Am I being controlling?

[Orangejuice188]

Bf has a hobby cricket, trains 2 nights a week and plays all of Saturday and some Sundays all day too.

I told him earlier that I felt I wasn’t seeing him very much and that it made me sad. I asked if he had to play as many Sundays as he did. And, if when we are older and have kids etc, does he have to play Sundays?

He said the following:

• i am coercing him into giving up his only hobby, something he loves (I didn’t say this)
• He wants to make a choice about how much he plays, and not be told this, and will balance his time himself
• He doesn’t play every Sunday (true) to spend time with me
• He has “already made sacrifices” as in doesn’t stay late drinking every Saturday, and doesn’t play every game If i don’t see these sacrifices then something is wrong
• A sarcastic comment about “I’ll just not work then”
• he said I am his priority and that I get him all the time for the whole winter months
• He then went to sleep because he’s frustrated and concerned and riled up
• He said he would’ve had a nice conversation / discussion if I’d have said I didn’t feel I was seeing him enough, but because I made it about cricket, it became an attempt to control him and stop him playing
• i see him two or three evenings after work (he gets home at 7pm)

Honestly am I being controlling or unfair?

My dad played cricket when I was a kid, my mum used to go watch him/get involved helping with match teas. When we were kids we went and played with the other kids and when my brother was old enough he started playing with my dad. Cricket season isn’t all year, unlike golf and football so you need to decide if it’s a deal breaker for you.

And you live with him? I wonder if he’d be the same if you had dc? It’s not all year round, no, but are you going to ignored for months of weekends?

I’m sorry to go against most comments but I’m on the side of your bf. How about if he was telling you not to do something? He obvs played cricket before the two of you got together so cricket comes first. I can see why he got defensive and tried turning it around onto you because you are trying to be coercive and controlling. My dh plays and watches football. Season ticket so is away most Saturdays plus the odd tues night. Plays 5-a-side football 1 evening a week and plays on a Sunday morning. We have two children now and he cuts back by not playing every week (if we have something planned) but I have never TOLD him to cut back he does it because he wants to and sees that it benefits us together. But it works both ways because he doesn’t stop me if I want to do anything. Maybe you should try a new hobby and fill in some of the extra time you have.

The issue is not so much the conflict (cricket) but how his choice in communication about the conflict affects finding mutually agreeable solutions. You are two adults and there are always going to be conflicts, big and small, that the two of you have to negotiate. He is training you to not ever bring up any expectation that he consider your needs because then he will blow up at you, make it personal with name-calling, and make extreme statements. If you are a team, and a conflict comes up - it should be the two of you against the problem, working on finding a solution together NOT him unilaterally deciding that YOU are the actual problem.

If you stay with him he will chip away at you - your needs, wants, reasonable expectations making you into a bonsai of a partner, formed exactly to what he wants from you with no recognition that you are a person too.

This is a tough one. I have had similar conversations with my husband over the years about rugby which he did eventually give up because I was not prepared to be a stay at home mum looking forward to my husband coming home each night for him to be out 2 nights a week training and then have my weekend dominated by a hobby.
However I now have 2 football mad boys who’s hobby dominates my weekends but as the years have gone on I’ve learnt to embrace it. We have made some lovely friends along the way and I now look forward to the weekends so we can have a catch up. Do his teammates have wives/partners you can get to know and after he’s played cricket you can all go for a drink together? The 2 evenings a week wouldn’t bother me if you don’t have kids but the weekends would.

I'd just dump him. He has every right to decide he's going to prioritise his hobby over his girlfriend and to shut down every single conversation about it.

You've every right to decide he's a dead loss, that you can do better and end the relationship. Find someone who DOES want to spend their weekends with you instead.

I had a friend with a partner like this, and spoiler alert he did not change his ways when they had a child so now she has a kid and a husband who is hardly involved because he can't possibly let 'the guys' down by skipping a match or training session.
I also have another friend who has decided not to have kids and part of the decision is because her husband is really into an extreme sport that takes him away from home for days at a time and she knew he wouldn't want to give it up and she'd resent him if their childcare wasn't equal.
Honestly it put me off any guys who are really into sports like this as a hobby as I just felt like they wouldn't be able to prioritise family.

If he already had this hobby (and I assume he did as it is rare to come to it as an adult) when you met I am afraid I think YABU. I am a cricket mum both DS play (14 & 12) they started at 6 & 4. It is 4 months a year usually as the weather is rarely good enough to play before mid May and season is over mid September. Any weekend it rains games are generally cancelled. This also applies to men’s game as wet pitches are too slippy. This leaves 8 months of the year where he won’t play at the weekend but may have indoor nets training 1 or 2 evenings a week. It is a team sport so you cannot just dip in and out as and when you feel like it as 10 other players depend on you. I am sure the squad can cover a few weekends for holidays etc but regularly pulling out lets your team down. I would be upset about the way he spoke to you but equally your expectation of him to dip in and out is unfair so if it does not work for you then walk away. I hope my boys continue to play into adulthood as men’s mental health is a huge issue and I hope they continue to have a group of boys/men they could talk to if they needed it. I would be really disappointed if they were pressured to give up by a future girlfriend. I am sure plenty will now disagree with me.