It’s becoming unfashionable to have kids

[Housebuyingfamily]

Birth rates are on the floor which people frame as, people would have more kids were it not for the cost of them or climate change, etc etc. But I feel like it’s now more than this. As if we have a global child-free culture that’s growing every day and it’s becoming increasingly “unfashionable” to have kids, even looked down upon.

Child free women aren't saying they think these things are beneath them. We simply don't want kids.

And I'm sure most parents on this board are hoping there children won't be working as carers wiping butts for minimum wage, so presumably you'll be hoping it's someone else's child wiping your bum if you're in a care home too.

This is what I think is so important. People keep criticising the decision not to have children with reference to the future “who will look after you?!?!”

But nobody wants to discuss the impact to the child of being raised by poor parents who are poor parents because they never wanted them.

One of my closest friends is childfree. She and her only sibling (a sister) are childfree because they had a terrible mother who spent the entirety of their childhood telling them “never have kids. NEVER HAVE KIDS. They f@*k up your life”.

Imagine being told that by your primary carer on a regular basis and imagine the impact it would have on your self-esteem. I don’t think we should ever be pressuring people to have kids if they don’t want them and instead find ways to support those who do want children to have the family size they desire.

Yes but the world has flipped on it's head... nowadays it seems men would rather they didn't have kids because it means the woman's earning power would reduce and they'd be expected to step up.

The human / animal dichotomy is blurred. Dogs and cats are called Furbabies - a term I hate. Human babies are treated as disposable. A woman becomes unexpectedly pregnant and the first question is ‘will she keep it’ (the depersonalised “it”) as if he or she is a slightly inconvenient puppy that can be easily got rid of. Which of course, in our culture, is obscenely true.

Exactly.

I met up with 3 friends recently. All of them mothers but me. And for the record they love their kids.

All of them said to me a variation of, 'I love my kids...but don't do it.'

I wouldn’t say it’s unfashionable, I just think that society is at a point now where people feel they have the choice and there is less pressure. It’s become a decision you make as a couple rather than a given that you will have children. I believe it can only be a good thing if it prevents those who never really had a desire for children to feel they can voice that without judgement.

I do have children but I absolutely wanted them. Most friends I have don’t have children and are also very happy with their lives, some had children and have really struggled. Parenting is hard and definitely not for everyone!

@JamSandle Of course it should be a choice and doesn’t suit everyone.

I was just pointing out that parenting isn’t hard work forever. I’m sure that your parents enjoy your company nowadays and take pleasure from your achievements?

I don’t know what you mean by unfashionable. Are you implying people have babies as a fashion statement?

I have four DC, but am incredibly cool 😂

I also have two dogs!

My mum is dad and my dad's an alcoholic. So no.

Mammals have a biological urge to mate/have sex. Apart from humans, I don’t think they think much about what the result of that is likely to be.

I dont think its "unfashionable",

humans are designed to reproduce.

the only issue is I think its just too damn scary to bring children up these days. This cost of living crisis doesnt help either.

I also have a theory the ‘teenage pregnancy’ message was so hammered home in the 90s/00s, you have a whole generation of people absolutely terrified that having a kid will completely ruin their life.

You spend people’s formative years telling them the worst possible thing they could do is have a baby, then are surprised when they don’t want kids.

*dead

I think calling it “fashionable” is doing an incredible disservice to people who’ve made an informed choice to be childfree. It reduces their decisions to a shallow whim. It’s not the same as not wearing a coat, fgs.

Might be one of those instances where a non-mainstream idea gets an iota of attention and people start claiming it’s “taking over”!

That is true in my case. My widowed mother (living with dementia) is in a care home in another country. Me and all her other dcs (my siblings) live abroad from her. My mother says she likes her friends in the home, which is a residential-like setting with full time on-site carers and other elderly residents.

However, despite being far away, us kids still support her every way we can. I manage her finances. My brother manages her medical care. We visit her with our families when we can (at least once a year), facetime her, ask the care home how she is doing and her condition, buy her supplies and fave foods. There are elderly residents living in the home who do not have family like my mother has.

Emotionally and qualitatively, family even if far away does make a difference. Flesh and blood counts. Cannot speak for other family dynamics of course.

Me too, got let down badly by a bloke and never recovered enough to trust another to have kids with. But its amazing how people have judged my circumstances since - been mis accused of being gay a few times for being single and childless

The UK (and indeed virtually every developed country) birth rate is falling for multiple reasons, I don’t really think fashion is much to with it OP.

Yes, you have lots of teens/ twenty somethings online and in RL saying they’d never have kids due the the environment/ carbon footprint, but I suspect it’s also emotional too - most people felt that way at that age as children seemed far too big a commitment! Time will tell if they all still feel that way in their thirties when their biological clocks really start ticking.

Anecdotally as a woman in her early 40’s with an only child (IVF baby), I’ve met a lot of women in a similar boat to me - they are either childless (not by choice) or they only have the one child due to secondary infertility or because they can’t afford it financially. High cost of living and starting too late fertility-wise (due to careers or not finding the right partner) are the main reasons for people having fewer or no children imo.

Even with all that said though, again anecdotally I still find the most commonplace thing is for people to have had 2 children by their late thirties. 3 or more children is definitely less commonplace than it used to be though, unless in mixed/step families.

The whole of society is geared to people with children. Women especially are looked down upon if they have no children. More common, a little, fashionable no.

People forget its likely in future than euthanasia will be legalised. If I become unwell and am alone, i don't plan to sit in a care home. I will sign up for euthanasia and go gently.

I am sure the other elderly residents find a way to make it work though.

Parents are now expected to sacrifice their entire lives for their kids but the kids are not expected to show any gratitude to, or care for, their parents. So having children is a mug's game.

But this is what happens with newly co-habiting couples. They start off with getting a pet as a joint commitment, before going on to have children a few years down the line. I did this when I married, years ago. Got a couple of cats with my dh before going on to have dc four or five years later.

@HowIrresponsible That’s very sad, your poor friend.

But that’s not the case for the vast majority of parents, is it? Your parents were lucky, as mine were and I am. To suggest that becoming a parent inevitably leads to this isn’t realistic.

Lots of parents have to do a lot more work for kids into adulthood though.

Whether disability, divorce, single parenthood, addiction, mental illness.

Being a parent is forever.

Oh yes I get people questioning my sexuality constantly too!

And other female friends have had the same. Apparently a childless unmarried woman can only be that way because she is a closeted lesbian! (Same as you my childless self was due to lack of a suitable partner and no desire to take up any of the partnering options that were available to me. And I don’t date because dating is The Ghetto so that’s that!)

I understand being unable to trust again too. A friend of mine from uni met her fella at uni and thought he was The One. Travelling together, purchasing homes and planning marriage till he completely betrayed her and broke her heart and she never recovered enough to date again. So she remained single and childless.