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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To refuse to see a health visitor?

137 replies

silveratone · 16/08/2024 13:46

I'm expecting my 3rd and really don't want the health vision snooping around.
Am I able to refuse this? Has anyone refused?
I'm happy to go to weigh in clinics and see them I just don't want them in my home.

OP posts:
LovedFedAndNoonesDead · 17/08/2024 07:39

Esssa · 16/08/2024 13:52

I've never found them helpful and haven't seen them since my kids were 2 years old and 6 weeks old. It's supposed to be an opt in service yet the way they go about it means it's more opt out. Definitely not necessary though if you don't want to.

HV service is not opt in it’s automatically offered to all families. What they don’t tell parents/propsective parents, is that it’s not a mandatory service but voluntary and some HVs will even use threats of reporting the parents who decline their services to maintain contact with a family who have expressed their wish to stop having their input.

Round3HereWeGo · 17/08/2024 07:50

Its such a shame so many have had bad experiences. I really like mine and feel she is here to support us. She sends texts to check in with how we are doing, was helpful when I had mastitis and is generally very encouraging. She also has loads of tips for how to make things easier. We are lucky with our provision locally

If you don't want to see them though then that's your call!

JLT24 · 17/08/2024 07:52

LovedFedAndNoonesDead · 17/08/2024 07:39

HV service is not opt in it’s automatically offered to all families. What they don’t tell parents/propsective parents, is that it’s not a mandatory service but voluntary and some HVs will even use threats of reporting the parents who decline their services to maintain contact with a family who have expressed their wish to stop having their input.

Edited

It’s not a threat, this is literally the process they have to follow if you opt out

JLT24 · 17/08/2024 07:56

It’s a shame if you’ve previously had a bad experience. But it’s a lottery who you get, I have experienced some awful midwives, GP’s, nurses etc but I wouldn’t refuse to see another one again and tar them all with the same brush. Personally I’d meet them, ask what they can support with and see how you get along. You may not need feel you need a HV and that is entirely your choice. Should circumstances change in the future and you do need additional support there are some very good ones out there.

Simonlebonbon · 17/08/2024 08:02

I've got 4 dc so had 4 different HV.

First one - useless. Absolutely pointless. Lovely person, but gave me dangerous advice and that was that.
Second one I can't remember. She clearly left an impression.
Third one arrived 2 hours early and said my house was cluttered because I was assembling some baby furniture, so there was things on the floor like the box and instructions as I put it together. Bizarrely I had sent dp a picture of what I was doing and then took another once I'd finished building it. So I had pictures my home was not cluttered it was just she was stupidly early and caught me mid task. She was actually very rude about my house even though besides the work space I'd made on the floor, everything else was fine.
I sent the pictures in an email to my local clinic and explained how uncomfortable she made me feel about my "cluttered" home and they called me back to apologise and told me she was agency HV and they'd had similar complaints from distressed new mums. I then opted out of more visits.
The latest one was lovely, my dd had been very unwell and we'd been in hospital for wee bit and she was just lovely to us.

Definitely not all health visitors are created equally.

coolingdownphase · 17/08/2024 08:29

I had an appointment for my health visitor to come out and I called and explained to her after I got the appointment letter that I would only have half an hour at that time before I had to leave and take dh to work.

I was happy to reschedule but she said no that was fine and she wouldn't need that long but turned up half an hour late as we were walking out the door.
I explained we couldn't hang around now or dh would be late and she apologised explaining that there was two roads with similar names and she had been to the other road by mistake and no one was home (think something road west/ something road south on the other end of town.

She then went back and reported that she had been to our house and got no reply and that when she had rung us we had refused to let her in obviously in a bid to save face and not report that she has got lost and gone somewhere else.

We had to then explain ourselves to Hv admin who called for an explanation and it was obvious she didn't believe us for one moment. We rescheduled and a different Hv came.
I'm also aware that these are professionals taken at face value in important social services cases so it's quite worrisome that they are able to just bend and twist the truth to suit the situation and make the other side the bad people to cover their backside.

FluffyDiplodocus · 17/08/2024 08:31

I didn’t find the initial visit when pregnant / when mine were newborn particularly useful. However, my DS had developmental delays (later diagnosed as ASD) and I rang them for help twice - once when I had concerns about him and felt like no one was listening to me, and once when we needed referrering on the ASD pathway. Both times the HV were just excellent, the first completely fought my corner and got him referred for checks even though he wasn’t at the required age, the second did the ASD referral promptly and was super supportive.

I think that if you’re an engaged, fairly well educated parent with a straight forward newborn, it does all feel a bit like jumping through a hoop. But when I actually needed their support my experience was so so positive.

