Was I wrong to attend memorial

[EugenieGreen]

Last year one of my husband’s friends died. He’d been ill but his death was unexpected.

I don’t know if there was no funeral at all or whether it was private.

He and his wife came to our wedding and he was an usher but it was the first time I had met her.

Over the years I would meet him in passing and maybe her two or three times, most significantly at DH’s cousin’s wedding where we were on the same table.

DH saw his wife occasionally.

Lovely couple who were good company.

On Friday there was a memorial at a church followed by a reception.

The church had no pews but seats. When we got there there were names on seats and mine wasn’t there.

I sat at the back with three others who also didn’t have assigned seats. There were also tourists sitting at the back.

We went to the reception after and there was a guest list which I wasn’t on. My name was taken but I was allowed in. I saw one of the others from the back of the church there too.

The widow approached me and recognised me but said she didn’t know that I knew her husband that well.

Accommodation was made for me because someone didn’t turn up.

My DH’s sister-in-law and the wife and husband of the two cousins didn’t turn up.

We had no idea it was so formal and DH can’t remember who the invitation was addressed to.

It would not occur to me not to accompany my husband to a funeral or memorial.

Would you have gone of am I completely mad?

I'm with you, a funeral is pretty much a public event, and I always go with my husband to funerals or memorials for his friends and acquaintances. He does the same for me. It would never occur to me that it could be so restricted.

So he was specifically invited, but you weren't? Was his name on a seat? If so, it does sound a bit odd. Maybe they didn't want to assume you'd want to go. But funerals and memorials are usually a bit more loose - they never know who will or won't turn up.

I've never heard of a funeral being so organised to be honest. I think you went with good intentions to show respects. Normally I try to check the death notice as often they'll say what funeral arrangements there are and whether it's family only or not. Sometimes it can be hard to tell and you went in good faith so I wouldn't give it another thought op.

I would have checked that I was invited. That applies to anything. My husband and I are not one person, we don’t do everything together. I think this is normal.

That said, it is unusual to me to have a “guest list” for a memorial, even if it’s catered. They’re normally drop in events, and I err on the side of it being heartening to see so many people wanting to be there (although given how little you knew the deceased, not sure this would apply to you).

Bottom line, I think you should have checked first. You can’t assume that just because your husband is invited to something you are too. That may be how you see yourselves; that’s not my experience of how the world generally sees couples.

Names on seats at a funeral/memorial is a bit weird. Normally they reserve a row/pew for family and the rest is free.

Having organized a funeral recently, I certainly didn’t have time or space to be making a seating plan beyond this.

I've not been to a memorial, but I, like you, would assume the same etiquette as a funeral.

Church - everyone can attend, so I dont think it would occur to me not to attend with DH either. I've not heard of named invitations or named seats. Unspoken etiquette is for family and friends to sit at the top of the row of seats and everyone else at the back, which is what you did.

Reception - this is a bit more tricky, only because of budgeting for food.
I would only go if I was invited.

This is quite tricky.

In all the major denominations, churches are a ‘free space’ and religious ceremonies are open to everyone ( it would have been believers originally, but those days are done). When I was a child in the Stone Age, most parish churches had several people, mainly women, who would come to every wedding, christening and funeral. They sat at the back, and they knew the responses off by heart ( and the hymns). They were part of the Church family.

The wake is a private function.

I've never really heard of people being invited to a funeral as such. Surely you just put out the message on social channels (more likely to be WhatsApp and social media these days than a newspaper notice) and people come to pay respects.

I don't think you are mad.

I think it's a normal thing to do, if you want to, to accompany a spouse/partner/OH to a funeral/memorial service, even if both persons in the couple were not equally close to the deceased person. To support your spouse/OH. (I'm not from the UK).

But this memorial service was more "strict", I guess?

I know it wasn't a funeral because it's quite a while after the death, but I would definitely assume the same rules as a funeral and would have attended with DH if available. I don't think you did anything wrong.

(Assuming your DH didn't throw out an invitation that made it very clear it was named people only a la a wedding!)

