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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Alone with 3 week old newborn

119 replies

SoHotandPregnant87 · 15/08/2024 19:41

AIBU to think I'll be fine completely alone with 3 week old newborn for 5 days?

DH would normally be on paternity but a big work opportunity has come up which would benefit it us long term. I'm having a planned c section and he would have to fly (long haul) when baby would be 18 days. My parents are coming over to help when baby is 23 days. DH would come back a few days later.

We live abroad and I have zero support without DH. Would it be a nightmare? My parents could change their flights to come sooner but it would cost a lot of money.

First baby so not sure what to expect.

Vote YABU if you think my parents should change their flights and come sooner!

OP posts:
Original poster
SoHotandPregnant87 · 15/08/2024 20:02

@Adviceneeeeded no family. Some friends but they're childfree and not quite close enough (we haven't lived here that long unfortunately). They'd deliver some food and stuff and drive me to the doctor but no one that would come stay with me for the night or do dishes or something substantial like that.

OP posts:
Izzymoon · 15/08/2024 20:03

SoHotandPregnant87 · 15/08/2024 19:53

@Izzymoon @TooManyTabs

oh no, were you in pain even at 3 weeks after the C section? I thought weeks 1-2 are bad but by week 3 I thought I'd be picking him up and walking around the house comfortably?

Show quote history

I was still in pain at 3 weeks with both sections and on pain relief until more like 6 weeks.
You’re up and about from the very beginning but that doesn’t mean you aren’t in pain, you do things because you have no other choice.

At 2.5 weeks I still had pain going from sitting to standing, lying to getting out of bed, twisting in bed to reach the cot etc and at the end of the day after too long of a walk with the pram or carrier.

TheChosenTwo · 15/08/2024 20:03

Well no one here has any idea how your birth or recovery will go!
However I’d totally relish this time on your own. I had a lovely time with dc1 when they were born, yeah she cried and I didn’t sleep much but I was still feeding her anyway so it wouldn’t be like I could have handed her over to anyone else for a night feed etc. I just slept when she did during the days and nights.

My dh was around but he didn’t have any paternity leave, it was nice to be able to leave her with him while I had a bath but she could have come in the bathroom while I did that.

I wouldn’t have wanted to have anyone over but that’s just me, I’m pretty independent and appreciate my own space and company and time.

You may really appreciate having others with you but my family in your situation would probably have made things more stressful 😂

strangerontheinternet · 15/08/2024 20:05

If it’s first baby you’ll be fine. My dh only had 2 weeks paternity leave then was back at work 9-5 then went offshore for a few weeks when ds was about 5/6 weeks old.
if you also have a toddler at home too that’s a different story. 😂

Original poster
SoHotandPregnant87 · 15/08/2024 20:05

Oh shit. I've just realized it would be in the most active month of the hurricane season. We've already had one and it was really really hard work. Fuck that.

Logging on to British Airways to rebook my parents' flight now.

Thanks everyone!!

OP posts:
lilyathena · 15/08/2024 20:05

Is it a precedent that you want to set tho? Dynamics within relationships can change suddenly and unexpectedly at that point and if you start off by him going away and leaving you to carry everything (which quite literally may be problematic after a C-section) it might encourage you being left to do so more than you'd want. (I say this, as a very competent person, but having experienced exactly that after DS1 with a very difficult now Ex-husband who morphed at that point and left me to do absolutely everything, so my perspective is probably skewed.)

lololulu · 15/08/2024 20:05

You will be fine because you have to be.

My husband was in Afghanistan for our first birth. He was home for 12 days when she was 3 days old but then went back for another 6 weeks.

14 years on though I still think about it.

Adviceneeeeded · 15/08/2024 20:05

@SoHotandPregnant87 you will likely be fine. Make sure you don't do any heavy lifting. Have the fridge and cupboards stocked.

Have a basket by the sofa with nappy changing things. Can you get a nappy changing table that is sofa seating height so you don't need to bend down. Or have a mat and use it on the sofa.

Get a moses basket on a stand or a rocker that is a bit higher up.

Ask a couple of friends to be on stand by. The fact they are child free is actually better than someone with kids.

Charger near by. Snacks near by.

Coffee or tea in a flask so you can just rest ad much as you can!

Mum5net · 15/08/2024 20:08

You are planning ahead! It would be so
much harder if this opportunity came on the hoof.I think you will manage as you can consider all eventualities and have it covered.
what threw me most was that I had to give up breastfeeding at about two weeks. Not saying it will happen to you, but get some ‘spare’ newborn readymade milk bottles in the fridge and research how you can order more if required.

Blankfaced · 15/08/2024 20:09

I don’t think you can know. I felt very vulnerable after birth for weeks and a bit emotionally incapable to be honest. When my husband went back to work after 2 weeks he would leave me out breakfast for instance otherwise I’d barely eat.

lololulu · 15/08/2024 20:09

@Blankfaced but he came home at night?

Original poster
SoHotandPregnant87 · 15/08/2024 20:09

@lilyathena I totally appreciate that but he's been so caring during the pregnancy, so proactive, and he's only going because it would genuinely lead to a great opportunity for us as a family. It's not just a shitty corporate meeting or anything like that.

