9yr old to do basic cleaning

[Legs1102]

So, is this unreasonable, I'll set the scene best I can ....

My daughter 15, lived with me pretty much full time all her life, my partner's son 9, lives with us a bit under half the time, for about 5.5 years we've all lived together.

The kids have their own bathroom since November (prior to that we only had 1 bathroom and I did all the cleaning in there). My daughter keeps it clean and tidy most of the time.
Twice a month I get stepson to clean the loo and the sink area ( for context - not IN the loo, just the top porcelain and the seat where he splashed).

As I've said my daughter keeps it relatively clean and tidy anyway and about once a month I deep clean it.

We are teaching him to clean up any mess he makes, so when he uses loo (seat up) if he sprinkles, he wipes it. Sometimes he gets a bit on the back of the seat part. So, the aim of getting him to do a better clean a couple of times a month is to make him aware so hopefully he'll catch it when he does it.

He also manages to get toothpaste spit all over the sink and tap and doesn't always swill it off.

At NO POINT, does he get told off for either of these things, it's life ....we all make a mess. We're trying to get him to be responsible - especially as it's the bathroom he shares with another child.

Now, there are issues with his other parent, she doesn't make him brush his teeth properly (he's had a filling already had a filling and dentist says he needs to brush better) , she also doesn't instill any kind of hygiene, he doesn't wipe his bum properly and has poopy pants almost every time we get him, he doesn't have to wash his hands after the loo there.

Anyway - on Sunday he hadn't done his chores on time (wiped the loo and sink) in time and ended up getting back to hers about 5 minutes late.
She texts us lolling and omg'ing that those are his chores. That we are ridiculous etc etc for MAKING him do that.

I put this on another forum and they genuinely tried to make out I was a 'disgusting Cinderella stepmum for making him clean toilets when he visits' ...he doesn't 'visit' - it's shared custody - he doesn't 'clean toilets ' he wipes the one that he wees on! They said a 9yr old shouldn't be doing that. He's too little. I'm humiliating him and causing him trauma

He gets pocket money for that chore, probably well above the going rate seeing as it's only twice a month!

My 15yr old has known how to clean and how to tidy since before 9 .... Don't get me wrong, typical teenage bedroom looks like a bomb site often, not saying she's perfect AT ALL... but when she tidies and cleans, she knows how to, and she keeps the bathroom very decent.

So, the question is - is it unreasonable to expect a 9yr old boy to wipe the toilet and the sink twice a month, in the bathroom he shares with his 15yr old sister?

If you think it's unreasonable, why? At what age do you think it's appropriate for them to become a respectful member of the family home, leaving the bathroom in a decent manner?

DS does the same here - I want him to grow into a decent chap who clears up after himself without having to be asked and who generally pulls his weight with all household stuff. Not a lazy bustard who expects other people to do it.

Totally reasonable for him to clean up mess he has made anywhere. Sounds like a sensible rule and part and parcel of learning how to be a considerate housemate/guest/colleague/boyfriend when he's older.

Ignore his mother. Her hygiene standards speak for themselves and if she's happy cleaning up his wee until he leaves home then she can knock herself out.

She does, a lot, I hadn't realised to be honest. Til she was away on holiday with her dad and their bathroom was pretty grim. I said to him, you know she hasn't been here for two weeks, so all this ( pointed out the mess and grub) is yours. I wasn't telling him off, I was explaining that it's only him that's caused it, cos I think he is oblivious!

She hadn't told me, I think she's just doing older sister stuff ya know!

Yes, he is going to splash, that's physics.... You'll see her isn't told off for that. He just has wipe it off.
His dad IS helping him, why would you assume he isn't? It certainly isn't me going in there helping him wipe his butt and aim himself better.

Fyi, having poo in your pants is not normal at 9. It's lack of parenting that has allowed that. This isn't the occasional skid... This is actually poo. This is streets ahead of what it used to be when there were actual poops in there but he's improved. No he doesn't have learning problems, just an awful mother.
You should also know, he wipes his bum fine when he's here - simply because he knows he should. But at hers, he doesn't. Make of that what you want.

We did have this conversation about money as it was about how age my daughter took responsibility of her pocket money.
I think my partner did it to encourage him to ask to stop it, to earn......

But personally I think cleaning ones mess should not be rewarded. If he asked to do something else, chair enough! But, on this one, we've agreed to disagree!! As you have to when we reach have our own kids!

He's the type of boy I'd like my daughter to meet!!

Honestly there's not much specific I want for her in a relationship but respect and looking after themselves are the bare minimum you want for them !

Exactly - we've not messaged her saying 'you're a dirty cow letting him be this way' so I thought it was shocking that she messaged us like that, as if she has any right to judge what we teach him.

@ithinkilikethislittlelife

But what about when your 8 and 12 year old do this in public places and at other people's houses? It's basic hygiene and common courtesy to teach kids to leave bathrooms in a similar state that they found them in.

Wipe up after himself, absolutely.

Clean the rest of the toilet as you describe, absolutely not.

