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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

18 year old is pushing me to the limit with rudeness

132 replies

Myhouseisnotahotel · 19/08/2024 23:38

I have name changed. My ds1 is 18 and was offered a university place. He has decided to defer his place and take a year out. He spends all day in bed and either games all night until the early hours or goes.out. He has a pair time job. I work different hours so I might be at home during the week and work weekends. Some days I work at home aswell. This week I'm off work. My.husband works nights. When we cook dinner for the family he doesn't come down for it until he decides he will. Yesterday he didn' have any of his dinner dh chucked it in the bin untouched. Today we decided as im off and dh was.stsrting at.430 we'd have.dinner at lunchtime. I called him down for dinner to be ignored over.and over. So I put.it in the fridge. Mr and ds2 went school shoes shopping this afternoon. At 9pm I found ds1 in the kitchen cooking loads of.pasta..I.said what about the dinner in the fridge no he said I don't want that you have it. But it was.nice.i said. Well you said yesterday's dinner was nice but it was disgusting so your opinion doesn't count. Today's dinner got binned aswell. I wouldn't mind but when I don't cook for him he says where's.my dinner why haven't you cooked.for me but obviously that's why!

This is how he has lived.since he's left school apart from doing a couple of shifts a week. He's so rude. His bedroom is strewn with takeaway packages. Even when we went away on holiday he drank all night and slept past lunch every day He came on holidaywith no.money and constantly asking us for money. Atleast if he was going away to university it'll be over soon but now he's not going to do that now.he says. I just feel so stressed thinking that he's going to live like this with no end. Am.i being unreasonable to want things to change?

OP posts:
Myhouseisnotahotel · 20/08/2024 13:17

And yes no girlfriend. Combination of loans, us helping out when we can regarding whose paying for university. We aren't on good wages though

OP posts:
MatildaTheCat · 20/08/2024 13:26

Is this completely different behaviour from before? He sounds adrift.

My DS 2 was similar. He gave us/ me a VERY rocky ride for a few years. It’s imperative to keep some dialogue open. Some of the suggestions on here clearly come from people who have no idea what this is like.

Can you get a conversation going and ask him with real interest what he is hoping for his gap year? Travel? If so where and how? Maybe he’d accept help with planning and making it happen.

He may have deferred out of panic because he is either scared of going to university or doesn’t even want to. Getting to a point of uncovering this is a several conversation process

My DS did get better eventually and we got on far better when he didn’t live with us. We had to help fund that. I’m now very close to him and he is kind and empathetic but still prone to being messy and disorganised.

Getting some open communication is the key to moving forward.

DadJoke · 20/08/2024 13:29

I was in a similar position. My DS through lots of hassle applied for Uni. After he applied I said he needed to make a plan for September if he wasn’t going to uni - a job, apprenticeship - anything but staying at home doing nothing. I he told me eventually he was terrified of leaving home. We took him to uni despite some last
minute wobbles.

The important thing is that the status quo is unacceptable. He can go to uni, leave the house and go on a gap year or, if you are feeling generous, stay and work, paying rent and being a good housemate. If he won’t pick an option, it’s uni.

You have control of the one thing he truly values - internet access. You probably pay his phone contract. Use this as leverage for good behaviour.

Starlight1979 · 20/08/2024 13:44

Calliopespa · 20/08/2024 08:01

Is there a chance he is depressed?

No. He's a rude, entitled, spoiled little shit.

Sick to death of all the excuses for bad behaviour these days.

Starlight1979 · 20/08/2024 13:45

linelgreen · 20/08/2024 08:57

You really only have yourselves to blame for this behaviour. As parents you should have set the ground rules for behaviour as he grew up and not deviated from them. There is no way any of my children would have behaved like this as they always knew what was expected of them as both myself and DH imposed the same standards.

This.

@Myhouseisnotahotel - what do you even say to him when he speaks to you like this? Because I Know for a fact if my DSD so much as once spoke like this to either her mum, me or my DP, there would be hell to pay. And it would never happen again.

Starlight1979 · 20/08/2024 13:46

Pedallleur · 20/08/2024 13:02

The router would coming out with me. Every day! And he would be moving out. Who is paying for University and what happens if he decides not to go? Also no gf I presume.

Why do people always suggest turning off the WiFi router??? They just use their phone data!

Myhouseisnotahotel · 20/08/2024 13:48

Yes starlight that's exactly what he does

OP posts:
NerrSnerr · 20/08/2024 14:06

Myhouseisnotahotel · 20/08/2024 13:48

Yes starlight that's exactly what he does

Who pays for his phone though?

TheCompactPussycat · 20/08/2024 14:19

@Myhouseisnotahotel Look up "Soiling the nest". It's a well-documented phenomenon often displayed by teens about to head off to uni.

Stay calm and try to engage him in conversation about his plans for this coming year. What does he want to do? Earn money for uni? Earn money to go travelling later in the year? Give up on uni and find a full-time job? I would also try some subtle mind-games - "you don't have to go to university this year if you don't think your ready to be quite that independent", "it's quite a big-step so if you don't feel ready, that's understandable", "we can spend this year helping you get a bit more independent before uni, so charging a bit of rent, letting you make your own meals and do your own washing, etc.". He might suddenly find that accepting that unconditional place is better than feeling babied at home!

