To feel upset me and DS have lost friends and it wasn't our fault

[WiseOwl24]

DS is 10.
Since age 5, he's been best friends with a girl in his class, let's call her Mia (not her real name). They've spent 5 years being each other's best friends. And in that time I've become really close to Mia's mum. 5 years of playdates, park after school, entire Sunday afternoons spent together, going out for lunch at weekends as families, I've had them round to mine as a family and hosted them on numerous occasions. Bought lovely birthday presents for them as they have done for us. What I'm trying to explain is, we ensured been close for 5 years.
A few months ago, out of the blue, DS came home from school upset saying that Mia had suddenly started saying mean things to him like "I hate you". "Every one in this school hates you". "Your face makes me want to vomit". "You've got no friends". All this was out of the blue. There had been no fall outs or anything.
I talked to Mia's mum and told her that Mia had been saying these things to DS, and I asked if there was a problem I didn't know about. Mia's mum said "Mia simply wouldn't say anything like that. Your DS is lying". She then called Mia over and said "Did you say these things?" Mia said "No" and Mia's mum turned to me and said "See. She says she didn't say it." Then stormed off without saying bye and made it clear she was furious with both me and DS - she literally glared at him with fury as she stormed off. He became worried and said "Why is Mia's mum angry with me?".
The next day at school, Mia ran up to DS and said "You're a snitch!!! I hate snitches!!! I hate you for snitching on me!!!". DS said "You said those things to me Mia, it really upset me, I thought we were good friends, I'm not a snitch, I just told my mum about it". Mia gave him more horrible personal insults and ran off.
The insults carried on for the next few weeks, with DS coming home regularly telling us that she was saying really horrible, nasty, spiteful, personal mean things to him at school, and she totally dumped hanging out with him and switched to a new friendship group of 'cool kids'. They are much older in their ways and their attitude than DS is, much more streetwise, sarcastic, mouthy, argumentative, trendy 10 year old boys walking round in teenage style clothes like ripped jeans and oversized skateboard tops and beanies with smartphones and using a lot of swearing in their general chat (I see them hanging around the park a lot outside of school). DS is nothing like this, he's still very much a child.
After a few weeks of Mia saying spiteful things to DS at school, I spoke to their class teacher about it and told her everything Mia was saying and I asked her to see if she could help with trying to sort out what was going on, because DS was coming home in tears about it. I imagined the teacher would get the 2 of them together and talk it through, knowing that they'd previously spent 5 years as best friends. Instead, the teacher spoke to Mia alone and came down like a tonne of bricks. At pick up, she said to me "I've blasted Mia today for what she's said to your DS, I'm coming down on her like a tonne of bricks and I've told her I'll be watching her closely and I've told her you've spoken to me about her behaviour so that she can't lie about it and so that she knows we all know".
From that day on, Mia has never said another thing to DS, but equally she now just blanks him. He says "She looks through me at school like I'm air".
Likewise, Mia's mum has stopped talking to me and either blanks me on the school run or gives me sliitted eyed evil stares.
We've both lost good friends. Long standing friends who became family friends that we spent a lot of time with. Mia's mum constantly referred to my DS as "Mia's bestie" from age 5 to 10.
DS is asking me how it went from him and Mia being best friends, to Mia turning against him literally overnight without anything bad having happened between them, no fall out, nothing.
He's asking me about it a lot and says he's really upset about what has happened and that he thought he and Mia were close friends.
I don't know how to explain things to him, because I literally don't get it. I don't understand what has happened.
I've never encountered anything like this before!
AIBU to feel upset that we've both lost close friends without either of us having actually done anything wrong?
How do I advise and explain to DS when I myself don't understand Mia's behaviour after years of them having a happy friendship where Mia used to actively seek out and love my DS, and ditto Mia's mum towards me?

@WiseOwl24 I think your son has had a lucky escape from this potential bully. as she gets older, she will realise that you cannot treat other people like that, and if she doesnt realise then she will end up with no friends at all!

Yes, there was a temporary blip in boy/girl friendships at 8/9/10, when at DS’s school, the sexes diverged socially, but they all seem to have come back together again in the final primary year.

This is tough. You’ve done nothing wrong, but you’ve seen a side of your friend you didn’t know existed. Her child is behaving like a bully and she isn’t willing to deal with it. If that’s her attitude it was always going to come crashing down one day, but it’s so sad for you to bear the brunt of it.

