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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

It’s becoming unfashionable to have kids

934 replies

Housebuyingfamily · 18/08/2024 19:56

Birth rates are on the floor which people frame as, people would have more kids were it not for the cost of them or climate change, etc etc. But I feel like it’s now more than this. As if we have a global child-free culture that’s growing every day and it’s becoming increasingly “unfashionable” to have kids, even looked down upon.

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Firefly1987 · 24/08/2024 00:36

@Autumnismyfavouritetimeofyear everyday I thank my lucky stars I've never had that urge and been "desperate" for kids. I genuinely feel SO lucky and free from what I can only assume is an all consuming need with the way some women talk/act. Sounds like a curse. Poor kids tho. I don't really understand it because if I wanted kids I feel like choosing a decent father for them is the most important thing you can do. Not just pick the first one that comes along at the right time or settle for one that treats you like crap.

JenniferBooth · 24/08/2024 00:41

KimberleyClark · 23/08/2024 06:31

I was a bit horrified last night when I saw a trailer for a programme called Bad Boyfriends I think it is where young women were attempting to reform their shitty boyfriends. They should be kicking them into touch. Why do young women value themselves so little?

Oh YES I saw the same trailer and said EXACTLY the same to OM And he agreed.

maaarnie · 24/08/2024 01:13

It’s not about being fashionable, but I do get your point. It’s a good thing, surely. How wonderful is it that for the first time really in social history, women have a proper choice — no obligation, no expectation.

I am 28 and whilst I am a naturally maternal person, I have given children thought for many years and have decided I am unsure (so many factors; overpopulation of the planet, cost of living to name a couple) and know that if I do have one, it won’t be for many more years after even more thought. Isn’t that a good way to go about it, to be really and truly sure?

Also - what’s with the comments from previous posters judging young couples with pets? So bizarre. I got a puppy a few years ago and that genuinely helped me realise what a commitment and responsibility is all about. I think that’s a great thing to do long before a child.

Layllahh · 25/08/2024 21:18

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asbestosmouth24 · 31/08/2024 13:42

SweetBirdsong · 22/08/2024 14:01

Yep, and tbh, whilst I know 2 childfree women - in their 50s and 60s (one widowed, one single for 20+ years) who are quite lonely, and are a bit afraid of being alone and struggling in their old age, I do know another 2 who are very happy, with a large group of friends, and an active social life.

I also know 4 or 5 people in their 60s and 70s who have children, and they have little or no relationship with them. The children left the town they grew up in (or even left the country,) and they're lucky if they see them once a year. They won't be stepping up and caring for them when they need help and care.

I also knew a lady who lived near me (she died aged 88 two years ago,) and she had five children. 4 sons and a daughter. Just have a guess who ended up having to care for her when she got elderly and infirm and couldn't drive anymore, and had to drive her around everywhere? Yep,the daughter!

The FOUR SONS, FOUR of them - 2 older and 2 younger than the daughter - couldn't be fucked to even visit her more than 2 or 3 times a year. So if she had not had the daughter, she'd have had no-one (probably!) Her DH died when she was in her 50s.

Same with another older lady I know (late 60s) 2 sons both in their 40s, and neither of them keep in touch with her or visit her. Like fuck will they be coming to help if she needs it.

Of course SOME people have good or great relationships with their children, and they do care for them/help them when they're older. (DH and I have a great relationship with ours fortunately - and they live not too far away, and I am fairly sure they will be there if we need them when we're older...) But it's not a given that if you have children that they will care for you when you get old and infirm, or indeed that they will be anywhere near you at all!

yes I knew you were going to say it was the daughter that became the only carer as it always is. I myself am that daughter. I solely care for my elderly parent who has dementia whilst brother doesn't even pick up the phone to speak to them.He has no Interest in our parent whatsoever. It's a shame as they always had a good relationship when parent was well. I know db will soon be around when they pass away to see what money he can't get his hands on.

Birthdayplanner91 · 31/08/2024 17:09

I'm a fence sitter at 28 years old. I can get misty eyed at the thought of coming home from hospital with a baby, becoming a family, announcing pregnancy to family etc. However, the day to day grind, practicalities, energy and commitment it takes, the intensity of that relationship... most days I think I just don't want to. I expect quite a lot of people think the same.

As for the overall trend, I don't actually think it's about money, childcare, and careers. I think it's simply that women (and men) just don't want to do it and there are so many people without kids, that people don't feel unusual or alone anymore.

Having kids is no longer seen as culturally significant and something that's longed for, I think that's the main shift.

KimberleyClark · 31/08/2024 17:15

If people are no longer having kids "because it's just what you do" that can only be a good thing.

LavenderHaze19 · 31/08/2024 17:36

I definitely think there’s been a mindset shift in the sense that young women in particular seem to be contemplating it more as an active choice rather than something that’s expected of them. And I also think people are much more open about the downsides of parenting now. I think that’s a really good thing.

BruFord · 31/08/2024 18:33

LavenderHaze19 · 31/08/2024 17:36

I definitely think there’s been a mindset shift in the sense that young women in particular seem to be contemplating it more as an active choice rather than something that’s expected of them. And I also think people are much more open about the downsides of parenting now. I think that’s a really good thing.

@LavenderHaze19 I agree with you. My DD (19) hasn’t decided yet whether she’ll have children or not- she definitely views it as a decision that she’ll make, not an assumption/social expectation. That’s very healthy and I’m glad that women now feel empowered to do that and that we have so many contraceptive choices available.

I also think that Gen Z have learnt from the myth that “having it all” is easy that my generation was sold. Balancing a family with your career isn’t easy, it’s bloomin’ hard work! You should do it if YOU really want children, not because other ppl tell you to.

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