LovedFedAndNoonesDead · 17/08/2024 08:34

JLT24 · 17/08/2024 07:52

It’s not a threat, this is literally the process they have to follow if you opt out

But it is a threat - who are they going to report parents who don’t want their input to? If a parent tells a HV that they no longer want or need their services then all that should happen is a note be made on their records that family have declined support. Obviously it’s a different scenario if SS are involved or there are existing concerns about a family - I’m talking about your average family.

I found the team down here were useless; they hassled me almost daily by phone before we were even discharged from hospital about coming to the house to do hearing tests when we had no planned discharge date and wouldn’t accept that we didn’t know when we’d be discharged; did not seem to know that premature babies should have their development checks done based on their due date not their actual birth date, so told me there were issues because they didn’t reach their 6 week targets when they should have been 5 days old; that I was told I should not be taking my twins out of the house (despite the neonatal outreach team saying it was absolutely fine so long as I want going to see people who were obviously unwell) and should stay home just in case the HV wanted to come and visit - but they would never give a time when they would come beyond xx day sometime between 9-4 - so they expected us to stay in all day for them to come or worse, another HV would call me either the day before a booked appointment or on the day of an appointment, to change it because the person phoning wanted to come instead of our named HV.

When they did come to the house they would turn up with students without asking if we were happy for them to come; wanted to put their scales on a mat in the porch right by the front door to weigh the babies rather than go through to the kitchen and put the scales on the table or the floor away from unnecessary draughts! They tried telling me that the twins HAD to have a 3-4 month developmental check despite there being no check at that age on the schedule or in the red book.

That was the last straw and I told them to stop bothering us and that we were refusing to engage with their voluntary service any further!! The person we told tried saying she was going to report us for refusing medical care but, when challenged, couldn’t tell me who they were going to report me to or what medical care I was actually refusing - oh, and where we live, the HVs work for the council not health services and can’t arrange medical referrals they just tell you to call the GP surgery if you have any concerns!!

Thankfully for us, they did leave us alone after that and then Covid came along a few months later and HVs stopped all face to face contact; they sent out forms for 2-3 year checks but we put them in the recycling and heard nothing more; since moving to another area 2 1/2 years ago, we’ve not had any contact from the team in this area!

JaneDoeHere · 17/08/2024 08:42

HV are trained nurses. If you’re worried about “snooping” it’s clear you have something to hide. Just let them do their job.

sandalsorwellies · 17/08/2024 09:43

coolingdownphase · 17/08/2024 08:29

I had an appointment for my health visitor to come out and I called and explained to her after I got the appointment letter that I would only have half an hour at that time before I had to leave and take dh to work.

I was happy to reschedule but she said no that was fine and she wouldn't need that long but turned up half an hour late as we were walking out the door.
I explained we couldn't hang around now or dh would be late and she apologised explaining that there was two roads with similar names and she had been to the other road by mistake and no one was home (think something road west/ something road south on the other end of town.

She then went back and reported that she had been to our house and got no reply and that when she had rung us we had refused to let her in obviously in a bid to save face and not report that she has got lost and gone somewhere else.

We had to then explain ourselves to Hv admin who called for an explanation and it was obvious she didn't believe us for one moment. We rescheduled and a different Hv came.
I'm also aware that these are professionals taken at face value in important social services cases so it's quite worrisome that they are able to just bend and twist the truth to suit the situation and make the other side the bad people to cover their backside.

Similar happened to me Hv was an hour late and came while I was on the 5 min school run, she called and I said I'd be home soon but she had other appointments and recorded that she hadn't been able to reach us due to our road being closed!
Absolute rubbish, our road was open and in use, I was using it. She was just running extremely late and covered her back.

HelenWheels · 17/08/2024 09:46

i think you will be judged for refusing. rightly or wrongly, it will say say on your notes
just go with the flow
you are unlikely to have many visits

RampantIvy · 17/08/2024 09:48

SquashPenguin · 16/08/2024 15:10

Am I the only person who actually likes their HV?! She's been lovely the entire time. Never looked around the house and loved our dog. She's been very helpful as well with regards to getting me GP appointments when I couldn't get through to the surgery myself.

No. Mine was brilliant and extremely supportive. DD had a serious health issue that our health visitor had experience in and I can honestly say that I would have found life much more difficult without her support.

clarkkentsglasses · 17/08/2024 09:48

Useless bastards. One told me to not "spoil" my 10 day old baby. Don't cuddle him too much.

Jesus I wish I could go back in time.

