To think contact time is for my ex not his parents?

[brownbanana30]

Hi I’ve posted here before and asked some other questions but NC just to make less identifiable.

My ex and I split up when I was pregnant, he was adamant didn’t want the baby, threatened suicide etc etc.

Notified when DC born, denied paternity, had to go to CMS, sporadic contact every 4-6 weeks…

When DC was around 6 months old he apologised for his behaviour and begged for another chance which I gave (blamed MH, said I was the love of his life, I know it sounds silly and I should never have given another chance given the above but it’s too late now). Not living together as a lot to work through but spoken about that if things were going well we would buy together (his idea).

Began to spend time together as a family and couple/including with his family. Holidays and trips away together. ExDp works away so I did a lot of travelling while on my maternity leave in order to facilitate the contact/our relationship.

Started to notice after a while (been almost a year) that it felt like it was myself doing all the running around, and that often when exDP had time off he was spending it doing what he wanted/with friends/going out rather than being together as a family, which felt odd.

After querying the status of the relationship he said that he didn’t consider us to be together and completely rewrote history.

I decided from that point that I would no longer be a pretend girlfriend, and would not be travelling to him/giving him sex/bringing his child to him/pretending to be a family/or sending him daily texts and photos about his child given we are not together.

I asked him which set days he would like his child but he won’t commit to anything due to working away, says “we” (him, his mum and dad) want DC on an ad hoc basis due to his work, and that I’m being really inflexible. I want stability for DC and also myself as I work full time. I don’t think it’s fair for him to rock up week by week and decide what suits him and his work. DC attends nursery locally so I can work and is very happy and settled.

ExDP now says he is taking me to court and will be asking for an ad hoc arrangement and that he will be given this due to the nature of his work. An “exception” he has called it. Apparently a solicitor has told him this. He says if it’s a no he will have set days however his parents will be having DC due to his work.

I will be speaking to a family solicitor but AIBU to think that contact time is for my ex to see DC and not his parents?

God how complicated.

His comment about two schools however just shows how out of touch he is 🙄.

You don't have to give in to whatever he wants, certainly not straight away. Once you get to court make a reasonable offer - building up time is reasonable. EOW is reasonable. Start from that basis. Or keep it casual, agree in mediation and don't get a CAO.

You don't have to agree to anything right now.

What sort of work away does he do? I was cabin crew and many colleagues had to have their parents help if they were flying on their childcare days. Lots had very flexible exes who would change days for them to have their children when they were home, but it was arranged well ahead (perhaps 4-6 weeks ahead).

It’s easy to say you think contact time should be just for the ex and you want set days, but I can understand his side of the argument because I’ve worked odd shifts. And surely you’re going to have people/parents look after your kids sometimes when they’re with you…

If he’s not on the bc then just don’t let him have any contact.

Exactly. My DH's ex tries to sync the DSC's times with her boyfriend's kid's times. It's a nightmare. Thankfully we're flexible and civil but even so DH has had to say no to a swap as sometimes we've booked to go away with the kids and don't want to cancel holiday for her partners kids. Then Christmas she gets ridiculous and tries to not have her kids if he hasn't good got his kids. It's all a bit much.

I know for a face that no judge will force you to do anyhing while you are BF.

@quickturtle it's not my bfs kids (I don't have a bf!), it's my children, my DC siblings?

We all live together, my youngest DC has more of a relationship with her siblings then her Dad. They have been here her whole life, we live in the same house

All I was stating was that I would like 2 weekends a month of family time with all my children, quality time together, my elder ones go to the Dads every other weekend. Surely that isn't too much to ask to have some quality time as a family when I'm running around after the kids and working all week.

He isn't but I didn't want to come across unreasonable in the long run by denying contact because he's not on the BC.

I'm using my experience to try and highlight that yes that sounds ideal but just be prepared that especially as the kids get older you can't expect everyone's schedules to sync with yours. The dad of your eldest kids isn't going to want his schedule tied to the dad of your younger kids

Well, he's not being very reasonable though, is he? A court is always going to look at what is best for the child. DC has stability and routines with you and she hardly knows her father or his parents. You have never discouraged them from having a relationship, he's the one who hasn't made an effort. He doesn't seem invested at all so I doubt he would take you to court but even if he did it's not him the judge is there to satisfy, it's the DC's wellbeing so I wouldn't get too stressed out about it if I were you.

