To expect a 13/14 yo to get themselves out the door in the morning

[MyDogsPaws]

I have to leave for work 1hr before my dd (just turned 14) leaves for school in the morning. Younger dc leave with me for breakfast club. I make sure she is up and give her an opportunity to tell me about any expected disasters i.e doesn’t know where gym kit is, lost her laptop charger etc before I leave. All she has to do is get dressed put stuff in bag and leave the house on time to catch the bus.

Last year this was just a complete nightmare, she would constantly phone me with some new disaster while I was driving for work, not be ready in time miss the bus and phone really upset because she was going to be very late for school and get in trouble, plus regular sudden illnesses that meant she ‘couldn’t’ Go to school I suspect mostly because she knew she would be late and finds being late very stressful and upsetting.

She isn’t a very organised or motivated person and struggles a lot with time management , so I know it’s more difficult for her than a lot of teens her age but I feel like this is quite a basic responsibility that she should be able to manage. However my friend says her similar ages ds couldn’t manage to get himself out the door in the morning without her constant prompts so if makes me wonder if I am expecting too much from her. No idea what the alternative would be though as I have no other option’s!

My 13 year old can and will and has done for over a year

It's rare that he has to . His dad starts work at 7am so leaves 6.30, DSs school bus is 7.45. Most days I leave for work at 7.50 but I do an on call overnight once a week so if I've been called in then he may be getting himself up and out. I do text him to make sure he's up and he will text me to say he's on the bus.

Sit down with her and ask her what she thinks would help.

Checklists etc more likely to work if she has written it, been involved in the idea.

Don't lay out her clothes and pack her bag. Encourage her to do it the night before. I do that for my 5 year old, the 7 year old sorts himself out...

Nah, my DS managed it from age 11 with no disasters, I worked full time.

Work with her to see what will work for her. Ask her where she thinks the problems are and get her to suggest solutions (or make her think they are their idea) maybe a white board with each day on? Or up and dressed and ready when you leave then can have an hour having breakfast, homework or chilling with everything ready. Mine dither about after shower etc and I try to encourage them to only do that (pick up phones etc) after they are totally ready

On average yes, but clearly yours struggles with organisation so she can’t.

So help her build that skill by using checklists, getting everything prepped the night before etc - she’ll get it she just needs more help than most (does she struggle with this at school too)?)

It really isn’t - you are talking about learned helplessness there, which can be caused by over parenting

Some kids need more help, like the OP’s, but most can sort it by this age fine. Even the more organisationally challenged can be sorted - the OP is not going to have to give up her job..

As PP have said, I would make sure she is fully ready before you leave the house. 13 is a tricky age, your expectations are not unreasonable but your 13 is not unreasonable to not be able to manage them,

It's not an unpopular opinion, more a completely irrelevant one. OP doesn't have the option to not work.

She packs her bag the night before and gets uniform ready. You check it. She gets up same time as you and b the morning and gets dressed and ready before you leave. Bag is by the door and she's eating breakfast. All she has to do is walk out the door. Alarm on her phone for time she needs to leave.

You could also create an incentive for getting to school on time.

What sort of disasters are you talking about OP?

I'd be (getting her to) do a print out of her timetable so she can see what lessons she has the next day, including marking the calendar up with A and B weeks if necessary.

Then it's a main list for "normal lessons" and subsidiary lists for anything where she has to take weird stuff e.g. food tech, PE etc. If it fixes it you might be well off having one list for each timetable day. Yes it feels crazy but if what you're doing at the moment isn't working the only solution is to change what you're doing.

Then it's getting her to do the whole list the night before so that everything that has the potential to be a disaster is run through. Then if she has a disaster like sleeping through her alarm or whatever you can at least just stump up for a school lunch and she can zoom out the door.

The alternative would be to suggest she gets up earlier and then does an hour's homework before she leaves (alarms set to remind her to stop and lock up etc on a smart speaker?). You never know, she might prefer this if she's struggling.

Some people always struggle to get out the door so it's about working with them to create a scaffolding that allows them to then create their own scaffolding for things they need to do as an adult.

I’d add these supports op, but the bottom line is many children start boarding at 13 and have to manage so I don’t think you are asking something totally age inappropriate. You might also find building in some of the tips for adhd might help ( setting alarms for different stages, start breakfast etc).

I think a good talk is necessary too, about how you have no option but to do things this way, what way can you best support etc . The phoning you en route gives me a slight suspicion there might be an element of attention-seeking from you in it. Normally by this age they might think “ oh crap: I can’t find my charger” but would know that you can’t find it from the car …

My father always helped me pack my bag and keep my uniform, socks, shoes all ready in the night. Yes, occasionally there was a last minute rush, mostly due to me being slow.

