To feel upset me and DS have lost friends and it wasn't our fault

[WiseOwl24]

DS is 10.
Since age 5, he's been best friends with a girl in his class, let's call her Mia (not her real name). They've spent 5 years being each other's best friends. And in that time I've become really close to Mia's mum. 5 years of playdates, park after school, entire Sunday afternoons spent together, going out for lunch at weekends as families, I've had them round to mine as a family and hosted them on numerous occasions. Bought lovely birthday presents for them as they have done for us. What I'm trying to explain is, we ensured been close for 5 years.
A few months ago, out of the blue, DS came home from school upset saying that Mia had suddenly started saying mean things to him like "I hate you". "Every one in this school hates you". "Your face makes me want to vomit". "You've got no friends". All this was out of the blue. There had been no fall outs or anything.
I talked to Mia's mum and told her that Mia had been saying these things to DS, and I asked if there was a problem I didn't know about. Mia's mum said "Mia simply wouldn't say anything like that. Your DS is lying". She then called Mia over and said "Did you say these things?" Mia said "No" and Mia's mum turned to me and said "See. She says she didn't say it." Then stormed off without saying bye and made it clear she was furious with both me and DS - she literally glared at him with fury as she stormed off. He became worried and said "Why is Mia's mum angry with me?".
The next day at school, Mia ran up to DS and said "You're a snitch!!! I hate snitches!!! I hate you for snitching on me!!!". DS said "You said those things to me Mia, it really upset me, I thought we were good friends, I'm not a snitch, I just told my mum about it". Mia gave him more horrible personal insults and ran off.
The insults carried on for the next few weeks, with DS coming home regularly telling us that she was saying really horrible, nasty, spiteful, personal mean things to him at school, and she totally dumped hanging out with him and switched to a new friendship group of 'cool kids'. They are much older in their ways and their attitude than DS is, much more streetwise, sarcastic, mouthy, argumentative, trendy 10 year old boys walking round in teenage style clothes like ripped jeans and oversized skateboard tops and beanies with smartphones and using a lot of swearing in their general chat (I see them hanging around the park a lot outside of school). DS is nothing like this, he's still very much a child.
After a few weeks of Mia saying spiteful things to DS at school, I spoke to their class teacher about it and told her everything Mia was saying and I asked her to see if she could help with trying to sort out what was going on, because DS was coming home in tears about it. I imagined the teacher would get the 2 of them together and talk it through, knowing that they'd previously spent 5 years as best friends. Instead, the teacher spoke to Mia alone and came down like a tonne of bricks. At pick up, she said to me "I've blasted Mia today for what she's said to your DS, I'm coming down on her like a tonne of bricks and I've told her I'll be watching her closely and I've told her you've spoken to me about her behaviour so that she can't lie about it and so that she knows we all know".
From that day on, Mia has never said another thing to DS, but equally she now just blanks him. He says "She looks through me at school like I'm air".
Likewise, Mia's mum has stopped talking to me and either blanks me on the school run or gives me sliitted eyed evil stares.
We've both lost good friends. Long standing friends who became family friends that we spent a lot of time with. Mia's mum constantly referred to my DS as "Mia's bestie" from age 5 to 10.
DS is asking me how it went from him and Mia being best friends, to Mia turning against him literally overnight without anything bad having happened between them, no fall out, nothing.
He's asking me about it a lot and says he's really upset about what has happened and that he thought he and Mia were close friends.
I don't know how to explain things to him, because I literally don't get it. I don't understand what has happened.
I've never encountered anything like this before!
AIBU to feel upset that we've both lost close friends without either of us having actually done anything wrong?
How do I advise and explain to DS when I myself don't understand Mia's behaviour after years of them having a happy friendship where Mia used to actively seek out and love my DS, and ditto Mia's mum towards me?

V good advice

I remember this exact same thing happening to me aged 10! My best friend suddenly dumped me for the cool kids. I was a bit lost for a while but then some new kids joined our school and I became friends with them.

We then went to secondary school and I made a new friend in my tutor and my best friend from primary school felt that i'd dumped her - then I was best friend dumped again around 15!

Moral of the story is that unfortunately this is pretty normal and there's a good chance that you have more of it to come. Mia has changed and doesn't sound like she's really on your ds's wave length any more even if she wasn't being so horrible, so encourage him to find new friends that are. It might take a little time but he'll be starting secondary school soon and then will have a much larger pool of people to find friends in.

’Mia’ has found a new friendship group with the mean school bully kids and has become one herself. She is saying the kind of thing to your son that these other kids say, Mia is made to feel ashamed and embarrassed to be friends with your son by them, they probably badmouth him too. Mia’s mum isn’t a very nice person if she doesn’t accept that her daughter might be influenced this way, and refuses to investigate it properly or address it.

You have to let it go OP. Kids that age can be really nasty and the worst among them are the ones with parents who don’t address it.

The natural maturity of different children really stands out from age 10 and it's a very normal time for friendships to fall appart. I'm sorry this happened it happened to us too my daughters friendship group of 5 girls jusy fell appart and there was no recovery. The girls all changed over the holiday and came back to school and just didn't click anymore.

They seemed to be your friends but sad to find out they aren't very nice people.

Focus on encouraging new friendships and explain to ds it is Mia's loss you, it is sad but he deserves better.

As a teacher, I have seen this happen most commonly in year 7, usually between girls. Mía has decided she wants to be part of “the cool gang” and needs to sacrifice her friendship with your son to join. As she doesn’t have the emotional intelligence to tell him that she no longer wants to hang around with him, she has resorted to ending the friendship in a really mean way by forcing him away by bullying.

