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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Alone with 3 week old newborn

119 replies

SoHotandPregnant87 · 15/08/2024 19:41

AIBU to think I'll be fine completely alone with 3 week old newborn for 5 days?

DH would normally be on paternity but a big work opportunity has come up which would benefit it us long term. I'm having a planned c section and he would have to fly (long haul) when baby would be 18 days. My parents are coming over to help when baby is 23 days. DH would come back a few days later.

We live abroad and I have zero support without DH. Would it be a nightmare? My parents could change their flights to come sooner but it would cost a lot of money.

First baby so not sure what to expect.

Vote YABU if you think my parents should change their flights and come sooner!

OP posts:
Jrl0he · 15/08/2024 20:28

Izzymoon · 15/08/2024 20:03

I was still in pain at 3 weeks with both sections and on pain relief until more like 6 weeks.
You’re up and about from the very beginning but that doesn’t mean you aren’t in pain, you do things because you have no other choice.

At 2.5 weeks I still had pain going from sitting to standing, lying to getting out of bed, twisting in bed to reach the cot etc and at the end of the day after too long of a walk with the pram or carrier.

Oh you poor thing, sounds rough. Do you mind me asking if you had an elective or an emergency C-section?

Mumto32022 · 15/08/2024 20:28

i think you’ll be fine.
there are obviously single parents that do it all alone with multiple children and survive.
you should be feeling much better after your c section. First week is the worst then you start feeling a lot better week 1-2 and more mobile etc. you’ll probably be eager to start getting out of the house by week 3 (definitely!)

Jrl0he · 15/08/2024 20:30

Sorry OP, should have added that with regards to the C-section, I was up and about straight away. Kept up with the pain meds for a week and that was it. No problems. I could've managed alone for a few days, it's just the constant cluster feeding that really wore me down!

SarahB88 · 15/08/2024 20:32

It’s great that your parents are coming earlier to help you but at 3 weeks postpartum you should be totally fine if your recovery is going properly. Just keep on top of your pain relief and don’t lift anything heavier than your baby. But that point I was picking baby up with no help and going out for a walk with the pram every day but I had a textbook recovery.

DrinkElephants · 15/08/2024 20:32

It’ll be hard and maybe a bit lonely but it’s doable.

Only reservation is recovery from c section. I felt more normal at 3 weeks (was when husband went back to work) but it depends on your recovery I think.

Babyandmexox · 15/08/2024 20:33

You'll be ok by week 3 after a section you will start to feel a little better and more human (still light duties) and keep topped up with pain relief, just ensure you have easy go-to meals, make sure there's shopping in so you don't have to go anywhere and order in if you have to. A changing unit with a built in bath was a god send for me after my section it helped to avoid bending down. Enjoy the time with you new baby ❤️

2sisters · 15/08/2024 20:33

Absolutely not. You don't know how you'll feel. I've had 2 C-sections and I absolutely wouldn't have coped without my mum's food parcels and DH coming home from work. I managed during the day but I couldn't have gone to the shops or walked anywhere. Truth be told I wouldn't have been able to get down the stairs and out of my flat.

AgileGreenSeal · 15/08/2024 20:35

SoHotandPregnant87 · 15/08/2024 20:05

Oh shit. I've just realized it would be in the most active month of the hurricane season. We've already had one and it was really really hard work. Fuck that.

Logging on to British Airways to rebook my parents' flight now.

Thanks everyone!!

I’m relieved for your sake that you’re getting your parents to come early. As I said before I’ve had 4 c-sections and they were all different in terms of recovery. You just don’t know how it’s going to be, but it is major abdominal surgery in itself, plus you will be recovering from giving birth with a newborn who will also have needs.
Much better to have the help with you.
best wishes

olivecapes · 15/08/2024 20:36

You'll be fine, my DH worked away M-F for a few months when DS was 3 weeks old, I had a 3 year old too, no support. It was exhausting but manageable, you'll manage because you have to.

