Falling for a much older guy

[Cheesepuffs1909]

For context I am in my 20's and the man I am falling for and pretty certain he feels the same is in his 50's
We both have kids but realistically is there likely to be any issues with this age gap?

My mind is confused and I am reluctant to act upon my feelings right now

People tried to advise me on a
relationship issue many years ago and I ignored the advice. I wish now that I’d listened but I just thought they didn’t understand.

You should do what you want OP, but do it with your eyes wide open. Read these replies carefully and consider their worth,
including those who advocate in favour of the large age gap.

Without meaning to sound patronising, love is incredibly powerful, and at this stage of attraction you may be ‘blind’ to a degree that you’re unable to see the situation clearly. I certainly was and I see now why they describe people as being love ‘sick’.

In all fairness you sound a lot more
sensible than I was as you say you’re ‘reluctant to act right now’. This is reassuring!

Good luck with it all.

The OP is talking about a 30-year age gap and personally, I think it’s too extreme. When she’s 50 like me, this bloke will be 80-odd. That’s a huge age gap

It really is. I'm mid 40s and I cannot imagine being with someone almost 80. The thought makes me feel a little queasy.

People always wheel out some rare example of their great aunt's neighbours's husband who is 90 and still running marathons but that is astonishingly rare - 80 is still 80 no matter how "fit" you are and there are going to be health considerations at that age, thats if they are still alive.

Have a think about this man OP and what makes him feel entitled to the time and attention of a young woman such as yourself.

I've read a few of these age gap threads and whilst there are women who profess themselves to be very happy I often think it's a breathtakingly self centred act on the part of the man. He gets to live a life twice with a young woman and then has a carer for when he's old. Not to mention new children losing their father at a younger age than would normally be expected. The whole set up is designed to take and not give.

Do you fancy him because of the life style he can give you?

Loads. You can't assess a long term relationship with a much older person on where they are and what they're like when you meet them. At 50, if he is still presenting as sufficiently youthful energetic etc for a 20 something, I can guarantee it's either because he's giving his best to you for the limited time you see him, and/or he's hanging on by his finger tips to his last hoorah. In 5 maybe 10 years, this is likely to look very different indeed. The only way this could work for you (it's great for him!) is if you are prepared to follow separate lives and interests, basically leaving him behind as a security blanket while you live the life you're likely to want as a young woman; or if you are an unusual young woman who would prefer to live a much slower paced life to suit an older person.

Because of the extensive knowledge of how one of them is likely to go (not well for the woman), and minimal bad examples of how the other goes (well for the woman, not bad for the guy) in the rare cases it happens.

No, just no.

Have a quick fling, but nothing more!

My partner is just 11 years older, and I am noticing it.

I've read a few of these age gap threads and whilst there are women who profess themselves to be very happy I often think it's a breathtakingly self centred act on the part of the man. He gets to live a life twice with a young woman and then has a carer for when he's old

I think this too. I also think it's very hypocritical that the older men would never consider dating a woman 30 years older than them- total double standard. Eg would any 50 year old man ever consider dating a woman aged 80? and yet thats exactly what they expect the younger women to do isnt it, and apparently to be happy about it!!

Its very selfish. They get to enjoy their mid life stage doing whatever the heck they want and yet for the woman, their mid life stage will be taken up with caring for them or having to adjust their lifestyle to suit their partner who is significantly slowing down and now wants a quiet life whilst she still has lots of life yet to live.

No way!
My husband is 8 years older than me and that sometimes seems like a lot! 😂

If you run your inter-personal relationships according to statistical likelihoods, I despair...

Individual circumstances in a population of two examples have far more variables than can be accounted for by reference to statistics which control for almost none of them. That's why statistics are never useful when describing single events.

Personal bias and confirmation bias, on the other hand...apply to everything.

That's because on both this thread and that one people are responding with the interests of the woman in mind. Most people don't feel it's in a woman's interests to be with a man 30 years older. However they can see benefits to a woman being in a relationship with a man 20 years younger. I see no conflict in that. It's pretty consistent advice.

Well, thats a nicer thoery than what i have faced all my life that I am a gold digger. Women who partnered with older men were usually labelled gold diggers.

Nice to know that it's changed somewhat.

I've been with DH as I said for 20 plus years and there are still friends of his who refuse to talk to me (or invite me to their children's confirmations and weddings) because apparently I'm a gold digger. Never mind that I inherited money, own our house and am the breadwinner.