Just be honest with your son. Talk about bullying, the reasons people do it and why it’s wrong. Explain he didn’t cause it or deserve it, and it’s not in his control. Help him to branch out into new friendship groups and find his feet with other kids. It’s a really hard lesson and the best thing for him is lots of reassurance that it’s not his fault, and he couldn’t have prevented it.

@minerva7
Yep, shrieked AI to me when I read it.

It sounds awful 😢

One thing I learnt from my eldest daughter’s time at primary school was to not get too involved with her friends parents. We had similar where I actually witnessed kids being mean to my daughter at someone’s house so as I was friends with their mums I told them and they wouldn’t believe me. It turned very nasty. To the point now where my daughter is almost 18 and one of these girls and her mother still give us dirty looks if they see us! 🤯

It’s really hard but I would never get so close to a school friends parent again.

@MollyButton

You also should have spoken to the class teacher much sooner. I would always talk to a class teacher before another parent.

Not if your friends with the mum. I've never gone straight to school as that would be the end of the friendship. It's better to try to sort it out between you.

I did have a similar incident but luckily the other parents were really reasonable. We had a quick chat about how upset our DC was and they had a word.

Unfortunately, some people cannot accept any criticism of their children.

It's normal for friendships to change over these ages but I would wonder if anything is going on at home considering the drastic change in the child's behaviour and the mothers unreasonable response.

Seems like Mia is so desperate to be liked by the popular kids that she will do whatever it takes to accomplish this, including hurting former friends. This is not your son's fault and Mia and her mum were never really friends of yours. Sorry it happened. It feels awful, but there is nothing you can do about people changing their stripes like that.

A sudden switch like that, I’d actually wonder if something else is going on with Mia than thinking growing pains.

This sounds inevitable to be honest. School mum friends are not always life long friends. Life moved on and friendships change..she hasn't behaved well but just put it behind you and move on.

The mistake you made was not going to the school first with the allegations that your son made and to get the schools opinion on the matter.

By going to his mum and saying 'Your daughter said X and Y', you immediately put her on the spot and embarrassed her and she may be one of those parents that cannot believe their child will ever do or say anything bad.

I also think it was a mistake to get so close with a family based on very young children being friends as inevitably as they get older they will fall out or change friendship groups as they develop different tastes and hobbies etc.

But it's over now, the girl sounds obnoxious and spoilt but is at least leaving your son alone.

You now know that the people you were friends with are just particularly nice so move on and find new friends.

The girl sounds as if she has turned into a nasty bully. I think you need to accept the friendship is over no point in pretending otherwise. The mum hasn't dealt with it well. She sounds extremely childish and petty. Concentrate on developing new friendships.

As everyone else has said, it's normal, just build his resilience, help him develop different friendships, with other children he may now have more in common with. And explain that sometimes friendships s change, people grow apart and develop different friendships. That it's ok to have some time to feel sad about it, but that the only thing to do is move forward. Could be a good thing in the long run because he's still at an age where you can help him with new friends by organising play dates, which won't be the case in a couple of years.

I think what is odd in the OP is the direct reporting of the DS words, when OP wasn't there to hear them. This makes it sound a bit weird and fake. OP can't possibly know those were the words her DS used. Of course he may say they were, but it isn't necessarily right.

That's because I'm paraphrasing what DS said to me.

When my daughter started high school she kept telling me about a girl she really disliked. One day she came home and said that this girl had invited her to her house and I said "Oh, so I'm guessing you said no" She said "No, I said yes!!" She went and they have been good friends for close to 10 years! They are very different, but they get on.

On the flip side, the girl that she was best friends with for the first three years or so, suddenly decided she didn't want to be her best friend any more and left my daughter bereft! They are friends again now, but at the time, my daughter just couldn't understand it.

It goes on, it is part of life and they need to learn to deal with it. Just take time with your son to explain and help him move on x

Thanks everyone.
Lots of very sound advice here that I'm taking on board, for which I'm very grateful.
Thank you!

Girls between aged 10 and 14 are a total nightmare in the friendship front. They are always falling out with each other. It’s much less common with boys, perhaps because they are far less prone to noticing social cues or demanding social conformity. It’s unfortunate for your son that Mia has suddenly become a bit too worldly and decided that he isn’t her friend any more. It is even more unfortunate that it’s had such a negative impact on your friendship. I have managed to maintain a friendship with parents whose daughter clearly thinks my daughter was part of a cooler crowd who left her out. In truth, my daughter is just very good at being friends with everyone. We didn’t have the nasty words problem. But equally, my daughter can’t be expected to look after the shy child all the time. Tricky to navigate. They are at different secondary schools now and they get on perfectly well when we meet socially.

