To think contact time is for my ex not his parents?

[brownbanana30]

Hi I’ve posted here before and asked some other questions but NC just to make less identifiable.

My ex and I split up when I was pregnant, he was adamant didn’t want the baby, threatened suicide etc etc.

Notified when DC born, denied paternity, had to go to CMS, sporadic contact every 4-6 weeks…

When DC was around 6 months old he apologised for his behaviour and begged for another chance which I gave (blamed MH, said I was the love of his life, I know it sounds silly and I should never have given another chance given the above but it’s too late now). Not living together as a lot to work through but spoken about that if things were going well we would buy together (his idea).

Began to spend time together as a family and couple/including with his family. Holidays and trips away together. ExDp works away so I did a lot of travelling while on my maternity leave in order to facilitate the contact/our relationship.

Started to notice after a while (been almost a year) that it felt like it was myself doing all the running around, and that often when exDP had time off he was spending it doing what he wanted/with friends/going out rather than being together as a family, which felt odd.

After querying the status of the relationship he said that he didn’t consider us to be together and completely rewrote history.

I decided from that point that I would no longer be a pretend girlfriend, and would not be travelling to him/giving him sex/bringing his child to him/pretending to be a family/or sending him daily texts and photos about his child given we are not together.

I asked him which set days he would like his child but he won’t commit to anything due to working away, says “we” (him, his mum and dad) want DC on an ad hoc basis due to his work, and that I’m being really inflexible. I want stability for DC and also myself as I work full time. I don’t think it’s fair for him to rock up week by week and decide what suits him and his work. DC attends nursery locally so I can work and is very happy and settled.

ExDP now says he is taking me to court and will be asking for an ad hoc arrangement and that he will be given this due to the nature of his work. An “exception” he has called it. Apparently a solicitor has told him this. He says if it’s a no he will have set days however his parents will be having DC due to his work.

I will be speaking to a family solicitor but AIBU to think that contact time is for my ex to see DC and not his parents?

A court can and has often ordered a CAO that works for Ad Hoc visitation.

Think Serving military, off shore workers etc.

Their rotas are not within their control and not predictable.

What's usually ordered is

NRP will submit rota to RP and X amount of days will be allocated with Y amount of time.

So overall if this goes to court he will gain an order than fits around his work.

@brownbanana30 sorry but I am getting confused! in england and wales: In England and Wales, grandparents do not have an automatic legal right to see their grandchildren. However, grandparents can try to get access through informal arrangements or court orders.

Here are some steps grandparents can take to gain access to their grandchildren:

Informal arrangements: Grandparents can try to work out an arrangement with both parents.

Mediation: Grandparents can try mediation to find compromises that suit all parties. The goal is to discuss visitation, care, and what's best for the child. If mediation is unsuccessful, the mediator will provide a certificate that can be used in court.

Court orders: Grandparents can apply to the court for permission to make an application for a Child Arrangements Order. The court will consider the child's best interests, the strength of the grandparent's relationship with the child, and the reasons for the parents' denial of access. The court may also consider the child's age, understanding, emotional, educational, and physical needs, and the effect any change would have on the child's circumstances. If the court grants permission and deems it in the child's best interest, they may issue a Child Arrangements Order.
only people with parental responsibility can apply for a court order! does your ex have responsibility??

I don't want to say what he does as it is too outing but it Varys week to week.

so he's expecting to let me know week to week when he can see DC.

I don't think it's fair that I organise nursery and do all the running around and then could potentially lose my weekend with DC and other children at short notice.

DC is also settled in nursery so I can work and I'm worried it could be disruptive for him to be allowed to turn up and take her out different days every week?

It's not fair.
But the courts and judges don't care about fair.
It's unjust, it's shit but it's what you'll face.

He'll have to state how far in advance he has his rota.
But as RP it won't be seen as an issue that you'll have to arrange childcare. It won't be factored in

@allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld thank you, that is very helpful. Ex doesn't have PR as not on BC.

@DavidBeckhamsrightfoot but why should I have to accommodate his work, he's not accommodated mine?

He's done f all for almost 1.5 years. I've had to fight for flexible working so I can earn to support my child and be able to care for her.

Seems very unfair that I've also got to accommodate his working schedule, when he hasn't given two hoots about mine.

I belive the official line is that the course view the realtionship between a parent and child shouldn't be limited due to work commitments.

The short version is men made the rules.