OP posts:
QueenBee22 · 15/08/2024 20:10

I'd ask your parents if they can come earlier. I have had two sections, one last year. I was still in a lot of pain by week 3 and also still had blood loss and was passing clots. I wouldn't have coped on my own. Don't forget it is major surgery.

TheLovleyChebbyMcGee · 15/08/2024 20:11

I could not have done that with my first. He wouldn't sleep except on me or DH. Cosleeping didn't work, and safe sleep advice is to not sleep upright with them on your chest. I averaged 4.5 hours a night for months till we got DS1 to learn to co-sleep. And that was with DH taking a shift too. We now suspect CMPA as he was very reflux, but took 45 minutes to settle too. Wouldn't nap in the pram or car, only in the wrap while I walked, I used to rack up 7 miles a day trying to get him enough sleep!

Not all babies are tired little snuggley things, I wasn't aware of that till I had one!

Nosleepforthismum · 15/08/2024 20:13

2 sections here and I think you’ll be fine. You’d be very unlucky to still be in lots of pain 3 weeks post surgery and there would probably be an underlying issue with infection if so. It sounds so brutal to say but you will recover a lot faster the quicker you get up and moving but I largely felt okay after 2-3 weeks.

Original poster
SoHotandPregnant87 · 15/08/2024 20:14

I've decided to rebook my parents' flight to arrive the day DH leaves. Thank you for everyone who has posted. The fact that some of you think it will still be hard work AND it literally only just hit me that there is a realistic chance for at least a tropical storm in that time, has made up my mind!

OP posts:
lilyathena · 15/08/2024 20:15

SoHotandPregnant87 · 15/08/2024 20:09

@lilyathena I totally appreciate that but he's been so caring during the pregnancy, so proactive, and he's only going because it would genuinely lead to a great opportunity for us as a family. It's not just a shitty corporate meeting or anything like that.

All good! I'm glad. It can be a tipping point I guess, so worth being aware that suddenly the power dynamics can change! Wishing you well!

Edinvillian · 15/08/2024 20:15

You'll be fine. My DH went offshore for 3 weeks when DD was 10 days old. You just have to get on with it. I got myself into a routine and then he came home and ruined it 😂

MsNeis · 15/08/2024 20:17

Please, if you choose to go ahead, have a Plan B: someone you trust, who can come and be there if you change your mind...

Babyboomtastic · 15/08/2024 20:17

I don't see it would be any problem - it's only one immobile baby which you can make a nest around. You aren't running round street toddlers at the same time or anything, don't have to juggle work, you can just concentrate on your baby.

Everyone finds section recovery different but I was fine by 3 weeks. My biggest challenge is I'd been alone at 3 weeks would have been feeling bored/lonely and not having anyone to bounce ideas/worries with.

With my first I hosted an all day/evening party for 40 people round my house at 3 weeks. I baked a couple of cakes for it the day before with newborn in a sling (though everything else was shop bought).

In terms of wandering round the house carrying baby, that was fine after about 48 hours. I struggled getting up from lying down for a few days so slept propped up with pillows for about 4 days, but otherwise I was fine. We only have an upstairs loo, and I was going up and down normally to that (without pain) by day 3.

It really depends though. Some women have much more tricky section recoveries, and some women have a lot of post natal anxiety and depression which can make it feel overwhelming. I got lucky with all of that and genuinely found newborn the easiest stage of parenting so far. I even had the to straighten hair end do make up - which I've not had time to do since they started moving.

So personally I'd have been fine, but equally it may be nice to have the extra company.

StuckOnTheCeiling · 15/08/2024 20:19

Definitely a good plan in hurricane season! My mum still tells tales of my dad going on a business trip when I was tiny, there was a hurricane so she dragged all the blankets in to the bathroom as the only room without windows and lay in the bath with me until it was over.

On the pain - I was ok for a short day out (eg a slow wander round a garden centre) at two weeks. I wouldn’t say I was in lots of pain at 3 weeks but definitely not healed either.

Olika · 15/08/2024 20:19

I think it's a good choice to have your parents arrive earlier. With C section the recovery can be hard and you don't know until you are going through it.

Cliedi · 15/08/2024 20:21

Good call OP. Aside from it being hard work and exhausting you will want to actually enjoy the first few weeks of your baby’s life. It’s a really special time and no point in turning it into a sleepless hell for yourself if you don’t have to. For the first few weeks I went to sleep about 5pm. DH would keep the baby happy for as long as he could then wake me when she needed a feed. He would then take her away again until the next feed so I got a good rest. Then about midnight I would take over and get some snatches of sleep in between all the feeding and cuddling. It’s a 2 person job if you don’t want to be painfully exhausted.

OldTinHat · 15/08/2024 20:21

You'll be fine. I managed a newborn and an 18m old too (until I changed toddlers nappy, stood him up and let him wander off, then I changed newborns nappy, stood him up and he went thud!).

TomeTome · 15/08/2024 20:26

My dh went back to working away 5 days a week when my first was 2 weeks old (no C-section but 3rd degree tear). I was fine. What helps is, lots of snacks you can eat with one hand (savoury and sweet), phone and tv, fully stocked house eg nappies clean clothes and food.
Have a long shower before he goes.