Adult son outstayed his welcome

[username1993]

Ds mid 20s is mine, however dh has tried really hard with him as a step dad but he's had enough, he now wants him to move out because he's coming between us.
Dh is stressed all the time because of the living arrangements, he's constantly unhappy and when I try and talk to ds about the issues he gets into a huff and walks out which means I can't find any compromise and then dh is annoyed because I can't do anything about the situation, ds has nowhere else to go so I can't kick him out but everyday things get worse, our marriage is hanging on by a thread and the only way it's going to survive is if ds finds somewhere else to live but he doesn't want to and we've had this conversation with him and he just gets upset because he's not ready and I end up feeling guilty.
Of course I love ds and dh and want to keep everyone happy but it's impossible when dh is so stressed with the situation.
Ds ADHD so has very high energy and is constantly pacing up and down and clicking his fingers and stimming, which drives dh to distraction, he won't take his medication and everything he's told to do/not to falls on deaf ears.
He's home (other than work) all the time so is a constant presence in the house, he's loud, winds up his siblings and makes untactful remarks which I don't think he means to but he just doesn't have any awareness of boundaries so comes across rude.
Ideally I'd like him to look for somewhere else to live because the hostility in the house is unbearable but how can I when he's already shared with me that he isn't ready.
Ds isn't very mature for mid 20s and still wants to spend all his time with the family which makes dh feel suffocated.
He's been his step dad since he was very young and they used to be close but didn't expect him to still be with us and so full on.
If things don't change and dh and I split because of this I will have to leave the family home because I am not a big earner and couldn't afford to live there without him, also our youngest ds and DD's life would be turned upside down and they're still children.
I really don't know how to keep everyone happy, I'm exhausted and feel so torn.

This thread is very reminiscent of the one a few months ago with the OPs daughter at home from failing Uni and refusing the engage with her MH condition and the help needed to manage it. Replies there were similar, split between "she has a disability she cannot be expected to do anything you need to support her and leave her alone" and "she needs to buck her ideas up and get on with life and accept the medication and help required to manage her condition". The truth, as ever, lies somewhere in the middle and that's very true in this case too.

Do the younger children go with their dad then? Read @username1993s posts before blaming her husband.

Do you really think OP will cope on her own with her adult son while having to split contact to see her other children because adult son is affecting their lives too.

I didn't mean to imply that he's incapable at all - that's great that he's already so independent.

It sounds like the next step is explaining to him gently, in the way that you know best as you're his Mum, that living as an adult would be a great opportunity for him? And that he needs some support to actively look for a house share / bedsit? And reassurance that he could (for example) visit every Sunday for lunch?

Truthfully , I would be doing everything I could to move an adult child out. of course there are accommodations to be made, but I would be looking at every possible avenue.

this is not because I am a cruel person or don’t love my kids. But independence is a gift and something we should all have access to wherever it is physically possible. I would hate to feel I hadn’t pushed a child in the same way I would my other children because they have a disability.

Read OPs posts.

She also has ADHD.

What a horrible post.

Adult son can take medication to alleviate his suffering. He is refusing. He holds down a job and drives. He can control his behaviour. Perfectly capable of looking after himself too.

What he is doing is causing distress to 4 other family members because he won't try to reduce the impact of his ADHD symptoms.

He can engage with his mum and find other ways to manage his symptoms. He won't do that either.

There are in my own area, Nadeed, though i obviously can't speak for others

I didn't say you were ignorant, I said a lot of the replies here were.

I moved out of home age 19 but it sounds like your son isn't as independent as you and I, plus the works has changed and it's not so easy to get a flat on your own these days.

You have to give your son what he needs, that's what being a parent is all about. And your DH needs to suck that up.

Sigh. He literally can't. That's his disability. Stimming is something he needs to do to cope with the world.

We have many disabled students living in supported living flats, where wardens visit twice a day. Might be nice for him to try some independence. He could come to yours every Friday for dinner.

Fine, dont do it around people that are getting pissed off by it, move on and find your independence

And while the stimming may support his ADHD needs, actually not everything that someone does is down to their ND, not all 'bad behaviours are down to their ND', sometimes people are just arseholes. Only he will know which is which. Its offensive to say that he is like this due to his ADHD.

As others have said, he just sounds like the average selfish man that most people would say kick to the curb in any other circumstance.

OP isnt going to disown him, he is just going to move out, like all of us do at some point.

@Boxina Would taking his medication help at all with stimming?
I genuinely don’t know.

How could he be supported to not wind up his siblings?

