Was I wrong to attend memorial

[EugenieGreen]

Last year one of my husband’s friends died. He’d been ill but his death was unexpected.

I don’t know if there was no funeral at all or whether it was private.

He and his wife came to our wedding and he was an usher but it was the first time I had met her.

Over the years I would meet him in passing and maybe her two or three times, most significantly at DH’s cousin’s wedding where we were on the same table.

DH saw his wife occasionally.

Lovely couple who were good company.

On Friday there was a memorial at a church followed by a reception.

The church had no pews but seats. When we got there there were names on seats and mine wasn’t there.

I sat at the back with three others who also didn’t have assigned seats. There were also tourists sitting at the back.

We went to the reception after and there was a guest list which I wasn’t on. My name was taken but I was allowed in. I saw one of the others from the back of the church there too.

The widow approached me and recognised me but said she didn’t know that I knew her husband that well.

Accommodation was made for me because someone didn’t turn up.

My DH’s sister-in-law and the wife and husband of the two cousins didn’t turn up.

We had no idea it was so formal and DH can’t remember who the invitation was addressed to.

It would not occur to me not to accompany my husband to a funeral or memorial.

Would you have gone of am I completely mad?

You weren't unreasonable anyway (unless the invitation was very explicit that numbers were limited/it was named people only). But particularly I would think it was right to go to the funeral of someone who was an usher at my wedding, whether I knew them closely or not

For the U.K. I think that the standard is the time and date of the funeral is announced. Everyone can attend but it’s not like Ireland where eg my uncle’s coworkers went to his mother’s funeral to pay their respects. When the funeral time is given, they will also say if there is going to be food afterwards and who it’s open to - you’ll often something about refreshments afterwards for ‘close friends and family.’

You see - I think this maybe an age/generational thing . When it comes to 'events'. (Weddings , christening, funeral etc ) DH & I ARE a single entity.

I can't imagine a scenario where we would go to these events on our own.. and neither would our similarly aged friends or family.

We are late 60s/70s white British. (I only add that as maybe it's a different culture for the OP )

Usually the food and drink at a reception isnt anything particularly to write home about though. I very much doubt op was rushing over there excited about the free food.

I don't think I can ever remember the food I have eaten at a funeral /memorial.

I wonder if the widow had a very limited budget and/ or had planned a memorial that was outside the norm eg. A fancy sit down wedding like meal. That's not what you would normally expect so I don't see why op was unreasonable

I am obviously out of touch - in my view, Christenings, Weddings, Funerals and Memorials are occasions when my husband and I would automatically assume we were invited as a couple!

Why does it matter what sort of food it was though?

The OP knew she wouldn't have been catered for.

This ^

You weren't invited

You shouldn't have gone

I read the subsequent posts as more that she was ready to leave at several points, but kept being invited in, so in the heat of the moment wasn't quite sure what to do.

In my area of the country in Scotland, funerals are either public, with all family and friends invited in an open invitation, or private by request of the deceased or their family. In the case of the latter, you don’t go unless specifically invited.

I don’t know if it’s an age/generational thing so much as a different-times thing. My mum, now in her late 70s, didn’t have much of an adult life before she married my dad at 24yo. She really became an adult during and in her case through marriage. She only developed her identity AS a wife and mother. She and my dad do everything together. It would be very irregular and pointed if either attended a wedding/funeral alone. They’re not themselves without each other.

I didn’t marry until my mid 30s, and had a whole past and other life by then, independent of my DH. I brought my identity to my marriage, and if the worst should happen it would survive beyond my marriage. I have no expectation that anyone include my DH with me automatically, simply because he’s married to me.

She says she walked over to the reception.

She should've left rather than chance her arm.

I don't think there's a right or wrong answer here.

I dont routinely chum my DH to funerals or vice versa but there's nothing wrong with it.

But OP said "We had no idea it was so formal"
So at this point we don't know what "to invite herself for food and drinks" consist of. I, and lots of others on here have never heard of a sit down meal for a post-memorial event before.

The few wakes I've been at consisted of a few sandwiches and crisps laid on in a pub, lots of which goes uneaten, and everyone just buys their own drink from the bar. If OP expected the same then calling her a cheeky fucker because her attending might have deprived the other guests of half a soggy ham sandwich seems a bit harsh.

As indeed is generally the case in the UK, unless it’s clearly announced as ‘family only’. This however wasn’t a funeral, but a memorial service some considerable time (the following year!) after the funeral itself.

I am not religious, so won’t comment on the church part of this memorial, but I had a memorial lunch with some friends for my husband on a date significant to us but that wouldn’t have been known to anyone but our closest family/friends, and I would have been bemused if someone had ‘gate crashed’ that. It was around 9 months after he’d died But in the OPs case it seems as if the actual invitation was unclear, or at the very least the OPs husband didn’t read it / pick up the signs that this was the case, and the ‘host’’ was gracious enough to accommodate her so I wouldn’t worry about it a moment longer.

It doesn't matter.

She wasn't invited, so she wasn't catered for and she knew that.

It doesn't matter if it's a small buffet or a sit down meal.

Would you turn up to an evening wedding reception uninvited, on the basis there's probably only a small finger buffet anyway?

Of course you wouldn't.

This wasn't the funeral!

This was a memorial service which is usually (ime) by invitation for people who knew/were close to the deceased

I don't think you should have gone

Yes you were wrong.

If it had been the actual funeral, ok to go but not to the wake as you weren't friends

To an invited memorial? Definitely not and definitely not to the 'do' afterwards
You weren't catered for.

And I've been sadly to loads of funerals lately. The people were to do with me so my DH didn't come(not family or family friends)

It was a memorial. Not an funeral. And specific people were invited.

Invitations went out. I think it’s odd your husband simply can’t remember. He must remember replying? Surly he said ‘yes I am attending’ or ‘yes, we are attending’.

I think your husband caused the awkwardness to be honest. Did you not see the invitation?

OP- Surely when you got home, you checked who exactly was invited on the memorial invite? That should have cleared up your confusion.

Also- when the invite came through and presumably just had DH's name on it- didn't you or him think it odd that your name wasn't included and it never mentioned a plus one?

I agree that the wifes reaction could be perceived as rude/odd, but, someone that wasn't named on the invite not only turned up to the church, but also continued to the reception- when it was already clear you hadn't been invited and your name wasn't included. Yes, you wanted to support your husband, and I have no idea why you weren't included, but maybe money is tight and they could only afford very close friends?
This would have caused un-necessary stress to a woman already grieving- for your lack of checking who exactly was invited.

It sounds a bit unusual for a memorial, but presumably it was clear from the invitation (that it was a sit down meal)? Could your DH have just not read it properly?

Your DH is an idiot. He should have read the invitation properly. I'm sure the last thing the widow needed was to have to deal with gatecrashers.

That is very strange. You don't invite people to a funeral.

It wasn't a funeral.

True, tbh I can’t think what was going through your head to try to turn up for part 2 after realising your mistake at part 1! 🤦🏻‍♀️ I would be doing everything I could to avoid potentially making things even more difficult for the family.

Everybody is so keen to stick the boot into someone here. It could easily have gone like this:

Whatsapp message sent in April: Hi John, just letting you know that we're having a memorial for Paul. 16th August, St Mark's Church, 11am. Hope to see you there. Lunch afterwards at the Red Dragon. Can you RSVP? BW, Mary.

Thanks Mary, confirming for 16th. Hope all is well with you. Kind regards, John.

Nobody at fault, just assumptions made at both ends and not as clear as an old-fashioned printed invitation would have been.