Adult son outstayed his welcome

[username1993]

Ds mid 20s is mine, however dh has tried really hard with him as a step dad but he's had enough, he now wants him to move out because he's coming between us.
Dh is stressed all the time because of the living arrangements, he's constantly unhappy and when I try and talk to ds about the issues he gets into a huff and walks out which means I can't find any compromise and then dh is annoyed because I can't do anything about the situation, ds has nowhere else to go so I can't kick him out but everyday things get worse, our marriage is hanging on by a thread and the only way it's going to survive is if ds finds somewhere else to live but he doesn't want to and we've had this conversation with him and he just gets upset because he's not ready and I end up feeling guilty.
Of course I love ds and dh and want to keep everyone happy but it's impossible when dh is so stressed with the situation.
Ds ADHD so has very high energy and is constantly pacing up and down and clicking his fingers and stimming, which drives dh to distraction, he won't take his medication and everything he's told to do/not to falls on deaf ears.
He's home (other than work) all the time so is a constant presence in the house, he's loud, winds up his siblings and makes untactful remarks which I don't think he means to but he just doesn't have any awareness of boundaries so comes across rude.
Ideally I'd like him to look for somewhere else to live because the hostility in the house is unbearable but how can I when he's already shared with me that he isn't ready.
Ds isn't very mature for mid 20s and still wants to spend all his time with the family which makes dh feel suffocated.
He's been his step dad since he was very young and they used to be close but didn't expect him to still be with us and so full on.
If things don't change and dh and I split because of this I will have to leave the family home because I am not a big earner and couldn't afford to live there without him, also our youngest ds and DD's life would be turned upside down and they're still children.
I really don't know how to keep everyone happy, I'm exhausted and feel so torn.

OP my son is 25 and has only just moved out and started renting a bedsit. He is hard of hearing and was diagnosed as being on the autistic spectrum. My OH isn't his father and moved in with us 5 years ago.
He has found it hard as my ds can appear rude and not communicate at all. He is also loud and very messy and inconsiderate to how what he does effects those around him.
He would get up on the middle of the night and make hot food and shower and hoover whilst we tried to sleep.
I found it very difficult to be stuck in the middle as no matter how old my ds gets..he is still my son and he will always come first with having a home with me..it's his family home first and foremost.
2 years ago my ds moved in with my dad 200 miles away to start a new life so things calmed down and were more settled at home between OH and myself. My Ds then came back for a week, which turned into a month...which turned into a year. This was difficult for all of us but we made adjustments, set down ground rules ect.
It's so difficult for young people these days to leave the family home...lack of housing, good jobs and ridiculous rents and bills mean more and more are having to stay in the family home longer.
I think you need to sit down with your ds and set rules and explain how he is affecting the whole dynamic of the home. You also need to discuss his plans for the future and how you can work together towards him eventually moving out when he is ready and financially stable enough to do so.
You also need to tell your DH that the children always come first and he should understand that.

My adult DD (30's) has just been diagnosed with ADHD and put on medication, it's made a huge difference to her. Previously she was very moody when hormonal and sometimes had anxiety attacks, but not now.

Three of my DC were still living at home when this age (and older) and my oldest DS in particular used to drive my DH to distraction. We moved house, made them all leave home and they grew up at last. This was some years ago and we don't regret it at all, though some may think it was an extreme thing to do.
DS is still irritating, but he's aware that he can be annoying and at least he's not here all the time.

If they need something, yes. Or do you stop giving a shit once they get to a certain age??

Does he get PIP? Is he on social services radar? If not, start it now. PIP will help fund accommodation, social services will get him access to assisted accommodation, carers in to help give you respite. Otherwise you are stuck between siding with your son and being homeless without your other children or siding with your husband, kicking your son out and not seeking help for him - neither are palatable but son or husband is the choice you have. Perhaps spell it out to son if he doesn't adjust, he and you will be out on your ears homeless

Studies have shown those with ADHD are less mature. Give your DS a break. He can’t help his behaviour. Kids come first and he’s not cope on his own yet.

I think you need to be more proactive with your son as it seems he doesn't know what to do going forward or hasn't got the confidence and may not know what his options are out there . Look at houses of multiple occupancy where he'll have his own room with shared cooking and living space. Go and look at these with him rather than just talking to him. Don't give him the opportunity to go off in a huff.

Most adult children that age would rather eat their own knees than still be living at home.

He says he's not ready, and gets upset when you suggest it. Perhaps you need to sit down and find out exactly why he thinks this and what is worrying him so much about the thought. Is he worried about sharing? Being on his own? Being lonely? Paying rent and managing finances?

Once you know this then you can start to address the issues and start helping to remove the obstacles he sees. Making him feel reassured that you will still be around as support might help.

Its always the woman who gets stuck in the middle as peacemaker and it's exhausting and emotionally draining.

Have you read any of OPs posts?