There doesn’t always have to be a big fall out for kids to end friendships, it sounds like they have grown apart with your DS being very young for his age and Mia preferring to hang out with a different crowd. It’s not uncommon for pre-teen girls to feel like they have to start acting mature at that age and there isn’t as much pressure for boys, sounds like she sees your son as uncool and probably felt that she had to distance herself from him to fit in with the other crowd of children. Maybe it could have been resolved but obviously you then got involved with her Mum which was never going to go well, obviously her Mum was going to take her side, you should have spoken to the teacher in the first distance before it all escalated.

The thing is, she believes her child and you believe yours. Although you report what was apparently said as fact you only have your child's word for it. That said, this kind of fall-out is incredibly common between children. You perhaps invested more in the adults' friendship than the other couple did. Try and take this as an opportunity to broader your social circle.

At this age, children are working out who they are and who they want to be. They often end their boy girl friendships for fear of being teased, and just join girl/boy groups.

Unfortunately Mia has got there before your son and has ditched him in the only way she knows how- being mean. She may even have been pressured by the other girls.

It isn’t about him, it’s about her. She is allowed to grow up and want different friends.

I think you failed him in fighting for the friendship rather than helping him let it go and move on.

I feel for you. It still happens when the kids are doing GCSEs and a levels so the best thing to do is foster resilience in your son and help him make new friends in school and out of school. Clubs at 13 outside school were our families saving grace when the popular bully set her eyes on my children. There was huge friendship implosion at 16 as well which was horrid to see and while most of the mums stayed out of it one of the mums turned out to be slightly unhinged. My advice here is: yoj won't get anywhere blaming another parent or laying into them for their child's behaviour. The vast majority of parents will get defensive and hate you if you do which is why it's always a good move to leave it to the kids or in extremisis the teacher to sort out. I've got through 15 years of nursery and schooling with only three mum friends staying the course. My kids have learned a lot about character though - particularly the weak kids who are too scared to cross or contradict the popular girl so will only talk or be friends when she isn't looking.
Hopefully a new school at 11 will be a good opportunity for your son to reset.

You are not getting the full story, Mias mum is not getting the full story, friendship has ended, let it go.

Friends change through childhood, and boy/girl friendships often become strained at puberty especially. As for the adult situation, I'm guessing that the other mum wasn't putting as much attachment to the friendship as you.

Parents often have situational friendships because of the children but they don't last once the children leave school / change friendship group / move. I had "good friends" where I used to live but once I moved they fizzled, it's normal even without any drama

This is so odd. I feel like I have read this exact post before!

I would be grateful I was rid of these horrible people. Tell your son that times change and people change and the right people stick around. She is obviously a 'princess' and fancies herself with the cool crowd. Tell him to ignore her too. I had a similar incident at school and the boy concerned turned out in life to be a complete failure and jerk. It upset me at the time but when you look at me now and him, I know who I would rather be.

You can't explain.
Just have to say it looks like she's changed and it's really sad.
It is really sad ☹️

Sorry this has happened to you but the fact that you and your DS are having parallel experiences means you can show him how to deal with it - “a shame we aren’t all friends anymore but I’m glad we found out that it wasn’t much of a friendship after all, let’s not dwell on it and move on. Do you think xx would like to meet up sometime?”

There will be future dramas with this child so you really are better out of it - don’t engage, show your DS you are surprised how both of them have behaved but chalk it up to experience and find other friends.

Neither of the families are hearing an unbiased account of whats been happening.
You cant make Mia be friends with DS.
Best bet imo is to support him to move on and make new friends instead. Its horrible to see them upset when friendships change or a friend is just downright mean, but both parties ate just children with very little emotional/relationship skilks.

Yeah, same, even down to the words used.

The fall out is unfortunately normal especially as puberty starts. What’s a shame is what happened between you two mums and it seems like both of you were on the offensive very quickly. I’d give it a bit of time and just try to be civil until the anger all passes. And definitely looking at finding other friendships.

You can't fully believe your son though. You said to the mum and teacher "she said" You weren't there.

I always go with "dd said, xxxx said."

I assume they are in year 6? She will be wanting to get a friendship group ready for y7.

Does your son have any male friends? Can you encourage him to hang around with new people ready for next September?

@WiseOwl24 The problem here is not Mia or your DS. Kids go through phases of being friends then enemies so I wouldn’t worry too much on that one.

The problem here is Mia’s mother. She should be an adult. Talk to Mia one on one and get to the bottom of it not acting like Mia could do no wrong. She is the problem and I think you are better off without her friendship tbh.

exactly what @Pomegranatecarnage says.

Happened to DD too with her "best friend" over a couple of years who decided to throw her under the bus as the cool kids let the girl know that she couldn't be with the cool kids if she was friends with DD.

They seem to have had a lovely time together in the early years but it's time to move on. It's a good teaching moment, people who do what is right are often in the minority while many people sadly don't stand up for what is right and throw principles and morals over board to be "popular", cool or successful.

Tell him it is sad she has changed and wants to be cool now but that it is for the best and time for him to move on and find better friends. DD had a tough year when it happened but has several lovely new friends now and is happy.

It’s normal for friendships to change at this age and children can be very brutal about it.

As for Mia’s mum, I have to say she doesn’t sound like she was ever really a true friend, if she turned against you in this way, and maybe it’s better not to have childish friends in any case. The mature adult way to handle these things is to keep the adult relationship respectful and lines of communication open. She has behaved like a 10 year old herself in this case.

It hurts, but it’s probably for the best in all honesty.

Because of the way the teacher handled it (very well imo) it makes me wonder if you’re not the first parent to approach her about Mia’s behaviour

This!

You also should have spoken to the class teacher much sooner. I would always talk to a class teacher before another parent.