PeachBlossom1234 · 15/08/2024 20:37

I’m a single mum, came home from hospital after a c-section and was totally fine. I couldn’t drive so had a supermarket shop delivered and we stayed at home and cuddled for most of the first month! You’ll be fine

Izzymoon · 15/08/2024 20:37

Jrl0he · 15/08/2024 20:28

Oh you poor thing, sounds rough. Do you mind me asking if you had an elective or an emergency C-section?

One serious emergency and the other sort of semi elective/semi emergency as it was an elective but I went into a very fast labour so it was bumped up.

olivecapes · 15/08/2024 20:37

So sorry missed the very critical c section point! I didn't have one of those, glad you're sorted now though.

TTCandTTstaysane · 15/08/2024 20:37

Some would be totally fine. I wouldn’t have been.

My baby cluster fed all night it seemed for ages and I liked my husband to stay awake with me now and again as I was so drowsy I was scared of falling asleep. I also experienced some intrusive thoughts so would have really missed adult company I think! I think one or two nights would be fine probably but five could feel really long OP. I hope you’ll feel fine though and congratulations!

2sisters · 15/08/2024 20:37

Be careful not to overdo do it. I decided to vacuum a few weeks after my C-section. Terrible idea. I split my stitches.

imadreamerr · 15/08/2024 20:39

You'll be totally fine, DH had to go back to work 2 weeks after my section and I was on my own for a week with the school run to do before my mum was off with us for a week. Make sure the fridge is stocked with easy meals and rest whenever you can that week. Is there someone who can pop in and check on you both just to watch baby while you shower etc a couple of evenings?

K37529 · 15/08/2024 20:40

You’ll be fine. You might still be in pain, but you’ll be able to look after baby.

Dartwarbler · 15/08/2024 20:40

. Get a sling as you’ll not be able to lift a pram and you’ll want to at least go outside for some fresh air .

if you are planning to breast feed it may be a very horrendous time in terms of feeling a failure - it can get very overwhelming and baby blues kick in. Tears and feeling overwhelmed are not uncommon.

you’ll not be able to share nights. That’ll mean you’re in a massive sleep deprivation mode. So, plan for that. Some of it is mental prep in saying to yourself whilst bone exhausted, you will survive. But it ain’t good and frankly I’d not volunteer to do it without partner on hand to do fair share of nights to get proper sleep.

so, make sure you and parents have you on quick dial video WhatsApp - when you’re sitting there sobbing, (you’ll look back and laugh but it’s not nice at time) for goodness sake speak to them. Don’t try to “manage”. Trying to do this alone and be strong is sure fire way to post natal depression. It isn’t natural for women to manage on their own, we evolved as social species where other neighbours were in and out of new parents homes. Ask them to ring you every hour quickly during day unless you plan to sleep. You need to know people are there for you. Get husband to call WHENEVER he escapes from being with people. Do not accept him saying you can call him if needed. He MUST call you as much as possible , normally you’d not expect that but you are at a very vulnerable time and it isn’t good enough for you to ring him in desperation.

And have plan B in place. Husband needs to forewarn company that if there are issue ps at birth he will need to back out. He has responsisiblty to you and babe. It’s a risk I’d say for him to try it. But probability will be that it is fine.

plan c might be emergency parenteral flight changes. But that’s going to be difficult.

alternatively, have you got money? Could you pay for a “nanny” to come in for a few hours a day. Company. Build your confidence. Give you sleep time. With my second via c section, we got a nanny student from local college in on part time placement - bloody brilliant. Lovely experience. She was a flipping fairy godmother for me (I got PND first baby, and sailed through 2nd)

ask midwife about befriending and baby groups near you. Or arrange to meet with mums who are in your prenatal classes? just a live face you can have a cuppa with, or a immediate emergency emotional support for each other. Make sure midwives and health visitors (if you have them) know what’s going to happen and you’ve asked them for any suggestions too.

you WILL manage. But it could be miserable and set you back a bit. That takes a time to get over. All I can say is that I hope this opportunity is VERY worth it and he knows he’ll come back to an emotionally messier you that needs huge TLC.

