Friend begging to go on holiday with me, I don't know how to tell her

[lolit]

My friend has bad anxiety and is a "people-pleaser" and I sympathize, but it makes her very difficult to be around for longer than half a day.

For context, her anxiety is so bad that sometimes she misses flights because she has such bad anxiety about missing a flight. I don't even understand how this works but ok

She has been begging me for years to go on holiday with her and I'm running out of excuses. She seems to completely lack self-awareness and says she is a very chill person to go on holiday with.

I don't know how to tell her she is the least chill person I've ever met

This! I was just going to post a how refreshing not to see a "well you're clearly not her friend/don't like her very much, for not capitulating and doing whatever she wants" post then along came that!

Best thing I find is to lie. Every time I told the truth, I got into trouble. I am married with dc. I have a friend, who is single by choice (not divorced, not dumped) and constantly asks me to go on holiday with her, because she just does not understand. She always asks other family people to go on holiday with her and despite saying that 'she is independent, lives her own company, does not want people around her' she relies heavily on other people, often family people, to provide her with companionship and entertainment. She does not see what she is doing and instead of telling her straight, I always lie. Just invent a reason why I can't.

I did not advocate heavy-handed and brutal, ffs. Nothing I said indicated that, i was just honest
A friend can find ways of having an honest conversation kindly and gently. That's what good friends do.
Would you always lie to your friends?

"I'm sorry, but travelling with other people makes me anxious. It's an extra responsibility, however chilled they are. I don't want to have to think of anyone other than myself on holiday"

I have noticed that people who profess to be 'extremely relaxed' about holidays, travels, eating out etc often turn out to be extremely unrelaxed about everything.

Maybe the friend is hurting the op's feelings but not knowing the word no, or doesn't the op's feelings matter?

I think it depends on your relationship.

With some of my friends I could say “OMG Jane, I love you to bits but the very idea of trying to catch a plane with you would have me anxious for weeks and I would be the non chilled one. We work best in bars and coffee shops “ (and they could say similar to me. One did about a different and factual aspect of my potential holiday behaviour).

Do you go on holiday with other friends? If so harder to say “I’m just not looking to go with anyone else, I need to do my own thing”

I think you need to tell her.

It's a lovely idea but I think the reality would be that it would be quite stressful to go on holiday together

If she pushes you can explain that you're just different people and would most likely run each other up the wrong way?

Are you worried she will fall out with you?

I think it depends on your relationship

Very much so. There are friends I could be honest with (kindly obv) and they'd take it on the chin and other friends I know would ruminate about it for weeks no matter how kindly or sensitively it was expressed.

Only you know which she is, if she cant handle the truth then simply say "No, I cant. I dont have the spare money/annual leave right now and I prefer holidaying alone". Thats it. You dont need to go into massive detail or justifications.

If she can handle the truth then say "you know I love you, but your anxiety has caused you to miss flights before so I dont think it's a good idea for our friendship. I know its not your fault but I dont think its wise, maybe we could go on a day trip instead?"

Either version, why dont you suggest a day trip instead as a compromise?

"Stop going on about us going on holiday. It's not going to happen.'

I would imagine so- imagine if they booked a holiday, spent money, booked annual leave and then she was too anxious and missed the flight. That would seriously piss me off and I'd be kicking myself for having agreed to that and it would damage their friendship. Yes, it's not her "fault" she has anxiety but this is a disaster waiting to happen if she is so anxious she cant get on a plane. It could seriously ruin their entire friendship.

Dont cave OP- there have been enough posts on here about nightmare holidays with friends without all these warning signs as it is. Its a shame but going on holiday with someone who is that anxious and unable to self reflect will be awful.

This, but very gently. ‘Let’s stick to nights out/coffee/whatever you normally do’ with a non tinkly laugh. ‘We’d drive each other nuts on holiday’ and when she protests that it would be fine, just shut her down ‘No, I said I won’t’.

How can you be so anxious about missing a flight that you miss it 😂

You'd think she would get there too early if anything.

You'll just have to be blunt about it - ask her what kind of holiday she fancies and when she tells you, say "that really doesn't appeal to me I'm afraid".

My sister similarly wants to come on holiday with me. We have to do an anxiety wee on an hours car journey. No way am I going abroad with her.

She hasn't asked me for a while now, since the last time she brought it up. I told her bluntly that i would never go on holiday with her, due to all her anxieties. That I wouldn't be able to cope with her quirks and that it would be a special sort of hell on earth for me. She tried to protest that she's fine once she gets there. I told her I'd never be taking that chance, as I'd have killed her on the way to the airport.

No apologies. Just bluntness.

"No is a complete sentence" hasn't worked in the several years she's been asking. Bluntness and honesty did.

I don't know how to tell her she is the least chill person I've ever met

The easiest way to tell her that is to say, next time she mentions it: 'Seriously? You are the least chill person I've ever met! And I am not going on holiday with you, because I like to relax on holidays.'

What's going to happen? She's going to spontaneously combust from being confronted with the truth? You're going to blush to death from saying how you actually feel and stating an observable reality? Just tell her.

This is the correct way to go about it I think.

@FinalInstructionstotheAudience , I suspect that you would say that I lie to my friends, however, I would say that at worse I'm massaging the truth to ensure that the person I speaking to doesn't become so defensive or angry that they don't hear the message. So maybe a bit of a lie but for good reasons.

As for your original message, I'm happy to accept that I misunderstood the tone of the message. See what I did there? but seriously, sometimes a poster's tone doesn't come across as intended it's a drawback with the written word.

Next time she brings it up, just say that going on holiday with other people - no matter who it is - makes you feel incredibly anxious and stressed out, which ruins the point of the holiday, so it's only a holiday for you if you can go alone and not have to worry about anyone else.

If she pushes it, then you can remind her of the above, and point out that it won't be a holiday for you, you won't enjoy it, and so the answer is no.

Because social cues.

"I'm sorry I can't because xyz" means no.

"I'm sorry I can't because xyz, but let's make plans for next year" means I can't but I want to.

I think I'd go for something like 'you're not the best traveller and I think it would stress me out, so I'd rather not.'

I have a friend who has to drink to get on a plane, throws up on planes, is incapable of working out an itinerary (timetables etc), is scared of big cities and relies on being guided around. Will I hell ever go on holiday with her, I find it painful enough when she is just visiting my city, much as I enjoy her company when we are actually peacefully sitting down to dinner etc.

"I am off to Mogadishu for my holidays, you still interested?"

Yeah the truth is the only way. Friend, you aren’t chill though, you’ve talked to me a lot about your anxiety so it’s not a good idea. I need to relax on holiday- we are just too different to make this work.

I actually think she needs a reality check, it might spur her on to take action for her own benefit which could help her.

I don't know how to tell her she is the least chill person I've ever met

I always find it is best to "use your words".

"Sorry Doris, you are the least relaxed person to be around and I will never go on holiday with you" should do it.

Just tell her, stop being such a martyr.