He doesnt appear to need a better paying job, where have you got that from
Moving house? Oh yes, just like that
Read the thread, he doesnt see the need for meds, its not about shortages

When an adult acts in a childlike way and wont work with those around them in a team fashion as I said earlier in my post, it means little investment from them. So asking and negotiation is a lost fancy. He is being defiant because he wont engage with the way the hosuehold needs to be run and thats ok he doesnt have to, but what he does have to do, is move out if he cant engage like that.

This is the best, kindest, most compassionate answer I've read.

Coercing someone into taking medication they don't want by implying they will be made homeless doesn't sit well with me at all.

Have you tried family mediation? Also have a chat with your gp because you must be stressed out trying to manage the situation. Does your son fully understand what his behaviour is doing to the rest of the household?

I wonder if Social Services may be able to help? Perhaps with some sort of supported living arrangement? He might enjoy being amongst other young people. The behaviours that annoy your DH are part and parcel of your son’s disability. You need qualified advice to help your DS to make the next step.
I am not impressed with your DH tbh fatherhood does not have an end date. This shouldn’t be dumped in your lap to manage alone. Wishing you all the best.

I'm not saying that at all, but as an autistic woman with two neurodivergent children I can tell you that we really do need to stim! It's very important in regulating ourselves.

Fine but thats not equal to 'and I can cause distress to other people because my needs trump theirs'

And it is unlikely that he does it at work or at the gym otherwise he wouldnt be able to maintain those relationships

Does your son have a social worker/key worker?
Have you been in touch with them and explained how his ADHD is impacting on the rest of the family? Something to consider and discuss with his key worker would be assisted living. I think this way he could have company with on-site carers who would also help with him taking his meds. Is it possible he could get his medication via another form rather than orally, injection once a week/ month might be option.
It is hard as you are still a mother first and last but also your and your DHs sanity and the needs of the other children need to be taken into account.

A young man who can drive, maintain a car and hold down a decent albeit low paid job won't be anywhere near the threshold for adult social care involvement even if his disability causes problems in his personal relationships.

There's a massive shortage of supported living accommodation and the people who are assessed as needing it are a long way from the independence skills this young man has.

There is a recognised gap in early intervention and support for ND people who don't meet Care Act thresholds but there's very little money to implement preventative services.

ND people shouldn't have to mask their symptoms at home the way many feel compelled to in work or social settings. That would mean he can't be himself anywhere at all.

The people posting on here about getting social services/accommodation, I think one post mentioned respite care for the OP!!!!

They're living in fantasy land. And its incredibly disempowering for anyone of her son's level of functioning to be even thinking like that. He is comfortable at home, why wouldnt he be and doesnt want to move out, understandable.

But it doesnt mean he is incapable of living independently and needs or meets the threshold for a care package!!!

Yes he can be himself in his own accommodation. He is upsetting and distressing the lives of 4 other people, why is that right, why dont they matter?

And you're specifically cherry picking on the stimming aspect, what about his behaviour toward his siblings, is that ok? Just to be tolerated?

Agreed. This is a video about Supported Living and is fairly typical of the people who need accommodation and meet the threshold. The people featured will not drive or hold down jobs. They might manage a small amount of volunteering or community activities. Often they cannot keep themselves safe and some will need care through the night.

I don't see how you can allow one member of the family to disregard another 3 members.

Not taking medication is blatant disregard for those other 3 family members living in the same household.

This is apart from he fact that it is breaking up the family

How would you feel if the family broke up and the house was sold, then your ds decides its time to move into his own place?

Hi op,

does he pay his way? If not, I would start that now so that he has some base on how to do when out. Also I would make him pay his way for the family outings if you guys are still paying for stuff for him…maybe that will make him « choose » the family time and not just come along everything…giving your dh more space. So : « we think you are of age to pay such and such… we will pay for these special occasions such as Christmas etc…but on a weekly basis, you have to pay for this and that. »

Your ds needs to observe some rules in the family space…ADHD can’t be the reason why everything he can’t. But then if he is also first babe out of the nest…that would be why trials and errors. You sound wanting to find a healthy resolution and your dh seems patient enough. Don’t panic. your son needs to hear and accept the demands from both you and stepdad.

Good luck 🌺

I know this is hard for you to do, but I think you have to insist that your son moves out. Find him a bed sit near home (but draw the line at him spending every evening with you. Speak to your husband. You have said how patient and supportive he has been over the years. Tell him you need that now. No raised voices, no argument, just kind, firm assistance in getting his stuff together and helping him settle in. You don’t only have your marriage to consider (as you say, what will you be left with when your son decides to go), but you also have your other children’s peace of mind in the home to consider and it sounds like they are younger than your son.

The alternative of course is that he takes his medication and behaves better, but he refuses to do that. He is making a choice by doing that and he’s old enough to make that choice.

He is a young man and he’s refusing to take his medication. In making that choice, he is making all the family miserable, including his younger siblings. Don’t they have a right to have a happy, relaxed home?