To be angry at boyfriend for pulling out of holiday?

[Triptofarce]

Boyfriend and I have planned trip if a lifetime to a far away destination.

We’d booked flights, but are very last minute and hasn’t yet got around to booking our accommodation and activities.

Boyfriend got I’ll a couple of weeks ago, and has slowly been getting better.

he insisted today that he would be well enough for us to go on this trip next week. So tonight we booked hotels and activities (spent over £2000).

he then seemed stressed and anxious. I asked why and he reluctantly stated that he actually isn’t sure whether he’ll feel well enough to do the trip, and might need to pull out of it.

theres no way I want to do it on my own, so it means I’ll have to miss out too.

if he had told me he was unsure about whether he’d be well, then we wouldn’t have booked everything else today and would only have lost out on the flight money. But now we’ll lose out on an extra £2000 (non cancellable).

AIBU to be absolutely bloody pissed off with him?

I'd be bloody fuming with him!!! Is he usually drippy like this? He either goes, or he pays you back. They're the only options I'd go with.

It isn't the pulling out that's the problem: depending on his condition, cancelling the holiday may well be the most sensible plan if he doesn't want to ruin his health. The problem is that he pushed you into shelling out a huge sum of money when he should have known he may be too ill to go. How daft is that?

He should definitely pay you back for his share. I can't believe you think it might be mean of you to ask him to reimburse you. Why should you be out of pocket? If you cannot find a friend to go along, go by yourself.

Of course he has to repay you.
He insisted you book and within hours is backing away.

Such selfish idiocy is completely unforgivable.
What's with the quietly seething?
You need to be honest, he has completely fxxked you over.

OP, you sound young, don't waste any further time with such a moron, but DEFINITELY get your money back first.

Hard to comment. I'd say not to overly rely on what people answer to "are u fit enough to travel to the holiday of a lifetime".
If my OH was in hospital overnight and pretty ill 2 weeks leading to holidays i would move the flights out irrespective of what he tells. That usually costs a small fee.
If I got to this point., I would have checked if I could get refund for the flights or move them out for few months (for a fee). And then will check with accommodation if they may entertain rescheduling, most would do (even non-refundable ones).

Yep

Is he actually paying for anything?

While it doesn't seem the wisest rupee of holiday for sober of you to have booked knowing he was not fully recovered, it's on him that he's pushed you to do so and I'd be a lot more than quietly seething. Are you certain no one else can come or are you just assuming it's too odd. Personally I'd be finding a way to still go - I bet he will suddenly recover if you do this rather than just lose all your money but oehaos it will be too late for him of you've made other arrangements! Fwiw though my auntie last year did a solo trip across Cambodia - she's in her 70's! No reason you can't go alone

Yes, it would be so, so harsh.

Just be a meek, quiet little mouse-like person, not saying what you really feel.

Cos that ALWAYS works, doesnt it. As shown by your thread.

If he isn’t going to go then he should pay the whole sum you’ve lost, not just “his share” Unless you’re going to go alone!

See what he says today 😊

I think he is having the holiday wobbles. I get this now as I developed silent reflux and anxiety last year that made me ill for a couple of holidays. I also have fatigue and need to rest in the afternoons. We have come away this weekend and on Weds and Thurs I was getting really worried that I wouldn't be able to cope. DH was getting mildly snippy about would I be well enough. It's been fine. Pacing himself will be key and it sounds like you've built that in. He is panicking so reassure him that you can have active mornings and lazier evenings.

What is the illness that he's not better 3 weeks later? Long Covid or something? Maybe he's using illness as an excuse for not wanting to go in the first place...
I would 100% go on this trip.

Don't be quietly furious, that's not how relationships work. You should express how you really feel surely?

An afternoon nap every day is normal when you're on holiday - ill or not! So it's really no reason for him to back out.

Why on earth would you fume silently and think it's harsh that he pay you back. That would be foolish of you. Tell him that you want the money back. He might decide to go but guaranteed to spoil the trip.

And if OP doesn’t live with her boyfriend they will almost certainly have different policies and hers definitely won’t cover his feeling unwell.

OP, it was shit of him to push to book when he was unsure. It was perhaps also a bit ill-advised of you to go ahead and do so for a trip you were reliant on him for. I’d definitely go by myself, but understand why many people wouldn’t want to do an adventurous trip solo.

He needs to pay you back and give you an explanation as to why he booked it if wasn't up for it.
You need to stand up for yourself, you sound very low on confidence that you are questioning if it's okay to ask for your money back.
As for the trip, can you amend the flights/bookings to a different date?
If not you could try to sell the holiday?
I couldn't stay in a relationship with someone this selfish, it's not his fault he is unwell, but everything else is on him.

I would be furious. What a selfish, stupid idiot. You’ve saved for two years!
He needs to pull himself together and come with you. He sounds pathetic.

Have you spoken to him today about this yet OP?
If not and you are not together in person atm, it's a good opportunity to send a message. "Hi BF, have you decided what you want to do,about the holiday. We booked all that non cancellable stuff yesterday because you said you were ok to go, so I really need to know what's happening. I am happy to take everything at a slow pace like we discussed."

Why 'quietly'?

He's been a total bloody fool

Can he afford to lose all that?

Is he usually irresponsible?

This is total nonsense. Obviously we don't know the nature of the illness but if a full recovery expected without a relapse then going on the trip and taking it easy must surely be the default plan?

Why would he do that last night, did he put the trips on his credit card?

Honestly I would advise you to dig deep and go yourself rather than waste all that money. There are facebook groups for solo travellers looking for someone to travel with, someone might be able to come/be there at the same time. Maybe if you start making plans to do this he will suddenly feel well enough to come.

Of course it’s not harsh. I wish posters on here would be firm and have a backbone and a clear idea of what is acceptable and not acceptable behaviour.

What an absolute fucking selfish moron. I would be incandescent with rage at this level of stupidity.

There are NO extenuating circumstances here. He insisted on booking and you paying the rest of this then hours later says he’s not going to be fit? He absolutely must reimburse you. Then ditch him.

Can’t go because he needs an afternoon nap! He can still go and have a nap!

I would 100% be going with or without him. He can sit in the rooms if he wants while you enjoy the activities - there will be other people doing the activities too you wouldn’t be on your own completely?

Surely you can’t be serious in sitting silently sulking having lost thousands?! It doesn’t sound healthy to just have it be a silent sulking elephant in your relationship.

@Triptofarce any update on the situation please?

When exactly is this holiday?

I agree with pp who suggested pushing the flights back (which will be cheaper than cancelling completely) and also seeing if you can change the dates if accommodation and excursions.

I'd be bloody furious that he's changing his mind so quickly after booking accommodation etc.
There's always time to rest on a well planned holiday even if it means missing some planned excursions.

I think he’s going to have to go. He’s in the recovery part of the illness rather than acute so just needs to take it easy. He can rest on the plane. He can go to bed early. He can take a nap. Hopefully you can find others to hang out with whilst he’s resting.

Maybe he’ll start to feel better after a few days.