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Original poster

Am I being controlling?

83 replies

Orangejuice188 · 14/08/2024 23:51

Bf has a hobby cricket, trains 2 nights a week and plays all of Saturday and some Sundays all day too.

I told him earlier that I felt I wasn’t seeing him very much and that it made me sad. I asked if he had to play as many Sundays as he did. And, if when we are older and have kids etc, does he have to play Sundays?

He said the following:

  • i am coercing him into giving up his only hobby, something he loves (I didn’t say this)
  • He wants to make a choice about how much he plays, and not be told this, and will balance his time himself
  • He doesn’t play every Sunday (true) to spend time with me
  • He has “already made sacrifices” as in doesn’t stay late drinking every Saturday, and doesn’t play every game If i don’t see these sacrifices then something is wrong
  • A sarcastic comment about “I’ll just not work then”
  • he said I am his priority and that I get him all the time for the whole winter months
  • He then went to sleep because he’s frustrated and concerned and riled up
  • He said he would’ve had a nice conversation / discussion if I’d have said I didn’t feel I was seeing him enough, but because I made it about cricket, it became an attempt to control him and stop him playing
  • i see him two or three evenings after work (he gets home at 7pm)

Honestly am I being controlling or unfair?

OP posts:
Original poster
Orangejuice188 · 14/08/2024 23:54

Oh I also said if I went to the gym 4 times a week and he told me he felt I wasn’t seeing him enough, I’d say I was really sorry he felt that way and that I’d find a way around it.
He said “yeah but I wouldn’t ever say that to you though, I’d respect your hobby”.

So now I don’t even feel like I can tell him how I feel anymkre

OP posts:
thaisweetchill · 14/08/2024 23:59

He's telling you straight he's not changing his hobby, I'd take that and run.

Hoardasurass · 14/08/2024 23:59

Don't have kids with this man he's already told you that his hobbies are the most important thing to hi.

Merryoldgoat · 15/08/2024 00:00

It sounds to me like you can’t have a reasonable conversation without him turning the issue back on you.

I used to have a hobby that took me out of action two evenings and all day Sunday. If a partner expressed that they would like to see me more and was concerned about how it would fit with kids I’d be happy to have a conversation and wouldn’t jump to controlling unless they said they wanted me to stop.

twojumps · 15/08/2024 00:01

Do not have children with him.

He's told you clearly that he doesn't want a life compatible with family or even a girlfriend. Listen to what he's told you and believe it!

No children

ReadingSoManyThreads · 15/08/2024 00:05

Cricket in this case seems to be the equivalent of "golf". That's not good.

If this bothers you now, imagine how much worse it'll be if you marry him and have children. You'll be left more or less as a single parent during the best time of the year.

This man has made it clear that his hobby comes first. He is not emotionally mature enough for a committed relationship to a woman sadly.

You should think of moving on from this relationship, and finding someone who is interested in spending time in a relationship with his partner. Of course hobbies are important, but when they dominate your life, that isn't healthy for a relationship, or for being a parent.

As others have said already, DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN WITH THIS MAN.

Billydavey · 15/08/2024 00:19

Merryoldgoat · 15/08/2024 00:00

It sounds to me like you can’t have a reasonable conversation without him turning the issue back on you.

I used to have a hobby that took me out of action two evenings and all day Sunday. If a partner expressed that they would like to see me more and was concerned about how it would fit with kids I’d be happy to have a conversation and wouldn’t jump to controlling unless they said they wanted me to stop.

The problem can be that some hobbies have a minimum commitment level or they’re just not viable.

I do a hobby one evening a week and a couple of weekend evenings a month. If I can’t do that, I can’t really do it at all, so a conversation around “cutting back” leaves me only with the “quit totally” option.

CheekyHobson · 15/08/2024 00:29

He could have made all his points without attacking your personality and left it to you to decide if that was going to work for you. The fact that he had to make it all about you being controlling and he wasn’t going to be told what to do would be a big red flag for me.

Cardinalita90 · 15/08/2024 00:32

How is his approach to your existing free time together? Is he proactive in making plans, suggesting fun activities and showing similar engagement and commitment to seeing you as he does to his hobby? Or does he just sit back and adopt a lazy, passenger attitude?

wellington77 · 15/08/2024 00:32

I’d get rid of him, he sounds like a right dick. Most of his weekend he’s playing bloody cricket?! Yet has a gf at home who has simply asked to spend more time with him. He needs to sort his priorities out. You are not being controlling you just want a normal relationship. If I was you I’d get him to read these comments ti get him to open his eyes to it

MonsteraMama · 15/08/2024 00:35

Oh lord throw this one back. His reaction is more of a red flag than the cricket itself, you're coercing him, really? This is the guy who will expect to be able to carry on like this if and when you have kids, just look at all the "my husband has an outing wanky hobby (golf/cycling always) and I feel like I'm raising the kids alone" posts.

Aquamarine1029 · 15/08/2024 00:50

You would have to be crazy to have children with this man.

Shawdee · 15/08/2024 02:19

How long have you been together? Has he played cricket like he does now since before you met?