Does he usually work weekends ?

firstly I would say look you need to build up contact .

does he drive ? Do grandparents because you can’t be running round up and down dropping and collecting .

what is your shift pattern like do you work weekends ?

Most weekends. He may have 6 or so off in an entire year.

I'd be happy to him to have DC in the week but he lives 1.5 hrs away, not sure how that would he practical with nursery and school in future.

@DavidBeckhamsrightfoot urgh it's just so frustrating. I know you're right though and that's the feeling I get.

I've had no choice but to change my working arrangements so I can care for her otherwise who else will?

But he gets to boss me around to suit him, making no changes? So frustrating.

Not necessarily. I can't see the courts viewing a job in media in the same way as military, police, NHS etc. and you don't have to do anything whilst he doesn't have PR but you're right in that he will get it. Work out what you can live with and offer that. If you can do it without the court route the better.

File for CMS
let him take you to court.

raise every valid point your raised here (overnights, safety etc)

i hope you took your child to A&e so the accident is on record.

They do, because it's a job. It's his livlihood and seen how he supports himself and his child.

The courts do not dictate what jobs or careers people can pursue.

Do you actually think he'll even take you to court op? He clearly doesn't care about your DC.

I have no experience of this but your DC managing to make it all the way upstairs and pull a chest of drawers down on themselves is terrifying. They could've been really hurt and it's lucky your teenager was there to tell you. Surely a court would consider her unable to care for a child !?

I would say to him how do you see this working going forward .

How many days a week does he work ? Ask him how he see’s this working when she is at school ?

Also in terms of him working - is he away whilst he works - works evenings ?

I definitely wouldn’t want my child away on contact not to spend any time with either parent .

unfortunately for you been the Rp is crap but you are also entitled to quality time with your child at 1 1/2 how does he expect to build that time up properly if he isn’t there ?

@DavidBeckhamsrightfoot I'd say how he "supports his child" is being generous.

Although he had this super special, super exclusive job (in his mind), he says minimum CMS which is not much as he's technically a contractor and most is hidden in a limited company.

I could take him under section 1 of the children's act potentially but haven't got that far yet.

It's my salary that mainly supports our child and I've had to change hours, departments and lose out career wise as I am a single parent with no support.

I actually work in one of the aforementioned "caring" public service roles... I doubt a court is going to give me special exception and force him to look after his child so I can work shifts?

I've had no choice at all in that as who else cares for my child?

Again it's not how we view it, it's only how the court view it.

He will be providing a home for his child to visit. And paying CMS. Therefore he needs a job to support his child.

I don't know, but it did terrify me and she has even said herself that they are "not young" and looking after a toddler is lot.

Not sure how a court would see it though, need to ask a solicitor.

Even my teenage son (who's very protective of his sister!) said "please don't tell me that lady is going to watch X again"

Also as the RP that's seen as your problem.
They can't force a parent to parent.

So you do have the option of being the NRP.

He is away while he works, all around the country, could be anywhere.

Says that when she is school age she can have two schools, one near his house and one near mine 🤣

I've told him he's welcome to move closer and he can have 50/50.

I think Sat-Sun (sat overnight) would work okay for DC, on the same weekend that my other DC are with their Dad. This means that 2 weekends a month I still get time with ALL of my children. by all means start the pattern off that way but you can't keep it going like that all the time. Two different dads will have two different needs and they can't be expected to fit around each other every week they are nothing to each other. Eg. One dad has a family do one week so asks if the kids can swap weekends. It would be good of you to swap to let the kids go to the family do. But then they are out of sync with the kid from the other dad and that's just how it will have to be until you can mutually arrange another swap with one of the dads.

She can't have two schools is he insane

@DavidBeckhamsrightfoot but you're not making sense. I get it's my problem but at the same time you are saying that accommodating his work is my problem too?
Surely his work is his problem and he needs to change it like I have to have his child if that's what he wants. Otherwise he can leave us alone.

Yes. Because you're the RP
They can't force him to parent (or you)
So will you give him Residency? I'm assuming not. So they will make an order for when you must make the child available

The odds are that will sync with his availability as they will wany to ensure the relationship between parent and child.

As NRP he can also decide just to not take his time. And there will be no consequence as that wouldn't be a breach. But you would still have to follow it.

All of this. I’d be bf until your child volunteers to stop/demonstrates they no longer want to bf. Tell him to go to court for pr. his parents don’t sound interested, I’d be mentioning to court about the drawers incident and the lake outside their back door and your fears for your child’s basic safety.