Falling for a much older guy

[Cheesepuffs1909]

For context I am in my 20's and the man I am falling for and pretty certain he feels the same is in his 50's
We both have kids but realistically is there likely to be any issues with this age gap?

My mind is confused and I am reluctant to act upon my feelings right now

It may be wonderful for five/ten/fifteen years, even twenty years but the risk is that you end up as a cared doe a man in his 70s/80s

Christ he isn’t that old!!! 50s. May still be working until 68!!

how the age gap here is too large

For a fling - whatever, crack on.

Long term - no way. I was married to a man 14 years older than me and the gap became too much. I’m in my late 40s now and the idea of a relationship with someone in his early 60s seems bonkers enough - with a 30 year age gap he’d be nearly 80. I’m fit and active - there are very very few men in their late 70s who would be.

Christ no OP! I’d be horrified if my DDs (also in their 20s) started dating a bloke in his 50s. We’re in our 50s!

Completely agree. He may be attractive now, but how about when he is in his seventies and you are in your forties?

My late husband was 20+yrs my senior. We were married 27 yrs. I went into the marriage with my eyes open, but you need to be realistic: anything can happen in life, but the chances are you'll either finish up as your partner's carer, or widowed young. Both happened to me.

I miss him every day.

ETA My husband was young for his age, kept himself fit...but you can't necessarily avoid inherited heart trouble and that eventually led to a stroke.

I've done a bigger age gap than that. We last 6 years, before it fizzled out. The age gap wasn't particularly the issue. But he was very set in his ways and very self centred. He also drank a lot. We are still good friends. But he's pushed everyone else away. And I'm the only person still around. He's now in a nursing home. And my chore of the week is to visit him.

Dh is 20 years older than me and we met when i was 30. We married when i was 34 and we had our first child when I was 38.

He is now 71 and I am 51. When i went into the relationship I felt very clear in my mind that I was signing myself up for a lifetime and I would be his carer. He is 3 years younger than my parents.

We have a wonderful relationship. No matter what happens from this point (and DH is getting frail) I have had 20 years of utter joy and I cannot imagine a better life than what we have had together.

But it's not been easy. And as I said DH is getting frail and within the next 5 years or so I expect I will be his carer. He is in better physical shape than me, but his mother had early onset dementia and I am seeing the signs. You have to be very very clear headed about the future. I have had the most wonderful husband and life, and my Dcs have a wonderful father. But at this point in our lives there are potentially downsides.

That said - there are no guarantees in life. You can marry someone who is 'right' in terms of a cookie cutter relationship and it goes wrong.

When I was in my early twenties I lived with a man who was 20 years older than me.

At the time, the age gap was actually the only thing in our relationship that wasn't a problem, which was kind of ironic given that the age gap was the thing everyone else assumed would cause an issue.

However, that doesn't mean it's never going to be an issue for you. I split up with my ex when I was still in my 20s. Things might have been very different if we'd stayed together. In fact, I think they definitely would. I'm now 48 and while I know people that age who frankly seem no older or less energetic and current in their attitudes than me, I also know people that age who are very, very different and act like they're elderly and frail. Also financially I would be the breadwinner if he'd retired.

Also, how old are this man's kids? My ex had a son who was 12 when we met - so only 10 years younger than I was. In fact, his son genuinely never seemed to register that I was nowhere near old enough to have a child of my own his age, and just sort of accepted me as a step-parent kind of figure, but I think if he'd been any older than that when we'd met, things would have been A LOT more awkward. I also think if he'd been a girl, he might have registered the age thing a lot more, as girls tend to be a bit more perceptive at that age I think. |

You need to project forward 15 / 20 years. will you both still have the same drive to do things - you want to go out / go on holiday , he is happy sitting at home, doesn’t want to travel. Health wise , sad though it is he may be unwell / have chronic conditions and you find yourself at 40 becoming his carer.

He will be retired and you will be still pushing your career - that’s a difficult one as the retiree can be resentful you aren’t there all the time , or have an important role at work and have an identity at work which he won’t have anymore.

