Fed up with dh and sex life

[sunshinesusan853]

Posted about this before and ultimately I know it's a situation that can't be fully rectified unless I LTB which I can't right now for many reasons so I guess I'm looking for ways to improve or at least accept the situation.

Dh is 50 I am 36. He uses Viagra for ED. We have a young child and we are both knackered. But been on holiday recently and sex was basically non existent mostly because he drank too much and fell asleep early.

His idea of a sex life is booking in sex once or twice a month and getting it done as soon as dc is in bed at around 6/7pm. He isnt a fan of bedtime sex because he's too tired by then and on edge because dc occasionally comes into our room at night.

I'm so sick of having my sex life limited to designated times and days. I've tried to understand and I get that he needs to prepare by taking a Viagra but fuck me it's so unsexy. On holiday recently I just wanted to do it at night and getting rebuffed because he was too pissed and tired is depressing as fuck.

He's a good husband and father. We have a nice life. But the sex is all on his terms and I'm sick of it. There have been times recently where I haven't felt like it immediately after putting dc to bed so I've said no but then it feels like another missed opportunity. Should it really be this difficult?

If his drinking ia interfering with your sex life together then he is drinking to excess.

I think another poster gave a good suggestion, why not take penetrative sex off the table for the times around the 'scheduled' times, like say to him 'let's try and be spontaneous with intimacy at other times, with penetrative not being the end goal' so you both relax without worrying if he's going to get an erection?

If he drinks heavily it will be affecting his erections.

OP you need counselling. If he loves you and wants to keep his marriage and family, he will agree to it. Sex is a very important part of a relationship, otherwise you're just flatmates, friends. It is totally ok to break your marriage if you are unhappy sexually. Your happiness matters too. 50 is far, far too young to be needing viagra. He needs to find out what is physically wrong with him, go to the GP and get tests. He needs to put in the effort, or else go your separate ways. Because without the sex it's just not a marriage is it. It's just a friendship. Or flatmates. And his drinking needs addressing, clearly it's affecting his ability. He cannot drink heavily if he has ED.

He can pleasure you in other ways without penetration. He just being lazy and selfish

Get him to try focused shockwave for ed

Sound advice

My partner is 54 and we have sex every night pretty much and some mornings / he needs to have a frank conversation about needs and get a lock for the door

Talk to him, calmly, about how you feel. He may be more reasonable than you think but you have to compromise. Go to bed a bit earlier but not too early and be tender with each other. Penetration isn't everything.

Your husband is not old, many men are sexually active far older than him.

If he is a good husband and father it doesn't sound like a reason to end the marriage but I am not you, only you can tell.

Communication is vital on this issue.

This is life after children; sorry. I'm 36 and am fine with twice a month.

How long have you been together? I'm guessing less than 5 years. Have you had a long term relationship before? It's VERY normal to have monthly sex after kids due to tiredness and life. I would say it's more abnormal to have weekly sex.

I think you need to adjust your expectations. If having regular sex is very important to you, I think you should have communicated this to your husband years ago or have sought out the single life.

When he urinates is it a powerful flow or a bit of a trickle @sunshinesusan853

How long have you been together OP?
What was sex like at the start of your relationship? Has he ever had a high libido?

Op have a listen to Therapy Works podcast - Agony Aunties on intimacy difficulties within relationships. You might find it helpful as they touch on how to address these sorts of issues and have these difficult conversations.

Also look at the episode notes where lots of other podcasts and resources are recommended.

You definitely have more opportunities for sex when coupled as opposed to single (assuming you are not interested in hook-ups with randoms!)

This is not an age thing and is entirely fixable with a sex therapist. If that is what he actually wants.

The poor guy. Of course his libido has I slowed down. He's nearly 50!! At that age, stress and tiredness and other pressures are much more likely to kill a man's libido stone dead.

It's true that alcohol doesn't help, but assuming that he doesn't have an alcohol problem I don't see that giving it up will change much.

