Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend begging to go on holiday with me, I don't know how to tell her

99 replies

lolit · 19/08/2024 04:24

My friend has bad anxiety and is a "people-pleaser" and I sympathize, but it makes her very difficult to be around for longer than half a day.

For context, her anxiety is so bad that sometimes she misses flights because she has such bad anxiety about missing a flight. I don't even understand how this works but ok

She has been begging me for years to go on holiday with her and I'm running out of excuses. She seems to completely lack self-awareness and says she is a very chill person to go on holiday with.

I don't know how to tell her she is the least chill person I've ever met

OP posts:
Scarydinosaurs · 19/08/2024 04:30

“I prefer to go on holiday…” and tell her your preference.

“Thanks for asking me, but no, I don’t want to.”

You don’t have to be personal. If she pushes for a reason you can say you really appreciate her as a friend, but that you couldn’t see it working on holiday.

Dont back down!

SoHotandPregnant87 · 19/08/2024 04:48

That's so strange, absolutely keep saying no. I wouldn't make it personal, the above poster's suggestions seem reasonable.

Annual leave and holidays are incredibly precious. You need to relax and recharge, don't let her drag you down with her. Don't feel guilty.

3luckystars · 19/08/2024 04:55

Say whatever you need to, to not go away with her. Don’t do it, don’t be sanded down.

What’s happening is that she got the idea that she is calmer on holidays, and wants you to see that side of her. None of it is true and there will be no escape if you are in another country.

You know instinctively that this would be a huge mistake. Don’t do it and lying is bad but I think in this case it could be forgiven if it saves your friendship here, lie if you have to. Good luck.

Lentilweaver · 19/08/2024 05:00

I have a similar friend who misses planes and also has health anxiety and makes me take her to foreign hospitals at 3 am. I now just say I am busy. I meet her for coffee but I never go away with her.

LAMPS1 · 19/08/2024 05:34

Put a stop to her begging, - hoping one day you will agree.

Tell her you find it very stressful going on holiday with other people and there are very few friends you have with whom the dynamics could work.
Tell her holiday leave is so hard earned and precious and flights are so expensive these days that everybody has a responsibility to themselves to ensure a holiday will be exactly what they themselves need as down time to fully relax.
Tell her you would rather preserve the friendship as it is rather than risk losing it and that you won’t ever be changing your mind on that.

Edingril · 19/08/2024 05:39

Don't be a martyr learn the word no, this anxiety thing seems to be taking over the world

WithnailOnTour · 19/08/2024 05:53

No is a complete sentence. No need to justify your response.

Caroparo52 · 19/08/2024 06:24

No. I have my plans made. But happy to go for coffee

velvetcoat · 19/08/2024 06:34

LAMPS1 · 19/08/2024 05:34

Put a stop to her begging, - hoping one day you will agree.

Tell her you find it very stressful going on holiday with other people and there are very few friends you have with whom the dynamics could work.
Tell her holiday leave is so hard earned and precious and flights are so expensive these days that everybody has a responsibility to themselves to ensure a holiday will be exactly what they themselves need as down time to fully relax.
Tell her you would rather preserve the friendship as it is rather than risk losing it and that you won’t ever be changing your mind on that.

This is what I'd do- she can hardly dismiss your anxiety if she suffers from it herself can she?

Also, if she is a people pleaser you shouldn't get too much push back from her surely?

No way I'd be going on holiday with someone like that.

FinalInstructionstotheAudience · 19/08/2024 06:36

If you were a good friend, you would stop making excuses and have the courage to tell her the real reason. If you are not prepared to do that, then you are not a friend and shouldn't be going on holiday with her anyway. And you can explain that too

timetodecide2345 · 19/08/2024 06:40

And you're not a people pleaser?? If you're not why can't you just be straight with her?

HamSad · 19/08/2024 06:40

FinalInstructionstotheAudience · 19/08/2024 06:36

If you were a good friend, you would stop making excuses and have the courage to tell her the real reason. If you are not prepared to do that, then you are not a friend and shouldn't be going on holiday with her anyway. And you can explain that too

I don't think that's fair.

