18 year old is pushing me to the limit with rudeness

[Myhouseisnotahotel]

I have name changed. My ds1 is 18 and was offered a university place. He has decided to defer his place and take a year out. He spends all day in bed and either games all night until the early hours or goes.out. He has a pair time job. I work different hours so I might be at home during the week and work weekends. Some days I work at home aswell. This week I'm off work. My.husband works nights. When we cook dinner for the family he doesn't come down for it until he decides he will. Yesterday he didn' have any of his dinner dh chucked it in the bin untouched. Today we decided as im off and dh was.stsrting at.430 we'd have.dinner at lunchtime. I called him down for dinner to be ignored over.and over. So I put.it in the fridge. Mr and ds2 went school shoes shopping this afternoon. At 9pm I found ds1 in the kitchen cooking loads of.pasta..I.said what about the dinner in the fridge no he said I don't want that you have it. But it was.nice.i said. Well you said yesterday's dinner was nice but it was disgusting so your opinion doesn't count. Today's dinner got binned aswell. I wouldn't mind but when I don't cook for him he says where's.my dinner why haven't you cooked.for me but obviously that's why!

This is how he has lived.since he's left school apart from doing a couple of shifts a week. He's so rude. His bedroom is strewn with takeaway packages. Even when we went away on holiday he drank all night and slept past lunch every day He came on holidaywith no.money and constantly asking us for money. Atleast if he was going away to university it'll be over soon but now he's not going to do that now.he says. I just feel so stressed thinking that he's going to live like this with no end. Am.i being unreasonable to want things to change?

my advice OP:

• Stop making his meals. Just stop doing it.
• Ask him what his plans are for the year - lazing around doing F all is not an option.
• Tell him to get a job with more hours
• Collect a household contribution from him monthly and secretly put it aside for his uni next year.

I was told if I wanted a gap year I wasn't doing it under her roof, through no fault of my own. I wouldn't have dared show my ass like the way your son has. Time for him to grow up, or go away.

Gosh this sounds really tough, OP. I know this is much easier said than done, but what do you and your DH think about having a chat with your son and giving him an ultimatum? To do this, have a think about which rules are most important to you, tell your son these are non negotiable, and if he cannot follow them, he needs to find his own place? I realise that is so much easier said than done, but just a suggestion. I hope things get better for you soon.

18 years old is an adult, if he wants to treat you with such disrespect suggest he finds his own place to live. (Yes I know that's unreasonable but so is throwing out food every day)

Or he can start acting like a respectful person. Stop doing his laundry or cooking for him. Tell him he can prepare his own meals but he also needs to buy his own food. If he chooses to live on takeaways and live in a pigsty, let him.
Assuming he isn't paying rent or contributing to bills.
Restrict WiFi usage. Kick his devices off from 11pm to 7am.

Set boundaries and demand he respects you in your house.

Tell him that you were expecting him to go off to uni. As he hasn't, and he's 18, you are now setting ground rules if he wants to stay in the house.

Think about what you want those to be and stick to them!!!!

I took my gap year to move out, it was the only chance I had to save money. My mother would have taken everything from me if I hadn't.

Whe I try to talk to him usually when he's in bed as like today he didn't get up until gone 3pm, he is so rude. Today he just kept saying shutup and go away

Well, he just doesn’t get to behave like that under your roof. He needs a reality check (delivered by calm discussion) about treating you (and prob others) with respect and about needing to act 18, not 14 or go rent somewhere (likely!!). He hasn’t discovered weed has he?

Strip the covers off his bed.

I'd be telling him that he has to move out within 30 days then, if he continues this performance. The little bollix.

You’ve raised a spoilt brat. Please don’t release this man into the world until you’ve taught him some manners and he knows how to show others respect.

' shut up and go away '

OK it's time you found a full time job and moved out. get some independence, and enjoy University in a years time - if he does even go.

I agree that if he’s not going uni, he needs to get work and pay his way.
Secondly, not listening to you when called for dinner is disrespectful, so no dinner for him, don’t save it.
He needs to pull his damned docked up or move out. He’s 18 now. Give him some options now, don’t wait.

