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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell my friend she's not acting in the best interests of her DD

97 replies

Rosiecidar · 19/08/2024 15:01

A friend of mine has an adult daughter, nearly 30. DD. DD lives at home and went to uni locally and has never lived away, never had a boyfriend and barely any friends. DD used to be good friends with my DD from.school but that's drifted. My friend is pretty negative to men in a romantic context since her divorce 15 years ago and been steadfastly single. My friend does everything with her daughter, as in takes her daughter to everything she wants to do, occasionally seeing other friends. For holidays she goes away with her daughter maybe 3 x a year.A few months ago DD told me she didn't want to go away with her mum anymore and wanted to do her own thing, but when she told my friend she was planning a trip my friend said she would go as well. It's none of my business but I feel so annoyed with my friend for holding her DD back and not encouraging her to get out and enjoy life instead it seems my friend would be happy she spends her life as a companion. It just feels so wrong. My daughter used to be good friends with the DD but isn't any more as she said they have nothing in common ...I have tried talking about it but my friend just normalises it. It makes me annoyed and I feel my friend is self centered AIBU ?

OP posts:

Boopbeepbeepboop · 19/08/2024 15:02

Your friends daughter is a full grown adult. She needs to just talk to her mother herself.

LadyDanburysHat · 19/08/2024 15:03

The DD is 30 years old. She should be able to tell her Mum she wants a trip without her.

HighlandCow78 · 19/08/2024 15:07

I’d personally say to mind your own business OP. Your friend’s DD is more than old enough to tell her mother what she wishes to do.

Original poster

Rosiecidar · 19/08/2024 15:08

It's not just about the trip...I feel this has gone on so long the DD has no confidence that she can be independent and my friend doesn't encourage her. As an example if I ask DD question she will look to my friend before answering.

OP posts:

Commonsenseisnotsocommon · 19/08/2024 15:10

YANBU. Your friend is being selfish in her need for company and putting emotional pressure on her dd is unfair. This is the problem with mothers who want to be too involved with their adult dc's life, it doesn't give them space to be their own person. If I were you I'd just keep being supportive of her dd and in private conversation with her encourage her to spread her wings, sans mother. It's unhealthy and I would find it hard to watch too.

helpfulperson · 19/08/2024 15:10

I think you can help the daughter with support that what she wants is perfectly normal and OK. And maybe support with how to say this to her mother. If your friend mentions it to her you can support by saying how good that is that the daughter is spreading her wings.

Original poster

Rosiecidar · 19/08/2024 15:10

HighlandCow78 · 19/08/2024 15:07

I’d personally say to mind your own business OP. Your friend’s DD is more than old enough to tell her mother what she wishes to do.

I see my DD going away with friends and finding a flat with friends and then I see the sheer control my friend has over her DD and I feel so sad for this young woman.

OP posts:

jeaux90 · 19/08/2024 15:11

You can tell your friend yes. I mean as parents our job is to bring up independent adults.

It's a hard conversation but I'd have it.

Equally her DD is 30. And whilst a lifetime of conditioning has rendered her dependent she has a job etc I assume? Her own money?

jerkchicken · 19/08/2024 15:11

To be honest, while I agree with you, I don’t think anything good will come of criticising your friend’s parenting.

At most, I would try and support the daughter and encourage her to have some boundaries or communicate about it with her mother.

bergamotorange · 19/08/2024 15:13

You would be overstepping, and you don't know the whole story driving this dynamic.

If you want to support the daughter to find their own way to tackle this you can, but what do you think you would achieve by speaking to your friend?

HighlandCow78 · 19/08/2024 15:16

Rosiecidar · 19/08/2024 15:10

I see my DD going away with friends and finding a flat with friends and then I see the sheer control my friend has over her DD and I feel so sad for this young woman.

Show quote history

You can advise the DD and help her out without destroying your friendship with her mother. Nobody is going to react well to criticism of their parenting.

loropianalover · 19/08/2024 15:19

You’ll always get a mix of responses on Mumsnet of people who would absolutely speak up and people who would absolutely not.

I think the issue is sometimes when you ‘notice’ something, it’s hard to let go of it. You need to weigh up whether it’s worth saying, if you call her out she might end the friendship. It would also leave the DD more isolated.

Personally I think DD is wasting her life away. She needs to stick up to her mum. I hope she’s been saving all these years and could afford a rental at least.

JanetareyouokareyouokJanet · 19/08/2024 15:21

Speak up for her! She obviously cant do it herself. It’s nice you care.
You can’t just watch people struggle in life because it’s overstepping or not your business. Yawn.

