Am I being controlling?

[Orangejuice188]

Bf has a hobby cricket, trains 2 nights a week and plays all of Saturday and some Sundays all day too.

I told him earlier that I felt I wasn’t seeing him very much and that it made me sad. I asked if he had to play as many Sundays as he did. And, if when we are older and have kids etc, does he have to play Sundays?

He said the following:

• i am coercing him into giving up his only hobby, something he loves (I didn’t say this)
• He wants to make a choice about how much he plays, and not be told this, and will balance his time himself
• He doesn’t play every Sunday (true) to spend time with me
• He has “already made sacrifices” as in doesn’t stay late drinking every Saturday, and doesn’t play every game If i don’t see these sacrifices then something is wrong
• A sarcastic comment about “I’ll just not work then”
• he said I am his priority and that I get him all the time for the whole winter months
• He then went to sleep because he’s frustrated and concerned and riled up
• He said he would’ve had a nice conversation / discussion if I’d have said I didn’t feel I was seeing him enough, but because I made it about cricket, it became an attempt to control him and stop him playing
• i see him two or three evenings after work (he gets home at 7pm)

Honestly am I being controlling or unfair?

It's never been a consideration for me because I've known since I was a child myself I had no interest in ever having children. Hence why I don't waste time having relationships with people who might potentially want them.

I think it's helpful to lay cards on the table early doors, and part of that is making it quite clear that first of all, I have no interest in children, and secondly, my "me" time isn't negotiable.

I think it's not only healthy, but absolutely essential for anyone in any relationship to keep some portion of themselves for themselves, and I've never been able to comprehend people who live in each other's hair and do absolutely everything as an "us". I'd find that intolerably cloying.

I’m a cricket widow too. To be fair most league teams now only expect young people under 30 to play Saturdays and Sundays & do discourage older players from playing both days (or even back to back weeks) so this will be less of a problem as you get older.

Honestly I like it. The summers are mine to do as I please and DS & I will book holidays together. We reserve the family time for off-season.

Doesn't sound like the OP is coming back.

I do have some sympathy for you....but not much.

He was playing cricket before you met him. You knew straight from the off thisxwas his hobby. Don't tru to stop him because you wont win.

As others have said, its not all year round and even if they practice before the season starts its only likely to be from April round to September. Golf on the other had is a year round hobby.

If you're not happy then you can leave. You are not tied to him & there are plenty of other fish in the sea.

How long have you been together?

Exactly this!

Honestly OP id cut my losses and get out now. It wont get any better. My ex was a cricketer and it's part of the reason we broke up. In my opinion, cricket life is even worse than footballers. Its a huge commitment and not really something they can drop in and out of. Its long days and an even longer summer! In my experience with my ex, it was like a community for him. He needed the lads weekend, he needed the freedom to be himself all weekend after a hard week at work. Which is all fine and they're entitled to that. But if you as a partner aren't fully on board with that lifestyle it will end up in resentment and you'll be forever arguing over it. Dont forget alot of men play cricket into their 50s too, so this isnt a short term hobby! There's nothing wrong with him wanting his hobby, but his reaction tells you nothing is going to change. So accept it or move on.

I honestly wouldn't go out with someone who played or watched five minutes of cricket a year, everyone who is into cricket is so boring.

This is who he is, and I think if you don't like this about him then you should meet someone else as it's unfair to ask someone to change or give up something they like doing that's a hobby. This won't change when you have kids or later on and you will both end of clashing and resenting each other.

Just leave him now, this won’t improve without many, many fights and arguments.

You are less important to him than the cricket hobby.

That will not change so either accept it and learn to live with it or find a better BF! (I’d go with the latter)

I couldn’t imagine being with someone as clingy as you’re appearing to be. Imagine how it would be received on here if you were to write ‘boyfriend insisting I give up hobby and friends to spend time with him’.

you don’t have children. Get some hobbies, do things for yourself and leave him be.

He is telling you straight how he feels, this is his hobby and he will not sacrifice his hobby for you.

how long have you been together. It’s ok to have a hobby but for me 4 times a week is excessive!

@Orangejuice188 Why bother starting this thread if you cba to come back?