TTCandTTstaysane · 15/08/2024 20:41

imadreamerr · 15/08/2024 20:39

You'll be totally fine, DH had to go back to work 2 weeks after my section and I was on my own for a week with the school run to do before my mum was off with us for a week. Make sure the fridge is stocked with easy meals and rest whenever you can that week. Is there someone who can pop in and check on you both just to watch baby while you shower etc a couple of evenings?

My SIL was also totally fine with her second. I think that second time round, although it’s more hectic with two, it doesn’t feel as stressful caring for a newborn as it’s not your first rodeo. I’m convinced the most exhausting part for me was the learning of everything without any prior knowledge. 😂

DifficultBloodyWoman · 15/08/2024 20:41

SoHotandPregnant87 · 15/08/2024 19:53

@Izzymoon @TooManyTabs

oh no, were you in pain even at 3 weeks after the C section? I thought weeks 1-2 are bad but by week 3 I thought I'd be picking him up and walking around the house comfortably?

Everyone is different - I had a very easy recovery from my c-section and didn’t experience any pain. I took the painkillers I was given in the hospital and followed instructions to keep them up for a few days regardless of whether or not I felt pain and then to cut down.

Its all a bit blurry now but I certainly didn’t need anything after the first week, and probably a lot sooner than that,

MouseMama · 15/08/2024 20:42

It very much depends on the baby and your c section recovery. You probably won’t want to be carrying laundry baskets around or emptying the machine at that point so if your baby is sickly or prone to poosplosions you might be drowning in laundry after 5 days. If feeding baby is hard it’s very preferable to have someone bring you tea and food rather than fending for yourself. The days are very long with a newborn and it is nice to be able to hand over to someone else in the evening to try to make baby go to sleep while you get a bit of a rest.

Alternatively you could be absolutely fine if the wind is in your favour!

ChuckMater · 15/08/2024 20:43

You'll do fine. You've got this OP. It might feel overwhelming at the time but take it hour by hour if you need to. Make sure you've got lots of easy foods and snacks in the house and you're stocked up on everything. Keep your phone with you. Check in with dh / your parents every day. Sleep when baby sleeps, it will be hard but it'll also probably be quite blissful at times with all the baby snuggles and a good tv series.

Dartwarbler · 15/08/2024 20:44

imadreamerr · 15/08/2024 20:39

You'll be totally fine, DH had to go back to work 2 weeks after my section and I was on my own for a week with the school run to do before my mum was off with us for a week. Make sure the fridge is stocked with easy meals and rest whenever you can that week. Is there someone who can pop in and check on you both just to watch baby while you shower etc a couple of evenings?

Were you on your own 24/7 for days? It’s very different

it used to be standard, for dads to go back to work immediately after birth . Paternity leave didn’t exist generally till recently. But this simply isn’t the same.

she knows once on plane, she is on her own entirely, he can’t pop home if there is an emergency, or leave work on time to be home to take over. She’ll be a single first time mum, with c-section still healing, at peak hormonal baby blue potential .

Dartwarbler · 15/08/2024 20:46

ChuckMater · 15/08/2024 20:43

You'll do fine. You've got this OP. It might feel overwhelming at the time but take it hour by hour if you need to. Make sure you've got lots of easy foods and snacks in the house and you're stocked up on everything. Keep your phone with you. Check in with dh / your parents every day. Sleep when baby sleeps, it will be hard but it'll also probably be quite blissful at times with all the baby snuggles and a good tv series.

Op, just read this.
maybe you could also if money

  1. get a cleaner in for couple of weeks
  2. get laundry done elsewhere (collection service) - poster is right thst you shouldn’t be lifting bags of laundry . Alternatively buy massive amounts of undies for you and very cheap baby clothes that you can wear once and dump.
thecatsthecats · 15/08/2024 20:52

You just don't know.

It does make me laugh though people talking about cleaning. My house was never cleaner than at 3 weeks. My son fed so much that I wasn't able to move to make any mess beyond reheating premade meals!

Twototwo15 · 15/08/2024 20:52

I was in that situation after a c section as DH had a serious medical episode that needed a major operation and a couple of weeks in hospital, so I was on my own with a 3 week old for several days before my mum arrived to help me. It was incredibly exhausting, I wouldn’t recommend it unless you have no choice.