That seems like an unusual set-up. I have been to private funerals, to which I have been invited but it’s clear that it’s invitation only.

Not to worry though, it sounds like , although you were not expected, it wasn’t an inconvenience, and you paid your respects to someone who had been part of your husbands life.

Was it a private memorial or not?
The invite would tell you that.
TBH I do find it a bit odd that you went, based on how little you knew him.

A memorial is different to a funeral. At my grandads funeral in a busy seaside town there were loads of people there just for mass. It was nice.

The memorial was private.

Funerals and memorials might technically be “open”, but who actually wants to go to the service of somebody they don’t know well (or at all)? I wouldn’t have gone unless I’d been named in the invitation, or a public notice had been made with details and therefore clearly indicating to all-comers. People display all kinds of emotions around death, a load of gawping or awkward near-strangers there to see the widow or their DC ugly-cry or get a bit too drunk to fight back the emotion seems unseemly.

In the Church of England at least, services be they funerals or memorial services, aren’t private. This sounds like a particular manifestation of someone’s grief, OP, so I’d let it go. You did nothing wrong but grief makes us do unpredictable things.

Edit to add: families can specify things like ‘this memorial service is just for family’ but that’s a request and expectation management, it’s not something that is 100% enforceable. Although someone on the door can have a word and explain.

I'm organising a funeral at the moment and although it's a logistical nightmare trying to guess who many people are going to show up to which bits and therefore which room to book and how much food to order, I am not planning to put names on seats and turn anyone away! Besides, the church has already put the details in the newsletter.

maybe this is a cultural thing, but I would go to the memorial of an acquaintance I’ve known over a long period of time.

I’ve gone to a memorial for a work colleague who died unexpectedly- didn’t know him that well, as only worked in his team 6 months, but we were friendly, got on well, went out for drinks as a team a few times.

There were people at the memorial who knew him less than I did, but didn’t think for a second they shouldn’t go. I thought it was respectful towards him as a colleague and think his family were comforted to know he was so well thought of at work.

I’ve also attended the funerals of friend’s parents - barely know them but there to show support.

i find his wife’s response to be rather odd to be honest!

As someone said upthread OP. You were only going with good intentions. I don’t think anyone from the deceased family will think twice about it, so try to relieve yourself of any worries .

So many missing the point that it was a memorial, not a funeral. If my DH got an invite to a memorial for someone who had been usher at our wedding, I would assume it was for us both and I'd never dream of imagining something so formal. For her to say she didn't realise you knew him so well just sounds awful on her part, you've accompanied your DH.

YABU - I wouldnt attend a funeral unless I knew the organiser had it as open to all.

And if organising would place restrictions if there were specific people I didn't want there as a way of keeping those people out.

I know she’s grieving but it’s awful to make you feel weird about it. Odd.

You were a bit UR to attend the catered part just because your husband was invited. You are two individuals, not joined at the hip, so if you did not know the man well and were not specifically invited, it is not surprising that the widow queried your presence.

All depends on how you know about it. Usually a funeral would be on a death notice and maybe announced at mass so open to all. Then at the funeral people are invited back to the house. I'd consider it usually an open invite. I don't know about memorials but I guess it depends on the invite. I would consider it strange to invite half a couple to most things though.

I'm surprised it was so organised. Where I'm from, anyone who wants to pay their respects can make an appearance. Don't mind her. You'll know for again, what frame of mind she's in but you weren't to know that beforehand. I think it was nice of you to go and I'd say many others there would have thought the same

Totally bizarre. As I read through your OP I was assuming that your DH was not there and was thinking that perhaps that was why the query was made, though even that would have been a bit odd. But when I read that he was with you the reaction seemed even odder.
Sounds like grief talking.

Can I ask, given that it was in a “tourist attraction” church, with all the seats individually allocated, are the family very wealthy or somehow prominent local figures? That might explain it a bit if they thought you were essentially gatecrashing an exclusive event with expensive catering, or they are used to having to enforce their privacy.