Adult son outstayed his welcome

[username1993]

Ds mid 20s is mine, however dh has tried really hard with him as a step dad but he's had enough, he now wants him to move out because he's coming between us.
Dh is stressed all the time because of the living arrangements, he's constantly unhappy and when I try and talk to ds about the issues he gets into a huff and walks out which means I can't find any compromise and then dh is annoyed because I can't do anything about the situation, ds has nowhere else to go so I can't kick him out but everyday things get worse, our marriage is hanging on by a thread and the only way it's going to survive is if ds finds somewhere else to live but he doesn't want to and we've had this conversation with him and he just gets upset because he's not ready and I end up feeling guilty.
Of course I love ds and dh and want to keep everyone happy but it's impossible when dh is so stressed with the situation.
Ds ADHD so has very high energy and is constantly pacing up and down and clicking his fingers and stimming, which drives dh to distraction, he won't take his medication and everything he's told to do/not to falls on deaf ears.
He's home (other than work) all the time so is a constant presence in the house, he's loud, winds up his siblings and makes untactful remarks which I don't think he means to but he just doesn't have any awareness of boundaries so comes across rude.
Ideally I'd like him to look for somewhere else to live because the hostility in the house is unbearable but how can I when he's already shared with me that he isn't ready.
Ds isn't very mature for mid 20s and still wants to spend all his time with the family which makes dh feel suffocated.
He's been his step dad since he was very young and they used to be close but didn't expect him to still be with us and so full on.
If things don't change and dh and I split because of this I will have to leave the family home because I am not a big earner and couldn't afford to live there without him, also our youngest ds and DD's life would be turned upside down and they're still children.
I really don't know how to keep everyone happy, I'm exhausted and feel so torn.

I think the key here is supporting your DS's ADHD. Is he part of any clubs? Sports would be ideal. He also needs to get more of a life so he is not home as much. He needs to sit down with you guys and look at career plans too. What motivates and inspires him? People with ADHD can achieve very highly when they're interested in something. I would also really explain the benefits of medication and the impact not taking it is having on everyone- take him for a walk rather than sit down and discuss. Or is there another family member who could do this who he has a good relationship with? What about his dad?.

All these people recommending supported tenancies, I do not think these exist in the number you think they do. I googled for my City and there is supported housing for those with complex needs and learning disabilities, but only one small place that the son might be eligible for. And people get 4 hours of support a week. The truth is families are expected to manage any transition.

Okay.
So your husband moves out.
And then your second child moves out.
And then your third child moves out.
All because you refused to do anything about your first child’s disruptive behaviour.
So now it’s you and your first child living together. Forever.
Because “there’s not one situation that would make me ask my child to leave the family home.”
But you might drive them out by being so stubborn.
In the OP’s situation, she’s got more family to think about than just her eldest son.
Where there’s a will, there’s a way out.

Personally I hope the fact that DH is reaching the end of his rope leads to some changes. The pacing and stimming will be annoying but there's likely to be much more behind that - your DH sees that it's not just about him, but DS does exactly as he wants without any consideration for ANY of the family, including the other children.

Saying that the children come first sounds noble in theory. But in this case - which children? It sounds like his behaviour is makng life in the house difficult for everyone. I'm sorry OP but I think you have some hard choices to make.

This ^. It all sounds incredibly hard for the younger children, home should be their safe space and it isn't is it? I think you need to act (pp have given loads of good advice regarding rules, supported living etc) because you are not only risking your marriage but you're risking the future relationships between your children. If I were one of them I'd be leaving as soon as I could, sorry.

This is why I've 'soldiered' on alone with autistic ds, just to avoid this sort of 'relationship' dilemma. Absolutely not judging you at all OP, your DH saved you from being a burnt out wreck and having spent years myself as the 'rock' I'm rather a burnt out case myself now. And no 'rock' insight.

Yes, I think it's 'boundary time' - my ds (22) will soon be embarking on a 'to kill for' apprenticeship opportunity, he makes it or fakes it - after this it becomes a mum first situation.

Agreed- This isn’t a new man, but someone when has been around a long time by the sound of it.

It would drive most people to distraction, having a young adult pacing up and down and making repetitive finger clicks.

The meds need to be taken for the good of the family unit as a whole.

One person here is making the whole family unsettled by sounds of it.
Does one person’s need to click and pace trump other’s need for a peaceful environment?

Probably an unpopular opinion but I would sit your DS down and explain he needs to move out within say, 3 months, or alter his behaviour. The situation as it is seems unfair on everyone, and ADHD aside he is a grown adult. Wishing you well OP

I really feel for the son here. He has a disability and... it's disabling! Yes he ought to be complying with treatment, however I wonder whether he's being scapegoated somewhat. If the relationship is hanging on by a thread it's likely causing an atmosphere, which is likely effecting the behaviour of all the children. His behaviour is in line with someone who is incredibly anxious and to be honest, its not hard to see why. Seems pretty unfair to me that it's all being pinned on him and he's potentially facing being kicked out. If his own folks can't tolerate his behaviour I find it hard to believe anyone else would be kind.

