Friend begging to go on holiday with me, I don't know how to tell her

[lolit]

My friend has bad anxiety and is a "people-pleaser" and I sympathize, but it makes her very difficult to be around for longer than half a day.

For context, her anxiety is so bad that sometimes she misses flights because she has such bad anxiety about missing a flight. I don't even understand how this works but ok

She has been begging me for years to go on holiday with her and I'm running out of excuses. She seems to completely lack self-awareness and says she is a very chill person to go on holiday with.

I don't know how to tell her she is the least chill person I've ever met

Also, you are being just as much of a people pleaser by not being honest about it!!

I agree with telling her- it wont work, you are very anxious about flying and I simply cant cope with someone else's anxiety whilst abroad as I need my holiday to be relaxing.

I've a friend who I won't spend a single minute with on holiday ever again. You're not alone.

Tell her that her anxiety gives you anxiety. Tbh that's what a good friend would do, she probably needs it

I would have thought an anxious person would turn up hours and hours early to ensure they didn't miss the plane? I am genuinely interested - how has she missed planes by being anxious? Like faffing around too much and putting off going?

Tell her that you never now go on holidays with others.
That you did It once and it was a mess.
That it broke the friendship and you promised yourself you would never do it again.
If she asks for details, just say ... No I will not go into it, but I just refuse to repeat it...
Mine was family... told my mum this and I stuck to it.

I used to suffer with terrible anxiety. I wouldn’t have booked a flight if I knew I probably wouldn’t get on it.
I wouldn’t have expected anyone I love to take me on holiday abroad at the time.
If I did go for a break it was in the UK.
If you suffer from really disabling anxiety it is horrible. However, what you don’t do is try and strong arm a good friend to take you abroad, knowing that person has to shoulder it and possibly lose out.
Your friend isn’t trying to people please here, she’s trying to please herself.
She is being manipulative. I’m not sure of her motives but it doesn’t add up.
I would tell her straight because if she’s CF enough to keep going on about this holiday, she can be told why you can’t take her.

Have some experience of terrible anxiety and flying would have been a huge challenge.
I would imagine she may tell herself she’s ok to get on a flight, but at the last minute, can’t do it.
All I can say is she must have the funds because holiday insurance won’t cover it.

Your friend isn’t trying to people please here, she’s trying to please herself
She is being manipulative. I’m not sure of her motives but it doesn’t add up
I would tell her straight because if she’s CF enough to keep going on about this holiday, she can be told why you can’t take her

I had the same thought tbh. The fact she keeps going on about it after you’ve said no doesn’t indicate people pleasing to me at all. It indicates a complete lack of respect for your boundaries. Thats the opposite of people pleasing. It’s actually quite manipulative in my mind!

Just be truthful but kind.

Say I can see where you're coming from, but I'm not sure I'm the right person to be holidaying with as I like to leave early for flights, and need to be able to relax on holiday. I can't afford to be in a situation where we both end up not going on holiday because we miss the flights, as I wouldn't leave you behind if you were running late.

Then suggest a local weekend break instead??? A spa weekend or something similar?

Close friends are honest. I think age helps too. I have two very dear friends who grab life with both hands and love active travel. I refuse almost all their offers of joining in, and join in occasionally on the understanding that I'll have a room by myself and take part in about half of the planned activities. Adults get to choose their own priorities.

How can you miss a flight if you're anxious about kissing a flight? I can't picture it.

I had exactly the same thought. It's not people pleasing. She's trying to get you to go on holiday with her knowing her anxiety may/will cause you problems. I'm wondering if you are able to talk to her about the anxiety being the issue, which it is. Doesn't have to be blunt but it's the elephant in the room.

Ahh OK - so its more to do with anxiety about the flight itself.

"Friends are honest with each other" sounds like a mantra a primary school teacher would trot out to reception class.
Adult friendships are more complicated. Sometimes the truth hurts.

If your friend says "does this outfit make me look fat?" Most people wouldn't just reply "yes because you are fat" because it's "important to be honest" but, if in a changing room try something like "hmm I have to say I don't think that would be a particularly flattering style on anyone" or "you look nice but I much preferred the first dress". And if its somewhere where the person can't go home and change e.g. they're at a wedding, where "being honest" would achieve nothing other than upsetting them and ruining their evening then yes a white lie or dodging the questions "I think you look lovely!" "Your hair looks beautiful" is how a real friend should respond.

Yes OP should be honest inasmuch she should just tell the friend a holiday is not going to happen, rather than "well I've booked everything for this year" or "don't have any annual leave left" that might make her keep hoping for next year, but telling her "no I don't want to go on holiday with you because of your mental health problems" is quite harsh. The woman knows she has anxiety, being brutally honest that it makes her too annoying and hard work to go on holiday with isn't going to magically solve it.
OP knows her friend better than us, if she thinks she could kindly explain that and friend would understand, yes in an ideal world it would be the best solution, but if she thinks friend is not in a place to hear that right now then fudging it by, as posters suggested, framing it as a "her" issue would be kinder.

I’d just state that you simply don’t go on holiday with friends as there is a high likelihood of it damaging a good friendship. I never have - I have some lovely friends but they and their kids, like me and mine, are quite high maintenance. It has disaster written all over it.

Yes, this.

She sounds like one of those "sensitive" people who are very sensitive to their own feelings, but not actually sensitive to other people's.

I have a friend who has bad anxiety. I actually find her very selfish, everything is about accommodating her. For example, expects to be driven home because she won't get a cab on her own, which means someone can't have a drink on a night out. She doesn't drink.

Won't engage in therapy and critical of other's using it as a 'crutch'. I have distanced myself now as I don't want her affecting me. I certainly wouldn't sacrifice a holiday for her but feel sad for her as I'm know her family are affected by her behaviours.

If she is so anxious about going on holiday she needs to stop going on holiday.

Yep you described her perfectly

I would say no, but I think some of the examples on here are harsh. My take would be more like, "Sounds like fun, hope you have a good time, but it's not for me". I would avoid giving reasons because some people try to negotiate one's rationale. So if she asks for your reasons I would say that it's just not something I want to do, i.e. keep grey rocking it. Try to change the subject. If she doesn't let go then say you need to get on with the rest of your plans for the day and end the chat.

I wont go on holiday with one friend ever again omg she was none stop talk about her kids how she missed them how they must feel.
The whole week was none stop calls back home and talk about the kids.
I now only go with my sister or my childless friends.
And my back pack.
I was warned about her but fuck i didnt think she was that bad it was the most boring week of my life.
My holidays are about fun sex eating out looking at the sights night life.
Not sitting on the sand talking about home life and in bed at 10.

I think that's a bit harsh

Personally if my finances and life situation allowed I'd suggest a UK city break for a weekend as a starting point and see how that works out.

Yeah, she's the very opposite of a 'people-pleaser' if she keeps begging you to go on holiday when you've repeatedly said no. She sounds extremely needy.

Yes, that's why I put it in quotes. She is one of those people who considers herself a people-pleaser, but is actually very needy and not considerate of other people's wants and needs at all.

She thinks that apologizing 50 times and going on about feeling bad just because she couldn't make my birthday party makes her a people-pleaser, but actually it's really annoying