9yr old to do basic cleaning

[Legs1102]

So, is this unreasonable, I'll set the scene best I can ....

My daughter 15, lived with me pretty much full time all her life, my partner's son 9, lives with us a bit under half the time, for about 5.5 years we've all lived together.

The kids have their own bathroom since November (prior to that we only had 1 bathroom and I did all the cleaning in there). My daughter keeps it clean and tidy most of the time.
Twice a month I get stepson to clean the loo and the sink area ( for context - not IN the loo, just the top porcelain and the seat where he splashed).

As I've said my daughter keeps it relatively clean and tidy anyway and about once a month I deep clean it.

We are teaching him to clean up any mess he makes, so when he uses loo (seat up) if he sprinkles, he wipes it. Sometimes he gets a bit on the back of the seat part. So, the aim of getting him to do a better clean a couple of times a month is to make him aware so hopefully he'll catch it when he does it.

He also manages to get toothpaste spit all over the sink and tap and doesn't always swill it off.

At NO POINT, does he get told off for either of these things, it's life ....we all make a mess. We're trying to get him to be responsible - especially as it's the bathroom he shares with another child.

Now, there are issues with his other parent, she doesn't make him brush his teeth properly (he's had a filling already had a filling and dentist says he needs to brush better) , she also doesn't instill any kind of hygiene, he doesn't wipe his bum properly and has poopy pants almost every time we get him, he doesn't have to wash his hands after the loo there.

Anyway - on Sunday he hadn't done his chores on time (wiped the loo and sink) in time and ended up getting back to hers about 5 minutes late.
She texts us lolling and omg'ing that those are his chores. That we are ridiculous etc etc for MAKING him do that.

I put this on another forum and they genuinely tried to make out I was a 'disgusting Cinderella stepmum for making him clean toilets when he visits' ...he doesn't 'visit' - it's shared custody - he doesn't 'clean toilets ' he wipes the one that he wees on! They said a 9yr old shouldn't be doing that. He's too little. I'm humiliating him and causing him trauma

He gets pocket money for that chore, probably well above the going rate seeing as it's only twice a month!

My 15yr old has known how to clean and how to tidy since before 9 .... Don't get me wrong, typical teenage bedroom looks like a bomb site often, not saying she's perfect AT ALL... but when she tidies and cleans, she knows how to, and she keeps the bathroom very decent.

So, the question is - is it unreasonable to expect a 9yr old boy to wipe the toilet and the sink twice a month, in the bathroom he shares with his 15yr old sister?

If you think it's unreasonable, why? At what age do you think it's appropriate for them to become a respectful member of the family home, leaving the bathroom in a decent manner?

Our children 5 7 and 8 all help with cleaning - from hovering, tidying away toys, loading dishwasher, even touching the toilet brush!

It's a completely normal part of teaching children to take responsibility and look after the place they live in. It's often done spontaneously now and makes life so much easier that they can recognise mess and put it right.

Like yourself we've never made it a punishment/shouted etc, just - can anyone help with/and lots of guidance as required.

It's bizarre she's making fun of this and wanting to effectively have a baby child that can't wipe his own bum/brush teeth without guidance, let alone clean up a mess he made. Just creating problems for the future. My 5 year old can manage these tasks fine I'd be horrified if at 9 they needed prompting/that they were so delayed (special needs aside of course!).

Yanbu

I focus on them cleaning their own mess too - it’s less likely to lead to complaints and it’s good practice for them to be mindful at other people’s houses too.

All kids should be expected to contribute to the household. Age-appropriate chores (like your stepson’s) are (or should be) totally normal expectations in a family.

Don’t give her complaint the time of day, OP. Better he learns how to clean and contribute to the household than the opposite.

I was at university with a lovely girl whose parents had never made her do any chores as she was “just a child” who had to “enjoy her childhood and focus on school”. She turned up to her university houseshare (so nothing fancy or crazy standards) and drove us all mad with her lack of cleaning and overall hygiene. Someone had always done it for her, so she didn’t see the point of clearing things up or help maintain kitchen and bathroom clean, until it bothered her. Which was a lot later than it bothered the rest of us…

You’re teaching him a healthy routine of cleaning in the family home. Keep doing what you’re doing.

Well, this was one of the reasons I got a bit more 'aware' of the problem - it was all well and good us asking him to go back and wipe it, some time later when we spotted it...but that meant he wasn't doing it at the time. We went to a family event and he peed all over the loo, someone else found it.
My intention is simply for him to be responsible and decent with shared spaces.