Sorry your son has been through this but it sounds like the dynamics of the relationship between you and Mia's mum may have not helped. I have seen situations when the parents become friends because the kids were then the kids outgrow each other and the situation implodes.

My son went to primary with kids who were "friends". The reality was they didn't like each other much in later primary years, 4 out of the 5 of the kids were the school bullies and very disliked by most of the rest of the school kids but the mums friendship meant the kids had to be friends. They arranged days out, pick up and drop of togethers, activities together, nights out etc. That's fine when kids are 5 but at 10 is stifling, controlling and totally over bearing parenting.

I do feel for your ds but unfortunately this level of friendship isn't sustainable as kids become different people as they mature.

Obviously Mia behaviour was unacceptable and cruel but maybe she was fed up with her mum and her mum's friend controlling her friendship group. Step back, focus on building new social opportunities for your ds and let Mia and her mum get on with their own lives. If Mia is behaving that badly now do you really want your ds dragged into it all anyway?

Why should OP need to build bridges? She's done nothing wrong but try to resolve a situation that the other mum didn't want to resolve. You have to have boundaries and self respect, showing this to your child too.

I'm over cautious, but I never put my eggs in one basket with relationships, these types of fallouts are very common where mums become close because the kids are and the kids end up falling out. I've never been one to be besties with neighbours or workmates either. If a relationship goes south, it's always best to not be too enmeshed in each other's lives! The mum friends I get on best with are those who I first met at local playgroup and our kids are all either in the year above/below or at different schools. Our kids are friendly with each other and there's less competitiveness or drama all round.
Your poor son for this to happen to him. This girl sounds rather unpleasant and I agree with posters that although it's tough for him right now, it's ultimately for the best that she has shown her true colours. It's also very good that the teacher has dealt with the nastiness so swiftly!

I imagined the teacher would get the 2 of them together and talk it through, knowing that they'd previously spent 5 years as best friends. Instead, the teacher spoke to Mia alone and came down like a tonne of bricks.

The teacher's interest wouldn't be to preserve the friendship when it's clear that it's not working. (It's natural that your son misses Mia specifically and misses having his old best friend - but would he even have fun hanging out with her given that her new interests are so different from his?) The teacher's job is to stop the damaging behaviour - Mia's bullying of your son - and it sounds like that HAS stopped.

I'd take that as a foundation to get your son to seek out or at least be open to new friends - maybe a hobby group, or a sport, if he's not making friends on his own? There may be some great kids at school or in your neighborhood or community who share his interests and level of maturity and enjoy the same kinds of activities but he hasn't really got to know them because of spending so much time with Mia. This may be a good time to remind him that we can't control other people's behaviour, only our own, and no one knows what Mia's thinking unless she wants to share that. Encourage him to be polite to her, but not to wait around for her to change back or apologise or explain her behaviour.

After reading all the replies, I get the moving on bit.
I just don't get the nastiness.

This happened to DS a few years ago.
He was best friends with a girl from nursery and all throughout primary. The girl didn’t have any girl friends in school despite her mums best efforts of organising play dates with them - the girl always gravitated back to DS.
In year 6 when the mother discovered they would be going to the same secondary school told her DD to stop being friends with DS, the girl was so nasty and the school knew it was coming from the mother.
DS has ASD and the reason why they gravitated together was because they were so similar. The girls mother didn’t want her DD to be with DS in secondary, I felt they needed to explore other friendships but I was going to ask for them to be in separate forms in secondary before the nastiness even started.

At pick up, she said to me "I've blasted Mia today for what she's said to your DS, I'm coming down on her like a tonne of bricks and I've told her I'll be watching her closely and I've told her you've spoken to me about her behaviour so that she can't lie about it and so that she knows we all know".

Actually I think that's fairly good response it's what DD1 secondary did when it was still a good school - that was also being bullying outside school - and they came down on it like a ton of bricks - stopped it but yes friendship never came back. DD1 move on to a better group of friends soem of who have lasted.

One thing I would say is get him involved in outside clubs if you can - so if things are hard friendship wise in school they know it's not them - cubs good for this but anything really.

Friendship with other mother sound more one of convenience anyway and another year with them at secondary would be petering out anyway.

Had something similarly with DS. Best friends for a couple of years and then friend wanted to be with the cool guys and started putting DC down. Friend's mum said that sometimes my DC had used swear words at school. Off topic completely but the mum had to justify her son's behaviour because he can do no wrong in her eyes. Luckily DS has other friends but he was very hurt by exfriend's behaviour.