9yr old to do basic cleaning

[Legs1102]

So, is this unreasonable, I'll set the scene best I can ....

My daughter 15, lived with me pretty much full time all her life, my partner's son 9, lives with us a bit under half the time, for about 5.5 years we've all lived together.

The kids have their own bathroom since November (prior to that we only had 1 bathroom and I did all the cleaning in there). My daughter keeps it clean and tidy most of the time.
Twice a month I get stepson to clean the loo and the sink area ( for context - not IN the loo, just the top porcelain and the seat where he splashed).

As I've said my daughter keeps it relatively clean and tidy anyway and about once a month I deep clean it.

We are teaching him to clean up any mess he makes, so when he uses loo (seat up) if he sprinkles, he wipes it. Sometimes he gets a bit on the back of the seat part. So, the aim of getting him to do a better clean a couple of times a month is to make him aware so hopefully he'll catch it when he does it.

He also manages to get toothpaste spit all over the sink and tap and doesn't always swill it off.

At NO POINT, does he get told off for either of these things, it's life ....we all make a mess. We're trying to get him to be responsible - especially as it's the bathroom he shares with another child.

Now, there are issues with his other parent, she doesn't make him brush his teeth properly (he's had a filling already had a filling and dentist says he needs to brush better) , she also doesn't instill any kind of hygiene, he doesn't wipe his bum properly and has poopy pants almost every time we get him, he doesn't have to wash his hands after the loo there.

Anyway - on Sunday he hadn't done his chores on time (wiped the loo and sink) in time and ended up getting back to hers about 5 minutes late.
She texts us lolling and omg'ing that those are his chores. That we are ridiculous etc etc for MAKING him do that.

I put this on another forum and they genuinely tried to make out I was a 'disgusting Cinderella stepmum for making him clean toilets when he visits' ...he doesn't 'visit' - it's shared custody - he doesn't 'clean toilets ' he wipes the one that he wees on! They said a 9yr old shouldn't be doing that. He's too little. I'm humiliating him and causing him trauma

He gets pocket money for that chore, probably well above the going rate seeing as it's only twice a month!

My 15yr old has known how to clean and how to tidy since before 9 .... Don't get me wrong, typical teenage bedroom looks like a bomb site often, not saying she's perfect AT ALL... but when she tidies and cleans, she knows how to, and she keeps the bathroom very decent.

So, the question is - is it unreasonable to expect a 9yr old boy to wipe the toilet and the sink twice a month, in the bathroom he shares with his 15yr old sister?

If you think it's unreasonable, why? At what age do you think it's appropriate for them to become a respectful member of the family home, leaving the bathroom in a decent manner?

In short no - YANBU.

YANBU and frankly I'd have him doing it daily.

If nothing else out of consideration for others, he should be wiping urine and toothpaste every single time.

Wipes are pretty grim for the planet.

And yes, girls can wee AT THE FRONT ..but unless they're sat backwards on the loo with the anti gravity turned on, they sure as hell aren't peeing on the back of the toilet and up the seat and lid!

He does do a fairly good job each time, but not the best iyknwim - no one is gonna be sitting in wee but there's probably some he missed.

I see nothing wrong with this. I have a 1.5 yo who helps me load the washing machine/ make dinner/ mop and brush the floors/ tidy up /dust/rake up the garden/ work on our veg patch. He absolutely loves getting involved, it helps him to feel proud of himself and my aim is that he grows up to be confident knowing he's got the life skills he needs behind him to be independent and take good care of himself and have a nice home. As long as what you're doing is age appropriate I think it's really positive. Plus gives you lots of opportunities for giving him positive feedback on what a good job he did.

As long as all he's doing is wiping down behind himself then I think it's ok. Anything more than that probably not so much but only because I wouldn't want them around bathroom cleaning chemicals at such a young age. But a quick wipe down behind themselves? Absolutely fine.

OMFG you are really trying to pick on something here to win your little battle aren't you.

I grew up on farm... septic tank... So, I know....they aren't flushed ...they are biodegradable and go in the bin.

It's the easiest option for a 9 year old fgs.

You're here moaning that he uses wipes... And others saying he shouldn't even be doing it 🤣

He uses wipes because it's a lot easier for him than getting spray and a fresh cloth every time he pees.

you’re raising a respectful little man. This is nice, he’s respectful in his own space and hopefully in other homes too. Mine does this stuff too. Easier to start good habits in little ones than try to teach a teenager.

I'm not picking any battles but it's pretty well established that wipes marketed as biodegradable really aren't, and that they disperse microplastics.

Convenience comes at a cost.