This is exactly where he'd be if we didn't do this stuff with him. My partner, understandably, wants to spend all the time doing fun stuff! My partner assumed his son was doing all sorts with his mum (like he'd seen me doing with my daughter years ago) so he relied on that assumption ( (silly I know) to allow himself to only spend the fun time!

I think it came as a shock to him when he realised his then 8 year old didn't even know how to use a sponge...he did not know they needed to be squeezed 🤔he also had never made a sandwich with his mum. so he's been much more supportive of just a little bit of chores time and helping out with the absolute basics.... Like making a sandwich and stirring the pan!

It's really is mad this is something other parents in that circle are questioning. What's it's going to be in another 10 years of further infantilising our children, "is it time to potty train my 8 year old?", Should I encourage my 10 year old to use a knife and fork, he just loves using his fingers...", "my 15 year old finds it too much effort to read and write so I do this for him at home, I find it hard to keep up with his ever increasing work load can anyone recommend a tutor?!?".

Such a stark change from such pampering in some homes to the absolute brutality of the real world they're thrust into as older teenagers.

of course he needs to clean his own wee off the seat. That's not a chore and not anything he should get paid for.

You are doing the right thing. My DCs are taught to help. My one "rule" is we all help in the house, if you make a mess help tidy it, and if something needs doing then you help to that or at least offer. It needs to become a chore so it becomes routine and habitual. Otherwise, you end up with adult SC who don't lift a finger, and expect everything to be done for them, that would rather starve than make a sandwich, and are very entitled. But that's another story... :)

I didn't have the most loving upbringing, it was quite cold, not much support - yet to the outsider world we were spoilt (materialistic) rotten.
We did chores, cleaned the kitchen or bathroom alternative weeks between me and my sister. From way before 9.
We also had horses, we fed them before school, cleaned and exercises them after.
My upbringing wasn't exactly 'usual' in that sense so the only normal situation I have to go on is my own 15yr old.
She was cooking on the hob at 7 by choice ( come on mummy key me do it this time) washing up, looking after her pets etc etc and non of my friends batted an eyelid, their kids were doing similar.
So I was utterly confused at having the accusations thrown at me that this was an awful thing to expect.
It was a group on FB , which I've now left because apparently I shouldn't get him to do ANY chores when he VISITS.... Was like they assumed he just visits for a blimin day out 🤣 He lives here! Not full time obviously, cos it's shared custody - but they genuinely thought getting him to do it when she doesn't, is causing trauma.

My 4yo wipes his wee is he drips any. He picks up food he drops, clears his plate after dinner. Helps to hang up wet and put away clean laundry all very willingly. He loves helping with chores.

At 9 I'd definitely be expecting him to clear his own wee up! And I would be actively disciplining him if he left it. It should absolutely be automatic at 9! Your poor daughter having to share with him. I hope she's not cleaning up after him!

I'd be sending lol messages back to her at what a dirty standards she has. LOL SDS had poo on him when he got here. OmG is his mother too lazy to teach him basic hygiene. Etc.
What a dirty bugger.

My middle children 8 & 12 have their own toilet and they know NOT to wee on the seat but they still do 🤦🏻‍♀️. I wipe it up when I go into their bathroom. I don't even bother to mention toothpaste in the sink. I'm their mum and kids are messy animals. Sod chores. They will have a lifetime of them when older.

I'd have said he should be doing it every week if he stays every week, especially since he's a mucky wee pup!

Hmmm this is a thing I disagree with my partner on! My daughter does chores in exchange for her pocket money ( she fills the recycling bin and takes it weekly, helps with the kitchen) ..... But his paid chore is cleaning something he made a mess of. She doesn't get anything for doing her laundry or keeping the bathroom clean. It's just expected at her age. He doesn't do his laundry, noisy he does is me asking him to bring it down.

But I pick my battles, I don't think he should get the pocket money for that either....but hey ho, the bathroom is clean, so I'll just be happy about that!!!

I should add, he isn't paid for the 'every wee' time, he's expected to wipe the loo every time. His pocket money is only added for fortnight 'more of a clean plus the sink' ....still, not a lot in the grand scheme of things!

I think cleaning his wee and toothpaste where he's splashed yes absolutely. I dont think I'd label this a chore or pay him for it though! And at 9 I wouldnt give set chores like that, as in cleaning the actual bathroom or anything. I feel it's a bit young.

I'm guessing your 12 year old leaves wee on the seat at school and at friends houses too?

