Adult son outstayed his welcome

[username1993]

Ds mid 20s is mine, however dh has tried really hard with him as a step dad but he's had enough, he now wants him to move out because he's coming between us.
Dh is stressed all the time because of the living arrangements, he's constantly unhappy and when I try and talk to ds about the issues he gets into a huff and walks out which means I can't find any compromise and then dh is annoyed because I can't do anything about the situation, ds has nowhere else to go so I can't kick him out but everyday things get worse, our marriage is hanging on by a thread and the only way it's going to survive is if ds finds somewhere else to live but he doesn't want to and we've had this conversation with him and he just gets upset because he's not ready and I end up feeling guilty.
Of course I love ds and dh and want to keep everyone happy but it's impossible when dh is so stressed with the situation.
Ds ADHD so has very high energy and is constantly pacing up and down and clicking his fingers and stimming, which drives dh to distraction, he won't take his medication and everything he's told to do/not to falls on deaf ears.
He's home (other than work) all the time so is a constant presence in the house, he's loud, winds up his siblings and makes untactful remarks which I don't think he means to but he just doesn't have any awareness of boundaries so comes across rude.
Ideally I'd like him to look for somewhere else to live because the hostility in the house is unbearable but how can I when he's already shared with me that he isn't ready.
Ds isn't very mature for mid 20s and still wants to spend all his time with the family which makes dh feel suffocated.
He's been his step dad since he was very young and they used to be close but didn't expect him to still be with us and so full on.
If things don't change and dh and I split because of this I will have to leave the family home because I am not a big earner and couldn't afford to live there without him, also our youngest ds and DD's life would be turned upside down and they're still children.
I really don't know how to keep everyone happy, I'm exhausted and feel so torn.

To all those talking about care packages and consent... Supported housing is a house for people with ADHD with a Warden. They are expected to have jobs etc. I think people are confusing it with Sheltered housing or a Care Home.

And they do usually have places available.

I don't think that is true - these days adult children return to their parents houses after university. There is often no other option

@mytuppennyworth there often is a choice. Just adult children would prefer to live in a nice family home than pay a lot of their wage for a room.

From how it reads the op has the same disability as her son and wasn't coping with life too well before she met her now husband.
With that in mind if stepdad walks away how will op cope with the remaining children who may not be nt but that wasn't mentioned only that she was burntout and over stimulated by parenting her son alone?
I think the stepdad is holding this family together while the ds is pulling it apart.

Maybe so, but as parents we have to try and equip our children as much as possible.

I know what supported housing is, its my job to refer young adults/pre adults to the adult services if they need it!

Who do you think pays for it?

Some might have some degree of work/volunteering activity, some/many, wont.

It sounds as if OP has done exactly that, the man is a success in many ways, he works, keeps fit, is cooking and washing, keeping clean, attends the gym, drives, is able to afford insurance on a car which is no mean feat for a 25 year old whose premiums are normally very expensive (well compared to oldies like me)

So although he is more comfortable at home, he needs to branch out by the sounds of it.

You need to start prioritising your marriage and younger children. Your son needs a plan to leave the nest. He is an adult. He isn't helpless he's just far too comfortable at home.

You are being outrageously unfair on your DH who sounds like a decent man. You are also not doing anyone else any favours including your adult son.

It's paid in part by the charity that runs it, and the person who lives there. Either through Housing Benefit or from any employment they may have.

And they provide support to assist a move to independent living in the longer term.

I'm not sure why you've taken my comments so personally. If you'd RTFT you'd realise there are posters who don't completely understand what it is.

@soupfiend I'm with @Nextdoor55 on this one. Where I live you do not need a Care Package with an Accommodation element. As I said, Social Services work with a local charity to provide accommodation for those with ADHD, ASD or MH issues to provide a first step for independent living.

This is clearly not something you have as a local offer for SEND from what you are saying about care packages. Perhaps it's something you could suggest within your role for your area as it's an amazing scheme. Yes, it does require consent from the adult but who wouldn't want the opportunity to live independently in a house share?

@jamsandwiched I don’t think that the younger siblings will choose to stay with their Mum and older brother who winds them up, why would they? They’ll opt to live with their Dad.

I have ADHD so I understand the struggle from the other side, however, I would make the medication an absolute non-negotiable.
Tell him he can stay and move on as usual with the caveat that he MUST take his medication daily. If not then make plans for him to move out.
It may sound harsh but it could really help all these associated behaviors and the relationships that he has with the family, as well as being more likely to actually action his “action plans.”

This is really tough. I feel for you.

It does sound like the ideal would be for ds to gain some independence, but it's not realistic given his income and yours.

So he's going to have to buckle up and behave. As another poster pointed out, he needs to take his meds and get out of the house more to use up some of his energy.

