Was I wrong to attend memorial

[EugenieGreen]

Last year one of my husband’s friends died. He’d been ill but his death was unexpected.

I don’t know if there was no funeral at all or whether it was private.

He and his wife came to our wedding and he was an usher but it was the first time I had met her.

Over the years I would meet him in passing and maybe her two or three times, most significantly at DH’s cousin’s wedding where we were on the same table.

DH saw his wife occasionally.

Lovely couple who were good company.

On Friday there was a memorial at a church followed by a reception.

The church had no pews but seats. When we got there there were names on seats and mine wasn’t there.

I sat at the back with three others who also didn’t have assigned seats. There were also tourists sitting at the back.

We went to the reception after and there was a guest list which I wasn’t on. My name was taken but I was allowed in. I saw one of the others from the back of the church there too.

The widow approached me and recognised me but said she didn’t know that I knew her husband that well.

Accommodation was made for me because someone didn’t turn up.

My DH’s sister-in-law and the wife and husband of the two cousins didn’t turn up.

We had no idea it was so formal and DH can’t remember who the invitation was addressed to.

It would not occur to me not to accompany my husband to a funeral or memorial.

Would you have gone of am I completely mad?

I've never known such a formal funeral. When I organised one various people turned up who I wouldn't have expected. I can't imagine putting actual names on seats! What's even more weird is tourists sitting at the back at a funeral of a person they presumably didn't even know!

I find it odd that he had a key role in your wedding but your attendance at his memorial was questionable. The relationship you described is one of a level of friendship that I'd expect to be at the memorial if I wanted to be and was able to be.

I’ve never really heard of a funeral or memorial being invite only - usually they’re for anyone who shows up. I don’t think you did anything wrong, you couldn’t have known they were doing things differently to the norm when they hadn’t made it clear.

I agree with the above poster that it's a memorial event, not a funeral. When my father died we held a private funeral, with 6 attendees, and a memorial which was invitation only. The venue was extremely tight on space and I was footing the bill since Dad did not leave any money to cover funeral costs.

I think if you're not aware that the above can be a 'thing' then you obviously meant no harm. But with a memorial I would personally always check invitees and not turn up.

Perhaps you don’t have anyone in your life that you love, but it’s not remotely unusual to attend the funeral of someone you didn’t know that well to support your loved one who was much closer to the deceased person, and it certainly doesn’t insinuate unseemly behaviour.

Gosh, if he was an usher at your wedding of course you could have gone to the memorial.

I’ve never heard of such formality and gate keeping at a funeral or memorial. We recently organised a funeral and were keen to allow anyone who knew the person to pay their respects, and take comfort from the number of people that did attend. It was a mark of how loved and respected they were.

I’m sorry this happened, I would equally have attended in your situation and would have been surprised at the arrangements.

I would have gone but once realising I wasn't expected/invited would have left. I certainly wouldn't have proceeded to a reception once asserting my name wasn't on the list.

Agreed. It's slightly odd making it invite only, but even so, I think it's poor etiquette to invite only OP's DH in the first place considering he was an usher at your wedding etc.
The wife, realising you had attended with him, should have then made you feel welcome. I think her response was ungracious and rude.

I definitely wanted opinions from everyone not just those who would have done as I did.

For those pointing out that DH and I aren’t joined at the hip I do know this as evidenced by his seeing this friend far more often than I did.

This was the friend’s memorial not funeral.

It never occurred to me not to go. I wanted to pay my respects to someone I knew well enough and to support my husband who at the time was quite shaken by the loss of a man he had known all of his life.

When we walked over to the reception and it became clear that my name wasn’t on the guest list I did hesitate but the person on the door didn’t make it a problem and simply added my name.

When looked into the adjoining room and saw that it was a sit down meal I again hesitated but at that point his widow came over.

I didn’t take her response as particularly rude just odd that she thought that I was odd coming to a memorial with my husband.

My husband was a bit discombobulated by the whole thing. He sat at a table with the poor man’s brother and cousins and his own brother and two cousins.

I sat with complete strangers who were extremely polite to me.

