Adult son outstayed his welcome

[username1993]

Ds mid 20s is mine, however dh has tried really hard with him as a step dad but he's had enough, he now wants him to move out because he's coming between us.
Dh is stressed all the time because of the living arrangements, he's constantly unhappy and when I try and talk to ds about the issues he gets into a huff and walks out which means I can't find any compromise and then dh is annoyed because I can't do anything about the situation, ds has nowhere else to go so I can't kick him out but everyday things get worse, our marriage is hanging on by a thread and the only way it's going to survive is if ds finds somewhere else to live but he doesn't want to and we've had this conversation with him and he just gets upset because he's not ready and I end up feeling guilty.
Of course I love ds and dh and want to keep everyone happy but it's impossible when dh is so stressed with the situation.
Ds ADHD so has very high energy and is constantly pacing up and down and clicking his fingers and stimming, which drives dh to distraction, he won't take his medication and everything he's told to do/not to falls on deaf ears.
He's home (other than work) all the time so is a constant presence in the house, he's loud, winds up his siblings and makes untactful remarks which I don't think he means to but he just doesn't have any awareness of boundaries so comes across rude.
Ideally I'd like him to look for somewhere else to live because the hostility in the house is unbearable but how can I when he's already shared with me that he isn't ready.
Ds isn't very mature for mid 20s and still wants to spend all his time with the family which makes dh feel suffocated.
He's been his step dad since he was very young and they used to be close but didn't expect him to still be with us and so full on.
If things don't change and dh and I split because of this I will have to leave the family home because I am not a big earner and couldn't afford to live there without him, also our youngest ds and DD's life would be turned upside down and they're still children.
I really don't know how to keep everyone happy, I'm exhausted and feel so torn.

Yes, it could be OP and annoying DS on their own.
The thing is if that’s what happens then DS won’t be happy -no siblings or DH around.
i would say you need an outside advisor eg social worker or adult services, aren’t there charities who would have someone to support DS at least temporarily.
I don’t know how you get through to someone who denies their flaws but that’s what you need.
DS could live part time elsewhere so everyone gets a break and he practices living alone.

Not any more. Wages are low and rents are high. So many of my friends have kids returning after university as they cannot survive anywhere else.

OP my DS would be a priority.

So if he can do all of this, especially the control and management of a 1 ton machine capable of killing, why can't he live on his own?

If he has few friends and no social life he won’t want to live alone.

If the OP does decide she wants her DS at home and her marriage ends it is entirely possible her other DC will choose to live with their Dad
I wouldn't want to live with someone who kept winding me up and was a major cause of my parents separation

It's also in the back of my mind that he may well choose to move out of his own accord soon and then I will have thrown my marriage away and everyone will be unhappy.
On the other hand I do want him to move out but I want that to be his decision, and on good terms otherwise he may end up wanting nothing more to do with me because he feels rejected.

@sweeneytoddsrazor That’s exactly my concern, his siblings will distance themselves from him unless he accepts that his behaviour towards them needs to change.

I'm not ignorant at all... I have a complex list of disabilities, I mean I literally have brain damage. My mam was autistic and 2 of my kids have SEN disabilities too. Me and my mam both left home at 16 and firmly believe in independence and standing on your own as much as is achievable. Yes sometime help is needed but we have never just defaulted to living off family.

Maximum independence is what every disabled person deserves and what we have over a century fighting for. Its lazy and does a huge disservice to the disabled community to just ride disability as an excuse for an easy out for having to grow up.

Just because someone disagrees with you does NOT mean they are ignorant or have no experience it just means they don't agree with you.

I agree. When you bring a child into the world, it isn't done with conditions attached. It's a whole life thing, same as the marriage vows 'In sickness and in health'. You don't say to a person that you chose to give birth to 'You turned out to have a condition that makes you a bit difficult, my new husband doesn't like it, I don't want to deal with you, go away'. That child is your responsibility if he's unwell, no matter what age he is x

Im sorry. If he is intolerant of your sons disability he needs to go not your son

It’s an extremely difficult line to judge between enabling or supporting

plodding on at it is now isn’t really guiding him to build a future

If there is no way of keeping everyone happy, you do whatever is for the greatest good of the greatest number.

And then what?
He’s been around for decades, he’s not a new man.
He has a right - as do the younger children- to live in peace without pacing, inappropriate comments or repeated noises.

If the husband leaves, there will be no house, as equity will be split-
The adult son needs to take far more responsibility.
He works and drives, so isn’t helpless.

