been ready to move on or expand friendships and needed her Mum's help to learn how to do that without being hurtful, spiteful etc. Maybe she wanted different friends and just didn't know how to tell your ds she wanted to hang out with someone else. How she did it was appalling and sadly very common at this age...

I have noticed among my dc's friends the one's who had a serious/strong/family like 'bestie' with friendships emerging with families that are close as opposed to just friendly, they have experienced far more drama in their friendships and far more upset between parents. Not saying what you did was wrong at all @WiseOwl24 more just that sadly this is common as friendships change as many many parents are situational friends - keep strong friendship with dc's bestie's family so that my DC always has someone. Once the friendships change, they can't use you anymore. Mia's Mum showed her true colours as to who she is and how she handles conflict. It isn't good.

Hoping your ds can develop some good friendships with a range of other DC and in time this won't feel quite so raw.

Wow. You should be glad to be rid of them both. Hurt feelings here but you need to toughen up and move on for your DS's sake. Reassuring your DS is what you should be doing. Tell him, without being emotional, that friendships grow and change sometimes as people do. Tell your son it's not his fault, and start by getting him into some activities maybe where he can make new friends.

@WiseOwl24 sounds to me like it's hormone related and trying to fit in with some "cooler" girls, no doubt being teased about having a best friend who is a boy.

The mum on the other hand seems to be quite rude - her daughter is clearly lying to her, but the way she handled it, accusing your son of lying, then calling her daughter straight over was awful. It's not the sort of person I'd want as a friend so I'd just accept she wasn't the person you thought she was and move on. Hopefully karma will strike and Mia will turn into a complete hormonal nightmare for her to deal with! 😂

Just tell your son that hormones mean that a girls mood can change, and perhaps what she needs right now are other girls to talk to who understand the changes.

My DS was dropped suddenly by his best friend from school who just refused to hang out any longer all of a sudden, no explanation. It's hard. I asked his DM, who was, and still is, a good friend of mine if my DS had done anything that might have upset his friend. She said not and DS couldn't think of anything he had done. Eventually I decided this boy must just be going through some stuff. DS never felt that it was a reflection on him and would be friends in the future if the other boy wanted to be.

I think it would be good if your DS adopted a similar attitude, knowing that it's not anything he did. Mia is just going through some stuff. When a previously nice girl starts saying unkind things it's usually an indication of some sort of inner stress. Not that your DS should hang around mournfully waiting for her to come to her senses. He should get on with his own life.

As the parent of a teenager I can unfortunately confirm that that sort of thing is very common and continues well into adolescence. My DS is friends with some nice kids, but bloody hell the way they treat each other, turn against each other, and talk behind each other's backs is dreadful! I try not to get caught up in the drama and offer an adult perspective without being judgemental. I know I did some shitty stuff when I was a teen too. The most important thing is that my DS knows I have his back, no matter how friendships may come and go.

Time to focus energy on new friendships, for both of you.

Dont waste another moment on Why Mia turned toxic. Likely she will do the same to others which will result in her either:

1. being popular because she is soo scary
2. being unpopular because she is so scary

Feel justified that school is aware and put the blame squarely on her. Other parents will be aware, but might not appear to choose sides, or sided with scary girl for their own selfish reasons.

Tell your son that it isn’t his fault. Mia is responsible for her behavior, even if it doesn’t make any sense. Maybe role play or talk through how he can respond to her calmly, or ignore her.

To be honest your post is strange. You know why they’re not speaking to you both - it’s in your post!

The teacher told mia off - she’s following instructions by not speaking to your son.

Her mum is obviously aware, she’s avoiding you to prevent any further issues.

Obviously speaking to the school about this was the nuclear option, so it’s completely understandable that the friendship is past the point of return. I’m not saying you shouldn’t have gone to the school, but the end result was foreseeable and it’s silly to ask why you lost friends once the dust has settled. It’s like expecting your ex mate to be friends with you after you report them to the police. Part of being content with your decision is accepting they won’t be in your lives (and good riddance surely?)