HelenWheels · 17/08/2024 09:49

first one vague help about breast feeding
second one very helpful information about working tax credits
dont remember third edit
i did talk to her about my 5 year old's cradle cap which eased my worry

velvetcoat · 17/08/2024 09:54

RosesAndHellebores · 16/08/2024 15:11

I said no thank you politely twice and even to the head of HVs. They got another HV to phone me up despite my wishes. Only when I complained formally were my rights explained and acknowledged. My complaint in relation to rudeness and capability was upheld.

Same here. First time I thought fine, maybe it's helpful. Then they visited again and said they'd come in the morning so I waited. They never showed up. Then they randomly came late afternoon when I was asleep. I declined the visit saying I was tired and they got super arsey so I let them in. They were useless, all they did was make stupid comments about how pale my skin was- kept going on about it (I'm naturally pale) and I was on iron tablets anyway PP so its not as if they were worried about me being anaemic it was more a "wow - your skin colour is so pale isnt it?" - yes thanks, I had no idea! Then she kept going on about how she wanted to have 5 kids herself but was in a new relationship so wasnt sure if it would happen and basically rambled on about herself for the rest of the visit.

When I had my next baby I declined as their visit was literally pointless and they again got arsey about it but I gave them short shrift and complained. I wouldnt mind if they were actually helpful but they weren't.

RickyGervaislovesdogs · 17/08/2024 09:54

I didn’t get a health visitor or a midwife visit after the birth, no idea this was a thing. I had to stay as week in hospital so maybe that’s why..

I had one from the midwife before birth and that was it, basically assessed the dog who was whining in the kitchen and she wondered why he was shut up (he’s not normally but he’s OTT with visitors as she found out, after being licked to death). Turns out she had two of her own so realised why as soon as she saw him bounding over. 😆 We talked briefly about breast feeding and I can’t recall much else. It wasn’t that useful to be honest, but I suppose there was support if I needed it.

GodspeedJune · 17/08/2024 10:02

I refused their services with my first. It’s completely optional. Bought my own baby scales. Any queries I spoke to the GP. Won’t be using them second time around either.

Movingonup313 · 17/08/2024 10:09

Its essentially a free service that can lead to signposting or support for any issues. There are many many good and experienced hv out there. Like all occupations, sadly, some are not so good or experienced. Id let the HV in, have a chat and if advice is contrary to what you think is the right thing to do - say thank you but make a note not to follow it. Some new parents have extreme difficulty and maybe dont realise it - its a good way for an outsider to see that and get help. Whilst I didnt personally have particularly helpful HV (advice was incredibly dated) I wouldnt refuse a visit. I wouldnt think 'refusing to co-operate/engage with services' is a positive record.

Haroldwilson · 17/08/2024 10:10

Mine were lovely. But it feels like they're from a bygone age when you couldn't get information so easily.

I suppose every now and then they visit and find someone dealing with domestic abuse, postnatal psychosis, homelessness etc and that makes it worthwhile.

Personally I'd let them round, make nice, cup of tea and it's done.

Haroldwilson · 17/08/2024 10:12

I suppose if they stopped HVs we'd be on here complaining about how support for new mothers has reduced...

Strictlymad · 17/08/2024 13:17

Needmorelego · 16/08/2024 19:57

@RosesAndHellebores I think that @Strictlymad meant GP as in "GrandParent" not Doctor.

Nope it’s was a doctor who put raw egg in a newborns bottle… the mind boggles

Whatineed · 17/08/2024 13:27

FriendofDorothy · 16/08/2024 15:11

Snooping is a bit of a strong word to use.

I lived in a very small cottage when I had my DS, with a downstairs bathroom next to the kitchen. It was very easy to hear her open both the mirrored wall cabinet and the under sink cabinet in the bathroom while making a cup of tea. 🤣🤣🤣

There was plenty of toilet paper on the dispenser, hand soap on the sink, and a towel hanging next to it.

Needmorelego · 17/08/2024 13:40

@Strictlymad gosh really 😱
That is a bit bizarre.

cocobeaner · 17/08/2024 14:11

I have three children. My second child saw the HV once and my third child never saw one. They were absolutely useless with my first child and we never even saw the same one twice, it was a different HV every time, they mostly got his DOB wrong and quite basic things like that. Then when I called them for support once, absolutely crying my eyes out with PND, they said they would call me back and never did. I didn't bother with them again.

They have occasionally sent letters over the years (my youngest just started school and the latest was about a pre-school check up) but I just put them in the bin.

DinnaeFashYersel · 17/08/2024 14:12

I've had 2 kids and I never had an HV 'snoop round my home'.

They just sat on the sofa and had a chat.