For those that don't know much about "Village cricket", the Saturday Lge is generally mid April to mid September so 6 months, not just summer.
Round here Sunday league generally starts later but not exactly sure when.
As a pp mentioned the Sunday Lge, certainly here, is supposed to be a Development league for junior players to get used to senior cricket although it does need a few senior players to play to guide the juniors.
If OP's partner is captain then he may feel obliged to play each week but its better to use an older junior as captain to give them experience.
Weekend cricket usually lasts at least 6 hours per game, sometimes longer

Look, I think the level he is playing cricket at isn’t necessarily the issue. At the moment, if you are seeing him some Sundays and several evenings in the week, this stage in the relationship, I don’t think that’s a small amount and I can sort of see his point. It would be different if it were all weekend every weekend and 4/5 weekdays or something.
However I don’t think it’s controlling of you to say you’d like to see more of him. But then how much someone wants to see a partner is a very personal thing. Some people might be happy to see their partner once or twice a week and this level of contact wouldn’t bother them. Others want to see their partners most days. There’s no right or wrong answer, only compatibility and what works for both in the relationship. I personally could live with with this level of contact at this stage in a relationship and it wouldn’t be a deal breaker.
It is the future that would bother me. That level of doing a hobby will become a much bigger problem in the future if you have kids and you find yourself managing the evening routine all by yourself several times a week and caring for kids often all weekend on your own.
Anyway, he has made it clear he isn’t going to reduce his cricket and is already expressing resentment at you for suggesting he should. It doesn’t bode well. I don’t think you two are compatible and I wouldn’t be holding out much hope for future family life.

why are people STILL posting? op hasn't posted since her initial 2 posts on the 14th - 5 days ago!

I wouldn’t stop someone from doing their hobby or want them to do it half heartedly, but that is because I like to be very independent myself and want plenty of time to do my own thing. It sounds like you might not be compatible.

At the moment, he’s used to having heaps of free time to indulge in a hobby - at least ten hours, by the sound of it, including entire days at the weekend. That is a lot of time on a single hobby. That’s fine for someone who is single but for a guy with a partner who is thinking of settling down, that’s not going to work. He won’t be able to disappear all weekend like he does now. So, if he’s sulking and refusing to make what he views as a ‘you v the hobby’ kind of choice, rather than talking like an adult about a compromise, then he’s clearly not mature enough to be any sort of husband / father.

Are you being controlling? Yep, absolutely and pretty bloody awfully to be honest.

He's a man that plays cricket, you don't want a partner who has a time consuming hobby. Fund another partner whose lifestyle suits you better. The liklihood is , even if he's quite young ,he's been playing this for years and it's part of his identity. I'm not sure he's doing anything wrong and your not wrong either. At some point he might decide cricket has taken too much time and impacted relationships too much, but he's not at that point. Just agree you aren't compatible and move on.

I know Op isn't replying but just a general remark. If someone plays on a team of any sort they cannot turn up whenever they want. It's usually all or nothing. So training and matches. So no point in saying play every second weekend or only on Saturday. Teams are a commitment. I think it's unfair to ask anyone to give it up. Going forward it's better to be married to a sporty active person than someone who sits on the couch doing nothing. It's quite usual for young people in their 20s to play on teams and this should be encouraged not made into a big drama.

Would you still think 'it's better to be married to a sporty active person' when your husband skips your wedding anniversary because, and I quote, 'its better to let down one person (i.e., his wife) than a whole team of people'? My dad did that. He also prioritised his commitment to his sport and his team over his children's birthday parties, school plays, other family occasions, and left my mum to do all the hands on parenting while he was at matches and training and meetings and award ceremonies, for months of every year from his 20s to his 70s.

It's ok for OP to feel how she feels about this.

Cricket is a shit hobby that will steal your life. Cricket leagues are run by old men and consequently are very selfish. If you decide to continue in this relationship this will not be the last argument you have about this unless you decide to throw yourself into that life and basically become the dogsbody of the cricket team.

Source; cricket widow. husband now thankfully retired but they STILL make demands and issue guilt trips. Fortunately, now he’s out of the cult he can see the wood for the trees but it took a long time to get him to see how unreasonable some of the things he did were.

Cricket clubs are dying because they don’t take the needs of families into account and do very little to foster a sense of community.

Also, cricket is not for ‘sporty, active people’. Some of them might be as well, granted but for most of them it’s all they do. They run about 5 yards every 20 minutes and and stand around in the sun for half a day. :D

I’d be okay with cricket as it is seasonal esp. he agrees to one day at the weekend most weekends. When you get to my age you will be grateful that he has a hobby that gets him out of the house so much!

YABU. I’m 21 years in with a cricket player, who now (as he’s starting to lose his physical edge) umpires and coaches as well. It’s a hobby, just like I have mine.

In the early days I complained about him spending time at the Club instead of coming home to me. He stopped staying and now he has very few friends to socialise with without me for which I’m sad in retrospect.

I wouldn’t say you’re being controlling but you’re certainly being needy. Get your own hobby and enjoy having the freedom to spend doing it while he’s doing his.