Was I wrong to attend memorial

[EugenieGreen]

Last year one of my husband’s friends died. He’d been ill but his death was unexpected.

I don’t know if there was no funeral at all or whether it was private.

He and his wife came to our wedding and he was an usher but it was the first time I had met her.

Over the years I would meet him in passing and maybe her two or three times, most significantly at DH’s cousin’s wedding where we were on the same table.

DH saw his wife occasionally.

Lovely couple who were good company.

On Friday there was a memorial at a church followed by a reception.

The church had no pews but seats. When we got there there were names on seats and mine wasn’t there.

I sat at the back with three others who also didn’t have assigned seats. There were also tourists sitting at the back.

We went to the reception after and there was a guest list which I wasn’t on. My name was taken but I was allowed in. I saw one of the others from the back of the church there too.

The widow approached me and recognised me but said she didn’t know that I knew her husband that well.

Accommodation was made for me because someone didn’t turn up.

My DH’s sister-in-law and the wife and husband of the two cousins didn’t turn up.

We had no idea it was so formal and DH can’t remember who the invitation was addressed to.

It would not occur to me not to accompany my husband to a funeral or memorial.

Would you have gone of am I completely mad?

In which case

He would have the invitation with him on his phone and could have easily checked when it was clear she wasn’t invited.

The sentence you typed out is for one person. Hope to see you there, the use of ‘John’ and no mention of more than one person means it’s for one person.

But

1. I would never assume my OH was also invited to lunch based on that message.
2. For anything with an RSVP, numbers are pretty important. If multiple people are invited through one invitation then you reply saying who/how many people will be attending, not just “yes”!

I think it would be perfectly reasonable to assume 'you' was plural. OP's husband was the deceased's friend, but OP knew him too. He had been an usher at their wedding. If the invitation was vague. why wouldn't they assume it was for both of them?

And if a text was sent to one person rather than a group, it’s logical to say “Hi John” rather than Hi John and Jane.

People saying she went to the reception trying to "blag" a free meal or “chance her arm” as if she deliberately wanted to get some free food are nuts. I've never in my life heard of a wake or memorial that was a sit down formal meal. My thought process would have been like the OP's presumably was - "oh, I won't have been catered for at the buffet but I'm here now, already made the faux pas and want to support DH so I'll go along and just not touch the food".

It's weird to assume OP both knew this was a highly unusual event that did have a sit down meal and deliberately decided to go along and "blag free food" rather than just having misunderstood the set up.

It also wouldn’t occur to me that a wake or a memorial would have a guest list. Every wake I’ve been to has been open invite, and certainly someone turning up with their spouse wouldn’t be unusual or worth making them feel bad about.

why?

‘Hi John’ is singular

‘You’ is also singular and surely you would confirm attendance for both ‘Hi yes, we would like to attend’. Surely he didn’t reply just ‘Yes’.

I am not blaming the Op. I think her husband either wasn’t thinking or wasn’t paying attention and didn’t read it properly. Not saying he did on purpose.

But if he had the invite on his phone he wouldn’t be wondering about what the invite said. He would have checked it when he realised she was expected.

Thank god. I was starting to think I was the only person alive who could see this!

I think the problem is that a memorial isn't a standard event. Everyone knows the rules for weddings and funerals but there's no established etiquette for a memorial one year on.

Clearly the wife thought it was obvious that it was invitation only, but the DH thought funeral rules apply (which I totally would've done too). It certainly would never occur to me that I wouldn't be invited to the memorial of a close friend of DH's who'd been in our wedding party!

The reception after a funeral would occasionally be a sit down meal in Ireland (note not the wake, definitely no wake a year on!). The family just give an approximate idea of numbers to the hotel and the hotel makes it work. So again, I wouldn't think anything re catering as I would expect numbers to be flexible at something like a memorial.

Just crossed wires, these things happen!

It's definitely normal to expect that invitations to funerals/memorials aren't exclusive. If there was a clear invitation explicitly to only one person then it was your husband's fault not yours.

I think your assumptions were totally reasonable OP. If you are already there and you anticipate it's going to be a buffet a) you could wander and not eat if it looked like it was going to be really short and b) buffets always over cater anyway.

Clearly it wasn't just you that this applied to as other people had got muddled as well, by the sounds of your OP.

@JabbaTheBeachHut
I have genuinely never in my life thought that I ‘would chance my arm’ for a free meal.

Those asking why I walked over to the reception are asking a reasonable question however, I don’t think that I have a coherent answer I just walked over with DH and his family actually thinking that their spouses were rude not to come!

I think that it never occurred to me that it was so formal. Very genuinely I didn’t equate not having a seat at church with not being welcome at reception.

The invitation was a formal printed one which I accept now only has DH’s name on but didn’t think it was like a wedding invitation where I obviously would know that only the person named was invited.

In fairness middle class etiquette savvy DH assumed I was invited as well.

The tourists sat through it? That’s a bit weird.

OP - you made a genuine mistake and shouldn’t worry about it. The chap’s widow has probably forgotten about the incident and thinks no less of you.

And I bet your husband was pleased to have you there, the premature loss of his long-term friend who’s also a family friend by the sound of it, must’ve hit hard.

Well it would have been worse if she’d been expecting you to attend with your husband and you didn’t bother.

So weird. You didn’t do anything wrong 🌷

It's because private memorials are usually only for family and close friends. Not acquaintances or spuses who have only met the deceased a few times. The widow obviously envisioned an intimate occasion where the people who really knew her husband would come together and share stories about him.

So yes as it was so formal with printed invitations and your name wasn't on it then they were not expecting you to attend. Though I thought it would have been etiquette to invite spouses.
I've never ever been to a church service where there was assigned seating! How odd.

It’s not relevant to the actual situation as OP has confirmed a printed invitation, but “you” is both singular and plural depending on context. What were you expecting- “youse”? “Y’all”?

"you both" imo. Especially if you've only used one name when you mean two people.

It was more odd for your husband to be invited without you, than for you to go IMO. Even if you didn't know the friend as well as your husband did most people would prefer to bring their spouses along with them rather than go on their own.

I would say it's worse to say you're going and then not turn up, as some guests did - unless there is a sound reason like illness or accident.

Maybe she wanted a number for catering purposes ?

Why would Youse or Y’all be needed

Hi John, just letting you know that we're having a memorial for Paul. 16th August, St Mark's Church, 11am. Hope to see you and wife’s name there. Lunch afterwards at the Red Dragon. Can you RSVP? BW, Mary.

and I would expect him to reply more than ‘yes’. Something like ‘yes we will be attending’ or ‘yes, we will be attending thank you for inviting us’

How would he even RSVP on behalf of both over text without mentioning both.

As you say, it’s irrelevant as it was a printed invitation to one person. Invitations to married that include both people would say at least ‘Mr & Mrs X’.

But the text example of above would still be to one person and I don’t get how he would have read the invitation and assumed it was for both and sent RSVP without mentioning they would be both attending, if it was done over text.

I also don’t get how he didn’t realise it when they got to the memorial and they weren’t expecting her, or to the place where the after meal was and her name wasn’t down. And then realised only when the widow had to approach.

Very strange set up, OP.

No I wouldn't attend a memorial.

A memorial is for family and very close friends only.

It's a time to share memories of the person they all knew.

its done now
no one minded
you supported your dh