To feel upset me and DS have lost friends and it wasn't our fault

[WiseOwl24]

DS is 10.
Since age 5, he's been best friends with a girl in his class, let's call her Mia (not her real name). They've spent 5 years being each other's best friends. And in that time I've become really close to Mia's mum. 5 years of playdates, park after school, entire Sunday afternoons spent together, going out for lunch at weekends as families, I've had them round to mine as a family and hosted them on numerous occasions. Bought lovely birthday presents for them as they have done for us. What I'm trying to explain is, we ensured been close for 5 years.
A few months ago, out of the blue, DS came home from school upset saying that Mia had suddenly started saying mean things to him like "I hate you". "Every one in this school hates you". "Your face makes me want to vomit". "You've got no friends". All this was out of the blue. There had been no fall outs or anything.
I talked to Mia's mum and told her that Mia had been saying these things to DS, and I asked if there was a problem I didn't know about. Mia's mum said "Mia simply wouldn't say anything like that. Your DS is lying". She then called Mia over and said "Did you say these things?" Mia said "No" and Mia's mum turned to me and said "See. She says she didn't say it." Then stormed off without saying bye and made it clear she was furious with both me and DS - she literally glared at him with fury as she stormed off. He became worried and said "Why is Mia's mum angry with me?".
The next day at school, Mia ran up to DS and said "You're a snitch!!! I hate snitches!!! I hate you for snitching on me!!!". DS said "You said those things to me Mia, it really upset me, I thought we were good friends, I'm not a snitch, I just told my mum about it". Mia gave him more horrible personal insults and ran off.
The insults carried on for the next few weeks, with DS coming home regularly telling us that she was saying really horrible, nasty, spiteful, personal mean things to him at school, and she totally dumped hanging out with him and switched to a new friendship group of 'cool kids'. They are much older in their ways and their attitude than DS is, much more streetwise, sarcastic, mouthy, argumentative, trendy 10 year old boys walking round in teenage style clothes like ripped jeans and oversized skateboard tops and beanies with smartphones and using a lot of swearing in their general chat (I see them hanging around the park a lot outside of school). DS is nothing like this, he's still very much a child.
After a few weeks of Mia saying spiteful things to DS at school, I spoke to their class teacher about it and told her everything Mia was saying and I asked her to see if she could help with trying to sort out what was going on, because DS was coming home in tears about it. I imagined the teacher would get the 2 of them together and talk it through, knowing that they'd previously spent 5 years as best friends. Instead, the teacher spoke to Mia alone and came down like a tonne of bricks. At pick up, she said to me "I've blasted Mia today for what she's said to your DS, I'm coming down on her like a tonne of bricks and I've told her I'll be watching her closely and I've told her you've spoken to me about her behaviour so that she can't lie about it and so that she knows we all know".
From that day on, Mia has never said another thing to DS, but equally she now just blanks him. He says "She looks through me at school like I'm air".
Likewise, Mia's mum has stopped talking to me and either blanks me on the school run or gives me sliitted eyed evil stares.
We've both lost good friends. Long standing friends who became family friends that we spent a lot of time with. Mia's mum constantly referred to my DS as "Mia's bestie" from age 5 to 10.
DS is asking me how it went from him and Mia being best friends, to Mia turning against him literally overnight without anything bad having happened between them, no fall out, nothing.
He's asking me about it a lot and says he's really upset about what has happened and that he thought he and Mia were close friends.
I don't know how to explain things to him, because I literally don't get it. I don't understand what has happened.
I've never encountered anything like this before!
AIBU to feel upset that we've both lost close friends without either of us having actually done anything wrong?
How do I advise and explain to DS when I myself don't understand Mia's behaviour after years of them having a happy friendship where Mia used to actively seek out and love my DS, and ditto Mia's mum towards me?

This.

Mia's behaviour sounds like adolescence kicking in, she obviously thinks of herself as a bit of a queen bee and longer wants to be seen hanging around with DS.

Teacher obviously saw what was going on but handled it badly, her mum doesn't want to accept that her princess ever does wrong.

You can't always explain why people change like this, and it's probably not the last time your DS will experience this type of rejection. Mumsnet is infested with stories like this well into adulthood.

Just reassure him he hasn't done anything wrong and that some people are just odd, and sometimes horrible. It's all part of growing up I'm afraid.

Also, just to share my own anecdote, I had a best friend ages 6-12, and she also abandoned me to be ‘cool’ in her teenage years.

