Trying to make dinner plans with friend, who is in the wrong?

[lolit]

My friend invited me to dinner and I responded suggesting a restaurant and told her I have a half-price voucher for this restaurant. She agreed.

Today is the day of the dinner, she messaged me ignoring the previous agreement and suggesting a different restaurant. I was annoyed about that, not just because she ignored our previous agreement, but because the reason I suggested this place is because I can't afford a full-priced meal right now. I didn't directly say that, but I figured with the cost of living it's implied to be honest.

Also, the restaurant she suggested is Indian and I just went to an Indian restaurant yesterday and don't want to eat the same food two days in a row (I know that might be weird, but I'm autistic if that matters). So I replied saying "I went to an Indian restaurant yesterday" again, thinking that the part that I don't want to have Indian food twice in a row is implied. But she didn't understand what I tried to say and just said "me too" 😂

My question is, is it unreasonable to think that both of my messages were pretty clear on what I meant if you just used common sense? Not everything needs to be spelled out.

YABU- You should have spelled it out, how is she supposed to know what you meant
YANBU- the opposite

That's fair. I was just replying to the question why I would suggest a restaurant in the first place

If you are abit broke, surely going to their house would be the cheapest option?

It’s not her fault she can’t read your mind.

Good question. You have given me something to think about.

The only thing I can think of that it's because I am going through autism burnout right now and even the simple act of texting is so mentally exhausting for me that I am only capable of short replies.

Thanks, that's very helpful and not hurtful at all

OP, your friend isn't a mind-reader.

I went to an Indian restaurant

'I went to an Indian restaurant yesterday' could mean any one of a number of things. For example, it could mean:

• 'I went to an Indian restaurant yesterday' [so I don't want to eat Indian food again]
• 'I went to an Indian restaurant yesterday' [which confirms that I like Indian food and therefore wouldn't mind eating it again]
• 'I went to an Indian restaurant yesterday' [which doesn't indicate any preference either way but I'm just commenting on the coincidence]

the reason I suggested this place is because I can't afford a full-priced meal right now

Why would your friend know that, though? Yes, there's a cost of living situation going on in the UK, but that doesn't mean anyone could reasonably assume that this means anyone who has a half-price restaurant voucher must be affected by it. Also, it's perfectly possible she's just completely forgotten that you you mentioned the voucher anyway.

Just because you are aware of your personal thought processes, that doesn't mean it's 'common sense' that everyone else will know what you're thinking and fill in the blanks. They do not know that you don't like to eat the same cuisine two nights in a row. They do not know that you are skint at the moment. They have no way at all of knowing those things, because you haven't actually told them.

All you need to say is 'Although I do like Indian food, I'm not keen on having the same thing two nights in a row - plus I'm really skint at the moment. Do you remember I mentioned that place I've got the half-price voucher for? It would be really helpful if we could go there so I can save some money - would that be OK with you? Sorry for any confusion!'

Be clear - say I really don’t fancy Indian after only having that yesterday, I was hoping we could go to the restaurant I suggested so I can use my voucher, are you not keen on that idea?

The direct truth would be shorter.

I am going through autism burnout right now and even the simple act of texting is so mentally exhausting for me that I am only capable of short replies

Forgive me if I'm misunderstanding autism burnout - but if you're so exhausted mentally that you're struggling with communication, are you going to be able to cope with going out for a meal with a friend and chatting all night over dinner?

Crikey OP - just TELL her you can't afford it, stop trying to think she can guess everything - sorry your going through a burn out, but it must also be exhausting for the person on the receiving end of this - she is not a mind reader.

@lolit

because 'invited me for dinner' implies at her house or that she's paying. Not just asked if I wanted to go out for dinner.

But, yes, that's probably 'a norm' you might not have realised. No problem.

I’m autistic too and assuming I was your friend, I’d text you back and want to clarify whether you intended to share the voucher with me or not.

If I’m also getting a half price meal, then I’d be more inclined to go to that restaurant. Otherwise, I might decide that I don’t fancy the food there enough to pay full price. 🤷🏻‍♀️

See this is the problem with not being clear.

I completely disagree with this. Amongst my friends if someone asks if I want to meet for dinner it absolutely would be the norm for us both to go back and forth suggesting where to meet. It definitely would NOT imply they were inviting me to their house or paying for the meal.

Way quicker and easier - especially if you have autism I would have thought - to be clear about what you want/need to happen

That is exactly what is on my mind right now. I think I will cancel because I can't cope

No one else aside from you with the adhd brain will get the implications of everything you have intended to imply.

Keep it simple and factual, "I can't afford to eat at X restaurant, I can only go out to Y restaurant as I have a coupon, if you want to cancel that's fine but I can only agree to go to Y restaurant.

It's always better to just say what you mean in as simple a way as possible. Different people will assume different things when something's not obvious.

It’s all about you though isn’t it? YOU want to go to X restaurant because YOU have a voucher and now YOU don’t want an Indian. You’re kind of saying ‘unless we go where I want, I can’t go’.

The autistic thing is so annoying.

I'm autistic, but I wouldn't fancy a big Indian meal 2 days running because I simply wouldn't, a lot of people wouldn't. My reasoning would be that I'm still tasting the raw onion and garlic naan 😂

Just tell your mate your afford it.

But your current replies being so unclear mean you have to send more message, not less and now you’re posting here about it, giving yourself even more messages to read and reply to.

Your friend is not a mind reader, get to the point and just be honest.

Yes, but she invited another friend in the meantime so she won't be left hanging, the two of them are going.

She might just have forgotten your previous conversation.

That's not at all how I meant it, but it is good to know that's how I might come across so I can try to adjust my communication style because that's certainly not how I want to come across

Yes, it's a mutual friend