The benefits are largely skewed towards DH tbh.

@ManonDe Are your family and friends more accepting of your relationship?

Sorry @BruFord I lost track of the thread!

My parents always accepted it because they saw how right we were together. My friends the same. some of of his closest friends ditto, or came round eventually after however long. His family completely accepted it - I was welcomed as another daughter and adored my sadly late PILs. But DH has a few friends who are a bit old school and while the men sort of slapped him on the back in a 'go you' sort of way their wives very much not. Treated me with complete disrespect (including a famous occasion about 5 years into our marriage where DH was invited to a godchild's 21st and so was I ... I thought.... but actually they wanted me to help hand around canapes. That was very pointed and deliberate and we walked out of the party. ) When I got pregnant with our first DS one of the women said to me with a sneer; 'Making sure you got your feet under the table then'.

It's taken a long time for me to not care. We know the truth of our relationship so that helps. Being menopausal definitely also helps to not give a shit!

It's evident from the the relationships thread that not all attractions lead to lifelong partnerships.

Some is just short term dating , some are relationships of a few years before they run the course.

Surely, the op will learn from experience.

Disgusting way for you to be treated. Just goes to show how whatever men choose to do, there will be a way to belittle and put the woman in the wrong.
Man older relationships almost always bring far more benefit to the man than the woman, with the possible exception of finances, which wasn't even true for you, yet still the older man is seen by his peers as the prize!
Equally appalling is the back slapping from other men, reducing a woman to the level of possession and her youth to that of commodity the man has done well to procure. I sincerely hope the experience gave your H pause for thought as to the type of person he chose to associate with!

No. Nooo. Nope. Firstly he will begin to age quite rapidly from here on out, whereas you will have so much more youth and energy for so much longer.

That aside, I can never get passed the kind of man who thinks it’s acceptable to date a 20-something when they are ridiculously older. It says a lot about their character, let’s just put it that way.

If you go ahead with a LTR in 30 years time you will still be in your prime but you will likely be caring for an 80 something year old man with numerous health problems. Men are more selfish than women by nature anyway but as they age it gets far worse........(obviously this is just from my personal observations). I think you would be very unwise to continue such a relationship.

I married a man 11 years older than myself . Even that was a lot . He was very set in his ways anyway and quite old-fashioned which had its effects on parenting styles.

It was worse when our children were older and I wanted to study and try new hobbies. He became increasingly insecure and controlling ,didn't like me to have friends or go out without him.
I realised once I left how scared I was of his sulking, anger and of being spoken to as if I was a naughty child. He would have been happier with someone his own age or even older.
Once I caught myself thinking" you've had your life and you're taking mine " I had to leave.
Please don't rush in to this.

I've had people assuming that I'm a gold digger. When DH and I first got together, I was pretty much a pariah so far as the mutual friends of him and his ex were concerned. (NB He left when she spent the night with a younger colleague on a work-do. She conned folk into thinking that she'd developed feelings for the colleague after she'd been abandoned.)

DH refused to put them right: it was "none of their business". I agree, but I was the one who suffered.

One evening we were at a dinner attended by some of their mutual acquaintances and I was seated between two of the wives. (Our husbands were opposite us.)

DH went to the loo and I'd had a few glasses of wine... Can't remember how the topic arose, but someone said something to me about the relationship. I heard my voice saying "ACTUALLY, ex fell in love with Affair Partner."

The night that DH died, the police attended. (It's the usual drill for "an unexplained death" here, if there's not a doctor around to confirm that the deceased was "under the care of a doctor". It's happened to two other widows of my acquaintance.) DH was in his 80s, had been in hospital for a lengthy stay a couple of months previously, had numerous health conditions including heart trouble and had just died of a heart attack in front of me.

I'm in my 60s.

I had to make a statement. One of the policemen, casually: "So how did you two meet?"

"At work."

"What did you do?"

"We taught at the same school..."

At that point, the attitude improved slightly. (Snobbery? Being a school teacher didn't elevate me into the upper echelons of society, but we live in a working class area.)

Then: "Is the house owned or rented?"

Eh? "Owned..."

"Who owns it?" The penny finally dropped.

"I do. It was mine before we got married."

"Oh."

I swear he looked disappointed.