Adult son outstayed his welcome

[username1993]

Ds mid 20s is mine, however dh has tried really hard with him as a step dad but he's had enough, he now wants him to move out because he's coming between us.
Dh is stressed all the time because of the living arrangements, he's constantly unhappy and when I try and talk to ds about the issues he gets into a huff and walks out which means I can't find any compromise and then dh is annoyed because I can't do anything about the situation, ds has nowhere else to go so I can't kick him out but everyday things get worse, our marriage is hanging on by a thread and the only way it's going to survive is if ds finds somewhere else to live but he doesn't want to and we've had this conversation with him and he just gets upset because he's not ready and I end up feeling guilty.
Of course I love ds and dh and want to keep everyone happy but it's impossible when dh is so stressed with the situation.
Ds ADHD so has very high energy and is constantly pacing up and down and clicking his fingers and stimming, which drives dh to distraction, he won't take his medication and everything he's told to do/not to falls on deaf ears.
He's home (other than work) all the time so is a constant presence in the house, he's loud, winds up his siblings and makes untactful remarks which I don't think he means to but he just doesn't have any awareness of boundaries so comes across rude.
Ideally I'd like him to look for somewhere else to live because the hostility in the house is unbearable but how can I when he's already shared with me that he isn't ready.
Ds isn't very mature for mid 20s and still wants to spend all his time with the family which makes dh feel suffocated.
He's been his step dad since he was very young and they used to be close but didn't expect him to still be with us and so full on.
If things don't change and dh and I split because of this I will have to leave the family home because I am not a big earner and couldn't afford to live there without him, also our youngest ds and DD's life would be turned upside down and they're still children.
I really don't know how to keep everyone happy, I'm exhausted and feel so torn.

You don’t have a choice do you. You either get your son to move out or your marriage breaks down. Those are your options.

OP,

I think you nailed it with your last post.

You really aren’t responsible to your children ‘until death us do part’. That was and isn’t what parenting is. You give them the best start in life and help them become functional independent adults.

Adult ‘children’ ruling the roost at their parents’ home is almost a form of abuse.

Your son needs to move out, albeit with help and support from you and your husband.

As you correctly said, you could lose your husband over this and then, in a year, your son might meet someone, move out, and only see you from time to time.

You owe yourself a decent shot at a happy marriage.

When does your duty to adult children end?

I can understand why OP husband is frustrated, as oldest son does not appear easy to live with. Its not like, he stays out of the way.

Oldest son has a full time job, is able to conduct daily live skills so is high functioning. I would advise OP to support her son with finding housing.

I wouldn't stay with someone who wanted to throw my son out.

Oh gosh OP - seems you and your DP have done a fine job in raising your ds - he can do all the stuff necessary to cope with general life; possibly even better than many NT young adults forced to fly from seemingly well-balanced nests.

Absolutely start exploring with him his accommodation options as a young adult - staying put comes with stricter behavioural rules than he's been used to. And more household responsibilities but lay it on gently....

This is what I suspected. In spite of multiple people telling OP to get her son into supported housing.

Well, it wouldn't be my son with special needs moving out!

However, there has to be a compromise here and he has to be part of it.

I would insist on him taking his meds and I would insist on the pacing being done elsewhere. I understand you are all open plan so he either does it round his room or outside or you time limit him doing it

Apart from that, it can't see that he's doing a whole lot wrong tbh. He's a young adult with neurodivergent issues - of course he's not going to behave like your average bloke in his 20s

But he does need to moderate some of his behaviours and I'd be appealing to him to do this with him being involved in implementing some small changes to make life easier for everyone in the house

I have a daughter with ADHD. I can totally see a time that she would stop using her meds....she feels the same as your son and I know different! I totally subscribe to the fact that my kids have a place with us whenever they need it. I absolutely would not allow my daughter to live with us if she wasn't taking her meds

Funny how there is a step parent intermingled in all of this.

I genuinely feel bad for your son. So what he has adhd and some extra energy. That shouldn't bother your husband as it doesn't appear that he is this way on purpose. Anyone else would let it over their head.

He seems hostile because deep down he realises that you will put your husband first, and he is unwanted. Sad you have put your son is such a horrible position. Your husband is acting like a baby.

If he was late teens I'd understand but he's a grown man in his mid twenties.

I think you need a plan to help him towards independence. For his own sake if nothing else.

OP's husband has supported this son as his own for decades by the sound of it.

Yet the son is winding up the WHOLE family.

He's mid 20's. drives, cooks, does washing, works... yet makes inappropriate comments and paces and makes irritating finger clicking that would drive a saint insane.

This isn't some helpless baby, but a capable, if irritating adult male.

Just get home to move out. Tell him if it all goes wrong he can always come back. That's all kids need to know.

I have ADHD/ASD and moved out at 19, back at 24 for a year, back at 28 for a year, back at 32 to save for a deposit for 4 years, and now have mortgage, above average salary, senior manager role. Success is not linear and even less so with neurodiversity. He sounds like he has a solid foundation though.

Doesn't sound like husband has been supportive. He wants him gone.

He's got adhd for goodness sake. Yes, hyperactivity can be irritating but take a deep breath, go for a walk or let it go. The poor man is suffering himself with symptoms. And we all have siblings that wind us up. That's nothing new.

Seems like op is demonising her son in an excuse to herself to get rid of him.

