Adult son outstayed his welcome

[username1993]

Ds mid 20s is mine, however dh has tried really hard with him as a step dad but he's had enough, he now wants him to move out because he's coming between us.
Dh is stressed all the time because of the living arrangements, he's constantly unhappy and when I try and talk to ds about the issues he gets into a huff and walks out which means I can't find any compromise and then dh is annoyed because I can't do anything about the situation, ds has nowhere else to go so I can't kick him out but everyday things get worse, our marriage is hanging on by a thread and the only way it's going to survive is if ds finds somewhere else to live but he doesn't want to and we've had this conversation with him and he just gets upset because he's not ready and I end up feeling guilty.
Of course I love ds and dh and want to keep everyone happy but it's impossible when dh is so stressed with the situation.
Ds ADHD so has very high energy and is constantly pacing up and down and clicking his fingers and stimming, which drives dh to distraction, he won't take his medication and everything he's told to do/not to falls on deaf ears.
He's home (other than work) all the time so is a constant presence in the house, he's loud, winds up his siblings and makes untactful remarks which I don't think he means to but he just doesn't have any awareness of boundaries so comes across rude.
Ideally I'd like him to look for somewhere else to live because the hostility in the house is unbearable but how can I when he's already shared with me that he isn't ready.
Ds isn't very mature for mid 20s and still wants to spend all his time with the family which makes dh feel suffocated.
He's been his step dad since he was very young and they used to be close but didn't expect him to still be with us and so full on.
If things don't change and dh and I split because of this I will have to leave the family home because I am not a big earner and couldn't afford to live there without him, also our youngest ds and DD's life would be turned upside down and they're still children.
I really don't know how to keep everyone happy, I'm exhausted and feel so torn.

He needs supported housing aimed at people with additional needs. Can you approach the GP to ask for a referral?

Repeating again

People who need or want a care act assessment need to consent

Having consented they then engage with the assessment

OPs son is highly unlikely to meet the threshold for a care package, let alone a care package that involves accommodation

You cant attend the GP on someone elses behalf unless you have POA or they give consent in another way. How would OP 'approach the GP and ask for a referral'?

What about the younger children? Or do they not matter?

@neverbeenskiing The OP doesn’t want to coerce her DS or make him homeless. What she’s concerned about is that he’s going to lose the family whom he wants to live with due to his behaviour.

If her DH decides that he and his children can’t tolerate the behaviour anymore, it won’t be them who’ll be leaving, it’ll be the OP and her DS. Either she’ll have to buy him out of the family home or it’ll be sold. The younger siblings won’t choose to live with the OP and their annoying brother, they’ll stay with their Dad and the OP will be paying CM.

It’s clear that her DS doesn’t realize that his family is close to breaking up hence he’s refusing to consider changing his behaviour.

I really feel for you. You are in a very stressful situation, basically having to choose between two people you love. I feel you have to consider your two other children and your own future. Your son is mid twenties and could leave in a couple of years and your sacrifice could mean you are alone in future. I think you must show dh what you wrote on here, and maybe ds too. Could you start preparing ds for moving out, the three of you set a target, budget, life skills? Something positive to strive for , which ultimately is best for your son and also your dh might feel relief that there will be light at the end of the tunnel

Do you know how difficult it is to get supported living? OPs son holds down a job, goes to the gym and can drive - independently. He just refuses to take his medication.

That won't qualify him for supported living when there are people waiting who require assistance to get assistance to get dressed and can't go out without support at all.

He needs to be given reasonable notice to sort a room in a house share imo, say 6 months. Or be given non negotiable rules if he is to stay - but from what you've said it sounds like they wouldn't change anything. Sounds like he needs to go husband or no husband!

The ds with the right guidance may well attend GP appointment, I know this as I have been through equally as resistant dc's with similar conditions & got both into supported housing.
Will depend on the area & available support in both voluntary sector & housing. There will be at least one option. Neither needed a care act assessment because there are housing options without this. Usually 16-25 options & you normally have to apply but it's possible depending on area.

Key is not too give up & be positive & flexible.
We don't really know anything except that there are lots of young people in that position & with support they can get there.