Will your friendship groups be the same or will you have lots of girlfriends just waving kids off to uni and relishing the relative freedom from kids and be thinking up new hobbies / girly weekends to include you in while his friendship group is saying their goodbyes to xx wife / husband and then the dynamics of including widows / widowers

Sorry to be focussing on the negative but sadly these are the things you need to think long and hard about. Will all of this be ok once the flush of a new relationship starts to fade. I suspect deep down your respective outlooks on life will also be different. Easy to be carried away of a wave of sophistication etc. in the early days but the reality for most is it becomes a real stressor.

I'm in my early sixties. Single. Recently had some interest from a man in his early seventies... and I would NOT go there, because of the age gap! He was fit and healthy and attractive, but I could already see signs of him being keen to spend evenings sitting quietly indoors cataloguing things when I wanted to be out and doing.

And that was with an age gap of seven years. It really starts to show as they age, in my opinion.

Yes there will be issues.
My cousin was once where you are today. Now she is in her mid sixties and her husband is now in his nineties.

Think very long and hard about this.

His DC are probably a similar age to you, or even potentially older than you. That alone would make me feel ill, and I'd be backing away from getting involved in this situation pretty sharpish.

I'd be asking myself what issues I had that need resolving, if I was interested in having a relationship with a man old enough to be my father, possibly even older than my father.
I'd also be imagining the dynamic if I took him home to meet my parents or siblings and what my friends would think if he came on a night out. I'm sure lots of people in their 20s would think it was really weird of you to choose a man so much older, let alone what your family would think. I'd be horrified for my daughter if she'd chosen a man 30 years older.
He's likely to have children older than you and I doubt they would welcome their dad having such a young girlfriend either. I'd be disgusted with my father if he'd ever done such a thing. So think about it very seriously and if you're sensible, don't go there.

I’ll be honest, I opened this thread thinking ‘that age gap is a terrible idea’. But this comment made me think of my own beloved DP (who is a similar age to me, mid thirties) and realise that I’d have fallen in love with him whether he was 25 or 85, and that I’d rather have a year with him than a lifetime with anyone else.

Practically, @Cheesepuffs1909, that’s a massive age gap that could cause all sorts of issues. But any of us could get sick/drop dead/become disabled at any moment. Life is short and precious. Tread carefully, but if you feel he’s worth it, give it a go and see what happens.

Age is not just a number and believing it is is enormously stupid. I am early 50s so only really at the start of ageing and I’m pretty fit. Age is already presenting unwanted physical deterioration in my body and my senses and my mental sharpness that I cannot prevent.

Life is too short not to grab at the chances of happiness

In principle I agree, but this isnt the "only" chance OP has at happiness is it?

She's in her 20s. She has loads of time to meet someone- she even says she isnt even sure if she even wants to date him so it's not as if she's madly in love with him. I think its a bit silly to suggest if she turns down a 50 year old then she'll never find happiness again

Definitely depends on the couple. One of my friends started dating an older guy when she was 24 and he was 44. They are a perfect match, but so many people said it wouldn't last.

Well, I attended their 20 year wedding anniversary party and vow renewal last week. They've been together 23 years in total.

I'd love to see the faces of those who said they'd never last the distance.

I've also got another friend who aged 28, met an 18 year old man. We all gently ribbed her with the toyboy jokes, which she took in her stride. But it was never malicious. They were so well suited and her boyfriend was wise beyond his years. They've been together 18 years, married for 12 years and have two lovely kids.

Yes it's weird but elderly, dying in his sleep in 5 years 😂 I think that's a bit I fan an exaggeration!

2 words. Daddy issues.

Thanks for calling me stupid, much appreciated. And just because you in your early 50s are experiencing deterioration, doesn't mean everyone of the same age is.

He could just be after sex, and even if he isn't it's weird. I can't imagine many decent 50 somethings wanting to date or have anything in common with someone young enough to be their daughter. If you end up being lumbered with him long term you could end up being his carer in your 40s/50s. You can do a lot better than some middle aged perv.

My friend married a guy 27yrs her senior. Had 2 kids with him. 15 yrs later he's retired and moved out after admitting to having affairs. Good luck.

Just don't go there. I had a 13 year age gap with my daughter's father and he is such a cantankerous old git now. There is no way our relationship would have ever made it. We are worlds apart now. My stepmum and dad have a massive gap and she's now a youngish woman caring for a very elderly man with dementia. Just don't do it.

Honestly NO don't do it unless it's just a sex thing.