18 year old is pushing me to the limit with rudeness

[Myhouseisnotahotel]

I have name changed. My ds1 is 18 and was offered a university place. He has decided to defer his place and take a year out. He spends all day in bed and either games all night until the early hours or goes.out. He has a pair time job. I work different hours so I might be at home during the week and work weekends. Some days I work at home aswell. This week I'm off work. My.husband works nights. When we cook dinner for the family he doesn't come down for it until he decides he will. Yesterday he didn' have any of his dinner dh chucked it in the bin untouched. Today we decided as im off and dh was.stsrting at.430 we'd have.dinner at lunchtime. I called him down for dinner to be ignored over.and over. So I put.it in the fridge. Mr and ds2 went school shoes shopping this afternoon. At 9pm I found ds1 in the kitchen cooking loads of.pasta..I.said what about the dinner in the fridge no he said I don't want that you have it. But it was.nice.i said. Well you said yesterday's dinner was nice but it was disgusting so your opinion doesn't count. Today's dinner got binned aswell. I wouldn't mind but when I don't cook for him he says where's.my dinner why haven't you cooked.for me but obviously that's why!

This is how he has lived.since he's left school apart from doing a couple of shifts a week. He's so rude. His bedroom is strewn with takeaway packages. Even when we went away on holiday he drank all night and slept past lunch every day He came on holidaywith no.money and constantly asking us for money. Atleast if he was going away to university it'll be over soon but now he's not going to do that now.he says. I just feel so stressed thinking that he's going to live like this with no end. Am.i being unreasonable to want things to change?

You need to set ground rules and stick to them. If he won't listen then write it down or text him.

He needs to pay his own way (and probably work more to do that)
Have meals with you or buy his own food and make his own
Do his own washing and tidying
Treat you with respect.

If he wants to be treated like an adult he needs to act like one.

Nothing I can say to help my son has lived on and off with us since being an adult he’s 30now and back with us as rent here is higher than his ft wage. It’s very difficult.

Here the rules haven’t ever changed either be respectful, do your own washing, clean your area and up after yourself and cook meals for others sometimes….standard decent behaviour but it has been ignored many times.

But board here has always been a quarter of income. Never altered as I thought that’s the fairest, and no I’ve not always been given that figure either. I know others where it’s a third on the premise of a third for bills, third for saving third for spending as people used to live. But that was before the col.

Blackpool** I LOVE that poster. It's so true 😂

OP only you know your ds best to know which tactic will work.

But some will respond to carrot and some stick.

So either he needs incentives to do something and help to see why he needs to do x y and z.

Some kids need to be told straight that you won't put up with this shit and its shape up or ship out.

But no, he doesn't get to live life how he is. I'd give him a chance to sort it out but tell him as off September when DS2 goes back to school X y and z are the rules. Get dh to talk to him and lay down the law.

And either charge him for food and he gets what he wants to cook his own or you cook and the rest is locked away so he doesn't waste it.

Change the wifi password. He can have it back when he is regularly paying rent, cooking meals, being responsible for cleaning his own and communal areas, doing his own laundry.

He sounds really unhappy, and is lashing out by making everyone else in his family unhappy too.
I feel for you OP and I also wonder what is going on in his head to make him behave this way. One of mine has definitely had his moments (for phases of weeks on end sometimes) and it’s always related to something internal going on, some fear or anxiety and me being mum, I’m a safe person to take it out on.
Obviously that’s not ok and I have boundaries and things I will not tolerate, but the impact of enforcing those and feeling like I live in a state of war all the time fucked with both my mental and physical health.
Dont fling around ultimatums that you will sling him out, but do stop cooking him meals and explain you will need him to increase work hours and contribute to food costs. Try to stay calm, try to keep communication channels open and find some time (if possible) to spend some time alone with him. Act like you like him (this is hard when you feel really angry and hurt) and praise ANYTHING he does right.
It’s so easy to huff and puff and say “ no child of mine” but sometimes teens can spiral into misery and they do actually need help. I got counselling for mine which he refused initially because I realised the problem was serious. Good luck x

So who is he expecting to PAY for his university when he goes next year? Will he only get minimum loan? As you can trun round and say you won't be supporting him if his intentions are to be mean to you and lazy around on his arss for a year not doing anything.