They really will. Another poster on here was instructed to leave her curtains open so her ex could look into her house.

A close relative’s ex’s solicitor instructed her to submit her private medical records going back to 2014, with specific referral to her PTSD (which was caused by the ex breaking into her house in the middle of the night and attacking her). Also demanded she provide information relating to an abortion she had at 17, 10 years before she even met the ex.

They will write whatever is asked.

Pretty aure wht he's saying is he will have the child on the days he has agreed...if he's working those days then his parents will have the child because his work schedule changes weekly. It means you're still able to plan around this and have set days. When he has the baby anyway he could wsily spend it all day and night and his mums and told not be any wiser.

but why is he not on the birth certificate? Did he refuse to sign it?

I doubt you would be seen as unreasonable for not letting someone with no parental responsibility have contact with a child.

Unless there are serious abuse issues I don't see how it is any of your business what he does in his time, you chose to have a child with him you must realise he can see the child

He a piece of trash.
I would go to mediation.

Absolutely nothing wrong with that. When do you expect them to see the children if it's not on his time?

I am not convinced he will take you too court, l think he’s saying it to try to upset and control you. The court will look at the best interest of the child rather than him. You need to get a CMS claim back in

Im amused by the special and different status your ex thinks he has 🤣 The 2 schools thing is especially delusional

I also agree they will put all kinds of random stuff in letters. Doesn’t mean you have to follow it though

As others have pointed out, the courts will focus on what’s best for the child. Unless he is proveably a shit father, then it’s in your DDs best interest to have a relationship with him (and his family). It’s also in your DDs best interest to have a degree of stability.
I would suggest that you think about having something like he can have DD after nursery 1 evening a week for 2 hours to take her for tea. That day could be flexible depending on his work commitments but you would require a week’s notice in order to notify nursery and make arrangements. Then he has her for 1 day EOW, either a Saturday or a Sunday. Collect at 9am, return at 6pm. Again, you would require a week’s notice as to which day he’s having her. These arrangements to be reviewed after 6 months with a view to including 1 overnight stay EOW. Whether it’s him or his parents that look after DD is really out of your control.
If he’s as shit a dad as it sounds, this won’t last very long!

Generally shift work or unpredictable work such as in TV isn't granted ad hoc arrangements, I doubt that'd fly but if it went to court every other weekend would be almost definitely. Although it might seem weird for his parents to be the main carers, there isn't anything against this, neither parent has to prove they'll actually be with the parent for x% of their days.

Why not simply suggest he let's you know when dc starts nursery /school part time in his area then you can sort out a proper schedule... Leave him to it op. He is nuts.

I agree. The judge was scathing in his response to this request.

@Thunderboltandlightningveryveryfrightening - "A solicitor told my exh and took his money to write a letter to me demanding I remove my new blinds as they prevented him seeing into my home."

OMG! I had to read that twice. I can't believe the entitled CFery of him. Well done for getting out of that relatioinship!

OP are any of your other children under 11?

As he cannot ask you to implement a contact schedule that means you can't care for them especially if it is a prior arrangement.

So for example if you go to their dad to hand them over or pick them up at a particular time as that's what you have agreed while he can come to you to drop off/pick up your child it would have to be at a different time.

Also if you youngest child's father is staff rather than freelance there is no reason he can't ask for fixed days that he doesn't work. This means he can work every other weekend when he doesn't have your child and even randomly on a Saturday/Sunday as long as he has someone else to look after your joined child.

He tried to get me arrested for assault. He had tried to keep his foot in my doorway to prevent me shutting the door... I shut it... He claimed a scratch under his eye was done by me. At the time I had those big false nails...would have left more than the obviously self inflicted nick... I honestly told the police at the station if I was going to assault him I would have used a pan...... No charge was made against me.