In terms of the initial fall out, again you’ve said why in your posts. Your son appears to be uncool/not popular, he’s “very much a child” as you say. He’s probably more similar to his primary school self whereas his peers are going through puberty and are mini teenagers. I’m in my 20s and that was normal when I was in school a few years ago. It sounds like they’ve grown into different people and mia felt she outgrew him.

Unfort never a good idea to speak to parent - speak to school.
welcome to the work of pre teen girls - some can be vipers
I suspect poor attempt of Mia to push your son away as she wanted a different friendship group.
your son, through no fault of his own, was losing her as a friend regardless

I totally agree with this. Situational friendships can seem like more at the time especially if you spend intense amounts of time together when the kids are small. My approach is be friendly to your kids friend's parents, but keep them gently at arms length.

If you wouldn't necessarily have become friends with the parents if you had met them in another setting like through work or a hobby, then just treat them as colleagues who you are friendly with - then you or they wont get dragged into any drama when the inevitable fall outs between the children occur.

10 year olds don't always have the social skills to gradually let a friendship fade out, or to realise when they're being faded out. So, their behaviour can be cruel / nasty

I'd approach this as Mia being immature, rather than Mia being cruel. But, the end result is the same. I still wouldn't encourage my child to try to stay friends with someone who doesn't treat them well

Yes. The cool kids with ripped jeans, oversized t-shirts and beanie hats is off to me.

If not AI, then North American for sure.

What's off about that?

Nothing is off about it and troll hunting is against MN rules and tiresome to boot.

It's how the skater kids dress where we live. But even if it is a US poster, this isn't a local site for local people.

Its a tale as old as time. Girl grows up faster thsn boy best mate, becomes cool girl and dumps less cool boy mate.
In the movies girl later regrets it and resumes the friendship, first secretly, but then openly when her new crowd are revealed as vacuous and mean. However, in real life, it tends to mean the friendship had reached an end, as one person had outgrown it and moved in another direction.
It's sad for your DS and horrible that Mia's new image had to involve such cruel distancing as the name calling, but it can't be changed.
Your role now is to explain to DS its not him, it's her, and encourage friendships with other DC who share his interests.
Your own friend was clearly one of convenience when it suited her and so she isn't the loss you may think.

I think it’s really positive that the teacher came down hard on the behaviour

It's not unreasonable to be upset. It will feel like a loss. On the bright side though it is best the friendship ended now and the bullying was nipped in the bud. 'Mia' doesn't sound like someone I would want my children to be friends with in secondary school. I imagine she will be in quite a lot of trouble with hers and her mothers attitude.

In your case I assume that one child did not suddenly turn vicious with the other child?

The mother will find out as she’s going to be a big problem with the new so called friends she’s made when she starts getting into trouble

"Sorry DS, people are weird sometimes, even grown ups have friends that turn on them for no apparent reason. It wasn't your fault and we are not upset with you. It's sad we can't be friends anymore and do stuff with them, but we will find other friends. "

Same thing happened to my DD and her DF lied to her mum about it all saying my DD did abc when she was doing it all. We agreed to separate them, but I still talk to her mum.

My DD and her are still acquaintances, they call each other occasionally and message (8 years later) but my DD would never choose to go see her even though her DF is now a mum.

Have a grown up conversation with your DS. She turned, that's it. Nothing he did it was her decision. I hope he resettled with new friends soon and that you can get past her DM who is clearly very childish.

Are you sure that there was nothing said on your son's part? It seems very strange that a friendship that was so close would suddenly result in that amount of name calling.

From experience - this is the age little girls become almost demonised and it gets worse. Encourage him to build friendships with boys, they’re much simpler creatures!
Hope he’s okay

Friendships are very difficult at this age and they do come and go, plus it sounds like for some reason the girl decided to turn on your DS. She probably wanted to look cool to her other friends- no doubt she took your DS friendship for granted and didn’t expect to be pulled up for it. Anyway your DS is better off without someone who would bully him like that. It’s probably quite rare for a child to have such a longstanding friendship at this age. Ask yourself this- would they have stayed friends this long if you and the mum hadn’t been friends? I’m not saying that’s a bad thing but friendships that happen or are maintained because the parents are friends might be less likely to last if you see what I mean?
Im sorry this has happened it sound me awful for you both but you don’t need people like that in your life.