Tell him to pull his fingers out get a full time job and stop doing any of his chores for him. He can cook, clean and do his own laundry or move out.

Sounds like he needed to learn some life lessons at university!
I would put the following in place

• rent (reasonable amount, not token) this may encourage more work hours
• separate fridge/food space where he can store his stuff which he now buys
• whilst he can be welcome to eat with you he needs to tell you in advance whether that’s the case
• allocated chores (beyond just cleaning his own room and clothes)

His offer changed to unconditional last Thursday morning at 8am. So he has a place. He showed me. But then insisting on emailing to request to defer. I keep asking have they replied yet and he just says I haven't checked or I haven't looked yet

Is part of the problem the gaming?
It can make my DS really irritable, like everything else other than gaming is unimportant.
I've had to set some really firm boundaries on it

He will get more than the minimum loan but not maximum as we are not on great wages. He would be the first in our family to go to university

Can you have a family meeting and agree ground rules re him living at home. So washing/cooking/board.
Have you checked student loan for next year? With you both working you may be looking at £5500 expected top up a year to bring him to max loan. Can you pay or does he need to work to pay it? I’ll be honest that I’d have zero inclination to give someone so rude that kind of money.
Mine’s 18 and we operate on a system of expecting her to make effort too.

Oh dear.

Your son is 18
He is now an adult. You need to think about the kind of man he will become
Treating him like a child is not going to help him. He is taking a year out so he can be a slob. If he was my son I would not be cooking him ANYTHING. Neither would I pay for anything either. The only money he gets should be from working End of. Do not give him money and he will have to get a job. Time to stop babying.

You can't force him to spend time with you, chat with you, or be pleasant company. But if he's part of the household, he has to expect some kind of communication with the other members. If you're telling him to get the pest-attracting rubbish out of his room or asking him if you should include him in dinner, "shut up and go away" isn't a reasonable response. If he moved out, he wouldn't be able to speak with his housemates or landlord or the housing people at uni that way either. And if he's expecting any contribution or support for attending uni, including a place to live, he needs to keep you up to date on his plans. A lot of this is basic common sense.

I'd use the date he would have been going to uni to draw a kind of line and make it clear how things will be going forward - he's had a nice lazy summer but now it's back to normal life. This is his chance to speak up if there's something wrong and he needs help or he has reasonable objections to the rules you're setting and you can discuss it. If possible, do this together with your husband so it's clear that you're both in agreement and will both be enforcing the rules.

Does he actually want to go to university ?

or is he going as that was expected / dreamt of - by family...
esp if he is the first in the family

My ds was a total shit bag at 18. I laid down the ground rules and stuck to them. It was a hard hard year but it worked. He is now starting last year of uni and is a decent human being ( most of the time)

No disrespect shown towards me or no lifts/money/company etc. Cheek/nastiness isn’t accepted- same as I would expect from adult friends.
I ordered him in hello fresh meals and he learnt to cook. Now he regularly cooks- we take it in turns. Teaching him to tidy up after cooking has been a fought battle but we are getting there.
He is left alone to do what he wants, when he wants as long as he doesn’t disturb anyone sleeping and gets his uni work done.
I do the laundry cause I am saving on electric etc but he is expected to help hang it out/bring it in if I ask him to help me. I have shown him how to use machines so if I’m sick he steps up.
He can keep him room as messy as he likes as long as no plates/old food etc in there. If he wants to sleep on smelly sheets that’s up to him but I do expect a certain standard of personal hygiene and his clothes into wash basket.
He comes and goes as he likes but rule is that he lets me know he is safe and roughly where he is/when he will be back etc ( no different than I would expect from a flat mate.
He pays into house enough to cover all the basics, if we have money left over I treat us, if he wants extra he uses his spare money.

Basically I have taught him/expected him to act like a decent flatmate/house share would so he could cope if he ever moves out.
He has asd, adhd and medical issues so if he can do it then so can others. It is a hard battle but worth it to teach them to be decent humans not adult toddlers.