We reconnected somewhat in 6th form, and kept in sporadic but fairly distant contact through uni.

By our 20s I had matured and grown up, and she had got over her need to be cool above all else. We found ourselves living in the same city and became close friends again. We are now in our 40s and I’m sure will be friends for life.

You never know. It may blow over yet.

If I could go back in time to advise myself I'd say not to overly engage in adults who encourage "Bestie" type relationships as they are possibly a bit neurotic - same goes for parents trying to label the kids as boyfriends and girlfriends - alarm bells that thye are unhinged in my opinion.

I had this with an parent referring to her dc and mine as bff's from about age 5. Thankfully this wasnt in school, but as neighbours so it's not had as big of an impact as your situation.

What I did at school though is encourage friendships with all the class boys and girls and this has been done by developing a wide range of interests, I'd suggest this.

Is your son friendly with other children in the class or do you think this has been neglected if all his eggs have been in one basket with Mia as such?

Does he have a wide variety of interests to discuss with his peers like:

• a sport,
• a social club like scouting,
• gaming experience to be regarded as a valuable team member in online gaming like minecraft, roblox or fortnite - is he setup for online gaming with his classmates on ps or xbox so he can join party chats, we used to have xbox but got ps as that the most popular console in the class and they all enjoy a chat on there while gaming.
• pokemon cards,
• football stickers,
• up to date with latest netflix movies or TV shows,
• up to date with popular series of books that are popular in class

• these seem like the most common off the top of my head to find an in with most kids, girls and boys.

Also if the other kids are wearing skateboarding clothing, are you fortunate to live near an indoor skatepark, is that something that is popular with classmates, normally these places have lessons, maybe that's a new hobby he could try :)

Neither of them were good friends, unfortunately, especially not the mother!

What a really horrible way to find that out.

Its not easy when it happens, but its a good opportunity to begin the groundwork for healthy friendships and relationships in the future.

It happened DS. One of his trio started picking on the other more than DS.The bulky had always had a spoiled/ mean streak that many younger kids do but mature out of by about 7 or so. Finally the victim had enough of the picking on him and cooled the friendship but DS was also cooled on by default and was hurt.

So helping DS figure out what was going on, and what he wanted to do was our job. A year on he and the nice boy are in a new friendship group. Bully has found other friends. Because we didn't confront the parent or get the school involved there was no falling out, just a gradual phasing out.

No parent is going to take it well when another accuses their little darling of being a little shit. So I and other mum figured that if bully's mum was curious about the change in friendship she would ask us. She hasn't but I still chat to her when I see her.

It was important for DS to learn when a friendship ran its course, how to navigate that, how to try to solve the issue but also learn that if someone is hurtful, it's OK to walk away.

That all sounds unpleasant and stressful. I had something not disimilar at primary and I was on edge for ages at pick up etc. your dc is going into year 6 so not that much longer at the school? Unfortunately you have to tough it out. My DS had some mild bullying at school and I was at my wit’s end trying to sort it, school were trying but it was very subtle. Eventually my DS learnt that ignoring and not caring solved it. A life lesson. Just hang in there and also can your DC meet some new children in our of school activities. This too shall pass.

No advice, but this why I have stopped making friends through my kids. It inevitably happens.

yanbu to be upset. I will say that 10 is a difficult age for boys and girls who are best friends because girls puberty and social pressures mean that girls start to see boys as too different to be friends with. It’s the start of girl cliques and girls start to be incredibly mean to girls that don’t conform to being in a girl clique and othering boys. Yes they will hang out with boys, but it’s more about experimenting at being a teenager and role playing the whole boyfriend/girlfriend dynamic. A girl that is friends with a boy or boys is often teased and called either a weirdo or a slut.

It is very sad for your DS, but at least you can reassure him that the friendship didn’t end due to anything he did. I know it is hurtful because it is literally because he is a boy that she has stopped being his friend.

Let him know this doesn’t mean other friendships are doomed.

I'm sorry you're feeling so bad, but I'd say you're both better off finding out what type of " friends" Mia and her mum are and better off without them.

As a teacher I really picked up on your description of how the school handled the situation. The fact that they came down on Mia like a tonne of bricks rather than mediating in a conversation between the two definitely tells me that the school have seen Mia's behaviour before and are well aware of what she is capable of.

Also, the mother's reaction after 5 years of friendship to be almost aggressively defensive and uninterested in any type of restoration suggests that she is also having her problems with Mia.

All in all, like I said, better off out of it.