Sounds like enabling to make the other family members lives a misery.

Part of being a family is looking out for each other. Adult DS needs to understand his unmedicated behaviours are stressing out another member of the family, the decent man who has been around since he is small and who his mother loves.

It’s selfish to not take your medication if your unmedicated behaviour affects others.

@Maddy70 and @Elisi what about the younger children? Why do the eldest son’s needs have to come first? He’s disrupting their home life and if there’s a split they will lose their home entirely, and the eldest son will probably find himself sharing somewhere too small for them all and driving them batty. If he would accept guidance / spend more time in his room or out / take his meds it would help, but he won’t.

I think you have to help your DS learn to change his behaviour, take his meds and become independent and start thinking of his future. You're doing him and your other children a disservice by not doing this.

If not now, when will you address this? When he's 30? 35? 40?

If his siblings are finding him hard to live with, how will he ever be able to move out to live in a house share? His only option then would be living on his own (which may be prohibitively expensive).

I understand the impetus to put a child above DH, but in this case, there's a very real possibility you could lose your partner, your home and your other DC may choose to live with their DF rather than stay with you and DS. And if all that change happens, might your DS chose to change his behaviour and move out? In which case, it will all be for nothing.

My suggestion is that you determine what you think is reasonable, not taking account of your husband throwing his toys out of the pram. I would then have a conversation with DS that is between you and him. I feel that it is reasonable for DS to take his medication and do the best he can day to day. I assume what you have said that he does want to move out eventually, so I would also suggest to have a positive discussion about what conditions need to be in place, and then he works towards achieving these purposely with your support. While this roadmap is in place, and assuming that he is doing his best on all of the above, your DH must not do things that make the environment more negative and make him feel unwanted.

So split the whole family up and disrupt the lives of children?? Because an adult 'child' won't stop some controllable (like winding up younger siblings) behaviours and his mother can't or won't stop him.

I think that is ridiculous. I have a couple do friends with ADHD and they hate it when people use their disabilities to upset others

Have you tried something a bit out of the box to show your son the impact of his actions? Because it sounds like your son doesn't see that he is doing anything that is hard to live with.

Film him interacting with his siblings and show it to him, or record him pacing/tapping from inside the room where is sounds the loudest and play it to him.

When he was smaller our oldest didn't understand he was smothering the little ones by hugging them so tight, so I made him hug a cushion with squishy beans in it, when the case popped and he got covered in the filling he got it in a way that none of the hundreds of times I had told him off for it managed. He was gentler from then on he wasn't trying to hurt them he just didn't realise his own strength.

But I may also have been petty enough to drive home the point about my husband being annoying by leaving cupboards and drawers open by literally walking around behind him in our old kitchen and opening every cupboard door and every drawer while he was cooking dinner until he lost his temper and then walking away with the comment good I can leave now I have made my point it doesn't stop him leaving them all open but it's less and he knows I am always happy to repeat being annoying.

We are all annoying to live with in our house, it's a struggle to balance everyones needs but it's not as simple as just choosing between your husband and your child.

Exactly. DS is annoying everyone so step dad moving out won’t change things massively. A whole house of people should not be dominated by the behaviour and actions of one person. It’s annoying and not fair. Especially when they won’t compromise or even discuss things

Not read everything but your son has a disability. He needs help and he needs his family. Your husband sounds incredibly ableist. Replace ADHD with any other number of disabilities and see how comfortable you feel with his stance.

I think as his parents you both also need to learn more about his disability - it’s not as simple as ‘take some medication’. It sounds like he’s quite severely impacted so might benefit from support worker, that sort of thing. The main thing though is that he really needs some support.

Have you spoken to your DS, OP, about his hopes / plans / desires / expectations for the future? Again a neutral third party might be able to help you all talk through it?

Although it sounds like 'taking some medication' in this case would be massively helpful, and the OP's DS is refusing. His disability doesn't trump her needs in her life

Not read everything but your son has a disability. He needs help and he needs his family. Your husband sounds incredibly ableist. Replace ADHD with any other number of disabilities and see how comfortable you feel with his stance.

So sod the other children who are being affected by DS's behaviour?

I think that if you don’t at least convince ds to take his medication, then you risk the younger ones moving out as soon as they can and not returning to see you because of their half brother’s behaviour.
Is his behaviour definitely “better” on medication or is it a Hail Mary to keep your h on board ?