Fed up with dh and sex life

[sunshinesusan853]

Posted about this before and ultimately I know it's a situation that can't be fully rectified unless I LTB which I can't right now for many reasons so I guess I'm looking for ways to improve or at least accept the situation.

Dh is 50 I am 36. He uses Viagra for ED. We have a young child and we are both knackered. But been on holiday recently and sex was basically non existent mostly because he drank too much and fell asleep early.

His idea of a sex life is booking in sex once or twice a month and getting it done as soon as dc is in bed at around 6/7pm. He isnt a fan of bedtime sex because he's too tired by then and on edge because dc occasionally comes into our room at night.

I'm so sick of having my sex life limited to designated times and days. I've tried to understand and I get that he needs to prepare by taking a Viagra but fuck me it's so unsexy. On holiday recently I just wanted to do it at night and getting rebuffed because he was too pissed and tired is depressing as fuck.

He's a good husband and father. We have a nice life. But the sex is all on his terms and I'm sick of it. There have been times recently where I haven't felt like it immediately after putting dc to bed so I've said no but then it feels like another missed opportunity. Should it really be this difficult?

Why are you scheduling sex?

You say But he doesn't prioritise my feelings or needs, it's all about getting it done when's convenient for him, but also When we have sex it's good it just feels like such an effort to get it going.

Does he prioritise you during sex, or is the end point you’re both aiming for his orgasm? Would he have sex without the viagra? You could have sex without the aim being PIV, and him climaxing. Do you ever do that? Is he excited by the idea of satisfying you?

The drinking sounds like it might be a significant problem. But also, is he stressed out? Is his job stressful/shift work/long hours? If you’re financially dependent on him, is that taking a bit of a toll? Having a young child in the house is often a dampener on sex lives because parents often find it hard to relax, to make the time and to be healthy (especially if they’re on the older side). You may just need a bit of patience until your DC gets older (but don’t have another or it will take longer and you’ll both find it even harder).

Sorry but it sounds like you are so hyper focused on the intercourse part. You both need to stop seeing that as the end goal. Kissing, cuddling, spending time together is what matters. Sex may or may not happen as part of that intimate time, and that’s okay. Chill out about penetration.

It wouldn't be a solution that's very tasteful, but would he be up for you having a more open marriage? He's prioritising his boozing over your sex life, maybe he wouldn't be bothered if you went out with a FWB while he stayed in drinking?

It's a pretty big age gap, I know in previous generations and cultures it is/was normal, but it creates issues (like you're having) where people are just in different spaces and want different things.

I'm assuming at your current age he had a decent sex life? But he's asking you to give your sex life up, basically forever if you stay together or you are a young widow. It's a lot, especially as you are likely to become his carer for a number of your healthy years, just as you are released from the 'burden' of raiding your family, and possibly lose him when you hit retirement age and your health begins to decline.
You would think he would be more appreciative of you, but I guess he's starting to slip less into middle-age and more into old age?

But she won't leave him and she said that he's not willing. She said he is loving though.

If he's not willing and she won't leave then she doesn't have many other options.

Sex is quite a key part of marriage though - and more importantly, treating your partner like their needs matter is a really key part of marriage.

If he won’t do this, it doesn’t bode well for your long term emotional intimacy, and you’ll end up with a dead marriage, which isn’t a good example to your daughter.

And that’s apart from the drinking which I’d be really worried about for everyone’s sake.

If it can’t be resolved and you really won’t consider separating, then another option is to talk to him about opening your marriage up - which is pretty last resort for most people.

No wonder he has ED if he drinks

Yes obviously but he doesn't want to have sex with her, and she said she's not going to leave!

It's a pretty big age gap, I know in previous generations and cultures it is/was normal, but it creates issues (like you're having) where people are just in different spaces and want different things.

I'm assuming at your current age he had a decent sex life? But he's asking you to give your sex life up, basically forever if you stay together or you are a young widow. It's a lot, especially as you are likely to become his carer for a number of your healthy years, just as you are released from the 'burden' of raiding your family, and possibly lose him when you hit retirement age and your health begins to decline

All so true. This is why I don’t date older men. The oldest man I’ve been with was 4 years older than me.

PP - the OP knows vibrators exist. She doesn’t need MN to tell her that.

She’s not ‘never going to leave’ either, no one is. She just isn’t at that point yet.

Right now, here to explore her options on how to talk to him about this, and to find out how difficult other people would find it to be in her position.

So? My partner is 69 - 21 years older than me and we have an active sex life.

Talking to him is extremely unlikely to change anything. Very few dead bedrooms are fixed and the OPs doesn't sound like it will be the rare one that will. She doesn't say how long she has been with him but he's had ED for the whole time they've been together. And it's an otherwise loving relationship, but yet he still doesn't want to do it.

The OP actually asked for ways to improve or accept the situation. And some are saying to go down the accept route

I suspect many people here haven't been in OP's position.

Why is sex scheduled? Because viagra takes time to work and it should be mutually consensual.

It also gives him unequal levels of control because penetration only happens when he makes it so.
Along with a whole bag of emotions about not feeling desirable.

It's a horrible situation all around.

Is it the amount of sex you're having which is disappointing or the quality? I only ask because I usually have sex once or twice a week. There are many weeks it's just the once. Sometimes I even go two weeks! However, the sex is really great, so it leaves me feeling satisfied. No complaints here. It seems like the quality of the sex isn't satisfying you here, which is an issue. Also, your sex drives aren't matching up. I would sit down and have a proper conversation about it and see how things could improve going forward

Exactly this. It needs to be planned because he needs to take Viagra. He also has preferences about when it can occur so it's all very much down to him when it happens. No spontaneity and I have to be available at said times or it just doesn't happen.

I wonder if he's mentally switched off because it's stressful to him having to schedule it in time with taking Viagra. However this is kind of selfish because it's not taking your own needs into account. How is he when you discuss it? Does he shut down talk about it or change the subject?

If he doesn't want to do it in the morning that doesn't mean he couldn't be open to trying new things with you then without the penetration? Would take the pressure of him but releases some of your sexual frustrations whilst still being close and loving towards each other. Then he can still schedule on an evening but it might perhaps not feel such a chore because he's given you some satisfaction at other times?

Just a thought.

OP I think you need a reality check.

You married a man 14 years older than you.

It is hardly a surprise that he feels the strain more than you do of looking after young kids and trying to maintain the same sex life than when he was younger.

Actually I think a lot of this can be fixed.
He stops drinking. That really is not doing his ED any good.
He gets a health MOT. Lots of health issues make spontaneous sex difficult.
You both are knackered. That's just something that happens when you have small children, especially if you both work too.
When would you like to have sex, if not early evening? How can you achieve that?
And please get a bolt for your door. Thinking you are going to be disturbed if you are having sex is really off putting.
If you don't find that scheduling sex works for you then what would?
Why do you think parents sometimes have early nights?

Yes, it is. 😁
My husband is three decades older (74) and very healthy, not indifferent to sex life.
I stopped voluntarily at 40, loathed sex since teenage years and couldn't be happier now.
He's fine with that.

It doesn’t sound like he’s overly keen. Scheduled sex is always a bad idea. Consent cannot be granted in advance.

Have you actually spoken to him? If not this is your first port of call. This may be easily resolved, if you haven’t spoken to him you just won’t know

I've seen you post almost exactly the same post before. You know what you need to do and you can't/won't do it. What are you hoping to hear?

Men experience andropause in the same way women have menopause. Fatigue and erectile dysfunction being two symptoms from age fifty.