Trying to make dinner plans with friend, who is in the wrong?

[lolit]

My friend invited me to dinner and I responded suggesting a restaurant and told her I have a half-price voucher for this restaurant. She agreed.

Today is the day of the dinner, she messaged me ignoring the previous agreement and suggesting a different restaurant. I was annoyed about that, not just because she ignored our previous agreement, but because the reason I suggested this place is because I can't afford a full-priced meal right now. I didn't directly say that, but I figured with the cost of living it's implied to be honest.

Also, the restaurant she suggested is Indian and I just went to an Indian restaurant yesterday and don't want to eat the same food two days in a row (I know that might be weird, but I'm autistic if that matters). So I replied saying "I went to an Indian restaurant yesterday" again, thinking that the part that I don't want to have Indian food twice in a row is implied. But she didn't understand what I tried to say and just said "me too" 😂

My question is, is it unreasonable to think that both of my messages were pretty clear on what I meant if you just used common sense? Not everything needs to be spelled out.

YABU- You should have spelled it out, how is she supposed to know what you meant
YANBU- the opposite

@lolit you could have been clearer - instead of mentioning the Indian you should have just said “I thought we agreed on XX. If I don’t use it today I’ll have lost the use of the voucher and to be honest I’m a bit skint”.

probably her mate doesn’t want to go to the original choice but then she ought to have checked you were ok with that.

Depending on the response I’d say something like “you two go ahead. Budget’s a bit tight hence the voucher so if you fancy an Indian I’ll skip this time”

I could have sworn this was posted a couple of weeks ago

This quote is harsh OP.

You don't come across in your messages to your friend like this. However, you ARE unreasonable for expecting them to know what you were implying.

Just because you said you had a voucher for Place A, it is not implicit that you couldn't afford to eat at Place B (or anywhere full price). Same with the second message, unless you say that you don't fancy it twice in a row then it's ambiguous

So: you’re complaining about her not understanding what you are implying.

The quick fix is simply to say what you mean. And not skirt round the issue.
“Sorry i cant afford that restaurant and i dont want indian food twice in a row. Hope thats okay.” Done 👍

YABU. What would you prefer yourself? To have someone clearly tell you what they wanted to say, or to have them imply things so you had to read between the lines? Why on earth did you not just say 'I went to an Indian restaurant yesterday so don't want to go again' and/or 'I'd rather use the vouchers as its more affordable for me'?

I would need the things you've said spelt out. I can't do implied conversion very well especially if it's text messages

I personally wouldn’t assume that when you said you have a voucher you were short on money. If you explained it to me that would be fine.

Just say what you are thinking or don’t go out at all. It’s not a big deal.

Can’t you just say ‘did you not fancy this place’ - quote previous message. Then, I meant I don’t fancy In Indian again. Just spell it out

I also think the lack of clarity/ understanding starts on the first line
" my friend invited me to dinner" is not the same thing as " my friend invited me out to dinner".
One means food at hers and the other means eating out.

If you don't fancy Indian again say so. Some of the time it's not cheaper with a voucher then just going somewhere cheaper anyway. Personally I say up front what I can and can't afford. There's tons of choices around having food with a friend.

It has been such a tight moment for me financially, that I dine out two days in a row?

No one is in the wrong, you just don't have the same expectations & you aren't communicating clearly. If money's tight so you'd rather use your voucher, say so. If you don't fancy Indian again so soon, say so.

Neither of you are wrong. I would suggest being slightly more open in the future. No need to write long texts but simply, just give a bit more info.

So many problems are caused by people not saying what they mean. Just let them know why you suggested the first restaurant, and why you don't want to have Indian two nights in a row. Stop sending messages with "implied" meaning, as not everyone interprets them the same!

I’d happily eat Indian (or Italian, or French) food several days running so if you mentioned you’d eaten it yesterday I would think “what a coincidence” rather than “you won’t want it again so soon.”

The way you referred to the voucher in your OP made it sound like you would get a discount, not that the whole group would. I wouldn’t assume you mentioned it because you couldn’t afford a full price meal, either.

If you can’t afford a meal out, why accept an invitation for one? “Sorry, it’s a tight month, could we get together for a coffee instead ?”

Can someone explain why (so many people think) going to an indian restaurant two days in a row is "having the same food" twice? A quick scan tells me there are over 100 dishes on the menu at my favourite takeaway, not counting the various fypes of rice, bread, and variations of something with chips.

If you had shepherd's pie yesterday, would you not eat fish and chips today because you don't fancy "having an english" two days in a row?

Anyway, I agree that OP has to be explicit. The friend's response to "I had indian yesterday" sounds like she's saying "woo, me too, look at us living the high life" or something 😄

FFS
RTFT

Personally I prefer a bit of variety and wouldn't choose to go to the same sort of restaurant two days running.

OP just message:

Hey, the reason I suggested X restaurant and using my voucher for us is because I can't really afford to go out at the moment, the meal I had last night was free plus as it was Indian food I'd rather have something different. Could we please go to X restaurant? I've been struggling with burnout recently so it would be really nice to get together and have a nice evening out xx"

Honestly if she says no I'd be questioning what kind of friend she is anyway (which I'm already doing given she incurred a third person asking without checking with you, who does that?)

Ps I'm also autistic so I get you!

Came here to say this!

You don’t come across like that at all. And not going somewhere unless you want to go is perfectly acceptable and not “you you you”.

However as others said you have not been clear. I have a voucher for here doesn’t mean I can’t afford anywhere else. “I can only afford it with a voucher” means that.

Challenge yourself before sending a message. Think about what you want the other person to know after they read it. Then read what you’ve written. If it’s not what you thought you wanted the other person to know, rewrite the message. I’ve been training my husband in this for years 😂 I’m not a mind reader, I’m a message reader.

Autistic people tend to fall at opposite ends of what non autistic do. So some autistic people will only eat the same foods over and over. Others will be fixated on the opposite and absolutely will not eat the same thing. I'm autistic and have all sorts of rituals around variety in food. I would struggle with this.

The issues of autism are beside the point.

OP's friend has basically hijacked an agreed-upon outing.

Originally they agreed to go as a twosome to the restaurant OP suggested, noting that she had a voucher.

Suddenly the friend has not only invited someone else without consulting OP, but also wants to change the venue away from the one she and OP had agreed to when making plans.

This is rude in any circumstances. If I agree to a two-person catch-up at McDonald's, I didn't agree to a three-person outing at Nando's. Unilaterally changing the plans is obnoxious.

She might have ignored your first message because she doesn't fancy X restaurant and has presented her original idea instead?

Be clear you would love to see her but can only afford a budget of ££ and then you can work something out.

This is of course if you are not cancelling with her as you prevoiusly mentioned.

I voted YANBU because this could happen to me, you write something that you feel is clear but the other person doesn’t get it, then it is awkward.
My advice is to message now: «remember I have a voucher for x place? And to be honest I could really use a discount on the meal (the voucher applies to your meal as well!), do you mind terribly if we go there? Or any other cheap suggestions »

but then, I’m socially awkward myself so who knows if this is good advice 😅

She didn't pay for the indian.