It’s becoming unfashionable to have kids

[Housebuyingfamily]

Birth rates are on the floor which people frame as, people would have more kids were it not for the cost of them or climate change, etc etc. But I feel like it’s now more than this. As if we have a global child-free culture that’s growing every day and it’s becoming increasingly “unfashionable” to have kids, even looked down upon.

We appreciate it but also appreciate there is nothing to be done. You cannot force people to have more children.

No I'm not saying that at all. Nor am I blaming anyone or castigating those who don't have children for whatever reason. Society has changed. It is interesting. A middle aged adult today will have parents from the much older generation who often comes from big families and therefore have larger extended families but this will soon be a thing of the past. They are seeing this happen in china now due to the one child policy. You can acknowledge this and find it interesting without proportioning blame.

I've known since my early teens that I never wanted children. Some people do just know.

If you want more women to become mothers, then remove some of the mother-load.

The amazing thing isn't that so many women are opting out, it's that there are women who still want to have children at all in the society that we've created.

The best alternative (and probably the best we can hope for at this stage) is a managed demographic decline.

Point is children have their own lives, they may move away etc. I know loads of Brits in Oz who left elderly parents behind in the UK. In person support is therefore not possible.

That's fine. I was just asking what you would do if you found yourself in the position of not having family.

There is nothing bizarre about it. Just my own life experience that most of the people I knew who were adamantly ChildFree in their 20s went on to have planned kids in their 30s+.

I don’t say anything. I don’t insist “you’re wrong”. I just silently wait to see if they have the same view when older. (I also do advise people to think carefully about whether the decisions they are making today will suit the person they will be in 10/20 years time).

And to be clear I myself also don’t have children.

JHound
Of course not. For obvious reasons.

It’s not “condescension” it’s life experience. It’s very easy to say you don’t want children when you are surrounded by others living their young, single, childfree life. It’s a very different experience when you are older and surrounded by couples with children. I am probably older than you and can assert that of the women I know who were adamantly not wanting to ever have children in their 20s precious few chose to remain so in the 30s.

You still don't get it, it's nothing to do with age or life experience. Some of us have always known we never wanted kids and have never had this biological urge/need or desire to have kids. Absolutely nothing, it's missing and I'm 35.

I'm from a massive family, loads of younger siblings and cousins I have plenty of experience looking after kids and seeing people with them. I still don't feel anything. I've never once in my life looked at a newborn or a child of any age and felt like I needed or wanted one. I can appreciate if they are cute, or have funny endearing personalities but I just feel nothing about having one.

Maybe it's an evolutionary thing and some of us are meant to feel nothing about having children so that the world has taken longer than it could have to overpopulate? Also allows families to have more children if some of us have none? I don't know but imagine if every single woman on earth had a child or multiple children where would we be then? I have absolutely no idea why I don't have any urge to have kids and don't understand this feeling of "need" others have, just like people that need to have them will never be able to understand how I feel.

ETA bold quote

What could I do? Keep going and carry on. Unfortunately my parents died young and lots of my extended family have now passed away...I am also an introvert and not brilliant at making friends and putting myself out there. Even though I do have some great friends, I find vast majority, even the childfree ones, are hugely busy with their family..by family I mean grandparents, parents, siblings, other extended family and relatives. I wonder if the next generations may be more open to friendships which are closer as family size dwindles.

Your comment is interesting. I always wanted children but only if I was married. Never married so never had kids. But like you I never had a desire to raise children.

I am not a nurturer - never have been, never will be and have no natural nurturing tendencies. When I became old and realised if I wanted to make kids happen some decisions would have to be made I realised that the driving reason for me still wanting them was

1. Curiositiy (about pregnancy and also to see what kind of child I would create)

2. Concern about who would help me when I was 80.

But I never had any desire to be involved in the daily care and development of a child. In light of that I felt my reasons were not good enough to settle for men who, while nice, I was not attracted to and had zero interest in being around.

