To expect a 13/14 yo to get themselves out the door in the morning

[MyDogsPaws]

I have to leave for work 1hr before my dd (just turned 14) leaves for school in the morning. Younger dc leave with me for breakfast club. I make sure she is up and give her an opportunity to tell me about any expected disasters i.e doesn’t know where gym kit is, lost her laptop charger etc before I leave. All she has to do is get dressed put stuff in bag and leave the house on time to catch the bus.

Last year this was just a complete nightmare, she would constantly phone me with some new disaster while I was driving for work, not be ready in time miss the bus and phone really upset because she was going to be very late for school and get in trouble, plus regular sudden illnesses that meant she ‘couldn’t’ Go to school I suspect mostly because she knew she would be late and finds being late very stressful and upsetting.

She isn’t a very organised or motivated person and struggles a lot with time management , so I know it’s more difficult for her than a lot of teens her age but I feel like this is quite a basic responsibility that she should be able to manage. However my friend says her similar ages ds couldn’t manage to get himself out the door in the morning without her constant prompts so if makes me wonder if I am expecting too much from her. No idea what the alternative would be though as I have no other option’s!

Stop baling her out but insist she gets her arse to school no matter how late she is. One week of that and she will get her act together.

Give her two options - either she gets everything ready the evening before, and uses a series of alarms in the morning to remind her when to do each thing (e.g. alarm to get up, 10 minute warning alarm before time to leave, then alarm when its actual time to go) or she gets up earlier and gets ready while you're still home and then wait until its time to go (perhaps a good time to do homework?).

Appreciate its difficult for her but she has to learn, you have to work! She will get it eventually, but for now it is probably better than getting bag ready is done while you are at home (but she has to do it herself, and if she asks you where things are, remind her that she needs to find them herself, instead of you finding them for her)

I know children that have been doing this since 7 years old, I'm sure they all struggle in the beginning but they will learn from their mistakes.

If she can't get up and out of the house once you are gone, then she needs to be up and completely ready to go by the time you leave.

Despite it being an hour early, if she can't be trusted by herself, she can use that hour to relax, read a book etc before setting out on time.

At 13 and assuming no special needs, yes, she should be able to manage it. Maybe she needs to get up earlier (which may require going to bed earlier).

I can’t believe people suggesting to lay out her clothes for her and pack her bag. She is 13!
Leave her to her own devices, she will learn. She will realise she is much more self-sufficient than she thinks she is.

Not everyone functions well in morning is she getting enough sleep? She really needs to pack her bag and organise what she's wearing night before. Like many teens she's probably on her phone I have a strict no phones/screens on unless ready to go out door

I think you can try stepping up the supports eg alarms, remote chivvying etc, as PP have said, but if she is really struggling with it then it might be that she just really isn't ready yet, in which case I'd get her to leave the house at the same time as you. Is your drive to breakfast club in the same direction as her school or a different one? Is there a friend's house near school she could go to for half an hour before school starts? Or is the school library open for early study?

Christ, DD was sorting out her uniform, including ironing, getting her bag packed, sorting out breakfast and getting herself out the door on time from the time she started secondary school.

Barring a child with additional needs, who on earth packs a 13 year olds bag for them?

My DD could do it no problem from age 12. My DS? Utterly different story.

I knew from year 7 to sock my bag the night before. Why isn't she doing that?

Pack bag night before including any necessary PE kit. Bag by the door. Uniform hung up in room ready to go. Shoes by front door. If necessary leave bowl and spoon / cereal at the table for her. That way all she needs to do is wake up, brush teeth / get ready, put on uniform already waiting, eat breakfast already laid out, walk to door and put on shoes / grab bag.

*pack

Can you work out something that includes her leaving with you - can you drop her at her dad's/a friend's/breakfast club?

If she can't mange to get out to school by herself, even with the support of checking everything the night before, she'll have to get up earlier and leave at the same time as you and her siblings.

She either gets herself ready and out the door on time herself or she needs to be up and dressed ready to go for you leaving for work.

to help to start with, you could make a time line of what’s she needs to do. Eg,
7.45 get up
7.50 breakfast
8.00 get dressed brush teeth etc
8.30 leave for school

What time does her school open? Can you take her with you and deliver her at school after the little ones have been delivered at breakfast club?

I love this, seems like he has such a bond with his dad but also that you are all open enough in your household to be able to discuss the issue.

The person who said leave them to their own devices..no, the devices are the problem. Do some googling and work out how to restrict access to phone and Wi-Fi between certain hours of the morning. My guess is that she’ll improve.

It’s really not her fault. The apps are designed to keep you wanting to be online.

How does she learn. I'd assume she isn't a creature of habit otherwise she'd be out on time. Does she work well with lists? Could you have a timetable near the front door. She can then add anotations to it, so P.E day what exactly she needs to take. Plus a side column of extras such as bus pass, phone charger that she might not think of?

Then every night she sees what she needs to pack into her bag and does it with guidance initially from yourself and then you gradually step back.

She may be 13/14 but might just not be there yet or have the coping mechanisms in place to just stop and think without a meltdown.

OP are you sure there's no neurodivergence?

Mine are autistic and need a lot of help. I had to go self employed in order to be flexible enough to support them. My DD is 15 and absolutely wouldn't be able to get herself ready and out in time to catch a bus.

This.
This is what we do. Nomolly-coddling here.
Both of them are now very competent at organizing themselves. They even pack their suitcases and manage the documents they need for travel and check-in, etc. They're both in their early teens, the situation was not always the most ideal. However, through experiencing tears, tantrums, and a few detentions, they have gradually come to appreciate the value of orderliness and conscientiousness.

Surely you could help her prep her morning the night before if you know this is something she'll struggle with? Have everything laid out and bags and lunch packed and sitting by the door so all she should need to do is get washed and dressed, pick up her things and leave?

Why not get HER to pack her back and lay out clothes the night before. She's not at nursery FFS

I had the same with my DS even though I was giving him a lift. We would get everything ready the night before and he would still run late. It was so stressful. This went on for a couple years and then suddenly he was ok.

Seriously? She is a teenager, not a 3 year old.

It doesn't really matter if other 13/14yo can do it. You have to parent the child you have in front of you, not some imaginary/idealised version of her.

She very clearly needs support so you need to do something to arrange that.

Whether that is supporting her to completely pack her bag and lay out her clothes the night before, or rearranging stuff so you can be there, whatever - she needs help.