Oodiks · 15/08/2024 02:34

He's 'made sacrifices' to spend time with you? Fuck him (or rather don't) if he thinks it's a 'sacrifice' to spend time with you.

Do not have children with this man.

Oodiks · 15/08/2024 02:35

Oodiks · 15/08/2024 02:34

He's 'made sacrifices' to spend time with you? Fuck him (or rather don't) if he thinks it's a 'sacrifice' to spend time with you.

Do not have children with this man.

Oh I am so irritated on your behalf, you get to see him 2 or 3 evenings after work, lucky you (sarcasm emoji needed here), who does he think he is?

MapleTreeValley · 15/08/2024 02:47

It definitely sounds like he overreacted and was unnecessarily defensive and mean to you.

However, I do have a lot more sympathy when it's cricket than most other sports / hobbies. Because the season is genuinely quite short (3 months max) due to the weather, which is why it's quite intense. Unlike football which goes on for most of the year! As long as he's not like this outside the cricket season I'd find it possible to forgive this behaviour. (Although I'd like him to express it more kindly.)

XDownwiththissortofthingX · 15/08/2024 03:01

Which came first, you or the cricket?

If the hobby predates your relationship, then I think he's perfectly entitled to put it in terms of, no, this is who I am, and it's up to you what you then do with that information.

Personally I can see his point of view, because I have a couple of hobbies of my own that I wouldn't sacrifice for any relationship. Any partner has to accept that it's what I do. It's not a case of "priorities", as I view framing it like that as laying the groundwork for an attempt at emotional blackmail, and I won't tolerate that either. My hobbies are non-negotiable, but my relationship status very much is.

autienotnaughty · 15/08/2024 04:42

He's correct that it's for him to manage his hobby and time. But equally you don't have to stay in the relationship. You asked if he would be willing to change to spend more time with you and he said no.

And this is while you are still in the loved up phase of your relationship. I can guarantee it will not change if/when you have kids. You will be solo parenting every weekend.

Honestly I'd cut your losses now before you are too committed. It's fine for him to have an extensive hobby but it's also fine fir you to want a partner you see at weekends

Edingril · 15/08/2024 05:10

Don't have children or in a few years you will be on hear complaining 'the signs were there but I love him'

But also yes you are controlling too, if you have to control someone end it first

Killingoffmyflowersonebyone · 15/08/2024 05:41

How old are you? And how long have you been together?

You say you see him a few times a week in the evening (presumably for 2-4 hrs?) and some Sundays and he’s given up Saturday evenings (stopped the socialisation part of his hobby) for you?

Tbh sounds like he’s pretty committed to me - particularly if my spideysense is right and you’re very young and this is a new relationship. And dragging imaginary kids into what I suspect is a fairly new relationship is a tad weird tbh - I’d be unimpressed in his shoes.

Shoxfordian · 15/08/2024 06:20

He's made it pretty clear that his hobby is the priority so it's up to you what you do with this information

Round3HereWeGo · 15/08/2024 06:26

Killingoffmyflowersonebyone · 15/08/2024 05:41

How old are you? And how long have you been together?

You say you see him a few times a week in the evening (presumably for 2-4 hrs?) and some Sundays and he’s given up Saturday evenings (stopped the socialisation part of his hobby) for you?

Tbh sounds like he’s pretty committed to me - particularly if my spideysense is right and you’re very young and this is a new relationship. And dragging imaginary kids into what I suspect is a fairly new relationship is a tad weird tbh - I’d be unimpressed in his shoes.

This.

If you are young, in your early 20s, then yes I'd say you sure being a bit much.

You don't even live with this guy!

AudHvamm · 15/08/2024 06:31

How long is the cricket season, I'm not familiar with it. It sounds like there is part of the year when he doesn't play at all?

I think you are being controlling from the way you've said you approached this, yes and I understand why you bf is feeling defensive. It's healthy for couples to have separate interests and not spend all their time together. However a sport hobby that takes up a lot of time like this can become a huge problem if it means you never get to Eg go away together for weekends.

If he's flexible with it and prioritises spending time with you at weekends in the off season I wouldn't be pushing for him to cut down now, but if you're planning children good to start having conversations about what he'll do in the future, that level of commitment would be a huge sacrifice on family time and equal parenting.

Willoo · 15/08/2024 06:32

Yes you’re being controlling. You knew about his cricket when you met so to turn round and say he needs to stop playing as much is wrong. If this was a man, a lot of the replies would be different

Cryingatthegym · 15/08/2024 07:43

CheekyHobson · 15/08/2024 00:29

He could have made all his points without attacking your personality and left it to you to decide if that was going to work for you. The fact that he had to make it all about you being controlling and he wasn’t going to be told what to do would be a big red flag for me.

This. Huge red flag. It's very DARVO. You raised a valid concern and expressed your feelings and he took the opportunity to turn it around on you rather than listening to you and responding respectfully.

Not to mention the fact that he puts you second to his sport and clearly has no intentions of changing that.

Having kids and being married to a man like this will be like pulling teeth.

Speaking from experience.