Andwegoroundagain · 19/08/2024 06:43

@LAMPS1 gives good advice. Make it seem like it's a you problem than a her problem.
I know you're chill on holiday Sandra, but I'm not and it makes me really anxious going away with people I'm not used to being on holiday with. Sorry !

Miaowm · 19/08/2024 06:44

I would say I don’t have enough annual leave to do a trip as I’m already on holiday with my mum/partner etc. or that I’ve already booked all leave for my hobbies

FinalInstructionstotheAudience · 19/08/2024 06:45

HamSad · 19/08/2024 06:40

I don't think that's fair.

Show quote history

Why? Friends are honest with each other; you may temper an honest response/comment, but if you are a friend, you tell the truth
The OP said she was running out of excuses, which is not what a friend should be doing

Lentilweaver · 19/08/2024 06:47

FinalInstructionstotheAudience · 19/08/2024 06:36

If you were a good friend, you would stop making excuses and have the courage to tell her the real reason. If you are not prepared to do that, then you are not a friend and shouldn't be going on holiday with her anyway. And you can explain that too

I am not OP but I have tried to gently tell my friend she doesn't have cancer or TB or other diseases. She won't be convinced though. I have also tried to tell her that turning up half an hour before the plane leaves is not a good idea as the gate will shut. She's not convinced of that either.
So I just say I already have plans.

Travar · 19/08/2024 06:48

FinalInstructionstotheAudience · 19/08/2024 06:36

If you were a good friend, you would stop making excuses and have the courage to tell her the real reason. If you are not prepared to do that, then you are not a friend and shouldn't be going on holiday with her anyway. And you can explain that too

I don't agree at all.

I don't think you have to be brutally honest with someone to be a good friend; my DM is like this though, she thinks it's her duty to point out things to friends.

Now she's 70, she hasn't got any, funnily enough.

autienotnaughty · 19/08/2024 06:53

What's your situation? Who do you usually go on holiday with?

It amazes me the lack of awareness of some people if I asked someone to go away and they said no without giving some gesture they wanted to do it but on a different date. I would assume they did not want to do it.

I'd say something like. 'I know you have mentioned this a few times so I think it's better to be clear. There's very few people I feel comfortable spending a prolonged time period with so for that reason I don't tend to do holidays with friends. I hope you can appreciate my boundaries "

LeontineFrance · 19/08/2024 06:57

I would say 'I'm fine. I am happy to holiday on my own or with someone with the same interests (walking?) and can be difficult on holiday so prefer not to upset our friendship. '

Rightsraptor · 19/08/2024 06:58

You only have to read lots of the summer threads here to learn how difficult it can be to go on holiday with some people. Or, to turn that around, how tricky it is to find someone you enjoy holidaying with. This friend is obviously not someone you'll enjoy going on your holiday with, so definitely don't do it, because it is your holiday and she has no right to ruin it for you.

If you felt up for it, could you maybe think about a short break in your home country? This would perhaps be less stressful and might suffice to keep your friendship going. Having said that, I have been away with one particular selfish friend in our home country and it was not easy.

missdeamenor · 19/08/2024 06:59

Never do anything because you feel sorry for someone or manipulated. Say no and ask her not to mention it again. She may see you as a soft touch; be firm but gentle.

greenbuckets · 19/08/2024 07:02

Keep it direct and minimal - excuses open up argument opportunities, which will wear you down.

I'm sorry I don't want to go on holiday, so I won't be. I enjoy our meet-ups though.

Werweisswohin · 19/08/2024 07:03

Going on holiday with friends often doesn't work out well, even when there doesn't appear to be (an) existing niggle(s) which you're currently aware of.
Just keep confirming that you don't want to go away together, you make your own plans and are quite happy doing that.

Marseillaise · 19/08/2024 07:11

Say no. Suggest she uses what she would have spent to get therapy.

GloriousGoosebumps · 19/08/2024 07:15

I couldn't disagree more with @FinalInstructionstotheAudience, it's because the Op is a good friend that she doesn't want to hurt her friend's feelings. Of course, she doesn't want to sacrifice her annual leave on a holiday she won't enjoy so she's looking for a gentle but effective method of communicating her message. Your abrupt and heavy-handed approach would just cause unnecessary upset.