I still don’t know if I was in the wrong to assume that I was invited.

People keep saying 'I've never known a funeral like this'... but this wasn't a funeral. The OP says at the start of her post that either there wasn't a funeral, or that the funeral had already happened in private.

It was a memorial service, followed by a reception, which isn't really the same thing at all. If there was a guest list, then presumably there were invitations rather than just a general notice of when the service was going to be.

Obviously anyone can attend any church service - they're not private (hence 'tourists' sitting at the back). So YWNBU to attend if you were happy to sit away from your husband with the other non-invited people, but I don't think you could expect an allocated seat in the church with the invited guests, or to attend the reception after the event, if the invitation was to your husband only.

The wife, realising you had attended with him, should have then made you feel welcome. I think her response was ungracious and rude.

To be fair, the wife is probably not especially focused on other people's feelings of awkwardness right now. You know, what with her husband having just died.

Jeez. She arranged an invitation-only event which included a catered reception with a seating plan, someone who wasn't invited turned up and had to be fitted in and thus just gave the grieving widow extra shit to worry about at what was probably one of the most emotional and difficult days of her life. Honestly, I don't really blame her for not being at her most welcoming or accommodating in that situation; she's probably barely able to think straight.

I still don’t know if I was in the wrong to assume that I was invited

If an invitation to an event doesn't have your name on it, and doesn't specify plus-one, you're not invited.

Yes agree with this, but I think in the circumstances it's fair enough not to have realised that the event was so formal. I also think it's strange to not have invited OP along with her DH, that borders on rude in itself, although of course new widows get to be unreasonable.

It's all just a bit weird OP, don't take it to heart. The wife was probably stressed and may well have felt bad for not being more welcoming to you after.

I've never been to a memorial. Unless there was a clear invitation and request to RSVP to confirm numbers, I'd probably think that anyone could go, like a funeral

Not wrong but maybe your dh should have said you were coming too.

Going to the memorial was fine and it is fine to assume you were also invited. Sitting at the back was the right thing to do given the circumstances.

Given that you knew you hadn't actually been invited at all, I think it was inappropriate to make your way to the reception. You were fully aware that your name wouldn't be on the list for the meal given your omission from the memorial so I am sure the widow must have felt quite awkward, hence her comment.

If a funeral is held in a church, then strangers are allowed in. They cannot join the after party unless invited, so no, not a public event

When we walked over to the reception and it became clear that my name wasn’t on the guest list

Of course it wasn't, if you name wasn't on the seat in the church?

There was no need for you to go for their hospitality.

You'd attended the memorial and that was enough.

I've never heard of a memorial like this. I would however, assuming the invitation was clear, have a bone to pick with my DH for failing to read it properly.

I voted YANBU but on re reading I think YABU

He died last year, it’s now August. This doesn’t sound like a funeral but a small party for his closest friends.

Funerals generally have open invitations to all who want to come but this sounds like a specific invitation to your husband only.

The widow may have got it wrong on etiquette here, funerals aren’t like weddings where there are invited guests. I didn’t know this until I was 30 however having been lucky enough not to experience a funeral for so many years.

memorials may be different and I suppose it’s the prerogative of the widow and their family, but generally I think you were not doing anything wrong

I really wouldn't over think this. You did nothing wrong here, the situation was very unconventional and you couldn't have known. Also, the wife's reaction was probably down to grief -it can make people react irrationally. I would be surprised if she even registered it really.

Of course she did something wrong.

After realising she wasn't invited to the memorial, she then thought she'd chance her luck at the reception and take advantage of the food and drink being offered, when she knew he hadn't been catered for.

She couldn't have known about the memorial part, so fair enough.

But to invite herself for food and drink was cheeky fuckery at its finest.

I think that a funeral is more of a public event, especially if the details are made public eg in a local newspaper. I have organised two funerals (for my parents) and we didn't really know how many local friends and acquaintances would turn up.

A memorial service would be an invitation-only unless it was publicised with a "all welcome" type comment.

Any awkwardness you feel is on your husband if he received a formal invitation that didn’t include your name.