Also the single fact of having ED can create a vicious cycle: you know you may get it > sex becomes a cause of stress > worse ED > more stress. I first got ED about three years ago. It's not generally a problem but the thought that it might be is a nasty, nagging voice in the back of my head and it can really put me off in the moment. It's lucky that DW has been absolutely supportive because a single unkind word from her would be disaster.

It's either that or taking viagra and scheduling sex, I'm afraid, OP.

Fwiw I'm very fit, have no health issues, hardly drink, don't smoke etc and it still happens.

There was a good thread in Relationships a while ago about what age sex stops. There were some people who carried on going into their seventies and beyond but with most people, sex stopped because of some life event (such as menopause, relationship ending, illness) or it just petered out. These things often happened around the age of 50. I believe the ones who continued were probably more able to talk, come to terms with change, and adapt (very probably away from penetrative sex.)

His age isn't really a factor...my husband is 52 and literally a dog on heat

"His age isn't really a factor...my husband is 52 and literally a dog on heat"

Well not literally, hopefully.

I get what you mean but everyone's different. Just because your DH is still up and at it 24/7 is great for you (or not as the case may be) but others are less blessed and feel their age more.

This sort of thing is generally why so many age gap relationships fail. It's all good at first: older man gets a young hottie and young hottie gets someone who's wealthy/financially better off and more settled.

But as time goes on, the cracks show and a woman in her 40s is generally in her prime and doesn't want to nursemaid a geriatric.

Them's the breaks I suppose.

I suppose it's karmic for the older first wife who was dumped for the young hottie in the first place.

Wow!
Are you guys in the honeymoon phase or has it always been like this? Impressive

I also think this is a very good suggestion.

It's not his age, my DH is 53 and has no problem down there, it's the opposite if anything 😅
Has his sex drive always been quite low?
Sex isn't everything but I understand for some people it can be a deal breaker.
Twice a month is really shit though and his lack of enthusiasm would be a massive turn off for me too.
Maybe it is time to move on?

I think op you might be being slightly unrealistic here... having a toddler at 50 is tough... I'm in my 30s and I'm exhausted! Stress and exhaustion also contribute to ED.

I think you need to have a calm gentle conversation about how you can meet in the middle here. Sex may not be able to be as spontaneous as you'd like since he needs to use viagra. However there are other things he could do spontaneously to meet that need for you in other ways. Maybe using toys etc. And maybe you plan the odd "dirty weekend" away from your toddler where there's more freedom, you're both more relaxed and you're not going to be interrupted? I'd also encourage that he schedules with a gp for a check up and cuts the alcohol right back.

My ex had ED in his 30s and it turned out he was using significant amounts of porn. I think it would be worth asking this question in a non judgemental way and suggesting that's cut back as well to allow you both to tune into each other more.

It also could just be that you have very different sex drives and life with a toddler will absolutely highlight that.

Well good for you, but hardly helpful to this thread 🙄 honestly what were you trying to achieve here?

50 is not that old! Come on people he’s barely out of his prime, and some of these replies make it sound like he’s ready for the knackers yard purely for living beyond his 40’s!

You say he has used viagra your entire relationship op, so this is obviously not a new thing. You should find a good time to have a proper conservation about how he honestly feels with regards to sex. If he has just never been that in to it that’s fair, but he should be honest with you. If there are medical reasons then you can support him to see a doctor. Getting him to talk truthfully is the only way this is going to change for you though.

Some of these comments, lol. Everything from my 50+ year old DH and I have sex every single day to he is an alcoholic/porn addict to leave him. Good old MN.

Everyone is different.

Maybe because of his age and having a toddler he is actually just exhausted. Does he work long hours too? Maybe he just has less of a sex drive than you. What was it like at the beginning? Can you pinpoint a time where it changed?

I think you both need to sit down and discuss things. There are small things you could do that may help as already mentioned - get a lock on your bedroom door so he feels more comfortable. Try a different medication (Cialis) so once he has taken one he has a good 3 days to know he'd be good to go and doesn't need to worry about planning it so to speak. Just be open and honest with eachother.