I think this is a hard one and wonder if you and your husband have looked at having therapy together?

It sounds like your son is happy and ..importantly...feels safe at home. I have a neurodiverse child and understand they may not be ready to move out juat because they hit a certain age.

I presume you would feel worried to think of your son unhappy in a bedsit etx if he iant going to enjoy it or do it with friends

But it sounds like your dh is not being entirely reasonable. He has to look at the real cost to your son and consider financially supporting him to move out into somethinf he would actually cope with ?? Otherwise it's just not realistic

Could you ...and would your husband consider....moving somewhere bigger for all of you ?

I do see that a young adult winding up siblings is hard to take and I think it sounds like something needs to change

But it has to be realistic from your husband's side

He has ADHD but he’s also mid 20s. He’s old enough to stop pacing and clicking his fingers if he’s asked to.

Amazed at people saying that the son wouldnt be able to live with others in a house share due to his habits and behaviour, yes that is the point!!!!

He cant live with others now, ie his siblings and parents.

So you adapt, you learn, you compromise. If he cant do this now, when are people suggesting he might given he is 25 now. 30? 40? 50? never?

When you move into shared accommodation you soon learn what is going to be tolerated and no one is going to pander the way a parent does, so he will learn and have to shape up and get to grips with how he bests manages his behaviour. He might choose then to see the importance of engaging with medication and he might grow up a bit.

Given he drives, goes to the gym and hasnt got the sack or been asked not return to the gym, he was able to learn to engage with lessons and pass a test, he has self care and independence skills, he is clearly able to motivate and focus himself on things that are important to him.
Being a team player in the family home is clearly not important to him, therefore its time to move on and grow up.

He’s old enough to stop pacing and clicking his fingers if he’s asked to.

There's no age that you stop stimming. It's not something that is possible to stop doing, imagine being told not to sneeze when you have the urge.

That's a lot to land on someone with OP's DS's level of need. He's managing to work, but that probably comes at a huge cost to him in terms of physical and emotional energy - hence his behaviours at home. One thing at a time - yes, priority needs to be medication. That may take some time to achieve, with support.. DH took this on - he needs to be supportive.

I think there comes a time when adult children need to move out, regardless of the adhd. Whilst at home the parent/child relationship continues by default. They are grown up in lots of ways but you still fall into the pattern of stroppy teen having to be told several times, and the frustration that ensues. You accept this from actual teens, but it’s harder to swallow as they get older, which is why dh is now finding it a problem.

It takes living on their own to reset the relationship to adult/adult.

No advice op, because you are stuck between a rock and a hard place.

Good luck

That's a lot to land on someone with OP's DS's level of need. He's managing to work, but that probably comes at a huge cost to him in terms of physical and emotional energy - hence his behaviours at home. One thing at a time - yes, priority needs to be medication. That may take some time to achieve, with support.. DH took this on - he needs to be supportive.

But the OP says that he is doing cooking, his own washing, can drive etc.
Maybe he should go to the gym more if he has excess energy.

Given he drives, goes to the gym and hasnt got the sack or been asked not return to the gym, he was able to learn to engage with lessons and pass a test, he has self care and independence skills, he is clearly able to motivate and focus himself on things that are important to him.
Being a team player in the family home is clearly not important to him, therefore its time to move on and grow up.

And I agree with this^

Initially from what the OP said I assumed the son had SN that meant he would never be capable of being independent but actually now I think he's starting to sound like a selfish man who doesn't give a toss about his family.

No expectation to stop stimming but a lot of ND adapt their stims to fit into the world around them as they age.

He has a disability but he is not incapable.

This man can hold down a job, buy, pay for and insure his own car, and can clearly concentrate enough to drive said car. All of that accomplishment indicates that he could probably run a flat/bed sit.

It also indicates that if it were worth it enough to him he could probably stop harassing his younger siblings, respect his step father and accommodate his family just a little.

The op and her husband seem to have poured resources into him.

He has agency and should not only step up but be expected to step up.

For his own good.

Another vote for making him take his meds as a condition of remaining at home as a first step.

But a long term, step by step plan for eventually having him leave home doesn’t have to be difficult. My DD just left home at 21 and she also has mental health struggles to contend with but this didn’t stop her. She took a flat share with someone else. We live in a very expensive city too.

And one thing I have noticed in the short time she has been gone is that our relationship has improved significantly. We have much higher quality one on one time now with meet ups for coffee / meals etc. And having the boundaries and space from the things we mutually found irritating when she lived here has been a positive.

You may find that the relationship between your DS and DH will improve too and that DH may be willing to go over there to support him. You said that DH has been with you all since DS was little so I doubt it’s a step parent issue but a normal parenting situation.

Your son's refusal to take his prescribed medication seems to be a massive part of the issue here. Would taking it reduce the swimming behaviours, and if so would this make life easier for all of you?

It's all very well and good for him not to think he needs to take the meds, he's apparently happy as Larry! But he needs to take other people's needs into account as well. I say this as the child of a bipolar parent. They need to take the meds for their family.

Yes @Overbythewaterfountain, that’s why I suggested family mediation for the OP, her DH and her son. He’s happy with the current situation, but he doesn’t realize that the situation is likely to change if he doesn’t take other people’s needs into account. He can’t keep winding up his younger siblings, for example.