Going forward he'll absolutely find more friendship groups and he'll be fine.

it is a shame you spoke to Mia's mum rather than directly to the school.
it is done now.
new friends will be found
try and build bridges with the mum though

It's sad when a friendship comes to an end but it sounds like you could both do better. Your son sounds like a nice child and Mia is growing up to be a nasty little bully.

If it is any consolation, there is a good chance that Mia will eventually look back at this period with regret.

Sad but you can only steer clear of Mia for now.

Possibly once her hormones have settled, in ten years, she might feel terrible that she behaved like such a brat.

It's of course a shame. My daughter has lost a couple of lifelong friends like that. One day said that no, I don't actually want to play with S, she's mean to me. Of course we discuss what happened and all, but I think it's healthy for them to learn that you don't actually have to be friends with children who don't treat you well.

DD had a friendship issue with a boy at about the same age. They'd always been quite close friends, perhaps drifting a little at that stage. Then a change of seating plan put them next to each other, and he started being really mean to her. Our guess is that one of the other boys made some comment about "sitting with your girlfriend", and so he was doing everything he could to make it clear to them that she was not his girlfriend. DD was able to understand that as a reason, although she still needed it to stop. Fortunately, in our case, a quiet word with mum provoked an apology and a cessation, and they were both able to move on, but no longer friends. A couple of years later they were part of the same friendship group again, once mixed groups became okay again.

It might help your son to understand that at this age there sometimes is pressure not to have the boy-girl friendships, and that might be the cause. It's a pity it's been so acrimonious, though, and that you've lost the parent friendship too.

Does this read like AI to anyone else? The exaggerated descriptions and duplicate use of words/sayings.

If I am wrong I wholeheartedly apologise op it just reads very strange.

Horrible for your son, but I wonder if the friendship was a little stifling for Mia, especially as you and her mum were best friends too. That's a lot of weight loaded on a childhood friendship.

And at the age of 10, girls especially can change pretty fast. I know I did. I didn't want to hang around with kids I thought were childish.

Mia reacted badly because she doesn't have the social skills to extricate herself from the friendship in a way that's kind to your son. Her mother reacted badly too. Unfortunately your son is the one who is hurt, and that sucks.

Your poor DS, this is very common but still awful. Girls mature far quicker than boys and this girl is obviously ready to move on to the next phase of her life (tweens). I’d explain to your son and say that she hasn’t handled this very well at all and even though he feels upset and his feelings are completely valid, this is about her and not him. Tell him that sometimes people act in ways we don’t understand. I’d suggest that your friendship with this mum is now over as she probably doesn’t know what to do so has lashed out at you and your DS and is now avoiding you. So sorry OP it’s really tough to deal with this complete bewilderment.

You called your good friend's daughter a bully. Sorry OP but that was never going to go down well even though it is the truth.

She is not the friend you thought she was , you've had a lucky escape . Similar happened to us but not as long as 5 years , it upset me for a long time but now I feel glad to be out of that friendship. Onwards and upwards, it is their loss

It's never a good idea to encourage intense 'bestie' relationships with young children. Far better for them to have a wide range of friends, some school, some family friends and some hobby/sport related. Tell your son it's sad that Mia has chosen to behave like this and then encourage his other friendships. Once he's at secondary school, he'll have the opportunity to make lots of new friends. Encourage him to not put all his eggs in one basket. In my experience, these intense close friendships nearly always end badly!

She wasn't nice enough and that's what changed it. Not your fault but that's life.
Things go wrong and it's about them not you.
I'm sure .lots of us have been in similar situations at one time or a other. Things happen.
Dosent sound like your missing out on much. Make new friends. They have and will.

The friendship has come to a natural end. Not all friendships are forever, especially at this age. I'm sorry it happened in such a nasty way for your son. Tell him the truth and let it go. Encourage other friendships.

Your friendship with the mum hasn't survived this. I have a wonderful friendship with a mum friend when our kids don't talk to each other anymore. But we had a separate friendship that didn't involve the kids, even though that's how we met

Teaching Years 5/6 for many years, you see this many times.
Often at the Leavers' Assembly they show photos of the kids since Reception, and it's very common to see photos of children hugging in Reception/Yr 1 and then their bemused looks and 'Oh yeah, I used to be friends with ......' and it's two children who are totally different who've I've never seen speak to one another.
Boy-girl friendships are rare at that age, and the tale you tell is as old as time.

And yes, the adult friendship was an add-on, not a genuine one from the sounds of it. Sorry to hear that. Some people are mercurial.