If you want to save your marriage you need to tell your son he needs to find somewhere else to rent. It will do him the world of good in the end. It sounds like the whole family is being negatively impacted by him, this way over time you will have a better relationship with him, save your marriage and your other children will be happier. You need to pull those apron strings and be brave

I don't know the the medication. My friend who takes it says it's very helpful in organising her mind and making her productive.

I would think he could be helped with the winding people up, that's about learning what's on you say and what isn't. I'm surprised he hasn't had that much much earlier in life to be honest, because this is stuff you can help children to learn and it's important so we can function in life. I've spent a lot of time teaching my two social skills.

But some Nd children are much harder to help with this stuff than others.

It's certainly not the miracle cure OP suggests. Nor should you take it all of the time. So a GP would expect him to take it maybe during the working day, with breaks at weekends or during AL. The breaks are necessary. It would not be at all fair on the DS to expect him to take it when around her husband but not at work, as that would make his working life harder. Home should be his safe space, which obviously it is not really here.

He’s not taking it at all and appears to be coping with work, driving, cooking etc. I don’t see why it would be unfair to take it around her dh rather than at work. And it’s not just around her dh that is the issue here. There are younger children involved. Taking the meds to coincide with when home may well be the most appropriate and effective time.

Surely one of our responsibilities as a parent is to enable and prepare our DC for independence and adult life. At some point this mid 20 year old is going to have to stand on his own two feet, let him start now.

You have a ND child who it sounds like would struggle living unsupported away from home. Has he ever taken his medication consistently? Do you really think that he would cope unsupported away from home?

I think you need to view him moving out as a project and you will need to seek advice from people and organisations that have experience and expertise with your son’s needs. Turfing him out right now could cause more problems than they solve, yes he might swim but there’s probably a greater chance of him sinking.

I can understand your frustration and desperation but him living independently will need a lot more planning and resources.

Yeah, sure.

You don’t know that.

The whole “they help anything bless ‘em” thing is patronising as fuck. To both the person and the parents.

Saw earlier in the thread that the husband is describing the son as 'defiant' - that needs some unpicking, as it's not how adults normally describe other adults.

Some reframing might help - you're a three adult household not just parents with children.

Stuff to consider:

There have been well publicised shortages of ADHD meds - has he decided not to take them or is he having admin problems getting hold of them?

An ADHD coaching service might be able to help him with developing the skills he doesn't yet have to live independently.

A PIP claim if he doesn't already receive it.

Soundproofing so noisy stimming has less impact on others.

All moving house together if you don't have enough space for three adults plus kids to be comfortable.

Encouraging him to take an OU course or courses at a local college - may help towards a better paid job and is another time occupying activity.

Fairness - can he care for his siblings while you and/or your husband are out? What else is he good at doing that he could do for the household? (Enabling 'date night' might be a win).

Sorry if this has already been discussed I’ve not read all the comments here but do you have the room and funds to add a living area to your garden for DS? Like a cabin of some sort? Perhaps charge rent, even if minimal, get him used to having an outgoing for accommodation, and the responsibility of having his own space. The comfort of not being away from home but some breathing space for everyone? Could be a good half way point between your current set up and him moving out? Once he’s moved out and your younger kids are older could they then do the same?

My son was very anti-meds in his 20s although feels differently now in his 30s.
My ds and dh had fallen out multiple times, ds has autism/adhd/severe anxiety. DH is stepdad since he was 15 and I have learned if they have a problem then they need to resolve it, I will not get in the middle. This obvs works okay sometimes and sometimes we struggle through. Hope you manage to find some resolution for your family. X

Forever? How about when they're in their 50s?

But the other four members of the family are not happy living with that type of distraction. It would drive me crazy. I wouldn't be on here asking what I should do. I would be doing it. He needs to take his meds.

I'll admit to not having read the entire thread, but thought I'd just add this: people with ADHD have the executive functioning skills of somebody approximately 2/3 their age (as in, a 1/3 reduction compared to their age) - so if your son is, say, 25, his executive functioning skills may be equitable to about a 16-17 year old.

I'm not sure if this helps or not - it certainly won't help your husbands feelings towards stimming or other coping mechanisms - but it may put a little perspective on things. He genuinely probably doesn't feel ready to move out - I don't know many 16-17 year olds that would as a first choice!

That being said, things do need to be put in place moving forwards, with regular taking of medication the priority, for everybody's sake. Is there any way to go through the benefits for him of the medication, so he doesn't feel like he's taking it to appease other people in the house?