Firstly, I would ignore any advice that refers to his mental health.

Advice like that is what has led to a lot of shitty behaviour from everyone from 3 to 93. Wondering why someone is treating you like shit instead of doing less wondering and nipping it in the bud. Granted, nipping it in the bud is a bit tricky when he is 18 and you should have addressed this some time ago,

However, You can try.

Do not buy in any food at all for him-get a lock for the fridge. He is earning, he won't starve. Let him buy his own.

Take his bedroom door off its hinges and put it in the garage. If you think he is capable of putting it back, saw it in half. Make as much noise in front of the gap where the door was as you please.

Remove the plugs from every electrical device in his room-you are paying for the electricity.

Do not wash as much as one smelly sock.

Ignore him-don't speak a word when he comes wailing unless it is to tell him to fuck off.

Try this approach. It may not work but it has a better chance of success than pandering to him. You're in charge. He has treated you like shit. Return the favour with the added power that it is your house and he is only in for as long as you say he can be.

Or you can wring your hands, wonder how you can stop him behaving in this way, address his mental health and make life misery for yourself and the rest of his family.

If you choose this approach get thee to to a local tattooist and have Walk Here stamped on your and your husband's foreheads.

I told mine that i would willingly support him in uni or an apprenticeship but if he wanted to do something else, he would need to pay rent and contribute to the household. He went to uni.

It’s natural to hate your parents at this age (evolutionarily, hormonally). What’s unnatural is having to be around them. He needs to move out, by hook or by crook.

Stop cooking for him, if he asks why at any point tell him you’re fed up of throwing his food away. If he wants a meal he needs to come and ask you before you start cooking but if he cba to ask he doesn’t get one he sorts himself out. Whilst he’s laying around in bed all the time (apart from his part time work) I would tell him he needs to start contributing 25% of his wage to the household and start keeping his room tidy

Time to stop trying and start demanding!

If he wants to stay he

a)pays rent (make it hurt op).

b) He behaves in a civil manner.

c) Stop cooking for him and stop inviting him to join you at table. Ditto cleaning etc.

d) He sets up his own wifi a/c

The router would coming out with me. Every day! And he would be moving out. Who is paying for University and what happens if he decides not to go? Also no gf I presume.

Yeah…. Really don’t saw his door in half and only speak to him to tell
him to fuck off as a pp suggested. I mean, you can but it won’t yield any kind of result that is positive for you!
Mental health isn’t an excuse but it’s often a reason. You can deal with behaviour caused by it far more effectively if you know where it comes from, and dealing with it effectively is a win- win for everyone.
Dealing with bad behaviour in a more considered way doesn’t mean being a doormat. It still involves boundaries and rules, but not petty vindictive retaliation…

I dont know if it's just the meal issue or if there are lots of other examples but I have sort of been through the meal thing too (not the rudeness but not wanting to eat what and when we ate)

I dont take him into account for meals now.

He cooks for himself. He just has to check before using ingredients that are clearly for me. He can add stuff to a shopping list or go buy his own stuff. It wasn't a punishment, just a recognition we like different foods and eat at different times. He also does his own washing and will chip in with cleaning the house.

I also wouldn't be worried about the hours he keeps as long as they don't disturb you or stop him working. if he had gone to university, you wouldnt even know what he was doing.

It's very difficult, but basically we aren't a family of an adult and a child now. We are two adults sharing a space. My son has to be respectful, but I have to treat him like an adult too. He has a car, pays tax etc.

It's early days, if he has only just got A level results and deferred, you have plenty if time to say 'summers over now mate, time to step up'

That's a lot of pressure...

Applied to go, then insisted on deferring.

Behaviour has changed.

Attitude has changed.

It sounds like he's scared of going. Of the pressure of being the first. Of the changes. Of growing up.

And he's avoiding, and lashing out.

Pretty standard for some young adults. Behaviour is communication, so what is it he's not verbalising?

Talk to him, but not when he's sleeping.

I can't do that as I don't leave the house every day I often work from home and need the wifi. Also I work different hours and I'm actually off work this week and odd days next week and next until the start if term and he has a brother who is very well behaved. Usually!