However if this is not for whatever reason an option, OP can herself go to the GP & call adult social care for advice, anyone can. Particularly as a carer.

If you don't ask though. They are there to offer advice too.

Such fantastic well rounded advice Meadowwild.

I don't know if you have the outside space, but is say a 12 x 10 garden room timber clad outbuilding in the garden and option for your son? Some independence but still with you? They're really not expensive and are very cosy.

My own flesh & blood couldn't ever overstay her welcome. Not for anything. I cannot imagine saying that about my own child, wow

I have a husband with unmedicated adhd and I can understand why your husband feels the way he does. Sometimes I find it very hard to live with my husband. I think perhaps you should sit your son down and speak finances, is he saving up for a place somewhere later? It is possible you could help with finances - we had our parents chip in for a morgage deposit. Perhaps a house share if he cannot get an apartment or a house? I do think realistically, it will take time, we moved at 28 years old (the average age for moving out is late 20s). Perhaps sit down with your husband and make a plan (perhaps make a goal of if he saves x amount by x date you both help him search for a place?), adhd does not mean he is incapable. You need to sit down and make ground rules with your son. Set realistic boundries/goals. I have a daughter, I would never kick her out, but I do believe in independence and I will help her when I can. This will split your family apart if you dont. Tough love may be needed. I didnt want to move out in my early 20s, why would I when I didnt have to pay bills and I could afford everything? But sometimes tough love, I needed to be independent at some point. Keep communication open with your husband, you could lose him and even your other children if you do nothing at all.

Neurodiversity is unique and everyone is different and has different skills and areas for development. Personally, I’d support DS to develop at his own pace, with your support, because having to leave home before he’s ready or wanting to, could cause him
huge distress. If he does leave home, I think that he’ll need to be close by and will need your input on a regular maybe even a daily basis until he gets settled and into routines. Did your DH know your DS had special needs when he joined your family, at the very least over the years I’d imagine loves him as his own, so maybe it just requires an adjustment in handling - diffusing when the time is right but then also DS needs to know if he’s crossed a line - plus DH needs to see that he’s OP’s rock and her lifeline. I’m a mum of a neurodiverse 20 yo and it would be disastrous if he moved out just yet, he’s just not ready, but like I said everyone is different. His dad and I are a team and support DS the very best we can, though it’s not always easy. It’s just not as straight forward. Any which way your DS needs your guidance and support and maybe always will. Sending love to you all xx

Really? Even if he was physically assault you or siblings? Or smashing up everyone's belongings

Can he stay with his dad?

Sadly I think that the cuts and lack of provision with respect to supporting adults (and children!) with disabilities is only possible because so many people have no idea how brutal it is to try to get help, and how little help exists.

What life skills though? He has a full time job, able to drive can do washing and prepping food. And also manages to sort out car insurance etc so understands budgeting

He will still need some support, but there is no reason that can't be provided whilst he lives elsewhere.

Soft skills, understanding nuance and unspoken meaning, the neurotypical art of never saying what you actually mean, how to make and keep friends, etc. the stuff that's really important in coping in the NT world basically.

She can certainly go to adult services for advice and the advice will be 'does he want a care acrt assessment, is he consenting?'

The GP wont 'refer', because people can go straight to social services, thats the route in

Where do you live that you can access supported housing without it being as an assessed need by social services? Who is paying for it?

Social Services work with charities to provide supported housing for people with ADHD etc. Depending on age, this could be a first step for him to move out. He will then go on a waiting list for Social Housing.

It is really stressful and you don't realise how much until they move out. He should come first but it's easy to feel divided when you love your DH too x

He may never develop that. My OH is in his 60s and doesnt have those skills, certainly undiagnosed ND

My sibling has Aspergers and hasnt got those skills, she lives in a half million pound house, is nearly mortgage free and only works part time. She copes with the bits she can cope with very well.

AND what about the other, younger children? Does their wellbeing just fall by the wayside because an adult refuses to take his medication and behave?
Time to lay down some rules asap!

Well my ex has never managed these things and he is 62. Hasn't stopped him living independently for nearly 40 years.