Calliopespa · 20/08/2024 14:20

Starlight1979 · 20/08/2024 13:44

No. He's a rude, entitled, spoiled little shit.

Sick to death of all the excuses for bad behaviour these days.

It’s not really a feature of spoiled behaviour to withdraw from life though. He does sound unusually withdrawn - including the banking out of university. Most spoiled individuals can’t wait for that hedonism IME.

Myhouseisnotahotel · 20/08/2024 14:50

NerrSnerr · 20/08/2024 14:06

Who pays for his phone though?

We do

OP posts:
Spybot · 20/08/2024 15:37

My son just left for Uni. If he had taken a gap year it would have been similar, probably minus the rudeness. A lot of the behavior is very typical. Agree with stopping making him meals. He needs to do more than a few shift or work a week though. He should be doing at least 30 hours a week so he stays out of your hair, is not mucking up the house and is making more money. Can you ask you husband to have a word with him next time one he's back?

I8toys · 20/08/2024 15:46

Sorry but I wouldn't put up with that behaviour. I have 18 and 20 year old DS's. . Two both at uni now with DS2 keen to go and be independent.

Is it out of the blue or has he always been like that? Is he worried about the future? If its a change in behaviour then I would try and get to the bottom why.

Flossyts · 20/08/2024 15:50

Myhouseisnotahotel · 20/08/2024 14:50

We do

Should you be?

oakleaffy · 20/08/2024 15:55

Myhouseisnotahotel · 20/08/2024 00:17

Whe I try to talk to him usually when he's in bed as like today he didn't get up until gone 3pm, he is so rude. Today he just kept saying shutup and go away

As this is MN someone will soon be along to excuse this behaviour with “ Is he neurodiverse?”

That’s the go to answer on here.

There is zero excuse for his appalling disrespectful behaviours.

He should be travelling on a year out, that’s what a year out is for.

Don’t cook for him!

Flyhigher · 20/08/2024 15:58

He's depressed.
Doesn't make it any easier to deal with. If he's depressed.
Tough love. I think although that's hard.
He doesn't have a girlfriend presumably?
Turn off WiFi and stop paying for his phone.

mathanxiety · 20/08/2024 18:35

Myhouseisnotahotel · 20/08/2024 00:17

Whe I try to talk to him usually when he's in bed as like today he didn't get up until gone 3pm, he is so rude. Today he just kept saying shutup and go away

Get your husband to dad up.

The two of you need to sit down together and decide what you want, then make it plain to this lad that his behaviour won't be tolerated.

Decide on consequences for refusing to a certain the house rules. Follow through.

MumChp · 21/08/2024 00:41

Myhouseisnotahotel · 20/08/2024 14:50

We do

He is 18 yo. On a gap year. He can work and pay his own bills. Why shoukd you?

TheaBrandt · 21/08/2024 07:24

We are not charging Dd living costs for her gap year as she’s working full time then will use the money to go travelling. But happy to do so as she is delightful made tea last night and is doing my supermarket shop today. If she was behaving like this lad I would not be being so generous that’s for sure.

Starseeking · 21/08/2024 07:26

Stop cooking for him and stop giving him money.

Chocolateorange22 · 21/08/2024 07:30

'shut up and go away'

'ok sound you want your own space, you are now an adult. You've got 30 days until we serve notice on you to move out. If you aren't happy about this then 8pm come and have a chat with dad and I in the living room like an adult would. If you don't attend then we'll assume you will be moving out'.

Don't pander to him

greengreyblue · 21/08/2024 07:31

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=dLuEY6jN6gY
Show him this and tell him he’s 5 years too late for that behaviour. Gap years mean full time work or full time travel.

- YouTube

Enjoy the videos and music that you love, upload original content and share it all with friends, family and the world on YouTube.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=dLuEY6jN6gY

SabbatWheel · 21/08/2024 07:33

Myhouseisnotahotel · 20/08/2024 01:00

How much board is a reasonable amount? Me and dh are finding this an unexpected minefield

We charged DD 20% of anything she brought in, including UC for the time she wasn't working, over 7 years.

We kept it aside in an account and by the time she was in a position to buy a flat age 26 it contributed £6k towards her deposit.

greengreyblue · 21/08/2024 07:40

DD had a gap year. She worked full time and we didn’t charge board on the proviso that she saved for uni In the end she didn’t go so bought a car . She now works and pays us 10%. This will increase as her pay does.

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 21/08/2024 07:45

All I hear is excuse OP. What exactly is it you want from him?

You change the router password and only give the password to those who need it, your ds does not need it to game.

He cooks his own meals, you’re not waisting your time, effort and money on the whim he may eat what you’ve made.

You give him an ultimatum, he takes a gap year he does something F/T he does not get a gap year to be lazy and a spoilt, rude entitled brat.

He tidys his room… if not the whole lot goes in the bin!

You allowing him to walk all over you, if he doesn’t like it and refuses to respect you, he knows where the door is!!

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