I agree, their aren't great but they are the best for him being how he is (btw, apologies, mistook you for another poster and responded as such!!)

My daughter was being taught aged 8 at brownies camp how to properly clean the toilet. It’s certainly fine U.K. teach them at that age to clean up, and both my kids have age appropriate chores they have to do.

It's not unreasonable to make him wipe the seat if there's wee on it at all.
Initially I thought this thread was going to be about a child being told to use bleach or something.

A parent needs to stand with him while he's wiping his bum till the job is done, then tell him to wash his hands. And supervise him brushing his teeth whenever you get the chance as well, teaching him how to do it properly for himself.

I know this isn’t the point, but can he not be encouraged to wee sitting down until he can learn to aim better?!

I think your focus on it is excessive. I don't think it should be tied to pocket money. I think a focus on making sure he has clean personal hygiene is far more important. I also think it should be remembered by all the adults in this scenario how hard it can be for children to navigate two very different households back and forth.

They won't though. They will think wiping up their wee is someone else's job. This will not make them popular.

Although I still tell my 23 year old to put the teabag in the food recycle bin rather than leave it on the spoon rest 🤷🏻‍♀️.

So the strategy of waiting until they’re adults to let them enjoy their childhoods, hasn’t worked then.

I’m sorry but it’s totally ridiculous that a 23 year old can’t clean up after themselves when using the kitchen. He / she is not going to make a popular partner.

We all forget sometimes or have to rush off to work etc, leaving some bits in the kitchen / bathroom / insert room of choice slightly messy. But it’s not something that should be happening regularly.

Honestly, where are people’s standards?

I’m totally anti-chores for school aged children. Ours were only expected to try their best at school and not be dicks - no domestics. In this situation though, you’re expecting him to just clean up after himself which is fine and perfectly reasonable. It’ll make him a more considerate young man in the future. His mother is doing him no favours. YANBU.

He's not doing too badly. Currently living with his partner and no complaints. A teabag is a non issue. I was being flip.

I have no issues with your approach OP (or the wipes).

Sometimes you have to build competence in a graduated way. I’m sure the wipes won’t be forever.

Kids need to be able to:
clean up after themselves after a meal
keep themselves (teeth, bodies, hair) and their room/things neat tidy and looked after

ideally after that they’d be involved enough in family life that they voluntarily want to help with cooking, cleaning, tidying etc. I appreciate the challenges when this is not his only home.

it’s a lot harder to teach teens than pre teens IMO. You’re doing it right by getting in now.

The younger the better. If they can hold a cloth and reach, get them to do it.

My mum was single when I was 5 and dsis 7. We helped dust (my job), empty the bins, vacuum (sis), tidy our rooms and washing up. Mum did cooking, washing and changing beds.

My DC have always been taught to spray with cleaner and wipe sink and and shower after they’ve used it every time, wipe toilet every time. Empty dishwasher & washing machine, hang clothes and get them off the line, help change beds, put their own clean clothes away. Empty their own bins. Help me carry shopping bags from car. I used to pretend I wasn’t strong enough to lift bags when they were little to get them in the habit of helping. Now I ask them as they are stronger than me.

Dont know what posters mean by deep clean. Bathroom gets cleaned top to bottom daily. Where’s the deep bit come in?

Bloody hell! My DS has just left school! He’s 18 and laving for uni! Bit late if I hadn’t taught him how to clean and tidy by now!

YANBU. He's reaching the age where other kids are going to pick up on the fact that he smells of shit from not wiping properly if this is a regular thing, I'm sure his Mum would be upset if he started to get bullied because of it. If she's not going to instill a basic level of hygiene and cleaning up after himself, then I'd ask her at what age she thinks it's appropriate to start doing this.

I work in an environment with a lot of males in their older teens and 20s and the number who regularly smell of shit and BO and think nothing of pissing all over the toilet seat and leaving it for someone else to clean up is shocking.

i think her reaction sounds very defensive, like she's on the back foot. I think you're doing great, step-parenting is hard and thankless

Personally I don't believe letting your pre-teen children live like their home is an all inclusive hotel with private maid is doing them any favours.

Housework needs practicing, it's not like the kid will wake up on theith 18th birthday magically knowing how and what to do. Noticing that things need to be done around the house definitely needs practice - or otherwise, no wonder there are so many men around who claim they simply 'didn't notice' they left skid marks all over, used up all toplet paper and house is covered in a thick layer of dust. Mostly men, but this might have something to do with the fact that statistically, girls are expected to do significantly more household chores than boys.

You are not unreasonable. My 5 year old is sent back into the bathroom to wipe the seat when he pees on it! It's just teaching them good hygiene and to be respectful of the space they share with others.