To expect a 13/14 yo to get themselves out the door in the morning

[MyDogsPaws]

I have to leave for work 1hr before my dd (just turned 14) leaves for school in the morning. Younger dc leave with me for breakfast club. I make sure she is up and give her an opportunity to tell me about any expected disasters i.e doesn’t know where gym kit is, lost her laptop charger etc before I leave. All she has to do is get dressed put stuff in bag and leave the house on time to catch the bus.

Last year this was just a complete nightmare, she would constantly phone me with some new disaster while I was driving for work, not be ready in time miss the bus and phone really upset because she was going to be very late for school and get in trouble, plus regular sudden illnesses that meant she ‘couldn’t’ Go to school I suspect mostly because she knew she would be late and finds being late very stressful and upsetting.

She isn’t a very organised or motivated person and struggles a lot with time management , so I know it’s more difficult for her than a lot of teens her age but I feel like this is quite a basic responsibility that she should be able to manage. However my friend says her similar ages ds couldn’t manage to get himself out the door in the morning without her constant prompts so if makes me wonder if I am expecting too much from her. No idea what the alternative would be though as I have no other option’s!

My two kids were either end. One (girl) liked to be early and got herself up and out and to school well in advance of the bell (they walked). Son, well if registration was over at 8.50 he thought 8.49 was a good time to head out. I never had to go drop in something my DD forgot - it was fairly constant with my son! Oddly my DD is not a morning person and my son absolutely is!
So now son is 21 and has worked since he was 16 (part time then). He has never been late for work and is usually the first one there. He is disciplined and focused. He has lived on his own since 18, pays his bills, organises the dentist etc without any prompting. It's because he didn't care about school - it was a social club for him that's all. My DD however is super academic and didn't want to miss a thing.
Motivation counts for a lot. You have to figure out how to motivate her to get to school.

My 11 year old manages to do this with no trouble.

The consequences might be quite severe and lifelong if she's in GCSE course years. I would help her now, she clearly needs it.

I agree be ready and organised the night before.

Also, if it's possible just set an (egg) timer. So it goes off, time to grab the stuff and go!

There's support and doing it all for her.

I agree that it sounds like it isn't going to work to just step out of it and let her miss a load of school. But packing her bag, laying out her clothes and/or quitting your job to be around to chivvy her are not going to solve the problem long term.

There's a middle ground where you ask her what would help her, and help her set those routines up.

I have ADHD and really struggled with this as a teen but I found my own way - very loud alarm clock set across the room, many lists etc. Even if she does have additional needs, she needs to find her own coping mechanisms - with help - not to be babied

But everyone's different and children develop at their own pace.

Dd has been doing this since age 10 when she begged not to go to breakfast club anymore. I find it best to have everything organised ready the night before. I only got phone calls about petty arguments with her big sister which they know now that I refuse to entertain so these have stopped. What sort of disasters are happening? As long as pe kit/soecial equipment such as for swimming day is sorted, clothes and lunch are ready i can't imagine what there could be that's particularly urgent that can't wait til the next day. I have told dc that I am driving then in work so only to call me if it's an actual emergency!

I think this is true of life in general. IME more academic people are less good with mundane practicalities.

Love this.

But actually, I suspect there are more 13 / 14 yr olds who would find this a struggle, than there are 13 / 14 yr olds who wouldn't have any problem with it.

My 13 yo has terrible organisation skills. My 15yo isn't too bad. They have both been responsible for getting themselves ready and to school since start of year 7. No way would I be packing a bag for a child in secondary school unless they had significant disabilities preventing it.
There have been calls from my 13 yo about being late, being ill etc. My answer has been you need to go into school, I won't be calling them and if they call me I will not be making any excuses for you. Forgotten PE kits I did drop off once or twice on year 7 but then it was on them if they forgot it.
You need to just not fix things for them and then they learn to manage independently. They're only a few years from adulthood. They need to be prepared for that.

DS can but he required a fair bit of training as naturally disorganised. Something that helped was setting lots of alarms with instructions. Brush teeth etc. brush hair, leave house sounds naff but it did help.

Stop taking the panicky calls; let her be late and get in trouble once or twice and she'll soon improve. (If she decides she's "ill" and can't go to school when you know she's not, don't call the school. If the school calls you, tell them the truth). When the consequences fall on you instead of her, you'll see different behaviour.

This...

And in no time our teens were able to sort themselves.
No one wanted to leave with us and being dropped at school in the end.

We packed bags the night before, their dad makes their lunches but we use the Echo dot in the mornings (actually it might be able to do it straight from the app on the phone but we have had it set up like this for a long time so I am not sure).

I made a routine which does voice prompt reminders, helps keep them on track and I set it up originally because I was sick of repeating myself, but it makes life so much easier. Plus if the youngest is feeling grumpier than usual she quites like mouthing off at echo because nobody gets cross with her for telling he AI to shut up

It can read the calendar out too so they get reminded if they had homework due/p.e kit/something stupid going on at school like a cake sale they have forgotten about.