18 year old is pushing me to the limit with rudeness

[Myhouseisnotahotel]

I have name changed. My ds1 is 18 and was offered a university place. He has decided to defer his place and take a year out. He spends all day in bed and either games all night until the early hours or goes.out. He has a pair time job. I work different hours so I might be at home during the week and work weekends. Some days I work at home aswell. This week I'm off work. My.husband works nights. When we cook dinner for the family he doesn't come down for it until he decides he will. Yesterday he didn' have any of his dinner dh chucked it in the bin untouched. Today we decided as im off and dh was.stsrting at.430 we'd have.dinner at lunchtime. I called him down for dinner to be ignored over.and over. So I put.it in the fridge. Mr and ds2 went school shoes shopping this afternoon. At 9pm I found ds1 in the kitchen cooking loads of.pasta..I.said what about the dinner in the fridge no he said I don't want that you have it. But it was.nice.i said. Well you said yesterday's dinner was nice but it was disgusting so your opinion doesn't count. Today's dinner got binned aswell. I wouldn't mind but when I don't cook for him he says where's.my dinner why haven't you cooked.for me but obviously that's why!

This is how he has lived.since he's left school apart from doing a couple of shifts a week. He's so rude. His bedroom is strewn with takeaway packages. Even when we went away on holiday he drank all night and slept past lunch every day He came on holidaywith no.money and constantly asking us for money. Atleast if he was going away to university it'll be over soon but now he's not going to do that now.he says. I just feel so stressed thinking that he's going to live like this with no end. Am.i being unreasonable to want things to change?

Well he wouldn't be talking to me like that while living under my roof, nor would I be cooking meals for him to throw away.

If he can't behave properly then he can go out and find somewhere else to live. Why do people put up with this sort of nonsense?

Wtf?! Parents of younger children read this as a cautionary tale and nip in the bud children being rude to your face. Have been horrified over the years by how friends accepted being talked to by their children.

Dd1 is this exact age also deferring university so working before travelling and is an absolute delight to have around because ever since she could talk we’ve had very firm boundaries with how we talk to each other.

Do a full-time job, help around the house, show up for meals and present a decent behavior. And £300 paid at home.
Otherwise it's off with him to a suit yourself life out.
Being 18 yo and a gap year is not a free pass for rude behavior.

He is living like a student without being a student. He needs a real life kick. Either get a full time job or volunteer or something for his year out. Future jobs will ask what he did during his year off. They wont be impressed with part time job and gaming. I would also say that he has to give you a plan for next year or sit down with you to talk about his options as a condition of staying

My BIL is like this. These are the things I wish my PIL did...
Firstly address the rude behaviour - that is not acceptable! He's an adult and can't speak to other adults that way!

Make an achievable plan or make him make an achievable plan for whatever length of time. Achievable is key, saying something ridiculous with no small steps of how to get there will just lead to him feeling like a failure.

Only give ultimatums you are actually willing to follow through on, otherwise he will know there is no meaning behind them and ignore them all.

Give some small form of praise when something good is done, (I'm talking even just verbal).

I know this gets thrown around a lot on MN but I don't say it lightly. Consider he might be developing mental health problems.

Where is your dh in all of this? Why isn't he pulling him up on his behaviour?
You both need to get strict with the ground rules.

Does he speak to everyone in the house like that or just you?

I agree with PP about mental health. He is sounding like he is withdrawing from the world. Does he see friends, go out? Gym?

Also I wouldn't necessarily be encouraging starting uni while he is like this because as things stand, all that is likely to happen is he drops out with a big load of debt and is straight back to gaming I'm his bedroom.

If he's taking a year out I'd expect him to be self funding and either working or travelling. I didn't charge board during uni but I did when they started working full time.

My dds weren't too bad, I had rules about no old food /plates left in the bedroom and no middle of night cooking. Both would take a turn to load the dishwasher one night a week. One emptied the bins, one changed the beds. Both did their own laundry.

Cooking I said to let me know if they wanted tea, if I was doing something nice I'd mention it and ask if they wanted in. They had free rein to cook but I asked them to let me know if they used last of something or check if it was meat or similar that I didn't need it. If they didn't ask I didn't cook for them.

They came in when they wanted, had friends round. Boyfriends were allowed to stop once we had met them a few times. No one night stands. They basically lived their own lives as they choose.

