Fed up with dh and sex life

[sunshinesusan853]

Posted about this before and ultimately I know it's a situation that can't be fully rectified unless I LTB which I can't right now for many reasons so I guess I'm looking for ways to improve or at least accept the situation.

Dh is 50 I am 36. He uses Viagra for ED. We have a young child and we are both knackered. But been on holiday recently and sex was basically non existent mostly because he drank too much and fell asleep early.

His idea of a sex life is booking in sex once or twice a month and getting it done as soon as dc is in bed at around 6/7pm. He isnt a fan of bedtime sex because he's too tired by then and on edge because dc occasionally comes into our room at night.

I'm so sick of having my sex life limited to designated times and days. I've tried to understand and I get that he needs to prepare by taking a Viagra but fuck me it's so unsexy. On holiday recently I just wanted to do it at night and getting rebuffed because he was too pissed and tired is depressing as fuck.

He's a good husband and father. We have a nice life. But the sex is all on his terms and I'm sick of it. There have been times recently where I haven't felt like it immediately after putting dc to bed so I've said no but then it feels like another missed opportunity. Should it really be this difficult?

It was fairly foreseeable…

He’s 14 years older than you.

Well it’s hardly his fault if he has ED. I mean what happens if he pops a pill on the morning to please you and his erection stays all day?

Assume this pill lasts for hours

And? Many men in their fifties are still able to enjoy active sex lives. He's taken Viagra since we met, I think it's been an issue for him for some time. But he doesn't prioritise my feelings or needs, it's all about getting it done when's convenient for him,

You need to calmly talk.

It’s nothing to do with his age - my DH turned 70 this year and we not only make love 4-6 times a week on average, it is loving for both of us every time. And we cuddle plenty too. I feel cherished and respected at all times. Do you? If not, talk.

Things would be better if he cut out the drinking. Not only because he wouldn't be pissed & tired but also it adds to his ED.

Also Cialis is better than Viagra. Stays in the system longer (up to 36 hours they say) - I've tried both & I was certainly harder than usual 2 days after.

If he us willing to try both of these remedies then yes, you need to LTB.

Have you talked to him about how you feel? Let him know that the booking in sex doesn't feel so good for you and try to come up with a solution.

If he needs viagra, then he will have to plan it in advance to an extent, so I'm not sure how you'd get round that.

With regards to your little one possibly coming in the room, could you put a lock on the door? We've always had a lock on our bedroom.

@chimchiminey that is wild 🤣🤣🤣

He's loving, generous and tactile. He's a good man. He just can't or doesn't perform in the way I think I need him to. I've tried so hard to compromise. Two or three times a month is fine for me. But the scheduling of it is really getting me down.

Has he tried Cialis OP? It is similar to Viagra but lasts 72 hours so in theory he could take it and then know he is "good to go" for the next few days. This may allow for a bit more spontaneity.

Just buy a vibrator?

Get a high inside lock on the door, then he doesn’t have to worry about your child coming in

.. but obviously that’s not the main issue.

The drinking sounds a real cause for concern, but basically I would tell him that your marriage is in danger if this doesn’t improve.

Ultimately though the chances are it’s just run its course.

Why can’t you make a plan to leave if he doesn’t make an effort?

@Mamofteenager what so you stay erect for 3 days?

how on earth can he leave the house

Oh my god a vibrator doesn’t exactly replace proper sex ??

it sounds a bit rubbish op

Has he had a checkup? ED can be down to cardiovascular problems for example. Is he under a lot of stress? That can lead to lack of libido and ED. Is he a heavy drinker or overweight?

If he's tired in the evening, what about the morning or the weekend? Can you get a wedge or a lock for the bedroom door to allow him to feel secure?

Have to spoken to him honestly about how you feel? Is there any other intimacy in the relationship? Can you both work on rebuilding that?

A vibrator is not a replacement for an actual sexual relationship

I can't leave because in every other way he is a great person. I can't break up our marriage and my child's family over my dissatisfaction over our sex life. She is only a toddler and deserves to have a stable family. We have a mortgage together and I'm pretty dependent on him financially. And most importantly I do love him, which is why I find all of this so frustrating. When we have sex it's good it just feels like such an effort to get it going.

I think he’s showing his age here. And others will come along and say no it’s not that and they know plenty of 50 plus men (and women) who want a lot of sex and whatever else - but - generally people do slow down when they get to 50 odd and don’t really want to be having sex at bedtime when they’re knackered and most just want to sleep. I know that doesn’t really help you though but I really do think the age thing is massive thing here; just in terms of energy levels. There’s an 8 year gap between me and dh (I’m older) and we laugh about it but we really notice it now.

@Quitelikeit no he doesn't stay hard continuously for 3 days only when he becomes aroused.

What age was he when you met?

This isnt to do with his age. What you're describing is normal for men with ED and who needs Viagra.

He's a bit young though. Is there an underlying reason?

She's saying that she won't leave though. And she's not going to have a healthy sexual relationship with this man. So what other option does she have?

What was your sex life like before children?
Im asking as this might manage your expectations. If it was amazing before then there is a good chance you will get it back once your child is older (able to sleep through the night etc) however if it was only average during your dating phase it's only going to get worse and so you need to mentally accept an unsatisfied sex life if your not willing leave.

You are mismatched sexually IMHO. But I think you have unrealistic expectations, you have a young child and a husband who is quite a bit older than you. He isn't going to have the stamina of a young lover.

Does he watch porn regularly op? Not as an attack comment. Xx