Do you not think that a bit unacceptable to leave it? You might be ok cleaning their wee.... But why should the next kid have to do it before they can use the loo? You're just teaching your kid that someone else is responsible for their mess?

Honestly I think your tone is a little off when you describe him. He's nine. He's going to have skiddies. He going to splash the loo. You make it sound all very distasteful as opposed to normal kids stuff.

At nine I helped my mum with some chores like making the bed, basic cooking stuff like veg peeling, pegging out washing maybe. But I wasn't expected to clean toilets or other housework.

Maybe his dad should help him with some basic hygiene tips.

YANBU

I had to clean the whole house top to bottom every Sunday, from age 8.

Do all 3 bedrooms, hoover, dust, polish everywhere in the house, Clean the bathroom and the kitchen. My mother also made me clean all the cutlery, wash down all cupboards, take all the tins out of them, and wash the tins, and clean inside all the curtains. I also had to take the rings off the cooker, clean them, the cooker and the oven.

Sunday was also washday, so I had to hang it all out and take it back in. God help me if it started raining and didn't get to it in time!.

My reward for doing all this was to watch my family eat my favourite meal, either steak pie or beef stew. I wasn't allowed to stop or eat until I'd finished all my chores. When I did eat, I was only allowed to make myself a poached egg on toast, or fry a very cheap burger and have it with a bag of cheap crisps.

I went very easy on my own DC, I was terrified of turning into my mother, and I didn't ask much of them. They're adults now, and keep their homes spotless!

Ds has been cleaning the bathroom since he was 9! Bathroom, sink, loo and window ledge. I showed him twice and now he does it once a week. It's not perfect but he does a decent job (he's 10 now). He also unloads the dishwasher, hoovers round, keeps his room clean, puts his laundry away. He does get spending money for it, or Roblox anyway.

It's surprising how much Roblox motivates him. And very useful to have a motivation to get things done.

Yup, he doesn't clean anything else in there, like obviously my daughter changes towels, cleans the bath and shower screen.
He only cleans the sink and the top/seat of the loo. And it's twice a month. She cleans lightly maybe every third day and tidies it after every use. I do a proper clean of absolutely everything once a month.
So yeah, it's not ever getting 'dirty' .... He's just wiping the underneath of the seat where he's missed wee and doing the sink he left toothpaste on ONLY that morning, cos she obviously cleans it after him at night cos she has to use the sink.
We're talking like 10 minutes MAX, that includes him fetching the stuff!

I think he did help my partner do the whole thing one time but he mostly watched as can't reach a lot of it

Sorry, inside the cupboards, not curtains!

@BebbanburgIsMine That's child abuse. I'm sorry you endured that.

Of Course it’s reasonable - I have step kids and they do.

Ignore.

Although personally I wouldn’t turn an allowance into payment. I’d say he does chores as part of family life. He gets an allowance because luckily you can afford it, and you want him to have a manage his own money.

she doesn’t, she’s just pointing out he contributes to the mess.

Not wiping your bottom properly at 9 so you always have poo marks isn’t typical. Splashing is probably, but the OP isn’t suggesting it isn’t.

Blimey, that was a lot for a kid! Very harsh!

I too feel like my daughter had it easy compared to me. She helped me a LOT but it was because she wanted to, she rarely was given anything specifically as a chore. But because of his mother, he has never been involved, he never offers or asks, so it has to be a 'chore' in that sense to get him to do anything that isn't only for god's own benefit - she's raised him to be not even aware of what's going on. Like he says him and his brothers just get up after dinner and go back to playing. They don't even clear their plates. They don't put laundry away or put stuff in the laundry basket. She didn't teach him use laces or hold a knife and fork.

Imagine every single basic thing you taught your kids - but you can only teach it 50% of the time, so you get 3 days to teach it, but then for 3 days they forget... You get them back in 3 days and it's square 1.
He has been VERY difficult to teach anything and we have to have the patience of a saint, cos it 100% isn't his fault!

I don't even pester either of them about their bedrooms.

It's their space, they can decide on that! Although I do have to prompt him to get food bedsheets... Cos he would never in a million years think about that...whereas my 15 yr now does (she wouldn't have cared at 9 either!)

She's quick enough these days to tidy it when she's lost something important or a friend is coming over!

Shared spaces though - they both have to do their bit!

Skid marks at 9 is NOT normal kids stuff. It's neglected lazy parented stuff.

And the poster whose 12!!! year old leaves piss on toilets yuck! Do they do that a friend's houses? I would absolutely be banning a 12yo who pisses all over my bathroom. Such disgusting standards to be setting them.