So accepted kids were not for me.

I'm from a massive family, loads of younger siblings and cousins

@BeansOnToast32 I wonder if the fact you come from a big family means you have the security and company of lots of relatives and therefore are more secure in your choice to not have children?

When you say die alone what does that mean? Having children won’t prevent you dying alone.

So the point of you creating this thread becomes clear.

To belittle those without children. Not everybody who has children feels the way you do. Instead of pitying people for having a different life to you - why not just enjoy your life and stop needing others to validate your choices? Somebody else not having children does not impact you.

(And what an absolutely disgusting post for those struggling with infertility to have to see.)

half of their heart, their human capacity to feel and experience the world will never be opened up.

Could you be any more insulting?

Just because I don't have a child I don't have the capacity to love wholeheartedly?

What a fucking nasty post.

Birth rates are falling across the entire planet. The only region that is currently bucking the trend is sub-Saharan Africa and even then not in every country.

But having children doesn't mean you won't be lonely, just as growing up with lots of cousins or having lots of aunts and uncles doesn't mean you'll be close when you're all grown up.

Look at all the threads on here from people whose adult children have moved to the other end of the country, or to Australia, or who live round the corner but only bother to drop in at Christmas.

I mean, DH is from a big family, but until his mum died earlier in the year, he had a sister he hadn't seen or spoken to in a decade, and she lives about 300 metres from us. I also have loads of aunts, uncles and cousins but I've seen precisely one of them in the last six years.

I'm much closer to the people I've chosen to have in my life.

Friends will become the new family. This is already the case in some communities (especially optically LGBTQ communities.)

I find, interestingly, because I am a childless woman, I have restructured my friendship circles so most of my friends are also other childfree / childless women. Makes it easier.

I think seeing what it takes I decided it's not for me.

I'm also an introvert, I'm happy with my own company I've never been someone that enjoys being round people. I like to chill out in the evenings, watch my favourite tv shows, walk the dog, read in peace with the dog asleep on my knee. I also love routine and knowing that when I've done whatever I need to do that day then I can chill out and do whatever I want without answering to anyone. It's the way I've always been, probably sounds like hell for extroverts but I love it.

As a child I'd go to the library every week, get my maximum amount of books and sit in my bedroom and read, I obviously had fun times with my siblings too but I just prefer my own company.

A child is not compatible with any of this. I also might be from a massive family but I don't go around visiting often or anything now that I'm older. I feel like I spent that much time being forced to be around lots of people as a child that now I can choose I mostly keep to myself.

ETA

I also keep saying things like “not choosing” to have kids, I would and have chosen not to have them because it’s not compatible but it’s more than that because I still have no feeling of “need” or “desire” to have kids if that makes sense? I don’t feel like it’s 100% my choice if I don’t feel anything?

Perhaps if I felt the “NEED” to have them I might have had them? Who knows? All I know is they aren’t compatible with how I like to live and at the same time I don’t have a biological urge either so it feels like the decision has been made for me.

It's not a guarantee no, but having family usually gives you roots, stability and the feeling that if the shit hits the fan, someone will step up for you. Not always, but having family gives you more of a chance than not having a family.

I was surprised to learn this, they will soon be a shortage of working age people, I don't think we have fully grasped the implications of this.

I am not saying CF don’t exist. Not once!

I am just saying I take people expressing the desire to be CF more seriously when they are older for the reasons stated.

The thing is having lots of babies to combat the challenges of an aging population is basically a huge pyramid scheme....

I get it. Evidently some of the people who are CF young remain so.

Many others do not. So if a young person tells me they don’t want kids I just say “that’s nice”.

And wait to see what happens once they hit their 30s.

I am from a large family and honestly it made no difference to me when contemplating which life path I would take and decided that the best options for me would be the ones that unfortunately resulted in me not having children.

I think we all know the implications but when people make childbirth decisions “societal impact” is generally not a consideration.