My upbringing was very similar which is why I chose to parent my children differently.
A 9 year old child should not be responsible for housework IMO.
All those who say it's necessary to teach them life skills - I disagree. You can teach chores without enforcing a schedule.
Mine learned everything they needed by the time they left home for uni but there was no making them do housework. They are fully functioning capable adults in spite of not being forced to clean the bathroom as small children.

I completely agree. Mine are younger, still, but I have no intention of making them clean the toilet. I didn't have to, as a child, and look at me now, a fully functioning adult, perfectly able to clean the toilet. I can also vacuum, dust and polish, and didn't need to be taught such things. I want my children to enjoy their childhoods free of such things. Adulting will come (we hope) soon enough, and there's plenty of time to clean toilets then.

They don't do it on purpose. They know they SHOULD wipe after themselves but as they are kids they often can't be bothered. They know to put their plate and glass next to the sink after dinner but they often leave one or the other on the dinner table. They know to put their pyjamas in a pile at the end of their bed when they change out of them but they often leave them on the floor. They know to put their shoes in the pew in the hall when they take them off but they often leave them in a pile at the front door. They know what to do but as they are kids they often don't. It's really not that big of a deal. As they get older they get more thoughtful and that's fine with me. Although I still tell my 23 year old to put the teabag in the food recycle bin rather than leave it on the spoon rest 🤷🏻‍♀️.

As I've described - he Is NOT cleaning the rest of the toilet. Thought I'd made that clear. He cleans the top part of the porcelain (under the seat, which gets most splashes) and he cleans the back of the seat/lid, which when it's up, he also wees on.

He IS cleaning his own mess. He's the only boy that uses that toilet, unless my daughter defies gravity, then she isn't the one sprinkling under the seat and weeing on the back!

He also does have to use the brush if he leaves a mess down the toilet - that's not unreasonable to expect!

So you, as a child, until a grown up, happily peed on the toilet seat ( are you a male?) and didn't care that the next person to use that loo would sit in your wee?
I've sat in his wee more times than I want to remember because prior to teaching him to do better...it was everywhere! I'm sorry but allowing your kids to do that, knowing they do it outside the home, is pretty grim.

No one has suggested any of them do it on purpose?!

That's not an excuse though..... If they drop jam on the floor, do you leave it there for someone to stand in? I genuinely can't imagine the state of some people's houses 😳

Making him brush his teeth and wipe his bottom properly & wash his hands are very important for his personal hygiene and wellbeing, so those should be enforced without exception.

The rest is a bit weird and obsessive on your part. You sound more bothered about the toilet being clean than about his personal welfare. The toilet needs a proper clean by an adult more often than once a month.

Toilet brushes are rank as well 🤮

He's going to have skiddies. He going to splash the loo. You make it sound all very distasteful as opposed to normal kids stuff.

I have a 9yo and yes accidents happen. But at that age, they are perfectly capable of checking if they have made a mess, and cleaning it up. Leaving it for mum or stepmum to deal with is rude and disrespectful.

I make my dc clean up messes it’s how they learn. Strangely enough they learnt to wipe bums properly and wash hands, rinse off toothpaste and lift up the toilet seat to pee. If you make them go back and do it properly then eventually they learn to do it right the first time.

Really they should thank you when they move out as a functional human/ decent flat mate but I bet they don’t!

My daughter is 15 and perfectly capable of keeping the toilet clean - as I stated she cleans the bathroom every 3 days or so.

What is excessive exactly? He cleans the loo and the sink? That's it...

You think he should leave the toilet covered in wee... For someone else to clean... That someone else very likely to be my 15yr old who is the only other using it, so only one that's going to find out if he leaves it.

Yes, I'm bothered about pee covered toilets and a clean house in general - judge me all you like on that 🤣 But it's not a flex to be grubby.

I cleaned it for him til he was over 8 years old and you still think at 9 we should be cleaning up his wee?!

EXACTLY this. At no point have I said he's naughty or gets told off for it - but he does have to take responsibility for it.

You know how the internet is full of people saying that some kids these days are so lacking in parenting, that they are disrespectful to people and spaces around them.

I think we found where those kids come from.....

No, as I said in my previous message, he should indeed wipe after himself - the seat, the floor, wherever. But the lid? How is his pee getting on the top of the lid?

I clearly said "as you described".

Girls can pee under the seat, depending on how they are angled, btw.

I also wanted to add, that merely wiping it off the seat isn't enough - we have a disinfectant spray that gets used after every seating.

The seat and the lid are lifted up against the back of the toilet and both get wee.. Have you never cleaned a toilet that a boy has sprayed on?

It then dribbles down the seat, so next person to sit on it, sits in wee.

He is LOADS better than he was, it used to be loads about 10inches up...but now he's better but still gets it on the porcelain and the back of the toilet

He uses disinfectant wipes.
Unsure how I came across as the sort of person that doesn't know how to clean properly - when I'm having to explain to you which bits of the loo needs cleaning 🤣