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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect a 13/14 yo to get themselves out the door in the morning

89 replies

MyDogsPaws · 18/08/2024 09:15

I have to leave for work 1hr before my dd (just turned 14) leaves for school in the morning. Younger dc leave with me for breakfast club. I make sure she is up and give her an opportunity to tell me about any expected disasters i.e doesn’t know where gym kit is, lost her laptop charger etc before I leave. All she has to do is get dressed put stuff in bag and leave the house on time to catch the bus.

Last year this was just a complete nightmare, she would constantly phone me with some new disaster while I was driving for work, not be ready in time miss the bus and phone really upset because she was going to be very late for school and get in trouble, plus regular sudden illnesses that meant she ‘couldn’t’ Go to school I suspect mostly because she knew she would be late and finds being late very stressful and upsetting.

She isn’t a very organised or motivated person and struggles a lot with time management , so I know it’s more difficult for her than a lot of teens her age but I feel like this is quite a basic responsibility that she should be able to manage. However my friend says her similar ages ds couldn’t manage to get himself out the door in the morning without her constant prompts so if makes me wonder if I am expecting too much from her. No idea what the alternative would be though as I have no other option’s!

OP posts:

shellyleppard · 18/08/2024 09:18

I had the same with my sons. We used to do a checklist the night before. Put everything out they would need for the following day....it was the only thing that worked.

GardenGuardian · 18/08/2024 09:18

Could she/you be more organised the night before so that the mornings are simpler?

Octavia64 · 18/08/2024 09:20

You can expect all you like but your teen clearly can't do it.

Work with the teen you have not the teen you want.

Watsername · 18/08/2024 09:20

Get everything out the night before, and have a checklist for actions and things that can’t be prepared beforehand.

singularsensation · 18/08/2024 09:20

I just think some kids can't manage. It's frustrating but better to help and support than let them fail in my view.

So - at the weekend make sure all uniform washed and hung up
Night before bag packed, uniform laid out.
Calendar with space for all significant events in the week / month.

urbanbuddha · 18/08/2024 09:20

Pack her bag the night before, lay out her clothes. Help her until she gets into the routine.

Muchtoomuchtodo · 18/08/2024 09:21

It sounds as if things go wrong after you leave - she doesn’t get everything done in time. Can you help her to make sure that she is dressed and her bag is packed before you leave (even if she has to get up a bit earlier to do this) and then leave an alarm on for her. She knows that as soon as that goes off all she has to do is pick up her bag and go.

Original poster

MyDogsPaws · 18/08/2024 09:22

@GardenGuardian yes in theory she is but still manages to have some little disaster or other!

@Octavia64 in this case there is no way of working with the teen I have, she HAS to get out the door to school every day there no alternative.

OP posts:

HowIrresponsible · 18/08/2024 09:22

13 is still pretty young. Why not pack her bag for her the night before and leave her clothes out.

CallieRose · 18/08/2024 09:22

My son is younger and manages it. I get him up early and he showers, gets dressed and has breakfast. We make sure his bag is packed the night before. If he's having a packed lunch I check he's put that in before I leave. When I leave he's only got to finish eating and clean his teeth, sometimes he has already done that though. We have 2 alarms set on his phone - one with a 10 minute warning in case he still doesn't have shoes on/teeth done then a final one which means he should be leaving. The timings allow a little grace period too. He has to catch a bus so really can't be late.

Edingril · 18/08/2024 09:23

I organise in the morning or night before so all they do is leave on time

I shouldn't have to organise a teenager but it works for us

Parker231 · 18/08/2024 09:24

HowIrresponsible · 18/08/2024 09:22

13 is still pretty young. Why not pack her bag for her the night before and leave her clothes out.

A 13 should not need her bag packed for her and clothes laid out. DT had to do it from 11 along with getting the Tube.

Ponoka7 · 18/08/2024 09:26

The only thing that you can do is leave her to navigate the disaster and take the consequences. Let her know that it's better to be late than a no-show. Managing things helps with self esteem. Stress gas to learn to be dealt with and feeing anxious, ignored.