I think this should come from a place of love. Both parents need to understand that he clearly needs support rather than seeing him as an inconvenience.

As I said, the availability of assisted living schemes do vary, the l/a where I worked did have several schemes that dealt with people with different issues. I won't name them all here but together they were fairly comprehensive. And yes there were waiting lists for them.

Why?
This is an adult son, annoying his younger siblings too, not a tiny child.

How much of a difference do his meds make when he takes them? They are only active for part of the day, so you still have several hours when they wear off, and imo that period can feel worse than being unmedicated.

When did he last have review of his medication? It could be that he needs to try something else.

While your dh seems to have been a good support raising your ds, he doesn’t seem to be realistic about what’s possible here. Has he ever had any education or training about adhd? Attended workshops? Read any books? If you want ds to live independently, it’s going to take more than wishing to get him to that point.

Supported housing is allocated on the basis of need.

A care act assessment would determine if he has social care needs. He has to want to consent to and engage with that assessment. Judging by what OP has said Id be amazed i fhe met threshold for a care package of any sort, particularly accommodation

If a care package identified that this person needed an accomodation package as part of their needs being met by social care, then supported accommodation can be considered.

You cant just waltz into social services and ask for supported accommodation on the basis of ADHD

@yesmen you're not wrong there. But for it to be in a forced way BC her husband is getting annoyed seems like the wrong reason.
I don't doubt he should seek independence, but not on the terms of his far from supportive seeming step dad.

maybe when they’re tiny babies…but no you don’t cease to be important if you have a child!

Yeh because once our children get to a certain age we no longer care about them.

What about the younger children and the impact their brothers choices and behaviours are having on them?

I would frame this differently. As a man in his mid twenties, he should be looking to move out. Nothing to do with your dh. What plans are in place to make this happen as he surely can’t be expecting to live with you indefinitely?
There is certainly a new subset of men in particular that seem to want to live with parents indefinitely whilst being a pain in the arse to live with.

And shouldn’t we be encouraging our GROWN children towards independence?

DS is choosing not to medicate, ignoring requests to stop harassing younger siblings and refusing to discuss any of his behaviour.

^^This is the crux of the problem. At 24/25, he needs to take some responsibility for his behaviour. A 25-year-old, even if he’s emotionally younger, can’t deliberately upset his younger siblings, for example.

I agree with PP’s suggesting family mediation for you, your DH and your son. Talking through the issues with a neutral third party may be the best way to address them.

Otherwise the situation is only going to get worse and your son could even find himself without a proper home if you and your DH split up and the family home has to be sold. You may not be able to afford a home with a bedroom for him and your DH won’t be obliged to house him.

Your DS may be a legal adult but an adult with the lifeskills of someone much younger. He is vulnerable, unlikely to succeed without a lot of support/intervention and he's being made to feel like a nuisance in his own home by your DH. You know what ADHD feels like to live with. How on earth can your DS do this outside of your love and support?

Sorry but your DH sounds like a bully. My eldest has got ADHD, and I think that it took until she was around 26/27 for her to be mature at the level that her sisters were at 18.

I think you need to make a decision here, OP.

You have the choice to accept that your son is going to be living with you long term. You communicate this to your husband and let him decide what he wants to do next. You put boundaries in place in terms of taking his medication, treating his siblings with respect etc. and you make it clear that if he doesn’t stick to them, he packs his bags.

Or you commit to exploring options for your son to live elsewhere. There are usually supported accommodation options available for young people whose disabilities mean they would not be able to manage alone. You start working with him on any skills he needs to practice like cooking or laundry if he’s not already capable of these. You set a rough timescale and help him to start preparing emotionally. It won’t be easy, it won’t be quick but this is the plan and you see it through.

Either way there needs to be a clear decision for both you, him and the rest of the family. You can’t keep going round in circles not making a plan.

Absolutely.

He shouldn't be medicating just to make the lives of orhers more convenient. It needs to be his choice

He already does his own washing and cooks for himself when he wants to, he is capable of looking after himself in that respect and he drives, chose a car on his own, pays car insurance, tax and phone bills and gym membership okay, and works f/t so he's not incapable.
I don't imagine his life would be much different if he had a bed sit but of course he would prefer to live with his family.

@LizzieBennett73 @Tickledtrout Yes, but he isn’t accepting advice and guidance from the Op and his stepdad, is he?

My concern is that unless he agrees to accept some guidance, such as trying medication to see whether it helps him stop winding up his younger siblings, for example, their Dad may decide that he needs to remove the children from the situation, I.e., break up the family.

I’m guessing that the siblings are teenagers and they’re not going to choose to live with someone who constantly winds them up.

I haven't read all of the thread so may have been suggested already but do you have a garage or room in the garden to build a seperate living space for your son, like a granny flat?
My ds is nd and would find it difficult to live totally alone. Our plan is to convert a garage into a living space for him so that he can get used to living alone but we are still close by if he needs us. Is something like this an option?