In my experience some kids just need someone there to chivvy them.along. . u can't be there, so she will just hsve to leave the same time as u and wait for bus

my son is the same age and has to get himself out the door in the morning, we make sure his bag is packed the night before (gym kit/homework etc) and uniform is out and ready, I wake him before I leave - he used to have alarms on his phone to keep him on track

• get in shower
• eat breakfast
• get dressed
• 5mins until you need to leave
• time to leave

he said it helped him stay on track and manage his time - he doesn’t use the alarms any more as he is now in a routine - he said he might use them for the first couple of weeks back at school just to get back into routine.

We have also encouraged our teens to make good use of the phone calendar; so after school clubs, music lesson, late pick ups, PE- anything that requires extra bag or change of routine goes in the phone calendar. We run through everything on Sunday together- if I can't do pick ups/Dad collecting/need to take pe kit it is on there. Reminders then pop up the day before.

Well because that wouldn’t help the OP’s daughter learn any life skills would it?

Helping her daughter to pack her own bag, and then building her a checklist till she can go it alone would be helpful.

2 solutions.

You both pack together the night before and get her clothes out and ready.

Then

She gets up when you do in the morning and is ready to leave when you are so she won't be late as all she has to do is leave.

Then screen time is earned through doing these tasks and going to school.

If she can't organise herself you can't make her something she isn't. But also just because she struggles it's not an excuse not to work on a long term solution and a way around it. The suggestion above is a suitable solution.

I think they’re all just so different. Some kids will be absolutely fine at doing this.

I have one child who is very self sufficient and one who is older (similar age to yours) who needs constant reminders and even then she is often late.

It’s interesting because me and my husband are the same. He is extremely organised but I am a disaster and quite often few minutes late to work then I’ll realise I’ve forgotten my lunch etc.

I sometimes despair at my daughter who just simply cannot seem to get herself ready (or do her homework, or shower, brush teeth etc) but a. How can I judge when I’m similar and b. Comparison is the thief of joy! She’s not organised but she’s better at some kids in other areas.

I can’t give many tips other than getting up really early, getting stuff ready the night before, and setting alerts on her Alexa (e.g brush your teeth now, you need to leave in 5 minutes, etc!)

Don't do anything FOR her. That will infantalise her and stop her developing resilience and self reliance.

Be aware adolescence is a time of chaos and change - their brains are like a chrysalis turning from caterpillar to butterfly and need time to develop and settle and mature. Time awareness, confidence, thinking ahead and consequences - all these are different in adolescents.

Help her plan and organise to do it herself. If she doesn't build these skills now, their absence will affect her in adulthood.

Supervise planning sessions where she produces her own checklists for weekend, morning and evening, shopping lists for back to school, etc.

Reminders and nudges to consult her own lists, praise when she realises there are bits missing and she needs to change something, well dones when she's all ready to go on time - support and feedback matters. It's your job, just as if you were a line manager looking after a team. And just as managers need to learn those skills, so do parents!

There's a load of advice on parenting teen girls out there - I liked this article

www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/more-than-womens-work/201805/10-rules-for-living-with-a-teenage-daughter

I have one teen who has been able to organise herself in the morning without chivvying from age 11, and an 18 year old who still struggles to get up and out on time in the morning. People are different.

If you can't be there to chivvy, I recommend remote chivvying ie using smart speaker or phone reminders, if necessary for every step of the process and with plenty of margin for slowness/last minute losing things. Also getting them to sort as much as possible the night before.

YANBU. Checklist, pack bag night before, and if she still can't do it she'll have to get up an hour earlier and you all leave together.

I do not know if mine were unusual but they would have been mortified to have needed help to get themselves to school at that age, one slightly more than the other. There is a lot of satisfaction in being independent. I run my own business and frequently had other things to think about in the morning than whether or not they had remembered to put their PE kit in the wash.

Suppertime on Sunday is a good time to do a quick check of the coming week. Does anyone need a lift anywhere, is there a trip which needs to be paid for, remember to take house keys on Wednesday because nobody will be in when you get back.

If your DD is not ready to be independent yet, see if you can do baby steps towards this, with perhaps the aim of being successful by half term or January. Learned helplessness does them no favours, and if it is due to some particular difficulty all the more reason to do your joint best to overcome it.

Do parents really pack school bags at that age? I don't think I ever saw the inside of my DCs bags/rucksacks when they were at secondary school. I do remember one of mine frantically washing out a rucksack the day before term started one September, I think a squashed banana had been in there all summer!

Do parents really pack school bags at that age?

Many parents on here pack for their university age children...

Yes!!! Same. I think us adults these days are soooooo diff from this new generation. My kids are bloody useless. (Young adults). Yeah I used to get myself up from age 11, dressed, breakfast, go to the shop to get the morning paper for my mum, feed the dog, make a cup of tea for my mum and take it up to her, sit and chat with her for 10mins b4 I had to leave for school. Oh those were the days. Kids seem so fragile these days. 🥲

My twins have been self sufficient from 11. They still lose keys so we have a key safe but laying clothes out for a teen, not a chance. Ring helps. I can check they've locked the door and alarmed.