My brother is energetic and he has a different club on every night - football, singing chorus, cricket, etc etc. Your son needs to make himself scarce so he doesn't get on dh's nerves as much.

Hard though it is to broach this with him, he's going to have to listen and take it seriously, otherwise you are all in grave danger of ending homeless and impoverished.

If he can't see that and get some survival instincts, then he's got to go, because otherwise he is taking the whole ship down with him. It's not fair on you and your other children.

In the UK. It's voluntary organisations - the council as in housing benefit pay the rent. This isn't unusual. You don't need a care act assessment, there are lots of ways that a young person can be vulnerable

Personally I do not think it's a good plan to make taking medication non negotiable. This is the sort of thing that gets people really upset & can really damage relationships

Not really, a lot of places have no affordable rooms available. I say that with two adult children living at home. There is no chance they will ever rent, it is way outside their price range ( and they have good graduate jobs) Their only chance of their own home is a mortgage, and although it will be cheaper than renting, it will take time to save up a deposit.

Where are these places outside of London? Essex has rooms about £500-650 a month all bills included and easy commute into London.

Shouldn't be a problem on a good graduate salary

People already ARE are upset and relationships already ARE damaged. In part because of this. The reality is that as a fully grown adult with capacity, he has to take at the very least SOME responsibility for managing his own mental health and medication for his own disability.
That is not an unreasonable request.
An entire family unit does not have to bend and maybe break because one member is not doing something simple within their control that could help them along with everyone else.

In the ops words he is “refusing to take it because he doesn’t think it does anything.” If he doesn’t see it as doing anything then there is no harm anyway!

I take my medication only in part for me and my mind, but equally I take it because I know that I don’t want to negatively impact those around me when I don’t have to. That’s just responsible.

Good for you. You haven’t walked a mile in anyone else’s shoes though have you. The OP has younger children’s welfare to consider.

@Nextdoor55 It’s changing his behaviour that’s the goal, rather than making him take medication.
If he’s able to stop winding up his siblings without medication, for example, that’s great.

Sometimes people do need medication to help them control certain behaviours though.

l’m diagnosed with anxiety and for me, medication is the most effective way to control it. I do other things to reduce anxiety, such as exercising regularly, but taking the right medication has genuinely transformed my life.

I would make him homeless so the council has to find him a place, which may be a room in a hostel until a single flat can be located. It’s kindest for all of you really. We lived in a shelter for 6 months at 21 and then moved to a nice home - the shelter was a good place for a person who wouldn’t do well moving straight into unsupervised living as he will just have one room and bathroom to take care of and communal kitchen and living areas.

Im not taking your comments personally but there is so much misinformation i this thread and getting OPs hopes up about whats out there is unhelpful

You dont just waltz up to a provider and get supported housing, that is the point, you need an assessment of need, if some providers dont link that to a care act need, fair enough but someone who is working independently, has skills enough to function and live independently but simply chooses not to, is not going to be prioritised over someone who really needs support

Its really unhelpful in these types of threads, and I see it all the time, where 'supported housing' or 'get a social worker' is bandied about without understanding what the sort of thresholds there are for intervention

Someone above was suggesting OP needs respite support, as if she is a full time personal carer for someone with personal/mobility needs or something. Its crazy.

How do your area social services 'work with a local charity to provide accommodartion' if they havent assessed need first. What area is this.

Under what guise

All assessments of need within social care start with the Care Act assessment, its how the packages and referrals on and support is determined.

Thank you @soupfiend for some sense in this! But re This is clearly not something you have as a local offer for SEND from what you are saying about care packages. Perhaps it's something you could suggest within your role for your area as it's an amazing scheme. Yes, it does require consent from the adult but who wouldn't want the opportunity to live independently in a house share? where on earth will the funding and staffing, oh and suitable accommodation come from?!

The problem is that the current situation is enabling DS to continue as he is with no plan and no consideration for others in the household. That’s not going to lead anywhere good for any of you, including him, unless you make some changes.

I think you should make a plan with your DH with independence at the end and a stepped up approach with timescales eg Step 1 is now until X date and includes the following requirements to continue living here eg take medication, do not annoy siblings etc. Step 2 takes him one step closer and so on. Build in a stepped up amount of rent (you can give it back to him at the end as a deposit). Make it gradual, but firmly leading to independence. Then sit down with him and present it to him and tell him these are the rules if he wants to stay at home a bit longer and here is the hard deadline for moving out. Don’t make it more comfortable to not launch than to make progress in life. If he wants to do it his way and ignore your plan, then he needs to leave now.

Being independent will boost his own confidence and improve his self-efficacy. He’s not going to figure out how to cope in the world out there if he is never forced to. With your plan you need to find a balance between gradually building his skills and not sacrificing everyone else’s happiness.