You need a meeting, you and your dh with your son. A discussion about how this year is going to look. Your expectations and his.
Decide what's a hard line for you - do you want board?, housework contributions?
If he refuses to cooperate he needs to find an alternative living arrangement.

Bloody hell.

No more coking for him.
No more doing his washing.
Insist of a financial contribution
I'd also be changing the WiFi password until he learns to behave.

Mine is having difficulty working out that if they are civil they recieve and if they're not they get fuck all.
This is even after explaining that treating people with manners and courtesy will help them go through life so much easier.
Yesterday they ended up walking for two miles because I wouldn't give them a lift. Had they asked nicely instead of demanding then it would have been no problem. Once I say NO then there is no shifting. Even though they asked a further seven times. Not one please!! So they left in a huff. Hopefully on the two mile walk they reflected on the request, but I doubt it.

Myhouseisnotahotel

In the nicest possible way, stressing and wishing will change nothing.
You are being ruled by an eighteen year old, who thinks he is in charge and you are an inconvenience. You have no guarantee that he will go to uni - he may decide that this is his ideal.
You get your husband on board, and you tell him that from this moment onwards things change. He has a very small window of opportunity to turn things around or he leaves. If his reply is 'shut up' or 'go away' it results in his bags packed and slung out.

Yes, that would be a hard thing to do, but your alternative is that this gets worse.

@Myhouseisnotahotel you need to set clear boundaries.

Board can be £400 a month. (Check online how much it is to rent a room in an HMO). This includes rent and bills. He does his own laundry. He cooks his own food or he let's you know by 2pm if he will be wanting to join the family meal that evening. No food in rooms.

Write the rules down.

This isn't a gap year - he's just being a lazy bum and you need to make sure you set clear boundaries otherwise he'll get too comfortable, not take the uni place ans sponge off you forever.

I wondered about his mental health too. Withdrawing, constant gaming, becoming nocturnal.

It is very hard when he is being so rude and disrespectful but my first priority would be to try to establish lines of communication.

Has he actually deferred a university place or has he just not applied - I suspect he will not be going to uni next year. As a pp said this isn't a gap year its just being lazy. If he has A level results he could still go or do a Foundation year. Or he gets a job or he lives with a mate. Stop cooking, washing etc...just stop everything.

Is there a chance he is depressed?

You need to put non negotiable boundaries in place. He pays to live in your house and treats you with respect. Sorts his own food and washing out, also keeps his room free of takeaway boxes etc which are unhygienic. Otherwise he gets out. Your house your rules. He treats you this way because you allow it.

We had the same problem. So we said that he needed to get a job and pay rent. We looked at the cost of a room in a shared house and said we would be fair and charge a lot less at 400 per month.

We stopped cooking and said he needed to buy and cook his own food as well as toiletries and do his own laundry.

He was very unhappy, as it was all a bit of a shock, but after a few weeks he's decided not to have a gap year, but to go to uni now instead.

Do not enable him op, the longer you do, the worse it will get. He needs to grow up and have some reality of being an adult.

Indeed. The FIRST time he spoke to me in a rude or disrespectful manner would be the time to tackle it. What a dreadful example his is giving to his younger brother.

You really only have yourselves to blame for this behaviour. As parents you should have set the ground rules for behaviour as he grew up and not deviated from them. There is no way any of my children would have behaved like this as they always knew what was expected of them as both myself and DH imposed the same standards.

Exactly potted. Dd talked back rudely to Dh on a family holiday she was pre school so pretty young. She never did that again. He was so calm but devastating “nobody talks to me like that”’etc. As a result in our family we are all polite to each other. Not perfect get the odd huff but like fuck would I be treated like this by anyone least of all my own flipping kid!

So put your foot down! You're enabling his awful behaviour & letting him take the piss. Time for a set of house rules & some tough love. No way would I let my teen treat me/the family/our house in that way. It's not doing him any favours whatsoever in the long run.

' He spends all day in bed and either games all night until the early hours or goes.out. He has a pair time job. '

that is not usually what a gap year is all about.

who is he going out with - friends that are also having a gap year or friends that will be leaving soon and going to University or friends that are not going to university ?

start treating him like an adult instead of a child.

1. he cooks his own meals
2. he buys hiw own food
3. he does his own washing
4. he cleans up after himself.
5. he contributes to keeping the rest of the house clean

If he doesn't want to do any of those things he leaves and lives on his own.

this message comes to mind.