To think contact time is for my ex not his parents?

[brownbanana30]

Hi I’ve posted here before and asked some other questions but NC just to make less identifiable.

My ex and I split up when I was pregnant, he was adamant didn’t want the baby, threatened suicide etc etc.

Notified when DC born, denied paternity, had to go to CMS, sporadic contact every 4-6 weeks…

When DC was around 6 months old he apologised for his behaviour and begged for another chance which I gave (blamed MH, said I was the love of his life, I know it sounds silly and I should never have given another chance given the above but it’s too late now). Not living together as a lot to work through but spoken about that if things were going well we would buy together (his idea).

Began to spend time together as a family and couple/including with his family. Holidays and trips away together. ExDp works away so I did a lot of travelling while on my maternity leave in order to facilitate the contact/our relationship.

Started to notice after a while (been almost a year) that it felt like it was myself doing all the running around, and that often when exDP had time off he was spending it doing what he wanted/with friends/going out rather than being together as a family, which felt odd.

After querying the status of the relationship he said that he didn’t consider us to be together and completely rewrote history.

I decided from that point that I would no longer be a pretend girlfriend, and would not be travelling to him/giving him sex/bringing his child to him/pretending to be a family/or sending him daily texts and photos about his child given we are not together.

I asked him which set days he would like his child but he won’t commit to anything due to working away, says “we” (him, his mum and dad) want DC on an ad hoc basis due to his work, and that I’m being really inflexible. I want stability for DC and also myself as I work full time. I don’t think it’s fair for him to rock up week by week and decide what suits him and his work. DC attends nursery locally so I can work and is very happy and settled.

ExDP now says he is taking me to court and will be asking for an ad hoc arrangement and that he will be given this due to the nature of his work. An “exception” he has called it. Apparently a solicitor has told him this. He says if it’s a no he will have set days however his parents will be having DC due to his work.

I will be speaking to a family solicitor but AIBU to think that contact time is for my ex to see DC and not his parents?

Is it right though that DC spends every other weekend with his parents as a permanent thing?

Like I'd understand if it was every so often but if that's the permanent arrangement it just wasn't sitting right with me? I'd just have expected that he needed to do the majority of the child care?

Like his parents don't have parental responsibility... so if they turn up to collect my child every other weekend, I'd need to hand over? Would a court order that? Dad isn't on the BC but I know if he seeks it it will happen,

My DC has been to the parents house 3 or 4 times in their whole life.

Offer him EOW with right to first refusal so if DC won't be spending any time with his Dad he doesn't go.

He keeps telling me it's in DC to see him or his parents as much as possible and that means ad hoc arrangement, and that I am unreasonable and controlling.

But I have done all the caring for our DC thus far while he has just lived his life as if nothing has changed.

Now he wants his parents to care for DC as if nothing has changed and it doesn't affect him.

Would a court give me first refusal do you know? Because this would be ideal.

Happy for him to have DC every other weekend but if he can't DC can spend time with myself and their siblings.

No he won't get as hoc.

But if he asks for a set schedule then his parents having dc when he can't isn't something you get to dictate. Contact with his dad is contact with his dads side of the family and can be done how he chooses.

The same way you can ask your friends and family to have him when on your time and he gets no say in that.

But well done for realising the situation was unhealthy and walking away.

That makes sense.

I have no family so my DC has never been away from me overnight.

@brownbanana30 he won't get the ad hoc but the suggestion if his parents doing the childcare is sensible. No different to you putting your child in nursery so you can work e.g. you are delegating childcare to another.

Give him every other weekend. He picks the child up on Friday at a set time. You collect on Sunday at a set time.

Do not offer to do the pick up!!!

Op is busy enough with her other DC to do a 4 hour return trip.

So Fridays I am not home til after 6pm, I commute to work and then collect DC.

I know if ex is expecting his DM or DD to collect (would be his DM his Dad isn't interested)- she doesn't finish work until 5:30 then has a 1.5-2hr drive to collect DC.

I certainly wouldn't be able to drive and drop off as I have other children to consider and don't see why I should after a long day at work, I've always lived here and this is DCs home.

I would make more sense to collect Sat AM as for my DC after being at nursery at day, to then have to have a long journey in the car and not get back to the GPs til gone 9pm? Isn't in their best interest I wouldn't have thought?

How do I ask to ease into this arrangement? As DC has never spent a night away from me and has only been in there house a few times.