Original poster

Rosiecidar · 19/08/2024 15:23

It completely makes sense to speak to the DD but how ? When she was school age she would come to see my DD but now I wouldn't see her alone. I tried a few weeks ago to say " could she go on a group trip she's more than capable ' and I got "oh yes, but I would like to see X place too" - to be honest it's impacted our friendship as I feel it's not so much about parenting but being selfish.

OP posts:

KittenQuibbles · 19/08/2024 15:26

Obviously no one knows the full situation, but on the face of it it's incredibly sad. Reminds me of an old friend who described her daughter as her ' best friend' and slept in the same bed until she was a teenager, as apparently daughter couldn't sleep without her next to her. The poor daughter used to have panic attacks if staying at friends/ grandparents houses as she was so dependent on her mother. The daughter became mums confidant and from a very young age, knew all the ins and outs of friends past relationships and medical problems. I backed away in the end but I do wonder what became of the both of them. I suspect she is living somewhat the life of the young woman you describe in your op.

5128gap · 19/08/2024 15:27

If it was me and the DD was confiding in me I'd be encouraging her to tell her mum herself. She is 30 and it's not appropriate for another adult (you!) to get involved on her behalf, assuming she doesn't lack capacity. For one thing, you could speak for her and as soon as her mum asked her about it, she could cave in and you'd be left looking like a trouble maker. Why not point the DD in the direction of some resources to develop her assertiveness?

RisingSunn · 19/08/2024 15:27

Could the daughter have any special needs that you are not aware of?

If not, then this is more than selfish, it’s cruel and she probably hasn’t developed the agency to go against her mother.

Octavia64 · 19/08/2024 15:29

How sure are you that this is due to the mum's parenting?

In cases where I have seen this the daughter/son has had significant additional needs. Usually autism or similar.

givemushypeasachance · 19/08/2024 15:38

She's been to university, so it's not like she's been brainwashed into a cult-like atmosphere of never leaving the house or speaking to anyone else. Does she work? Have any interests, clubs, sports, etc? If she's not being kept to a solitary life of only ever seeing her mother, then she has a chance to meet other people and do things alone or with them. It's up to her if she wants to continue living with her mother or branch out on her own.

Original poster

Rosiecidar · 19/08/2024 15:45

Octavia64 · 19/08/2024 15:29

How sure are you that this is due to the mum's parenting?

In cases where I have seen this the daughter/son has had significant additional needs. Usually autism or similar.

But I am not sure that I really understand how that plays into things ? If there is a SAN this is still a person who shouldn't miss out on life ? She was capable of going to university and getting a job. It may help explain things only.

OP posts:

Wexone · 19/08/2024 15:48

i get it but i dunno how you do anything without jeopardizing your friendship. To the people saying daughter is an adult and she should talk to her mother, thats actually quiet hard to do in real life, the mother thinks she is doing nothing wrong and as the daughter does love her mother and probably knows no different she just goes along with it. This is why i cringe when i her mothers saying their daughter is their best friend. No they are not, you are their parent and its is your job to help them grow up, to give them the strength and confidence to go out in the world on their own. You can be close to them but you are not their best friend. Its great that her daughter can confide in you, i would still be there for her and try to encourage her to start thinking about doing things herself, maybe might be giving less info to her mother about where she is going etc as well as encouraging a flatshare or something if she can. With your friend, tray and to activities with her on her own aswell. It will be a long one i think

Neveranynamesleft · 19/08/2024 15:52

There is also the issue of encouraging her mum to go out and do things/go to places / make new friends without her daughter.

Original poster

Rosiecidar · 19/08/2024 15:55

A few in our friendship circle have suggested to the mother that DD might benefit from living away from home to study (DD is always doing courses) and there's always some reason for this not to happen.."too expensive" or "the best course is a bus ride away" or "that college is very x,y,z better she is nearer home". I know one friend told her that her job as a parent was to bring her up to reach her full potential...but nothing changed.

OP posts:

stainnotagain · 19/08/2024 15:56

As the child of an overbearing mother, I would have been really grateful if one of my DM's friends had spoken to her and - gently - told her that she was taking it too far. I think you should definitely speak to your friend, but figure out a way to do it that won't lead to her getting defensive and further isolating herself and her daughter.

NetflixAndKill · 19/08/2024 15:57

As a woman almost in her 40’s and grown up in this exact scenario, I’d say definitely have a gentle word with your friend. She might not even realise she’s doing it. Only now am I starting to step back and speak for myself. Disagree with comments, don’t drop everything to run to her. I didn’t know any different. It’s how I’ve been bought up. The DD won’t realise it either until she’s out of it. Am I seeing a whole different life to what I thought what my future. I’m just mad for the years I’ve lost pandering to every single thing. It’s draining. All the best 💕

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