God I feel your pain, I have got a similar one here. You are definitely not being unreasonable. There are a few things I can say, and I don't know whether any of them will work as every situation is different

• don't bother doing them any dinner, they will disappoint you every time, have cans of ravioli, mac cheese, cans of chilli, pot noodles, frozen iceland crap, bread, beans, spaghetti, pasta, cheap pizza - and for every mumsnetter that comes along and says "you need to be putting healthy alternatives ready to heat up" these tin gods will not eat anything that is homegrown. They would rather go without.
• They become nocturnal. Extremely irritating, but a fact. The best you can sometimes do is minimise disturbance to anyone else and have zero tolerance on this (no mates back etc.)
• Their attention to their own environment is very poor. They are happy to live in a room without bedsheets, takeaway boxes, half eaten food plates, stuff on all night (PCs lights, unlocked doors)
• They are difficult about nearly every subject, and don't engage well.

What I will say is (and this is just my son) They cannot manage without money for long. Don't give them money. Keep the channels of conversation open, it is hard but when they want to, they will come and talk to you. Mine knows he is on a track that does not suit him. (and god knows it doesn't suit us) and will ask for help, and we give it. We tidy his room together, he is more accepting of having a homecooked chilli and rice from the slowcooker, and he slowly creeps towards being an acceptable adult with adequate boundaries. He really loves me, despite the issues, and I really love him. We talk often. I know there will be plenty that might say "you are soft, a fool, and you need to be hard, throw them out, it is the only way". Easy for people to say. Wishing you strength and love xx

Agree with @Mmhmmn weed causes bad attitude. It also stinks, so unless you are nose blind, you would probably have an inkling.

Pack his bags and show him the door.Tell him you understand he'd be happier living elsewhere, and realise that now he's a young man, he needs his own space without his mother causing him such discomfort.

Right now I am laying in bed alone as.my husband is working nights as a long-distance lorry driver. And I am feeling so depressed and like the.worse mum ever. My younger son is.nothing like.him. We will sort out the.kitchen together after dinner, and then we will watch something on Netflix most evenings together. If I'm working later he will cook the dinner and I come home to a cooked dinner. So they are absolutely nothing like.each other. Ds1 is never interested in coming downstairs and doing stuff like.that. And he could do more hours.at the job he has. He just needs to put himself down for.more shifts. Some.weeks he does more.sbifts but lately he isn't

It sounds really shit OP.

The biggest thing is to remember it is YOUR house. He is taking advantage, time to treat him as a tennant. Therefore he has to:

a) keep his area of the house clean
b) contribute financially/or through shared labour (food/cleaning
c) not behave in an anti-social way.

If he lived in halls he would also have a code of conduct to live by, and would have to turn assignments in on time, behave in an acceptable way in common areas.

Have a think about what you would like YOUR house to be and then set some rules. If they are not followed he has to find somewhere else to live. You don't have to be aggressive or horrible just practice saying no in a firm way.

He’s got a job - you need to tell him he needs to pay his way. If he’s got to pay you a big chunk of his wages - I suspect university may sound more appealing.

How much board is a reasonable amount? Me and dh are finding this an unexpected minefield

I would say 300 a month should do it. If he misses it he has to leave (real world rules).

In this case I think it needs to be a big enough chunk for him to realise that he’d be better of at uni.

Full disclosure I'm not a parent, but it sounds you need to play him at his own game. He wants to be treated as an adult, so do that and reframe things a bit like you've got a shit housemate - no pocket money, no cooking dinners that get binned, no doing his laundry etc. Because you respect him as a mature adult who is more than capable of doing those things himself. If he wants to stay on bed until 3, fine, he's an adult, but then don't pander to that by working meals around him or anything.
The lack of respect thing towards you, treat in a similar way. That's not how adults speak to each other in this household so he has a choice, he can treat you like a decent human being should or he can live elsewhere, and you will respect his adult decision either way.

“Since you’re obviously so adult to speak to another adult in that manner, you’ve got 30 days to move out and live on your own like an adult.”

Call. His. Bluff.

No way on god’s green earth would I put up with such disrespect in my own home. Nope.

You're not alone, OP; teens/young adults are really hard work (majority ). I work with them. I think for a lot of parents, it is such a shock from your young child being lovely, sweet and cuddly (and expecting them to stay this way) that by the time these problems come up in teen years, it is a shock!

When people say parenting is hard, this is the stage that can be the worst. They don't listen; know it all; selfish; dirty and so much more. I think if parents tried to prepare for these hard years, they would firmly establish boundaries very early on in childhood. But the years go quick and before you know it, here you are.