DC is still breastfed too so the nights will be hard.

Just to clarify as well, he won't pick up, it would always be his parents due to his work.

My dh has it written into his parenting agreement that he gets "first refusal" if mum can't look after them for any reason

Assuming he's like a newsreader or producer he'll just have to ask for flexible working like anyone else.

You aren't being remotely unreasonable to want set days. I think it's very unlikely that a judge will court order ad hoc contact. That's not fair on either you or your child.

But if he is awarded certain days, it is up to him what happens during those days, provided your child is well cared for.

If he asks for EOW you can suggest he's picked up at 9am so that his bedtime routine isn't impacted due to distance.

As long as everything you suggest/ counter suggest has your DS best interests at heart then it won't (shouldn't!) be seen as unreasonable.

If a child is still BF then judges often will say no overnights until weaned. They may ask you if you have a timescale in mind to do this but you are quite within your rights to either say (2 or whatever) or say you are choosing a child led approach.

It's in your DS best interests to continue BF as long as he needs so that is another argument you can put forward.

I may be way off here but something tells me once you have a set schedule in place set by courts then ExP will lose interest because he's lost the power!

Usually the CAO says you have to make the child available on the set dates. You can have an informal arrangement that says if he's not around they can stay with you, as long as you've 'made them available'. Offer him what you want to happen. Do not offer to do the traveling.

EOW Sat Am- Sun PM sounds reasonable then.

How old is dc? If under 1 then I would hope that the court would prioritise breastfeeding and say that grandma can have a few hours local to you at first to build a relationship. (I assume that dc is weaned so would he ok with water during waking hours) Picking up Friday evening would mess up dc’s sleep including grandma having a difficult night because dc is overtired.

By the time that dc goes to school then weekday contact would only be possible on school holidays and by then they might do 2/3 nights rather than just Saturday night.

Make sure you stick to your guns: sedt days/ hours and you do not travel.

Once you have regular times and he has to abide by your schedule, he'll lose interest and they'll be completely yours.

I think a lot of it is power.

I was thinking 2, this is the age my other DC were fully weaned and is the WHO guidance.

I think fundamentally I'd like to build up to overnights by this age. I think Sat-Sun (sat overnight) would work okay for DC, on the same weekend that my other DC are with their Dad. This means that 2 weekends a month I still get time with ALL of my children.

My little one has such an amazing relationship with the older siblings that I wouldn't want this impacted.

Might sound silly but my eldest DC is a teenager and my little one has a better relationship with him than he does his own Dad. He's been there since birth and my DC actively seeks older brother out for comfort and cuddles.

Dad on the other hand has just prioritised his social life and is now looking to palm off to his aging parents.

Grandparents have been nice to me recently, however didn't meet DC until 7 months old and were nasty before this.

Asked Dmil to look after DC while I did some work related training from home, as according to exP she was desperate to be involved I asked her although I had other friends to ask.

She drove up, however didn't watch DC and sat on her phone.

My eldest DC came to me while I was on a teams call and informed me that little one had pulled a chest of drawers on themselves, I had to dash out of my call and upstairs, to rescue DC, they were crying and I was shocked, carried them downstairs crying and my exMIL was just sat on their phone in front room.

Just say "oh"... my toddler had gone all the way upstairs by themselves and pulled the drawers onto themselves, was so lucky they weren't seriously injured.

My exDPinLaws aren't young, I do worry about my toddler safety after this incident especially.

They have a lake right outside their back door.

I wouldn't be honest with myself if I said I didn't have concerns.

Just another question- he's not on the BC (have asked him but he's shown no interest!)

Should I still be giving every other weekend?

Have you gone via CMS for £?

If he's not in the BC he has no parental rights.

If you claim CMS he may insist on going on BC.

I initially claimed CMS however cancelled the claim after he asked me for another change to be together... silly me... I thought it was immortal to have a CM claim open for a man I thought I was in a relationship with.

Since cancellation he has still given something most months although can often be late or say he can't pay the normal (CMS minimum) amount due to "unexpected" expenses that have "cropped up".

This is despite him living a very good life. I've dared not question because he says "see you just want money".

Thinking of reopening CMS case but not sure what to do really.

*another chance to be together

Yes absolutely I think suggesting the same weekend other kids have contact. It's in your ds best interests to spend time with his siblings as a nuclear family.

And yes reopen CMS.