EatTheGnome · 18/08/2024 09:27

Do the checklist thing first if it doesnt work then she needs to get up and get ready at the same time as you and then leave independently an hour later.

If that doesn't work, can she go into a breakfast club? Sure, other kids will be younger but her being late or failing to attend or you coming back and being late to work are not options.

dancinfeet · 18/08/2024 09:27

so because she cannot organise herself I would tell her she has to get up much earlier and be completely ready for school before you leave for work in a morning? then all she has to do is use the extra hour to perhaps have breakfast and read until it’s time to leave. Alarm set on phone as a reminder, 5 mins before she has to set off for the bus. If she wants the extra hour in bed she has to prove that she is capable of organising her time effectively so that she isn’t late?

Ozgirl75 · 18/08/2024 09:32

I have a 13 year old and yes, I am around in the morning but he gets himself up and ready and ready to go. He packs his bag the night before and checks his timetable to see if he needs things like PE kit. He hangs up uniform the night before so he knows he has everything.
I make breakfast for him and his brother but he knows what time he has to leave so works back from then.
It really only works though because of night before organising.

OneRealRosePlayer · 18/08/2024 09:39

i did this from age 11. I even had to feed the dog and make my mum a cup of tea. Yes, there were days that i messed up but mostly it was fine. Can you not practice with her at the weekend? Or set reminders on her phone?

WASZPy · 18/08/2024 09:40

I agree with getting her up and completely ready before you leave. Then all she has to do is walk out the door at the right time. However, maybe she is just not ready to be left for that hour?

My DS is exactly the same age. I need to leave for work an hour before he needs to be at school. When he started Y7, I tried leaving him to sort himself out so he could sleep longer. He soon started being really sad and anxious. When we dug into this it became apparent that he wasn't coping with waking up alone and then also coming home to an empty house sometimes.

Now, he gets up and ready an hour earlier and I take him to his dad's office and they go for coffee together every morning (DH goes to work at 5.30am and has a coffee at 7am ish anyway). DH just asked him yesterday whether he still wanted to do coffee in the mornings next year or take himself to school later- he still wants the coffee. He should be OK to be alone at his age- but he isn't and we just have to work with that.

ByUmberCrow · 18/08/2024 09:41

Help her run through her routine and time it, OP - then set up a run of alarms on her phone so she knows how much time she has for each task.
My daughter (slightly younger) has no concept of time so this helps her to focus on what she needs to be doing and when.

Comedycook · 18/08/2024 09:43

You need to help her help herself.

So night before get everything ready by the front door. Lunch if she needs it...ready in fridge next to water bottle and in some place every day. Pe kit and school books already sorted out so she just needs to pick up and go. School shoes and coat next to them and bus pass. Uniform laid out in her room.

Not everyone is naturally organised and it is a skill which needs to be learnt.

deluxe · 18/08/2024 09:47

This is unpopular opinion, but this is exactly the reason I was a sahm mum for so many years. Then when I did work, I never started before 10am. My kids can get home on their own, but waking up and getting out the door with no parental supervision is just a disaster waiting to happen.

Remaker · 18/08/2024 09:47

I’ve got one who could do it with no problem and one who is hopeless and would be late every day if we didn’t encourage him along. I’m at home so I can do it. In your case I agree with the suggestion that she gets up earlier and gets completely ready before you leave then she can have some free time or homework time with an alarm set to be out the door for the bus.

RhaenysRocks · 18/08/2024 09:51

I don't think the age that a child "should" be able to do these things is a helpful way to think about. Just like adults, they're all different so just because some could completely do this at 11, another may not be able to at 17. Plenty of adults on here still disorganised, late, messy etc. If you can't change the logistics, as others have said, it's about doing as much as possible the night before.

Sweetteaplease · 18/08/2024 09:53

Can you put together a check list, and also get her to do what she can the night before

Wheelz46 · 18/08/2024 09:54

Does your daughters high school offer a breakfast club? Our high schools offer this, it isn't something they have to sign up for as it's available to all students, so they open the doors 1 hour early for students who wish to attend.

If this is an option, could you drop her off after dropping your younger 2 off or vice versa?

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